I don't really feel anything anymore...why could this be?

faegirl · ‎20-04-2018

Hi there,
I'm not exactly too good at conveying my thoughts in a succinct manner, so I'm sorry if this get's confusing.

As the title says I don't really feel anything anymore. I sort of walk around like some sort of robot, going through the motions, feigning happiness when I'm in my classes at uni and I don't know if this is normal? It's almost like my base mood is really quite low and flat, and that I feel empty as if there's nothing left in me. I don't genuinely feel happiness (only fleeting moments), I don't even feel sad a lot of the time, I just don't really feel anything.

I'll admit, I've put myself through a lot of sleep deprivation due to studying which started maybe around year 12 (so I've done it on and off for about 3 years), and my diet hasn't been the best so that could be why I feel low on energy at times, but I have been working on sleeping more instead of staying up late to finish work.

Despite this, my low / empty feelings persist, it feels more than just tiredness. I don't care for things anymore. Things don't give me any satisfaction, I don't get really upset over things anymore (aside from when I'm super stressed from uni and break down haha), I don't get really happy over anything either. Music, the one thing which I swore I could never live without, which used to make me feel good, is now starting to sound like noise in my ears to block out the world. I don't really know why I am this way.

I used to put this "deadness" down to my personality, I've been this dry/kind of emotionless person for as long as I can remember, but I think lately it's gotten a little worse. I was always told as a child to "smile more" or to stop being pessimistic etc. but now I've kind of begun to wonder whether this is just my personality or if it is something more?

At times, on top of my low mood I get hit with really dark periods where I lose all motivation, I don't talk to anyone (not that I have anyone aside from my family to talk to anyway), I don't do anything. I just sit in bed and watch crap on netflix or youtube to distract myself from the thoughts. I feel that I cry more easily nowadays (and I don't really know why because I don't feel extremely sad) and these periods have started happening more frequently as of late.

I don't know if this is depression. I don't have any real reason to be depressed. Is it all in my head? I really have no idea anymore. Has anyone felt the same way before?

Whammy2 · ‎04-11-2018

I've been feeling the same way lately, probably for over a month now! All my emotions feel like they've been diluted and I find it hard to be sincerely happy and sincerely sad anymore. It's just a constant feeling of emptiness. I'm also finding it hard to articulate my thoughts and even when I'm hanging out or talking with people, I seem to be struggling to come up with something to say and socialising has just become really tiresome.

I lost my mum at the end of last year and even typing that out I feel so distant from that fact for some reason. I feel so distant from myself and my emotions. I just want to feel something again? I don't know if these feelings are related to that grief.

This semester at uni has been really draining on me too. It feels like as the semester has gone on, I've slowly just been shutting down mentally. I feel so tired pretty much all the time and it's been really difficult to stay motivated and to keep on top of things. I've always been motivated and a good student, so it's been a struggle to come to terms with the fact that I just don't seem to care so much about things anymore. All I want to do is stay in bed and sleep and watch useless things on YouTube and Netflix.

I feel like my brain has just slowed down too. My thoughts seem really inaccessible sometimes, I'm not sure how else to explain it. I've seen it described as 'brain fog' and that is basically what it feels like. It feels like I'm going through life and its motions, but I'm not really there. My mind feels really empty too. Even when I've hung out with friends and we've been having fun, I suddenly become conscious of the fact that even though in the moment I may be laughing, I don't really feel like I'm in the moment.

I remember times earlier this year where I would be at social gatherings and I'd be having the time of my life telling stories and laughing, but now if I imagine myself in a similar setting, I'd rather be on the edge not saying or really processing anything at all. I just don't seem to be loving life very much anymore.

kr94 · ‎08-11-2018

I honestly feel exactly the same and have since June/July. My heart aches when I'm sad and although I can recognise when I'm sad, happy, angry etc. I don't connect with the feeling and feel pretty useless and empty 99% of the time. I've wasted a lot of my year watching pointless videos on youtube, scrolling through instagram and watching weird shows on netflix instead of studying. xox

Aalu · ‎07-10-2020

Hi everyone,

This is something very personal from my diary.

Dear diary,

Who should I choose to say all my secrets? Who should I trust? Who should I choose to cry on? I am so insecure about my personal life and choices. I am traumatized by everything. I am so much in pain. I have not cried with anyone (not even with my parents or close friends) sharing my actual problems. I regularly have anxiety attacks but noone knows. Whenever I share a little something about my pain, either I am judged or compared. I am so confused about happiness these days. I think I am being used to some kind of abuse. I am no more able to speak for myself. I fear the rejection. I fear the confrontation about being unhappy. I fear my anger and others. I fear to lose someone who is not even worth having in my life. I fear almost everything. I am lost in the chaos of pain and sadness. I want someone just to sit and listen to me. I just want someone whom I can trust with my vulnerabilities.

Love Love.

Sophie_M · ‎07-10-2020

Hey Aalu, thanks for joining us here on the Beyond Blue forums and sharing your diary entry with us. We acknowledge this takes alot of strength to do! We're so sorry to hear how unsupported and alone you feel at the moment. Although we're glad that you have reached out tonight to our friendly online community and hope that being part of this community can bring you some comfort and help you to feel a little less alone. We would recommend that you get in touch with Kids Helpline - https://kidshelpline.com.au/ . It sounds like you're in a really tough headspace and it might help to talk it out whenever you're feeling overwhelmed. Kids Helpline counsellors can be contacted 24/7 via telephone and also via webchat if you go through the website provided. If the coronavirus restrictions are making things harder for you at the moment, then we'd also recommend taking a look at out dedicated Coronavirus Mental Wellbeing Support Service where you will find a lot of targeted information as well as another 24/7 helpline staffed by specially trained mental health professionals. We hope that you find some comfort here in the words of wisdom and kindness that our community can offer.

tranzcrybe · ‎07-10-2020

Hi Aalu,

Thank you for posting your personal account from your diary - the BB forum is a friendly and supportive environment where you can be assured of comfort, advice, and many shoulders to cry on, and cry with, together.

It can be hard to really talk to family and certain friends. Sometimes it's because we feel they have expectations of us, or we have of them, and don't want to disappoint or hurt them. Usually that's just in our head, but it feels real regardless.

I hope that here you can explore your fears for yourself and for others who will feel the depth of your suffering and add their own supporting experiences to help you along the journey.

Kind regards,

t.

Aalu · ‎01-03-2021

Hi,

I am again here to search for someone to share my pain. I have been crying for past 1 hour and can’t stop it. I feel so sad, worthless, hopeless. I am so much in pain. Not a single person comes to my mind to have a chat at this moment. I feel so lonely, so vulnerable. I feel tired. I feel drained. There is just a constant pain and pain and pain. I have tried everything, drinking water, breathing exercises everything. This sucks. It really does.

Sophie_M · ‎01-03-2021

Hi Aalu,

We're sorry to hear that you're feeling so vulnerable and lonely tonight. We can hear that you're having a tough night, and we hope that you know that you're not alone and that there is always support available to you when you are in a lot of pain like tonight.

Our community is not an immediate source of support, and it can sometimes take a few days to receive a response. If you are needing to chat to someone tonight, we would urge that you get in touch with Kids Helpline - https://kidshelpline.com.au/ . Kids Helpline counsellors can be contacted 24/7 via telephone and also via webchat if you go through the website provided.

You also might like to take a look at our page "Anxiety management strategies"

If you would like to seek some support from the community, we would recommend that you start a thread of your own so that you can share your story and keep the community updated on what's happening for you all in one place.