I don't really feel anything anymore...why could this be?

[faegirl]

Hi there,
I'm not exactly too good at conveying my thoughts in a succinct manner, so I'm sorry if this get's confusing.

As the title says I don't really feel anything anymore. I sort of walk around like some sort of robot, going through the motions, feigning happiness when I'm in my classes at uni and I don't know if this is normal? It's almost like my base mood is really quite low and flat, and that I feel empty as if there's nothing left in me. I don't genuinely feel happiness (only fleeting moments), I don't even feel sad a lot of the time, I just don't really feel anything.

I'll admit, I've put myself through a lot of sleep deprivation due to studying which started maybe around year 12 (so I've done it on and off for about 3 years), and my diet hasn't been the best so that could be why I feel low on energy at times, but I have been working on sleeping more instead of staying up late to finish work.

Despite this, my low / empty feelings persist, it feels more than just tiredness. I don't care for things anymore. Things don't give me any satisfaction, I don't get really upset over things anymore (aside from when I'm super stressed from uni and break down haha), I don't get really happy over anything either. Music, the one thing which I swore I could never live without, which used to make me feel good, is now starting to sound like noise in my ears to block out the world. I don't really know why I am this way.

I used to put this "deadness" down to my personality, I've been this dry/kind of emotionless person for as long as I can remember, but I think lately it's gotten a little worse. I was always told as a child to "smile more" or to stop being pessimistic etc. but now I've kind of begun to wonder whether this is just my personality or if it is something more?

At times, on top of my low mood I get hit with really dark periods where I lose all motivation, I don't talk to anyone (not that I have anyone aside from my family to talk to anyway), I don't do anything. I just sit in bed and watch crap on netflix or youtube to distract myself from the thoughts. I feel that I cry more easily nowadays (and I don't really know why because I don't feel extremely sad) and these periods have started happening more frequently as of late.

I don't know if this is depression. I don't have any real reason to be depressed. Is it all in my head? I really have no idea anymore. Has anyone felt the same way before?

[faegirl]

Hi Chloe,
It seems my response to your previous post hasn't appeared yet.
Thanks for your reply, it is somewhat comforting to know that I'm not alone.

Ah right, I see. I've heard of headspace, I could check that out too.

The psych that spoke to me briefly that day seemed a lot better than the counsellor I saw at school.

Either way, I think I will need to do something about this. I don't think it's healthy for me to be the way that I am, but at the same time idk how to bring this up to my parents (I think they'd need to know what I'm doing). At times they treat this as though it's an inconvenience or that I'm just being difficult and lazy or acting up.

I hope your Headspace appointment goes well and good luck! x

[White_Rose]

Hello Faegirl

Completing the K10 checklist has given you some idea of where you are. It's a good start.

Thanks for updating your diet. It's often the case that people mean eating junk food when they have a bad diet. Good you are catching up with your sleep.

You can go to a psychologist directly without a reference from your GP. Unfortunately psychologists do not come under the Medicare rebate scheme and can be expensive, usually minimum of $150 per session. If you go to your GP he/she can draw up a mental health plan for you which goes to Medicare and if approved, (never known one not to), will entitle you to six sessions with a psychologist and a further four sessions should the psychologist deem it necessary. These visits are capped at ten per calendar year. Medicare will pay a rebate, in the same way they pay part of other medical visits, and you are responsible for the gap payment. This varies.

You can ask your GP to refer you to a psychologist who will bulk bill meaning there is no out of pocket cost to you.

You can ask your GP to refer you to a counsellor and their fees are usually quite small, relatively speaking. Or you can go to a counsellor without a referral. Try charity organisations such as Relationships Australis, St Vincent de Paul, Salvation Army and Anglicare. They make small charges or none. Staff are pretty good though they are not usually psychologists. They have been trained as counsellors.

Two other organisations which may be useful are Kids Helpline and Headspace. You need to be under 25 for these. Both offer counselling. Look at their web sites. https://kidshelpline.com.au/ https://headspace.org.au/

There is help out there and not all of it costs lots of money. I think the best places for you are the Kids Helpline and Headspace which I understand are free but check it out. I am presuming you are under 25. The phone numbers are on the web sites.

Thank you for your concern about my breast cancer. The first was 2001 and the second 2015 so I think I have some breathing space if that's how often they occur. Both were discovered due to Breast Screen Australia and I heartily recommend women to have this regular check. I think you need to be 40 or older, that's me, unless there is a history in your family. I am also three years into a five year follow up process so I am in good hands.

Do you have any activities you enjoy or used to enjoy? Love to hear about them.

Mary

[stormcloudz]

Hi faegirl

Sometimes I think we can be like icebergs - the visible part is all numb chilly ice, but 90% is sharp edges and wild ocean currents down below.

You mentioned you were thinking about whether you should go to the GP or contact the psych you met. Yes, I agree with you, it's time to get some support. It's a brave and sensible thing to do. There is a lot going on for you under that numbness, and maybe sometimes it breaks through when things get close to the bone. I get it. It's actually a good sign, you aren't actually frozen over : )

In my experience, start by contacting anyone that you have a good feel about. Some psychs are better at some issues than others, and sometimes there is just a personality mismatch. Like you, I've had counsellors who maybe were a bit out of their depth, like the one at your school. That's not universal. Trust your instinct and if you thought the psych at the talk was interesting, try calling her. It sounds like she left the door open, and any good psych will not be wondering whether you are sufficiently unwell to be there - they will just aim to help.

In relation to your parents, I'm not sure that they do need to know right now. Why not speak to the GP and also call the psych and get some information on your financial options? There may be a way, as WhiteRose mentions. It's difficult to open up to parents sometimes. Even when they love us, they are sometimes blinded to what is going on for us. Maybe their very anxiety for our well-being means that they trivialise warning signs. But I'm here to tell you that you are right, it's your time to get support.

Lastly, when you say you aren't eating well, do you by any chance mean that you are having trouble eating? As in an eating disorder? If so, know that this is a safe space to talk about that. No judgement, just love. And it's perfectly OK if you aren't ready to disclose any details. I'm sorry if that was too soon.

For the moment, don't worry too much about why you feel the way you do, or judge it. The reality is that you do feel that way. My experience of counselling is that it provides an opportunity to slowly explore the reasons and some coping strategies... that will give you more time to think.

Take good care of yourself. I am sending you strength and hope.

[faegirl]

Hello Mary, thanks so much for such a detailed response. I never realised that there were so many options out there for help. I'll take a look at what I can do. I am below 25 so maybe Headspace or Kids Helpline would be good options for me.

My, I can't imagine how hard that must've been 😞 but the fact you've gotten through both is amazing. You must be really brave, I admire that.

Hmm, well I used to really, really enjoy reading and at times I still do, but I find it so hard to focus most of the time that I can't even be bothered to pick up a book and read. I also used to enjoy drawing but I can be quite a perfectionist and have a habit of comparing myself to others. After always getting frustrated with my work I sort of gave that up. Another thing loved to do is play video games, mainly fantasy role playing games. I find them a good form of escapism and the story lines can be so intriguing and the quests really interesting and challenging but I just dont get the same satisfaction from them that I used to, I don't really know why that is.

Are there any activities you enjoy doing? I quite like your profile picture, did you draw/paint it?

[faegirl]

Hey stormcloudz,

That's a cool analogy. I like it.

I will have to think about how to go about this. I know I probably should have one, but I still don't have my own medicare card and use the one my parents have. I've also never been to the Dr alone (ahh what a sad human I am hahaha), that's kind of why I was thinking I need to let my parents know. 😞

I'm not to sure it's an eating disorder. In the past I would sometimes be really cautious about the sorts of foods I ate because I was unhappy with my body but I don't think it was that severe. It didn't last very long, but that mentality does come back sometimes.
I don't really know what it is, I just don't have much of an appetite these days. I drink quite a bit of coffee. I'm always quite busy at uni, and sometimes I skip lunch and get a small snack + coffee instead because I don't want to lose my spot in the library or wherever it is I'm working in my breaks (my uni has too many students imo and it's always a real struggle to find somewhere to work). I always have a good dinner though and whenever I have days off I try to eat good food throughout the day. My stomach has probably shrunk quite a bit which is why I'm not as hungry and can't eat as much food in one sitting (probably a good thing though).

Hopefully I can work something out soon. Talking on here has helped me feel a little more at ease about trying to get some help.

[Chloe_M]

Hi Fae

Its okay I haven't been to a doctor by myself either (unless you count the orthodontist, then I take back what I said lol).

I sometimes get days like that, where I don't want to eat because I'm 'unhappy' about my body- which is dumb because I'm actually quite fit. I think the best thing to do is just try ignore your thoughts and eat.

I found after I started posting here almost 2 months ago, I was very shy. I have grown confident in not only myself but others. I have learnt to open up to people. It's a very valuable skill.

Take care x

Chloe 🙂

[stormcloudz]

Ah, I see. I wish I knew more about the Medicare system so I could give you some advice! I think if you call the GP's office they will be able to advise you on what shows up on claims, and what support you can get. Believe me, those receptionists have seen it all! The BeyondBlue helpline or the Medicare help line might also be able to help with the practicalities.

It's not surprising you don't have your own Medicare card given you are not long out of school, that's pretty normal. I had a quick look at the Medicare site and you are certainly eligible for one of your own now. Getting your own card does seem to involve filling in a form that would also be signed by the other adults on your existing card (ie your parents). But maybe you can explain to them that you are trying to be responsible and go through the process of gradually learning to be independent - taking care of your health is part of that. Or you may even find that you can be a bit more open than you expect - they may be relieved.

Don't be concerned about going to the doctor alone - it's actually easier as you can be a bit more direct. If you don't get the response you need, try another; like counsellors, some are better than others.

Let us know how you go. I'm glad you are feeling a little easier about getting support, it's a smart move despite the hurdles you might have to jump over : )

[MrAllGood]

Hi all. I'm new here. The title of the forum resonated with me the most, so I thought I'd start here. I too have no feelings and have not had any for as long as I can remember (like 10 years +). From the outside my life & lifestyle seems envious, but internally I pretty much feel numb - no highs, but the occassional low. I've been diagnosed with dysthymia which has given my condition a name, but am not on any meds. I see a psychologist, read as much as I can, travel, have two loving adult daughters who live with me and I run a successful business....but I feel nothing. Everything is 'meh' - I find no real enjoyment in anything. If this sounds familiar, I'd love to hear from you what works for you or perhaps we can just chat.

[Chloe_M]

Hey MrAllGood,

Welcome to the forums! I don't think I can really help that much, have what I'm sure is undiagnosed depression and anxiety. Not diagnosed or treated. Am seeing a psych for the first time soon. But I can relate to the not feeling anything sort of thing. It's like, people ask me questions if I'm sad, and I say no. They ask me what's wrong. I say nothing. Because its true. It's so damn true. nothing's wrong. I don't feel anything. I'm just numb.

i have zero motivation. You're right, everything is just meh. No comment. That sort of thing. I very rarely have highs, but when I do they're crazy. I have lows a couple of times a wee. If I'm lucky I don't have a low that week. But the next week is hell.

I hope you've gotten something from my little rant. I'd be happy to keep talking here. Hope you have a peaceful night

chloe 😄

[stormcloudz]

Hi Mr AllGood - just a quick welcome - good on you for posting. I can't post at length right now, but just wanted to say if you don't get many responses, it may be that your post is lost in the trail above. Feel free to start a new thread if that happens.

You're right, there are lots of people on the forum who will be happy to talk about what works for them, and if they don't happen to be online right now, just search for dysthymia on the forum and you'll find relevant discussions. Here's an example :

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/depression/dysthymia---i'm-newly-diagnosed