I [33M] have never dated, had a relationship, and no friends. I feel there is no hope for me

[AceCowboy]

Hi. 
I’m writing this at 4am, as I get a lot of restless nights thinking about this. As the title suggests, I’m very lonely. Without getting into everything, I’ll try to put down everything I can.

Growing up, I had a very abusive mother, who would always make fun of me and tell me I was a mistake. One of her “jokes” was that I was a chubby kid in high school, so she used to put one of her bras on my bed and say since I’m so fat, I might need one. The abuse even came from her extended family, with my grandma telling me all the time how worthless I am and nobody will ever like me. My family members have even shunned me over something my grandma told them. My grandma had even brought up my cousin (who had committed suicide) and told me she wished it was me instead of him. Even my brothers have been no help. I would ask them advise on talking to women, and I would either get ignored or insulted. Their only “advise” was to get drunk and have sex with a drunk girl. My oldest brother would mirror my mother at times, calling me a “fa**ot” 

I’ve never had a date, let alone a relationship. I had tried to talk to women, but a lot of encounters I’ve had, the woman would tell me to F*ck off or make fun of my weight. I’m not obese or anything. I do have a little bit of a belly, but I do workout frequently. I’ve tried dating apps, but never got any matches

I have tried sporting activities to help me meet people. Like pro wrestling and ice hockey. Each time though, the same thing happened. I would make friends, and then they turn on me. With wrestling, I was given the nickname “muffin top” because of my physique and was bullied a lot. In ice hockey, I voiced an opinion that my team should encourage teamwork rather than yell how much we sucked. I was promptly kicked off my team, had false rumours spread about me and started receiving death threats. My older brother, who also plays in the same league, did nothing to help.

Because of my past experiences, I have major trust issues and I’m afraid of people. I want to move past all that, talk to people, and have a happy life. But I’m scared if I talk to people, I’m just going to cop the same abuse. And the older I get, the more I feel hopeless. Like nothing will change and how pathetic I must be to not have a partner by now

[Scared]

Your family have got you wrong

You are none of those things.

When family bully you it has a great effect on your self esteem.

More so than if it were strangers bullying you.   I dont blame you for having trust issues and in general there are many nice people in the world that wont treat you badly.

I would recommend counselling or at least self help books on self esteem and learn ways of overcoming trust issues.

I dont advocate people leaving their families behind but some emotional distance needs to be put in place whilst you recover from these damaging people.

Its ok to save yourself from harmful people and it is sad you had to go thru all this.

[AceCowboy]

Thank you for replying. 
Those family members, I have completely cut out of my life, and haven’t spoken to them in about 12 years.

I do seek counseling and talk to a psychologist, but at times it feels like more of an interrogation approach where they ask me stuff and they need a solid enough answer, even when I don’t know what to say/do.

It’s not just the family I have trust issues with. Like with my example with the ice hockey, everyone was nice and it was a space I felt welcomed and safe at. But because after 1 game where they were just screaming how much we sucked (keep in mind, it’s a very low level recreational league) and I said we should encourage the team, I started getting death threats and harassed into quitting. Even recently, I had to stop talking to someone simply because they said they wanted to fight me, completely out of the blue.

[Scared]

To receive death threats for encouraging your team doesnt add up to me.

If this were happening to me I would ask one of the team that I felt comfortable with for their opinion on why you have been subjected to this very odd responses that you received.  
Im not saying this is your doing but part of being a healthy human is at times we all need to check our words and behaviour towards others.  Back in 1988 I started to do these spot checks on myself and thanked people for their honest opinion.  But I also knew when the feedback was not true and disregarded those opinions..

Ive known alot of people who never bothered to check in on themselves and never listened to anyones feedback.

One of my friends has never said sorry and gaslights me.   This friend wont listen to others feedback and as a consequence i have lost love for her.

This friend is smart but lacks emotional intelligence and as a result people are constantly at odds with her as she refuses to listen or change.

I write all this because of death threats to you that  dont seem to meet up with the circumstances surrounding the event.

No one likes criticism but its a great person who keeps a check on them  self.

The rewards of more people liking you as a result of you getting feedback and making changes is enormous.

There is not a single human alive that doesnt benefit from keeping a check on one self every once and a while

[AceCowboy]

It is much deeper, since I didn’t want to go into it because it was very painful, but it was a “cause and effect.” with it resulting me losing my friends, because they believed malicious rumours. It’s a little disrespectful to try and pry that out of me, just because it doesn’t add up to you.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear AceCowboy,

I’m really sorry for the abuse you endured in your childhood and I understand very well how that sets you up to fear people in life. Both my parents bullied me as a child and I was afraid of people from my earliest memory. My mum would repeatedly tell me there was something wrong with me. In my early teenage years my dad made derogatory remarks about my appearance. Both were highly verbally aggressive, my dad also physically abusive.

What I have learned is that in a family system one individual can be targeted as the scapegoat. People in the family who want to take their unhappiness, anger or frustrations out on someone will choose that person to bully. It’s absolutely awful because as a child you try to orient to your family for safety. It can cause a process where you begin to internalise shame and assume you must be bad. This way as a child you try to make yourself safe because blaming yourself is the one thing you have control over. It’s easier to see yourself as faulty because you need to try to feel safe in the family environment. Even if you rationally know your family system is faulty there can be a deep internalisation of shame at a primal level. This is a common dynamic in complex childhood trauma.

It’s not uncommon to then grow up being scapegoated by others. Bullies have a way of targeting those who are vulnerable. It’s taken me years to see all these issues more clearly. One of the things helping me now is that I’ve found a good psychologist to work with. Before that I’d tried other therapists with approaches that didn’t work for me, including interrogation-like approaches that sound possibly similar to what you describe. I know this type of approach would cause me to lose my words and dissociate. It may be that you just haven’t connected with the right therapist yet. A good therapist will be able to hold space for you and you should be able to feel safe and secure in their presence.

So I do wonder if you did some searching if you could find someone who is a better fit. I tried several and ended up going with someone who does a somatic approach I’m interested in. Her online profile aligned with what felt right for my sensitive nature, including her compassion-focussed approach. I wonder if you could do an internet search for therapists who work with the patterns of childhood trauma? You could even phone some of them to have a chat to sense if they’d be a good fit.

One of the most challenging things after the childhood experiences you describe is learning to re-parent yourself in the healthy ways you were not as a child. That is what I’m gradually learning now. There is an approach called Internal Family Systems that I’ve found quite helpful in relation to this. If you work with a good therapist who is really present with you and sees you, then you begin to learn trust, perhaps for the first time. This allows you to begin to trust and value yourself as well. It is the forming of healthy attachment that you missed out on in childhood. From this new experience of trust and healthy attachment you begin to be able to both nurture yourself in healthy ways and reach out into the world with more confidence in relation to others.

A friend of mine who had horrific childhood trauma has come to realise with clarity now that there was never anything wrong with him. We are actually ok and always have been. It was the childhood conditioning that set us up for struggle and isolation. These patterns can be shifted and let go of. I feel it will be possible for you to form kind and positive attachments with others. Although you may not feel it right now, at 33 you are still relatively young with much life ahead of you. Although I have dated I have found it virtually impossible to properly enter a relationship because of my extreme fear. So I really get how hard it is for you. But it’s never too late to begin to heal, form healthy attachments and potentially find a partner too. Even me at 49 (almost 50 now 🫣), I’m beginning to see the potential for things where previously it always felt like there was an invisible barrier preventing me from connecting with the world. That barrier can dissolve. It’s starting to happen for me and with the right support it can for you too.

Take care and I hope you feel welcome and safe here.

ER

[Eagle Ray]

Hi again AceCowboy,

Reflefting on your original post, I just wanted to say certain qualities shine out in you already. For example, you recognised the value of positive encouragement over toxic negativity in relation to your life hockey team. You can also recognise that your brother’s advice about dating girls is morally wrong. These aspects to you show you have greater emotional intelligence, insight and wisdom than those other people. You are already ahead. There will be people out there who can see and appreciate these qualities in you, even if you have to quest a bit to find them. I just wanted to add that perspective - you are so far beyond the people who have bullied you. Know that you are a good person deserving of love.

[Eagle Ray]

P.S. that was meant to say ice hockey not life hockey - argh autocorrect!