Hypocrite

[Magyarok]

My wife has jealously issues and is a control freak eg she hates it when i exercise as she's afraid that i'll be attractive to other girls. I'm often faced with ridiculous questions such as 'Do you love her?' and 'Do you wish you were with her and not me?' These concerns are unfounded, i've done nothing wrong and i haven't acted in a manner to raise concerns! It is her paranoia!

We have an absolutely gorgeous 5yo daughter. My wife suffered post natal depression and our marriage was on the rocks and a couple of years back we almost broke up. Over the last 18 months i made a real commitment for change, i thought we were getting closer, i thought things were getting better so i thought!

My wife's jealously issues continued e.g. two weeks ago i was interrogated by her because of a mutual work colleague who was flirting with me in front of her. I could understand her concerns you know beautiful 18yo girl throwing herself at me, it was flattering considering she is 23 years my junior but i didn't do anything to encourage this and i certainly didn't give in to temptation. But still i had to endure my wife's interrogation and repeated questioning and accusations. I can understand this!

Then last week she had another jealously fit, this time because i provided a former female work colleague with info to help for a job interview. How could anyone possibly be jealous over that? I don't understand!

But get this! I accidently found out over the weekend that she has been texting a former partner on a regular basis which has been going on for the last 18 months behind my back. I'm sure they're not talking about just the weather. She assures me that she is doing nothing wrong - maybe she is or maybe she isn't, i don't know! All i know is that she values his friendship!

But the thing that really gets me is that her jealously outbursts against me was disgusting and unfounded and then i find out she has been doing this over the last 18 months when we were supposed to be working on our marriage! If the above situation was reversed i would be subject to all sorts of accusations and rightly so.  But apparently for her to do this is perfectly acceptable, explainable, justifiable and i have no right to be concerned. So what does that make her?

Her double standards sicken me and i have never felt so distant from her. The last 18 months have been i lie and obviously her interpretation of working things out is different to mine! Can't stand the sight of her

Dave

[Neil_1]

Hi Dave

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for coming here and providing your post.  And not just any old post either;   one that must be so very difficult for you.

It’s interesting to read that around 18 months ago, things were stormy then and you say you made a real commitment to change;   which to me reads that she may have thought that there were things that you needed to adjust or fix and that for you to say that you made a real commitment to change, that you thought so also.  Having said that, relationships are never a one-way street.

It sounds like there are trust issues (on both sides) and these need to be addressed, I believe, in order for your relationship to continue moving forward.  So it’s a very positive step that you’ve made by coming here and posting.  Perhaps the next step is to possibly take up with a professional counsellor or perhaps even a marriage guidance person.

I do hope I’ve written something here that may have helped or has triggered another thought that you may have.  And hope to hear back from you on this.

Kind regards

Neil

[Magyarok]

Hello Neil,

Thank you for your reply. Last night when i wrote the above i was quite upset and i had alot to get off my chest. Simply writing about it helped even if it was a bit nonsensical and emotive.

Prior to 18 months ago our marriage was in serious trouble i thought we were going to break up we almost did.  When i think of those years all i see is grey clouds and gloom and nothing else. This period lasted about three years.

We both needed to change.  She has alot of unresolved issues that she needs to address and i do as well. I am no angel and she certainly isn't either. About 18 months ago i tried my best to instigate change, I made a real commited effort she was supposed to as well.

Yes i have sought counselling in the past when our marriage was at its blackest. I even managed to drag my wife along as well but her mind was closed to it and she considered it a load of the proverbial. She chose not to continue but i persisted. 

But despite this things did seem to improve over the last 18 months so i thought! We seemed to be reconnecting so i thought! The grey clouds seemed to be dissipitating and i could see blue skies and sunshine but it was only a momentary break in the storm! I thought i could see a light at the end of the tunnel but it was only a train on a collision course! 

Oh yeah, the person that she had been secretly texting behind my back for the last 18 months is someone that she cheated on me with when our marriage was at its worst. Therefore the last 18 months have been a lie, an illusion! I tried to close the door to the past and move forward without looking back but she decided to keep that door open, even if it was only a touch and then it swung open.

I feel like an idiot for trying and for having faith considering it wasn't reciprocated. Her recent outbursts against me were disgusting and unfounded especially considering what she has been doing all this time. That makes her a hypocrite! Right now i feel the need to get back at her and maybe i will but what would that achieve? That would make me a hypocrite as well! 

But despite all this for some bizarre reason very deep inside i still love her but there is alot of emotional junk and other issues (from both of us) causing obstructions.

I'm not sure if the situation is salvageable or even if i want to? Thanks for your reply

Take care

Dave

[Neil_1]

Hi Dave

Great to hear back from you and thank you for your latest response.

I think there are a lot of people on this site (and I am one of them) who feel it beneficial just to be able to write their story (or part of it) and put it down and get it out of the head.  It makes for a  feeling of ‘lifting the load a bit’ and just for a sense of having expressed it out and I’m sensing that this could also be something you may have found too;   I hope so.

You’ve mentioned that you’re not sure if the situation is salvageable or if you really wish to try.   Only you can know the answer to that and as a result of that I would really like to wish you well and hope that whichever way you decide, that it will be the right one.

I’m not really sure for what else to say at this point, only to mention that if you feel that there’s something unresolved from this post, then please do ask again;  OR if there’s something else that you’d like to raise, then please do so.

Kind regards

Neil

[Magyarok]

Hello Neil,

Thank you for your response. You do so much to help people here on BB. You are awesome!

On an individual level i feel as though i have done everything that i can.  However on a couples level there is so much more that we could have and should have done. I acknowledge that the decision is mine (and hers).

I'll have a discussion with her in which i'll be asking her questions such as 'How do you view our current stuation?' 'Do you want to move forward?' 'What does moving forward look like to you?' and 'How can we achieve this?'  I guess the responses i recieve will pretty much determine my answer!

Yeah sure we could revert back to where we were during our darkest times which appears to be where we are heading. There are temptations but i can't bring myself to it. I don't want to go back to a time where i was numb of any feeling and operated on auto pilot. I was only just trusting and allowing myself to feel again and that is why this hurts so much.  Allowing ourselves to feel is a risk but it is what makes us human therefore it is a risk worth taking and we shouldn't feel ashamed if we are hurt.

I am not afraid of breaking up. I want and deserve to be in a loving and commited relationship and if i can't have that then i would rather be single.  However my biggest concern is our beautiful little 5yo daughter. I love her so much and i am a very devoted and dedicated dad who does so much for her. I don't want to lose her and i don't want to be a part time father. The thought of this hurts the most. None of this is her fault and she doesn't deserve this! This is my biggest concern!

My wife and i have hardly spoken over the last few days. I can see how sad she is and so am i. Before i eventually go to bed at night i can see her reaching across my side of the bed and then again in the morning after i get up like she is subconsciously seeking me out in her sleep. This givess me some hope and part of me wants to reach out and give her a hug and somehow make things better but i simply can not. I can not bring myself or force myself to do it too many emotional barriers junk!

This friggin' hurts so much that i can no longer stand it........sorry! It's not easy!

Dave 

[Magyarok]

Update since last post .....

I've just tried to initiate conversation with my wife in a positive and constructive manner.  Unfortunately i was met with stoney faced silence.  This is her usual response when faced with issues ....... just ignore it and it will magically dissappear!

Since submitting this thread a couple of days ago my initial upset / anger has turned into a deep sense of sadness and grief.

We'll see what transpires?

Regards

Dave

[Neil_1]

Hi Dave

I really am sorry to hear how things are going for you at the moment;   and I guess you’ve got the underlying concern (and worry) about what may happen with your beautiful daughter in regard to how the relationship ends up.

It concerns me a little also when you say that since submitting your post here initially, you’ve gone from feelings of upset/anger to now being a deep sense of sadness and grief.  I say ‘concerns’ in that I hope that by you posting here it hasn’t actually made YOU feel worse inside.

For the record, I think you should be damn proud of yourself for making this happen;   I’ve said it before many times, that we are only here one time (as far as I can gather;  no real evidence out there to suggest we have multiple attempts that life) and as we’re only here one time, doesn’t it kind of make sense that we should try to be as happy as possible.  To be living in as loving an environment that we would like and for all intents and purposes to have that reciprocated back to us.   I could wax on more about this aspect, but hopefully my gist has been received.  🙂

Keep chatting as often as you feel ok to do so.

Kind regards

Neil