I don't know how to be honest with myself

[Wonderland]

I had anxiety for 2 years silently struggling to breathe every single day. I was so scared to reach out for whatever reason. I was so scared to admit it to myself. I finally accepted it and reached out for help and I feel I was on track to recovery. However, last year I stopped talking to my abusive mother. Even though I know it's for the best it plunged me into a dark place. A place I have now been trying to escape for over a year. I feel so stupid, because I feel like I have done it again. All over again I have been scared to reach out. I have been scared to admit it to myself. I am in a depression. I can't be alone with my thoughts. I can't sleep. I miss my life but can't seem to get back to it. I did go to my GP to talk about medication, but I just cried the whole time. And answered the questions on my mental health test dishonestly because Im scared to be diagnosed. I don't know how severe it is, and how much of this is normal. I don't know what to do to get better. I tried to see my psychologist again, but found out he has left the clinic. I cried a lot and it just feels too overwhelming to organise a new psych. I feel it might be time for me to take some medication, but I'm honestly so afraid of gaining weight. I feel like it's so stupid and I know mental health is just as important but I'm already thicker than I'd like to be.

I just don't know how to deal with this. I'm trying so hard but haven't made any progress.

[Eliadswishes]

Hi Wonderland

Hope you're doing better today and thank you for sharing your experience with us. Depression and anxiety are not scary; they are only scary when you found yourself feeling lonely and helpless, but don't worry, you have us as your back :). I'm very sorry that your psychologist left the clinic, but I am sure that your next psych will also be a wonderful person as well. Do not be affected by you're weight, cuz you're beautiful no matter what. Not all medication would make you gain weight, but it is your own decision to take the meds or not. Anyways, believe in yourself and your choices, and always look out for those tiny sparks of joy in life that will make you slightly better.

Sweet dreams to you 😉

[quirkywords]

Welcome Wonderland to the forum.

Thanks for your honesty and well done for writing your post and starting your own thread.

You have been through a lot in last few years and congratulations for reaching out and seeing a psych.

It can be hard when you finally find some one you feel ok with and then move on. Alas that is life but it is still hard if you find it hard to cope with change and go throughout the whole process of finding another psych.

Would you phone your clinic and explain how you psych has moved and how you find the process of finding a new one to be overwhelming. Often the clinic will be able to help you if you let them know.

I was so scared of a label that for 16 years I was in denial and refused to believe I had a label.

It was brave of you to stop talking with your mum. That is a huge step and would be helpful if you had support from a psych to help you navigate this change in your life.

Do you think you could possibly ring up the clinic and see if you get help find a new psych.?

Quirky

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