How to talk about how you feel to your partner who already has depression

[stacey27587]

Hey everyone! 
I’ve been really struggling mentally lately, I’ve got a lot going on and I’m just the the point where I’m exhausted all the time that I don’t have the strength or energy to look after myself; I’m not showering, eating much, I sleep but wake up feeling the exact same I’m just going through the motions each day. It has put a big toll on our relationship 

My partner has always suffered from mental health and I feel like if I talk to him about it I will burden him more and make his worse

what do I do? 

[Croix]

Dear Stacey27587~

Welcome here to the Support Forum, it's a good move and others here will have had similar problems and if you look around you will find ways they have dealt with them.

That feeling of struggling though the day, then waking up and going though it all again is a familiar one to me, and highly discouraging. One can wonder how much worse it can get at times.

It sounds as if there a lot of pressures in your life anyway and I'd not be surprised if exhaustion plays its part too.

Do you mind if I ask if you have been to see a doctor about this? The reason I asked is I had not really understood how ill I'd become until I did, and eventually that was the start of my improvement.

Living as you do can be a very lonely busines, feeling cut off form everyone. Having people to support you can make a big difference. I was lucky and eventually told my partner who after at first thinking it may have been at least part her fault was told I was simply showing well-known symptoms and gained the confidence to be a real support.

Apart form your husband is there anyone else to lean on? They do not have to fix anything, just listen and show care?

You did ask about talking with your husband who has depression.  What make me hesitate to say more is the fact you have said there is already a big toll on your relationship. 

Would you like to say more about this, is it impatience wiht you and lack of understanding?

I was at that stage, torn between wanting to be alone, and angry with family. In that state I'd not have been receptive to other's troubles - my mind was completely filled with my own, put there by my depression.

Later on yes, as my recovery progressed I was able to feel for others and wanted to help, but that was later

So what are your thoughts on this?

Croix

[Sophie_M]

Dear stacey27587,

Firstly, thank you so much for joining our forum community! We are grateful to have you, and we hope you will gain as much from being here as we do from receiving your stories!

Croix has said so many vital things so beautifully here; I won't reiterate overmuch - beyond pointing out that, even when both people are struggling, a problem shared is a problem halved. Some of your partner's experiences in fighting the black dog may be of genuine used to you - and seeing you strive to fight with all your strength might be the inspiration he needs to fight on.

Try to remember in those moments though, not to try to take responsibility for each other's experience. There are many ways to hold space for each other, but neither is in a position to do the other's work for them. Know that you genuine efforts to be there for each other is enough.

Also, please do not hesitate to reach out to us anytime you need - 24/7! 1300 22 4636, or click into our webchat feature!

Please stay in touch, stacey!

Sophie M.

[yggdrasil]

Hi stacey27587,

Thank you so much for posting on here. Croix and Sophie_M have made very important points so I just wanted to echo those.

Are you speaking to a GP that you trust about where you're at? Most GPs are pretty clued in about mental health these days, and can help you set up a "mental health care plan", which entitles you to up to twenty free sessions per year with a psychologist/social-worker you choose.

It sounds like you're in that burnout valley sort of place. It's a really tough place to be at because the turn-around typically wont be overnight. Are you able to simplify your life at all while you're in this exhausted/depressed place? Work less, reduce any other activities/responsibilities that are draining you? This for me was a necessary step to starting to build back up out of the burnout sort of depression.

You don't have to eliminate all "responsibilities" and activities however, I think instead you just need to find the lowest level responsibilities/activities you can handle, and very slowly build back up from there. For example, if it's currently too hard to get out of bed, you might just set the small responsibility for yourself "every day I will get out of bed and shower". If that's too difficult, you might just resolve to sit up on the edge of the bed each day before lying back down again.

I think it's sensible to be really honest with yourself about where you're currently at, but also have clear, small, achievable aspirations you can work on in little ways each day. As you recover you can then re-assess your old responsibilities and decide whether or not they are sustainable to take on again. Gradually you can put yourself back together, maybe very similar to before, or maybe with a rebalanced focus or emphasis in your life.

Regarding talking to your partner, while I think it's often sensible for romantic partners to know when each other are suffering from poor mental health, I think it's usually best to save the really heavy mental health conversations for people who are a bit more detached - like professional counsellors etc, or supportive people in settings like this. 

Thanks again for posting here, and I hope the coming week goes a little smoother for you.

yggdrasil