how to move forward?

[Pelayn]

Hi

Over the last three months i have been doing therapy for the first time for depression. Its been a roller coaster of emotions. My husband has been a great support.

I hit bottom, couldn't go to work and thought id lost my best friend cos of the way I treated her. After her yelling at me down the phone we reconciled.

I've been doing much better the past few days but i still feel like I'm relying on others too much. I get disappointed when friends don't return messages or doesn't initiate contact with me. I am lonely when I'm by myself. I also get jealous when my best friend does things with her other friends. I really really can't go through a repeat of last month.

I want to be happy with my own company and not feel like I'm waiting for people to make contact all the time.

Can anyone share and experiences? ?

[Pelayn]

Thanks Mary.

I've had a bad day today and my tendency is to push people away when this happens.

My husband is looking into other help between sessions. He has some mental health contacts who should be able to help out. Thank you for the leads also.

I'm used to being able to fix things and i just cant fix this even though im doing everything i can. I'm trying to simplify my life to make things a little easier to cope with.

[Doolhof]

Hi Julie, Mary and everyone else reading this,

Thanks for the wonderful explanation on schemas Julie, it sounds like something I might like to pursue myself. I will Google more information and see the people at the library to see if they can get any books in for me to read.

Boxes are extraordinary things aren't they! They have so many uses. Mum made us a doll's house and doll's furniture out of boxes. Must have taken her many hours, including all the furnishings as well.

Our friend's parents owned a shop. We used to make excellent tunnels and hide outs out of the fruit boxes and used flattened cardboard boxes for the roof! We played out in the yard for hours!

Sorry to read you are not feeling so great Julie. I've had a few really flat days, thankfully I am on the way up again now.

I came home from work and felt rather yuck, so went to bed for a couple of hours. I have now been able to concentrate on my bookwork, organise forms and make some soup for tomorrow.

The computer wasn't doing what I wanted it to do earlier, so instead of having a hissy fit I asked my husband if he could have a look for me. He couldn't get the email or Word to start up either. So I felt better about that.

Do either of you ladies enjoy colouring in? It is quite a craze at the moment. There are so many delightful and intriguing colouring books available.

Years ago, a friend was quite depressed so I bought her one of those books where you had a picture on the page, that when you added water on a paint brush, the colours would appear on the page. My friend loved that book!

Wishing you both and everyone reading a brighter day tomorrow!

Cheers all from Mrs. Dools

[Pelayn]

Hi.

For those who are interested about knowing more about schema therapy i had a session yesterday.

My therapist said the reason I'm having such a rough time at the moment is because I'm facing my schemas head on. I'm so aware of them now and how they are making me feel and think. Its getting harder for me because of this.

I have discovered more things i was never taught as a young child about relationships like how to reconcile. It just didn't happen to me as a child. So im facing some of these situations for thefirst time.

Strategies she suggested are doing highly involved tasks when on my own which is when i go into my 'schema head'. I need to be out of my schema head as much as possible and be looking at it like i'm waiting tv. Then i can think rationally. Once im in my schema head or inside the tv i make bad decisions based on emotions.

She said my schema is very strong and riding it out is all part of the process and can feel terrifying at times. I'm not sure what is next.

I've just been pushing all of these feelings down all my life and for the first time I'm confronting them.

Hope that makes some sense. Happy to share more as i go.

Enjoy your day!

Julie

[Doolhof]

Hi Julie,

Thanks for sharing. I meant to look up Schemas on the internet then forgot all about it. My short term memory is not always that good!

This certainly does sound like a very interesting way of looking at how life has contributed to creating the people that we are.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[White_Rose]

Hello Julie

Your explanation makes perfect sense. However I wish you would not copy me so much.☺.

I did not really work on schemas with the psychologist mainly because there were only ten sessions and I was in a bad way for at least the first five. Now seeing a psychiatrist which I find upsetting. She is nice but I am unhappy about it. Money talks however and her fees are almost covered by Medicare now that I have reached the safety net. I knew there was a reason for having three lots of surgery this year.

Yes, pushing down all your emotions, it's good trick until it all explodes in your face. Well now they are all out in the open, well mostly, and it's time to manage this part of my life. I think I was already doing a great deal of this with my (different) psychologist, before anyone mentioned schemas. He just let me talk and I wish I could go back to him for therapy but alas no.

Relationships can be wonderful and toxic. In retrospect I think I lived in a mildly dysfunctional family. No great traumas as far as I can remember, but probably not a lot of care. It's hard to go back and look at my family life because I always believed we were, on the whole, just ordinary people. So it seems wrong to think my family were dysfunctional.

I agree with your psych about completing involved tasks. That's why I listen to music or books while I do something else. Gotta keep them gremlins under control.

It's good to know you are firmly set on your journey.

Mary

[Pelayn]

Hi

Mary that is exactly what i though about my family!!!! Little did i know.

I've done more reading on schema therapy and i think my psychologist has employed an affirmation technique to acknowledge and validate my feelings, that they are real and help me understand where they came from. Also some CBT to help try and rationalize things which is really hard.

I've had 9 sessions now. I'm keen to try revisiting some of my memories as the therapist suggested. I'll probably only have another 3 sessions this year due to finances. 😕

As i said before day by day.

Julie

🌼

[White_Rose]

Hello Julie

Have you been recommended to read Reinventing Your Life by Jeffrey Young? I already had this book when the psych recommended it to me. Based on schema therapy.

How are you going with revisiting your memories? I find myself doing this far too often and it usually sends me into a downward spiral. Looking at the past with a deliberate intent I can imagine being very helpful so long as you don't get seduced into staying there. Understanding the past in terms of knowing why others acted as they did and how you responded is a great help. Looking at my own past on occasions I can see that not everything was personal. My parents and siblings had their problems to cope with which had a flow down effect to the children.

Not that it necessarily make things easier, at least not for a while. We first need to re-frame these actions and memories and try to understand what led to any incident. I will write more later.

Mary

[Pelayn]

Hi.

Thanks mary - no i haven't read that book!! I have read a few things from young. I will track it down.

Remembering things from the past haven't been an issue so far. More like 'ahhh' that makes sense. I have learned my dad had a more positive influence on my life than i realised. I am grieving the relationship i don't have with my mum now I'm aware of my schema and where it came from. (Not that it was a surprise) My therapist said that is quite normal. I always kept hoping something would change i guess.

We visited my family this weekend. Its not upsetting but i just have very little to say when im with my mum. It's very awkward.

My current relationships cause me the most pain.

I do love hearing about different experiences from people with similar issues. I don't know anyone personally who has experienced anything similar.

Julie

[White_Rose]

Hello Julie

Sorry to be so long in replying. I have had a very full week, some good and some bad. Taken a little while to get back on track. However, I have had some aha moments which is good. Yes it is sad when we realise what we could have had if we had only known better. Life is like that unfortunately. I suppose if we were super beings we would have all our relationships in order and live happily ever after. Sigh.

As it is we must struggle and learn to live with the outcomes. One thing I came to realise this week is losing and finding. I left a volunteer role I loved for all sorts of reasons and grieved about that for a long time. It is still there in the back of my mind but without the pain it once produced. During the grieving period I lost sight of many things and just when I thought it was all over I landed into a mess of physical illness which led to more emotional pain.

The good news is that I believe that is now all behind me and I can move ahead in my new roles. I would not be here if I had not let go of my 'other life'. So it's all good.

Mary

[Pelayn]

Hi Mary.

Hope things are going well for you at the moment. Thats great to hear you are moving forward.

After some more pain I've made a connection to something i do that is common to a lot of my issues.

I may have already mentioned this in passing but - i think when i say things to people I'm close with, I already have the response i want from them in my head. When i don't get that response it triggers my schema and i get very upset. Its largely my husband and my best friend that trigger this. Sometimes work. My husband will always come to me even when i push him away so we always work things out and i love him for that. The friendship with my friend is however suffering.

Do you experience this?​

I'm looking forward to discussing this with my therapist next session.

Have a lovely day.🌹

Julie