I can barely keep my head above water.

[Oizys]

In the next fortnight, I have a lot of big responsibilities I have to undertake. I have to socialise in a professional capacity for the first time in 8 years.

Im not suicidal, that is not something I would ever consider. I just want to go to bed and stay there is all.

I've lost an important person in my life, they are still living but will never be the same due to what they are going through at the moment. I'm very much grieving them. It's like they have died and been replaced.

My relationship feels like it's in its death throws. I feel like a single parent.

I have no friends I can really talk to about the big things. The only people I have are family members.

My life at the moment is making sure my kids have all their needs met, and then just pulling myself through the rest of the day to do it all over again.

I just needed to vent. I feel overwhelmed. I will make it through it like all the times before but it doesn't make it any easier.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Oizys,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing your story with us here.

We are sorry to hear that you just want to go to bed and stay there. It sounds like a lot is happening right now, especially after losing an important person in your life. Please know that you never have to go through this alone, and support is always here for you.

If you would like to talk to someone, the Beyond Blue Support Service is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

We hope that you will find some comfort here on the forums. Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.

[geoff]

Hello Oizys, can we offer you a warm welcome to the site.

When we are unsure of ourselves or have been upset by the loss of someone who disappears, then new responsibilities we are expected to undertake diminishes when our confidence fades away, especially if our relationship is not ideal at home, simply because we don't have the support we were expecting from home.

You will look after your kids, but day after day everything can become much harder, which is then reflected on how we are able to cope at work, so there are days when we can push these concerns to the side, but other days when they are first and foremost in our mind and we try and conceal these thoughts, but at times this can't be done and make our day drag on.

From what you have told us in your post, there are many hidden problems that need to be talked about, if that's what you want to do because we want to help you.

Take care.

Geoff.

[therising]

HI Oizys

First, my heart goes out to you regarding the friend and friendship you're grieving over (due to their change of circumstance). I feel for you and them so deeply.

Eight years is definitely a long time to be out of practice when it comes to interacting with people in such a way. Do you recall how you used to practice this? Are you someone who naturally has a good feel for people, you can get a good sense of their nature? If so, can you imagine exercising this sense, in a professional capacity? Of course, much easier said than done. After years of being a stay at home mum, when I returned to work all I could initially feel were my own stress levels 🙂

That single parent feeling, I get it, I really do. With my son being 16 and daughter turning 19 this month, it was okay in the beginning when I was given the freedom to manage the kids' lives. Of course, as our kids grow, so does the complexity of their lives. So, you go from managing simplicity (in a way) to great complexity. The more kids, the more complex your life becomes, especially if you're feeling you're the only parent seriously working hard to guide them. Then you can be taking it up a notch, making things even more complex: If the other parent's advice is coming through how they were raised, such as 'If someone at school's making your life hard, just hit 'em' but you've evolved beyond your typical upbringing, you can be left alone to work out how to manage your child's problem without violence as a 'solution', for example. Taking it up another notch, if you become the 'go to' problem solver, the kids learn to approach only you all the time. Can definitely get exhausting. Takes a lot of energy for you do be doing all you're dong Oizys. You're undeniably amazing, you gotta admit. I imagine you even amaze yourself at times.

I've found, over time, while exercising tolerance can put me in touch with my incredibly tolerant sense of self, exercising a healthy level of intolerance puts me in touch with a whole other aspect of self. Whether that other sense of self is 'the bi*ch', who calls it like it is, 'the commander', who commands that no one should be sitting on their butt to leave me to do everything or 'the nurturer' who dictates 'We need to actively love each other through the tough challenges and not leave each other to feel alone', calling on different aspects of self has benefits.

Which sense/s of self do you feel the need to call on?

[jaz28]

Hi there,

I just wanted to say that it is okay not to be okay. You are strong though. We are all here for you and you aren't alone.

Please seek help if you need it, and call the Beyond Blue hotline 1300 22 4636 if you need immediate support.

Regards,

Jaz.

[Oizys]

I feel as though I have tried both, and more. I tried the subtle hints initially, and it didn’t work. Next, I tried to explain and get my other half on board with helping me, and it lasts a day before I’m on my own. I broke down and practically begged for help a few times before I stopped trying. Now I’m at the point where I don’t ask, and he is not my partner in any sense of the word, he is now another child I have to care for. My children are young so I don’t put much household responsibility on them, they are kids after all.

[therising]

Hi Oizys

Younger kids are definitely more demanding, more dependent. They're more reliant on you for entertainment too and general all 'round guidance and direction in everyday life.

Do you know why your partner's so detached? Do you feel he's depressed or simply lazy? Do you feel he doesn't think it's his job to help out so much or maybe he doesn't have the energy due to underlying physical issues that aren't necessarily recognised, such as a sleep deficiency issue, vitamin or mineral deficiency etc? I imagine you've asked him why he doesn't help out more. Is he a non communicator type?

It's seriously tough managing a household, tougher than some people imagine. When people speak of 'carer burnout', typically it's associated with caring for someone with obvious physical or intellectual challenges (whether that person's young or aging). When you consider what it takes to care for children, a house, paying the bills, working outside the home to generate more income, various people in everyday life outside of the house and more, I'd class the exhaustion and emotion that comes with this as a form or carer burnout too. When you're caring almost constantly for people and things, it becomes a matter or 'caring too much for your own good'. It's not good for us to be left taking care of too much. I think, regarding our partner, it's less about 'Please help me' and more about 'Please, save me'. When they're 'saving you' on the odd occasion, you can definitely be left feeling abandonment and resentment.

I've found perspective to be an interesting player in any relationship. For example, from my husband's perspective, he's described my nature over all these lockdowns in Melbourne as being 'Up and down like a dunny seat'. Well, thanks for that dude, defining my mental health through using the comparison of a toilet seat. From my perspective, I'm someone who has to be careful in managing not to let what's depressing me keep me in such a state. As I said to him 'What you see is me feeling incredibly down and working so hard to raise myself out of that downer (hence the highs)'. What he's witnessing is a lot of hard work from someone who survived years in depression earlier in life. Sometimes our partners do not see or refuse to see how incredibly hard we're working at times. Sometimes, it's only when we stop work and their life becomes harder/more demanding that they finally see it. When you can't simply stop yet they feel they have choices, cue resentment.

[Oizys]

That's exactly it. I can't stop, if I stop, the house stops. I don't know how else to explain it to him. I feel like I've used every combination of words in every situation under every circumstance and nothing has changed, so I have given up.
I don't even cry about it or anything else anymore, I just focus on my kids and get on with it. Sometimes I get overwhelmed and skip the laundry for a few days, the counters get cluttered, and it compounds the problem. Any bit of consistent help would just make things so much easier right now. Even just an acknowledgement of how much effort I put in. Any appreciation at all.

It's a lot to be putting this out there, I've always been a strong believer in your relationship problems are no one else's business. It stems from watching women air all their dirty laundry on social media and just trying to put myself in their partner's shoes. How embarrassing. I just can't hold all this in anymore though. I'm not looking for magic answers or solutions, I just need to vent somewhere.

[therising]

Hi Oizys

Venting is good for overall health. Keeping to yourself that which leads you to feel anger, frustration, stress, constant disappointment and more is, technically, keeping your dis-ease to yourself. Any long term dis-ease is said to lead to some form of physical disease. So, better out than in I say.

I can relate to focusing more on the kids. I think if it wasn't for coming to focus more on my kids I wouldn't have discovered a lot of the best in myself. Kids are amazing when it comes to helping us re-member who we naturally are (putting our self back together in a variety of ways). They can remind us

• It's important to have the occasional tantrum. At times it can help people wake up to themself
• It's important to question just about all that is questionable. Little kids are the masters of questioning, with one of their favourite words being 'Why?'
• They're often reasonable, 'Can we go somewhere, I'm bored'. Boredom is a good reason to get out and about
• They are the absolute masters of imagination. Being a visionary/clearly seeing what's in our mind is a gift. It's what helps set goals
• The ability to wonder is also a gift. To have an open mind, as opposed to a closed one, gives us the ability to think well outside the square
• To adventure or add ventures to life, instead of repeating the same old ventures every day, is partly what reforms us

I could go on with a long list in regard to what natural therapists kids are but we'd be here just about all day. They're amazing people, our kids. Through their amazingness, they can lead us to amaze ourselves. All of a sudden, we can discover we're actually far more amazing than we originally thought. The more we re-member our self, the more amazing we feel. Yes, hard to feel your own level of amazingness when you're exhausted from being so amazing 🙂 I think this is where some time to yourself, time for reflection, plays an important role. I suppose you could call it your 'How amazing am I?!' time. You might be surprised.

I used to appoint my husband many roles to play; the romantic, the co-counselor for our kids' challenges, the adventurer, the wonderer etc. I gradually dis-appointed him from a lot of the roles I'd given him. It was a process which held elements of grief. Being the opposite of what our partner is can actually show us more clearly who we are. We can be the romantic (occasionally buying flowers or chocolates for our self), the counselor, the adventurer, the wonderer and so so much more.