I don't recognise myself, and I'm scared to get help

[Emery_E]

I've suffered with mental health issues for many years now. First, it was anger issues, but after I came out as trans that disappeared. Then it was major depression and anxiety. I stayed at a psych ward for a couple weeks for suicidal tendencies when I was 16, and then a Y-PARC when I was 18.
After so many years of struggling, I lost my ability to trust. All the psychs and therapists I have ever seen have only ever looked at me with pity and judgement, and several of them have outright betrayed my trust in them. The last one I saw decided I was too high risk, and forced my mother and brother to leave their jobs early so that I could be taken to hospital two hours away. Once there we had to wait three hours before I was seen by anyone, where I was promptly turned away because there was nothing they could do to help me. I got over that - rather, I accepted that nobody would help.
This year I've struggled, but I've gotten my life together. Although I did quit my job, it was for the best. Verbal abuse from customers and the occasional manager (I worked at McDonald's) was slowly driving me insane. I'm at uni, and have a course set for my ideal career as a Chaplain in the Defence Force. I'm also highly involved in my Church. My faith is what saved my life, and God is the only reason I live. But I still hurt. Each time I think I'll talk to somebody, open up and tell the truth, I can't. I can't trust professionals, I can't trust my friends, I can't trust my family. But I also can't trust myself. I've still got two assignments and an online exam to complete for this semester, and I keep putting them off because I can't focus. I can feel myself becoming emotionally detached.
Even as I write this, I can feel myself falling apart. These last two days, whenever I look at myself in a mirror, I don't recognise the man looking back at me. I see a stranger. I don't even know what I look like anymore. I know I need help. I have an un-diagnosed eating disorder, nicotine addiction, and I'm also probably developing a drinking problem. But I can't get help. I just don't know what to do anymore.

[smallwolf]

Hi Emery.E,

welcome to beyond blue.

as bad as this might sound, I am glad you made it here, to a community that will accept you as you are without judgement. of course, what you say and how much you say is up to you - the community will only respond with love and support.

It sounds like you have struggled for some time and possibly the experiences with the therapists and the verbal abuse or the reactions of people you have spoken to made you lose trust in opening up and talking about how you feel. Despite the pain there are some positives in your post - you have a goal as a chaplain, and you are studying at Uni. Additionally you have a lived experience and that will help you as a chaplain in listening and stepping into into someone else's shoes.

I will briefly mention God and Church... Is there anyone in your spiritual community you are able to talk to about your feelings. I was doing a BTh when I started getting help. At a time I was suicidal, I spent my days at college in the library. Other students noticed me there and I would talk about why I was there. In doing so, I also heard there stories, some of which were just like mine. I can see that you have not had any luck with getting help, but I would have hoped that people in your community would listen to you and your pain.

When I was staying at the college those days, I had dropped one subject and stayed with the other. I also got a good mark in the last assignment in that subject. Not sure how long you have been studying - if longer than one year, then you have made it this far, and if not, you made it into Uni so you have the skills needed, and focus on your goal of becoming a chaplain.

Peace to you,

Tim