I dont even know who I am anymore. Lost all sense of purpose.

[Miiss]

First time posting and while I think it's still pointless, At least I finally said it, gotten it off my chest.

*Edited* I'm sorry, I know it's meant to be kept short-ish, but this is the first time I have even spoken about this and it just kept going. So please please dont feel like you need to read it! I just needed that outlet.

I have had server depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember I've learnt to "handle it" by numbing it out. Hasnt always worked in my favor tho.

Ive written this a few times now and just lost on what to write well actually just lost in general. I have to keep telling myself that although I dont feel it I'm lucky and blessed. As I know no matter what, there are people out there worse off then me.

I have gotten to the stage that I have buried every crappy thing that was thrown my way. Where I've convinced myself that it was just a book that I had read. I dont even know if that makes sense.

I've haven't been dealt the best hand when it comes to life. From the time I was 10 I was on my own. Slept on the streets, stuck with people that only dealt with me because they got paid. Never had anything that was just mine, Lost everything over and over again.(I Was placed in the foster system) obviously a lot to that story. But I've never been able to forgive my mum and dad for abandoning me, and putting me in that situation. while my siblings had the life that people would dream of.

And it just kept going downhill from there, finally moved back here at 18. Where I met my ex, Feel pregnant. Ended up homeless again. Lost my child to his mother. The list goes on.

The last few years Ive worked extremely hard and im finally in the best situation in my life. I have a loving partner, I have my 3 beautiful boys who I adore, who have made me a better person, we have a roof over our head, and food on the table.

But I cant help but feel the lowest I have ever been. I dont even know who Iam anymore. Everything I once used to love to do has disappeared, I feel like I'm losing my mind. Like im going bat shit crazy. I'm over being all over the shop, over constantly being anxious, sad, angry, and emotional and just straight out numb.

Surely theres more to the world then this, more than just emptiness.

I have to hope....

[squeak]

Hi Miiss, I completely understand where you are coming from. For someone looking into my life from the outside it appears pretty good, I have a good job, I own my home and have several trips overseas to places that I have always wanted to see, but still I am so lonely and so angry I don't know where to turn next or what to do, nothing makes me feel better. I live in a small regional community and as I wasn't born here I am still an outsider so I have no friends and even if I did there is still nothing to do here. I sit every day wondering what the next day will bring will it be better ( I hope always that it will be better) but it's not. I make plans when I can't sleep at night but by the morning I don't have the energy to carry anything out, so the days continue on the same as always. I don't know how to fill the emptiness and I don't know how to make my life meaningful. But I still do have hope that one day I will find that switch that lets the light back in. All we can do is hope and I hope you find that switch soon!! Hang in there - you are not alone!!