Husband is not supportive when it comes to my depression.

[nootnoot]

I have been diagnosed with depression since 2009 and have had ups and downs since then but I have mostly not felt depressed for a few years. I am 11 weeks pregnant and the past few weeks I have felt the most depressed. It's like my antidepressant has stopped working. I have bouts of crying, thoughts of suicide, thoughts of abortion and thoughts of ending my marriage. Very extreme thoughts. I am tired every day and everything is effort. I still try to carry on with going to work and looking after my almost 3 year old but all I want to do is lie in bed. I have never been able to talk properly with my husband about how I am feeling. He avoids any conversations about feelings by laughing them off or becoming defensive. I have spoken to my obstetrician and my family who have said to try and talk to him about how I'm feeling at the moment. I brought it tonight and said I have been feeling very low in mood lately and finding everything a bit much. He laughed and said "low in mood, you just get on with it". He knows he upset me and I've now gone to bed early. He never comes to apologise for being insensitive. When I last saw my obstetrician she mentioned the option of a mental health admission to sort out my medication and talk to a psychiatrist. I know my husband would not like that as he'd have to look after our son alone. I know his mother and father would be supportive and help him out. I would miss my son but I want to be better for him. I don't give him as much attention as I used to. I don't know what to do but I know I need help. Thank you for reading.

[therising]

Hi nootnoot

With so much going on in your life, I feel for you so much with you not being able to gain any sense of relief through talking with your husband. I believe while there are certain times where we're able to tolerate our partner's behaviour, there are other times where it can feel completely impossible. When it's completely impossible, there's definitely gotta be a plan in place that serves us in some way.

Sounds like you've got a solid plan in mind, with the mental health admission. Do you think it would be possible for your mother-in-law to move in while you take a break to work out strategic management? Maybe you've got some other plan in mind when it comes to what best serves your son. Whatever works best. As you'd know (being a mum and wife), parents and partners can be tested under a variety of circumstances. This is your husband's call to rise to the occasion, no matter how uncomfortable it may be for him. This is going to test him.

'You just need to get on with it'. Grrrrr😡! This is definitely one of my least favourite pieces of 'advice' when it comes to managing mental health. The other would have to be 'Toughen up and stop being so sensitive'. Oh, my gosh! What the?! As a mum, wife and all 'round human being, took me some decades to work out 'Yes, I'm sensitive because I can sense things and that's not my fault, it actually relates to my ability'. Major revelation that is a game changer. Problem is that it's not always easy to know exactly what it is we're sensing. Is it a mental issue, a physical issue or even a soulful kinda issue or maybe a combo? Physically, am I sensing a depressing chemical imbalance involving oxytocin, dopamine, B12, iron and so on? Or maybe I'm sensing exhausting high levels of cortisol. Mentally, am I sensing some seriously depressing inner dialogue coming from the people pleaser in me that insists 'Don't rock the boat'? What would the intolerant part of me say, if given the chance? Maybe something along the lines of 'Do not tolerate less than what you deserve or truly need on this occasion. Rock that damn boat if it means progress!'. And on a soulful level, am I sensing the feeling of 'Being left alone to work this challenge out for myself'? That one definitely has a feel to it. Mentally, physically and soulfully, if we have the ability to feel the side effects of what's depressing, we'll feel them because it's in our nature. Again, that's not our fault. Sometimes a major challenge can come down to being able to feel or sense who is not this way inclined. Btw, I've found it can take a fair bit of strategy when it comes to dealing with people who can't sense so well (aka 'insensitive people'). One strategy, of many, can involve a healthy sense of wonder. Wondering at people can occasionally make a difference. 'I can't help but wonder why you can't feel what I'm saying to you. Do you know why you can't feel it?'. 🙂