I don't want to burden my friends and family

[semg]

I have been interested in a support group for a short while and think joining a forum would be a good way to start. I have had depression and anxiety my whole adult life .My father had the condition - so it is hereditary. (My sisters have had it too and we have talked in the past, but is not something I feel I can discuss with them further.  I had recently come off my antidepressants a couple of months ago which I 've been on for years (far back as 2000 when my mum passed away) and feel I can manage without them, however still have things to deal with and I feel it is helpful enough just to vent those issues to others who would understand and may even feel the same way.

I have a husband and 3 children (youngest 15) but feel very alone with no one (esp female) to talk to. My daughter is now living overseas and can only mssg her for support but don't want to burden her as she is only young. I don't want to burden my friends either but they u/stand I have the condition.  I feel they are not exactly like me and like or don't like the same things as me. What I really want is somewhere to vent my feelings and be reassured I am normal.

Anxiety has been an issue at times a bit more often as I've gotten older and have irrational anger my whole life that occasionally flares up but I manage this now by teaching myself to control it.  I have issues and always want to know people just like me (same as soulmate, if you like) that have the same likes and dislikes of what can also be trivial things. This makes me feel very alone not knowing people who feel this way and then I question that there is something wrong with me, again adding fuel to my low self esteem.   I have been a perfectionist my whole life which more often than not is good thing. 

Don't know where else to start but love to hear from others who feel the same.

🙂

[BeeGee]

Dear Semg

Welcome to the BB forums! I hope you find some like-minded people who can share your journey with you.  I feel pretty confident that amonst all us misfits there are at least some who can relate to what you are saying.

I'm one.  I'm married with 3 kids, 13-18.  I've had dysthymia since my mid teens but only realised this year that what I was living wasn't "normal" and have started treatment.  I too have struggled with irrational anger my whole life - nearly wrecked my family until I came to understand the drivers for it thanks to someone who cared enough to work through it with me.  For me it was a control issue, but I never saw it for what it was.  Once I did, it completely disempowered my anger.  I don't mean I never get angry any more, but MUCH less often and never in that white-hot all-consuming way that just seemed to take over, like falling off a cliff - I just had to wait till I hit the bottom and then pick up the pieces.  Maybe for you there is a similar key to be found - what is it really that triggers your anger?  Anger is a secondary emotion, usually coming when we have been thwarted or our hopes/plans subverted in some way.  Finding that trigger was absolutely life-changing for me.  Perhaps depression clouded my thinking and prevented me seeing it for myself and I needed some outside help to move past it.

We depressives often don't want to "burden" others with our problems.  We get very good at acting to hide our feelings away; on the surface everything looks great but underneath we're dying. Would you consider seeing a psychologist to have someone to support you professionally so as to not feel like a burden to friends/family?

I confess to being a recovering perfectionist - also I think not uncommon in depressed people.  I also feel like I'm on the outer when I'm around most other people, like everyone else shares some common understanding that I'm missing, but I don't know what. I treasure the few people I can really connect with, but they are few and far between.

Sounding familiar?  It's a bit scary, hey?!

Thanks for sharing some of your story with us.  Please feel free to share whatever is on your mind, troubling you, or insights you can offer others from your own experience.

[Jacko777]

Hi semg,

I am glad you have made it to this site, different people have different problems and different solutions, together we can help each other. You won't be alone here! It is funny how we go through life and think that everyone else is 'normal', truth for me is, when I talk to people and hear their stories, their friends stories, nearly everyone has come across depression and anxiety, or suffer from it themselves.

I think that perhaps you could talk more to your friends, if they are good friends they would expect and want you to talk about these things, maybe they have a similar experience to you but they don't say anything either?!? You could just start off slowly with them and see what the reception is like?

I am interested in how you are teaching yourself to control your anger, we could all use a dose of that sometimes! I look forward to hearing more from you and I can tell that you will be a valuable supporter to others on this site. Love to you.

[semg]

Thanks for the advice, Jacko but talking to my friends to a point where I stop and draw the line.  I want to keep my friends a bit longer in my life. New friends certainly I won't share till I get to know them a little better and find out things about them that tell me it is safe to share.

Teaching myself to control irrational anger  as opposed to anger itself, I just focus on why I need to remain calm as it doesn't make sense reacting that way. I know if I don't I will once again regret it later, as I have done before. Also I want to be liked and respected which stems back to caring what other people think of me.  I have always been that way and I don't want to embarrass myself. So this is why I now have to train myself to be more in control. I now see it as one of life's lessons, like a practical exam I have to complete, and I have to do it, now.  When the feeling takes hold I talk myself through it and focus on something else and where possible walk away for a while.

Hope this helps. 

[geoff]

dear Semg, I'll like to welcome you to the site where we have an enormous range of people all with different types of depression, and as devastating this illness can be, it really is an interesting place to be involved in, because I can help one person who may in turn help 3 or 4 other people.

There is no hiding the fact that depression will do so much damage to someone's ego, destroy a marriage or relationship and their family, make them unemployable  and the list goes on.

Once we have this illness it always stays with us, although we can overcome it, it doesn't stop us from having relapses.

Mostly our 'friends' disappear because they can never understand what we are going through, so this leaves us to be alone, apart from the counsellor, and that's where this site becomes involved, so we hope to hear from you soon. L Geoff. x

[Momoffour]

Hi Semg,

i am new to this forum to. I find you story very much in common with mine. I too find it hard to talk to my friends about how I feel and my condition because I think they truly don't get it. I have often heard people say just get over it, or your life isn't bad why are you depressed. It would be nice to have someone to vent frustrations too and not feel like a burden for doing so. I often vent to my husband but I feel him having to live me my condition and pick up my slack is enough. Do you feel this way too?

[semg]

Yes Momoffour, my husband is no support to me whatsoever. I may as well be single. He just doesn't understand how to support me when I feel this way. He lets me vent to him but that is not enough.  A friend at work says that's why she and her husband split. When she was with him she was still 'alone'. In fact most of my friends are separated with no one at all, or with new partners. Frankly, I couldn't be bothered with doing that again.

My kids are no support and my daughter doesn't even live in Australia any more as she is studying overseas.

Sigh!!

[geoff]

dear Semg, when you either leave, divorce or separate from your partner/spouse it's never wise to suddenly start living with someone else, although some people do as they think it would a way for them to solve their misery or unhappy life, but it doesn't work that way, simply because you haven't settled down from all the upheaval, and as lonely as it may be at first, it does get much better. L Geoff. x

[semg]

Read my recent post at end of the thread.  Hope you are doing okay.