I am a successful professional failure

[Leya22]

Hello BB

I am a 32yo female, a qualified health professional, in a wonderful secure relationship. I live in a nice house, drive a nice car, make good money & have good relationships with family & a handful of close friends. I generally have good physical health, I really have nothing to complain about.

BUT....... That is the exact problem, despite all this I feel like a failure. I feel like I am not good enough, I feel like I'm a useless burden to everyone.

I have battled depression since I was a child, my parents first sought help for me when I was about 9 or 10, & I have seen various professionals since. It wasn't until a few years ago that I accepted depression was with me for life, & was something I would need to tackle EVERYDAY for the rest of my life. I've been medicated on & off for years, but I useto take myself off it as I knew how to do it safely, I have been pretty good for the last 2 years I stuck to my meds & had regular CBT with a psychologist who I really clicked with. I built good support networks, opened up about my depression & even weathered a few 'storms' (difficult times that could potentially unravel me).

The issue is that the negative self talk is winning the battle at the moment, I've had a few challenges lately, but nothing severe, and nothing that should have been so unraveling to my mental health, which only adds to the feelings of failure, 'why am I so emotionally usless?' Is a question that runs around my head frequently. I started a new job & am finding it difficult, because even tho it's in the same field, it's a new skill set & I am not feeling confident at all!

My partner is overseas for work at the moment, he is a huge part of my support network & I guess I underestimated the effect his absence would have on me. I started the downward spiral about 6 weeks ago, I hit rock bottom last week, I have had to take a few weeks off work, am changing medications (having awful withdrawl at the moment) & need to find a new psychologist because the one I saw previously has stopped practicing due to her own poor health (this makes me so sad, she is young with 2 small children and a beautiful soul).

I guess I don't really need advice, I've been on the 'merry go round' for years & have started the process of getting better yet again. I am just a bit lonely & edgy at the moment, I'm alone at home & I guess I want to hear from people who understand what it's like to face the internal challenges again, & again, & again.

Thanks Leya x

[white knight]

Hi Leya, welcome

I think I understand. I also think that hubby being overseas a new job and med withdrawal has made you very insecure ATM.

I'd check one thing with your doctor...going totally off meds. Even a few milligrams minimum for lifelong can stop these low periods coming back.

Nightly have a read of threads here. I'll list a few I started some time ago. Just google them

Topic: 30 minutes can change your life- beyondblue

Topic: medication is like a whirlpool- beyondblue

[blondguy]

Hi Leya

I understand where you are coming from. I had depression for many years and still take AD's for it. I had a partner a few years ago that was a health professional like you and she had to work interstate for a few weeks. I didnt know at the time but I also underestimated the effect her absence had on me and I also had great difficulty and went into a downward spiral.

I just wanted to send you my kind thoughts for what you are going through...The internal challenges are very trying...Well articulated Leya. Sorry to read about your previous psychologist too..young with small children..

You are not alone..It would be great if you choose to write back 🙂

Paulx

[GuyIncognito]

Hi Leya,

I've been on that merry go round for about 25 years and it's back again. I can sympathise. I classify myself as a functional depressive/anxiety sufferer. I can go about daily life but I feel strangely disassociated from it. I'm trying to find the right balance of meds and mindfulness and seeing a therapist. Don't be afraid or ashamed to ask for help. I understand and I feel your pain. Being on these forums has made me realise that I am not alone in this, nor do I have to do it alone. I'm talking about it more than I have in ages. Stay strong. Always here to talk or listen.

All my best.

Guy.

[Beagoodmum]

Hi leya

this is my first post after I registered with beyond blue few days ago. Your article is the first article I have read in the forum. I can't imagine why someone living a perfect life could also suffer depression after reading the first paragraph that you write about your life. I am a bit older than you nearly 35 yo and a mother of two young children. I live in a noisy house. I can't speak good English and I don't have much skills I reckon. My depression was started 5 years ago after my 1st daughter was born and I have got it come and go and still having it after my 2nd daughter was born last year.

I thought I have depression because I don't have a mother in my whole life, she abandoned my when I was a baby. My dad got mental illness and he doesn't know what he should do with me. My grandparents of my daddy side raise me up. I love them very much. I guess I am still lucky. But I always feel that I am different to my other classmates so feel sad very often. But it didn't become depression since I became a mother. I never expect too much work need to be done by a mother and I feel so tired and did not feel any joy of having a heathy baby. I complaint about the noisey home I live and I don't have a good career like my uni classmates,etc. Anyway, since I am still fighting with depression while looking after my second daughter, I feel I am much better than before, but the failure of not being able to be a good mother that I wish I could be bothers all the time. Other issues like noise, bad English, worries about work still unsolved. I admit that I am a stubborn person and a very slow learner. My older daughter has got problem control her temper and emotions as a 4 yo. I don't want to lable her as a difficulty child as she is just 4 and not too bad. But I worried that I put bad impact on her already.

sorry to Mutter so many threads. I would like to tell you that I admire your life why being so depressed. You probably given yourself too much pressure. Try to accept of who you are and live the true life which is happy not sad!

Be happy to make everyone around you happier! Hope both you and me can do it!

[Leya22]

Thanks White Night,

This is exactly what I was hoping for in this forum, a friendly ear who isn't trying to tell me 'look on the bright side' or 'just do some exercise, that always makes me happy'. I will have a look for those posts you recommend.

I am changing from an SSRI to an SNRI so have weaned off one and just started the other yesterday, thank goodness I took time off work to do it, my withdrawl has been like an out of body experience.

After my lowest point I built good supports so I know what I need to do to get back on top, it just gets exhausting having to do it time after time.

Leya x

[Leya22]

Hi Paul,

Thanks for taking the time to reply, it's funny really, we think we are OK but really we are a house of cards, or a Jenga game... take away a few supports and you still stand, but take the one strong piece and we crumble in a heap.

I am lucky to have the life I do, I know that, I just wish I could turn the brain off at times and just live it.

Leya

[Leya22]

Hello Guy,

Thanks for writing, I like your term of 'functional' that's pretty much exactly what I am, it does make it difficult at time to talk about it, because peple just can't see how you could be so successful and have such inner turmoil.

I am glad I decided to join this forum, I have lurked around for a while, and used the features of the website more than once, but I already feel less alone having posted here and having put my thoughts into words.

Leya

[Leya22]

Beagoodmum said:

Hi leya

this is my first post after I registered with beyond blue few days ago. Your article is the first article I have read in the forum. I can't imagine why someone living a perfect life could also suffer depression after reading the first paragraph that you write about your life. I am a bit older than you nearly 35 yo and a mother of two young children. I live in a noisy house. I can't speak good English and I don't have much skills I reckon. My depression was started 5 years ago after my 1st daughter was born and I have got it come and go and still having it after my 2nd daughter was born last year.

I thought I have depression because I don't have a mother in my whole life, she abandoned my when I was a baby. My dad got mental illness and he doesn't know what he should do with me. My grandparents of my daddy side raise me up. I love them very much. I guess I am still lucky. But I always feel that I am different to my other classmates so feel sad very often. But it didn't become depression since I became a mother. I never expect too much work need to be done by a mother and I feel so tired and did not feel any joy of having a heathy baby. I complaint about the noisey home I live and I don't have a good career like my uni classmates,etc. Anyway, since I am still fighting with depression while looking after my second daughter, I feel I am much better than before, but the failure of not being able to be a good mother that I wish I could be bothers all the time. Other issues like noise, bad English, worries about work still unsolved. I admit that I am a stubborn person and a very slow learner. My older daughter has got problem control her temper and emotions as a 4 yo. I don't want to lable her as a difficulty child as she is just 4 and not too bad. But I worried that I put bad impact on her already.

Sweetheart you are already stronger than me, I do not want children, I am terrified that I will not cope, not give them a good life, not be able to show them the love and compassion little children need.

Build on your existing strength by building a good sport network to help you when times are tough, family, friends, a good GP, a psychologist, a class mate, a lecturer, spiritual leader, mums group..... whatever works for you my dear, do it for yourself and do it for your children xox

[blondguy]

Hi Leya

Thanks for writing back! You are so right about the 'House Of Cards'. I have been in senior management/staff training for many years and even though I have done well with the financials etc it can be debilitating and exhausting...ugh!

I am really happy that you mentioned you are glad you have joined the forums 🙂 Like you I have worked hard and tried to keep this 'House of Cards' upright so to speak. Success and being lucky isnt a consideration where depression/anxiety is concerned. 'It' can effect anyone. I hear you so well.

Depression to me is just like a physical illness whether it be diabetes or a severe infection. It should be treated as such. I am not a doc/health care pro but its just what I have experienced since 1983 when I was diagnosed initially with generalized anxiety disorder.

Thankyou for the great thread/topic Leya 🙂 It would be great if you have the time to post back with your thoughts/advice. Being a public forum the majority of people choose to read the forums and not post which is fine. You have most likely helped many others already just by posting.

My Kind Thoughts for You

Paulx