Overwhelming feelings of being otherworldly.

[Desedrata]

Hello,

This was a topic I wasn't originally going to bring up but since I have noticed a couple of other people have mentioned having similar feelings and thoughts, I thought I'd brave mentioning my experiences.

I am an athiest however I was raised a Catholic and was also exposed to a lot of mythology and folklore. It was/is believed that some members of my kin see ghosts and have premonitions, myself included. I have always had a curious mind which lead to me seeking answers wanting to know how to become more intune with these gifts. I read and then I read some more and what I discovered broke my heart. For some reason or another I believed science and magic were the same thing which is probably fortunate really because I searched for answers in the non-fiction section and I found them. They just weren't what I wanted. I did not find how to strenghthen my gifts. I did not find how to get back to the world of Faye instead, I found reality. It was a shock to say the least and I spent a good decade or two coming to terms with my discovery and the loss of an entire world. I also commited the most unforgivable crime against God next to being Athiest. Which since then has left me with a feeling of being trapped in Pergatory as punisment and what better way to punish me then to force me to live the life I wished so, very much to escape.

I feel trapped here in reality and have a constant longing to return to my world. I feel like when I see things or have very vivid dreams that they are my real kin trying to get me back, take me home. I know this is not the case but sometimes I still google to try and find away home, just incase. Part of me wants to forget, to live my life but the other part of me is afraid to because then the demons that put me here will have won or is it by holding on that I have failed the angels that put me here to protect me from the Faye?.

I don't actually want anyone to answer that question as I know it is not real. I just can't shake the feeling is all. I have written this to let others know they are not alone in feeling that they do not belong to this world.

What you think does not define who you are, what you do does.

[Croix]

Dear Desedrata~

I'm glad you now have your own thread, incidentally your name always makes me think of the Desiderata, something I really like, any connection?

I've read some of your posts to others including Max (island-wiz) and think they are pretty helpful.

Now I have a background that was until my teens a very religious one (Anglican High Church) and have had throughout my life felt it's sometimes quite strong tenets still buried in my mind and affecting my actions. What one is lead to believe when young casts a very long shadow.

Thinking your action was the most unforgivable crime - even thogh you no longer believe it-is the sort of thing I'm talking about. Forgive me, I know it simply is not, it is a combination of illness and circumstances. I have been there too. Beliefs are changing even within various religious denominations anyway.

Life has handed you a most hard time, not due to anything you have done or believed, to put it crudely s*** just happens. PTSD has it's own peculiarities and being remote can be one of them , I've experienced that. I've believed I was back at a situation, or even a different one, and found coming down confusing.

Yes longing to return to a more wonderful world, and feeling trapped are completely understandable, however your life may change. I do not have enough experience or wisdom to gainsay the world of 'Faye'. I do think you have been looking in the wrong places for proof or guides, I read widely on all sorts of subjects but have never found what you seek.

My grandmother in Wales put out milk and bread some nights. It made her more comfortable.

I guess looking inside yourself is the only real answer. For me I suspend disbelief by retreating into fantasy worlds in books, or sometimes movies, written by others. It helps me a lot to mentally exit into a kinder place. The authors brains and mine must independently share much the same world-view, even if it only comes out as fiction.

As for everything, you are not alone

Croix

[Desedrata]

Hi Croix,

Glad you found me and that I am not alone.

In answer to your question, yes my user name is a reflection of the Desiderata. I just couldn't remember how to spell it and figured google would kindly autocorrect it for anyone who looks it up. My grandfather would recite it to himself during the war and he gave a copy of it to my mother.

I disappear into books too. I have not read all his books yet but Terry Pratchett is my favorite author. May he R.I.P. I never really thought about it before but yeah, I guess he and I did look at the world with a very similar point of view.

Thank-you for your kind message it feels good to finally find people who can relate.

[therising]

Hi Desedrata

I have found science and magic to be the extremes. Whilst both deal with different aspects of energy, there are a plethora of fascinating energy based concepts to explore in between. If you're feeling stuck in the in between (aka 'purgatory'), perhaps some of the following may be of interest: Quantum physics (basics), metaphysics, Chi energy and my favourite being Prana.

Kundalini energy is a truly fascinating topic that I imagine will interest you. The Chakra system ties the energetic aspects of mind, body and nature (aka spirit) together. Current 'reality' (today's world) typically has these aspects of self as being separate or fractured.

I'll give you a brief snippet of what I'm talking about. The 3rd eye chakra (one of the major energy points) is seen as being related to psychological issues, the pineal gland (which is a fascinating topic all of its own) and clairvoyance. It covers mind, body and nature all in one.

Kundalini awakening can be an extremely intense roller coaster ride that can be seen from 3 aspects

• When observed purely from a psychological viewpoint, it can be perceived as a psychotic break or a break in/from reality
• When observed purely from a biological viewpoint, it can be perceived as a manifestation of physical illness/symptoms, as the body's energy shifts
• When observed from a spiritual viewpoint, it can be perceived as a significant shift in mind, body and natural (nature based) energy all in one. As the mental and physical 'blockages' begin to shift, there are some crazy 'special effects' so to speak

Finding someone who is expert in Kundalini awakening is incredibly important.

Anyhow, I hope this has helped.

Take care on your journey of self discovery

[Desedrata]

Thanks for the advice. I am familiar with these and alas Quantum physics seems to have no end and the others were dead ends at least for me but I am hopeful that there is more then one way, after all houses have more then one door and there are always the windows and then there is always sledgehammers. I am extremly appreciative that you made the suggestions and that you have such an open mind. Just recieving these suggestions has put me more at ease. It's nice to meet someone willing to look at it from both angles. Thank-you.

[Croix]

Dear Desedrata~

The Desiderata, no matter how you spell it, is a realy lovely thing to choose as a name. I have a copy on the wall in my kitchen, and just glancing as I pass by has an effect. I really think your grandfather must have found a deal of solace in it during the war to have given a copy to your mum afterwards.

Perceptive of you to choose it. Did you ever meet your grandfather?

I guess the Color of Magic and Light Fantastic would be my favorite of Mr Pratchett's works, though it is a long time since I read them. I do find it comforting that others have the same sort of ideas/world view, even if only expressed in fiction.

I have a strong feeling in your case purgatory will morph into a better life, you are thinking, alive and trying. I found the religious and emotional influences from my upbringing became weaker and weaker as time went on.

Croix

[Desedrata]

Hi Croix,

Thud is my favorite of Terry Pratchett's books that I have read so far but I have a soft spot for the Hogfather and have the dvd of that one as well.

I only ever met my grandfather once as he lived in England. He and granny would send me a couple of postcards a week and when I met him he was everything I dreamed he would be. He was tall with broad shoulders, his eyes a pale blue like mother's. Mother says that everyone that met him loved him. He never turned anyone away. He helped everyone.

He came to visit alone when I was four about a week before his death. He sat me on the rails of the porch on the last night of his visit just before I went to bed and wrapped his strong, warm arms around me. We were looking at the night sky just the two of us and he told me that he was dying only I didn't know that was what he was telling me at the time. It was the reason he had come to visit but nobody not even Grandma knew he was dying he only shared his secret with me and at the last possible moment. He said, " I am going away, further then England, further then the moon and beyond the stars. I need you to look after the family for me."

He held me a bit tighter for a little while and I just absorbed his warmth and then he picked me up and carried me in, kissed me goodnight and handed me to mother and that was the first and last time I saw my grandfather.

[Croix]

Dear Desedrata~

That is the most beautiful story. You must have held a special place in his heart, sending postcards meant in some ways you knew him before you actually met him.

He must also have been very special to view his end with such acceptance, and a gift of words to put it to you in such a gentle way. It sounds as if he was at peace.

Thank you for telling his story. I am sure there is a lot of him in you.

Croix