how to move forward?

[Pelayn]

Hi

Over the last three months i have been doing therapy for the first time for depression. Its been a roller coaster of emotions. My husband has been a great support.

I hit bottom, couldn't go to work and thought id lost my best friend cos of the way I treated her. After her yelling at me down the phone we reconciled.

I've been doing much better the past few days but i still feel like I'm relying on others too much. I get disappointed when friends don't return messages or doesn't initiate contact with me. I am lonely when I'm by myself. I also get jealous when my best friend does things with her other friends. I really really can't go through a repeat of last month.

I want to be happy with my own company and not feel like I'm waiting for people to make contact all the time.

Can anyone share and experiences? ?

[Pelayn]

I know your intentions are good. I don't feel like a bad person at all but i did and still do feel like this friend cared for me as much as a piece of dirt and had no regard for my feelings and what would happen to me. Things did go down hill for me after that in a big way.

I was just someone in need of help through a rough patch and she didn't value our friendship enough to see it through. Not a friendship i want to hold onto.

I don't mind that ppl are still friends with her as they haven't seen the side to her that i have. She sucked me in with her sickly sweet personality but i soon discovered there was nothing beneath it. i really hope she doesn't do it to anyone else.

I don't believe people should treat others in this way. And when they do i am unable to forgive nor reconcile as i was never taught how to do this growing up.

I am between psychs at the moment due to $$ so we didn't get to work through this.

I removed myself from that friendship group as it caused me a lot of hurt at the time. I've remained in contact from a distance. Only this week i contacted one of the girls and have had no response so feeling a little raw. Only one of the girls has bothered to keep our friendship going and offer some understanding. Why should i loose a group of friends of 7 years. Our kids grew up together. Growing apart is one thing but writing ppl off is another. I am just further evidence of ppl losing friends due to mental illness and lack of understanding.

[Quercus]

Hey Julie,

Thanks for replying. If you want me to stop writing to you just say so ok. I find this helps me because I have worked through and am still working through similar feelings...

i did and still do feel like this friend cared for me as much as a piece of dirt and had no regard for my feelings and what would happen to me. Things did go down hill for me after that in a big way.

I get this. Totally. I had an abusive ex that if I saw him today and confronted him would say he didn't do anything wrong. He would honestly believe this. And yet his harm of me was devestating. I have had to reconcile myself with this.

I will never get acknowledgement from him that what he did was cruel and wrong. That people will like him. That he probably has a family and friends who adore him and think he is wonderful. The hardest part was accepting that. Accepting that I had to let the anger and pain go or it would destroy me.

You are a good person. If those 'friends' wanted to keep in touch with you they would have made the effort. You reaching out to them makes you vulnerable to being hurt. You have new friends. You can make more new friends and start new interests and move on. You don't need 'friends' who don't bother to make an effort for you.

Friendship goes both ways. Regardless of how long you've known them if they don't bother to make an effort at all then why are you extending the energy in wanting their approval?

[Pelayn]

It's fine. I just get over hearing about what i 'should' do. If it was that easy i would have done it. I'm going to need a lot of help.

* if they don't bother to make an effort at all then why are you extending the energy in wanting their approval?*

I totally agree and I Wish i knew. That will be the first thing i take up with my new psych. I don't want this group of friends in my life as such but i don't want them not liking me either. They have no reason to not like me anymore.

I know it sounds a bit school yard but it evokes some deep seeded emotions in me thus the schema therapy.

Take care

Julie

[White_Rose]

Hello Julie

Sorry about taking time to reply. My Polymyalgia was still making me miserable and I am (still) very tired. I do write in here but at the moment one post is enough. I come back later sometimes and try again. Anyway I am feeling much, much better and my GP has changed the meds slightly, so hopefully I get the good effect but not the side effects.

I asked Quercus to to write to you as I felt she has a way of empathising and I was just not up to anything. I know she was trying to help and is certainly qualified by personal experiences to help others. I cannot comment on the conversation but I do ask you to accept my apologies for an intention to help that upset you.

I don't want this group of friends in my life as such but i don't want them not liking me either. Yes, been there myself. Why do we care about the good opinion of people we do not want as friends? But it is hurtful to find you have been judged wrongly. I have finally decided I will never regain the good opinion of some people and all I can do is move on. I get upset as it means I miss out on friendship with others. Not much I can do and I have finally stopped trying even though I am distressed now and then.

I have decided that everyone in the world is not going to like me, just a few. It certainly makes my Christmas card list shorter. 😊 So I make friends and content myself with being able to trust them. When I started my radiation treatment after the breast cancer surgery, these friends arranged for one or other to chauffeur me to the hospital every day for three weeks. I still get emotional when I think of it. So enjoy the friendship of those you have now and let the others go.

I am sorry I need to go now. Just found myself falling asleep again. Damn this illness.

Mary

[Doolhof]

Hi Pelayn,

Like Mary has written, it is with mixed emotions me consider the dilemma of not caring how people feel about us, still wanting to feel like we fit in, being hurt, feeling alone and everything else that is thrown into the mix.

My in laws tell me that I am not part of the family and that hurts like crazy some times. It makes me feel like I am not good enough. Then I think, what the heck, I have a choice to accept them for who they are and enjoy the family gatherings as much as I can or feel miserable while I am with them.

Feeling excluded does hurt. For me I wonder if it is as bad as I think it is or am I making the situation worse? There was a group I was involved in and I felt like no one there cared about it. When I was in hospital in January three of those people came in to visit me and another sent a couple of texts.

I'm sorry for your situation. It is not nice to feel shut out or excluded. I do hope you are able to find new friends who do care. I too try to make myself happy. It doesn't always happen, but trying helps.

Cheers for now from Mrs. D.

MARY I'm sorry to read your are struggling with your health. Thinking of you!​

[Pelayn]

Thanks all.

I hope you had a nice weekend. I got out in the garden and the sunshine. We took the kids bike riding with some great friends.

I hope you are feeling better soon mary.

I'm feeling quite good now. I opened an invitation to my old friends for coffee any time. I got no response nor expected or wanted any response. I feel good reaching out to them after being through a rough time (which i haven't discussed very much with them) and letting them know im improving. What ever happens now is more about them and not me.

They may be uncomfortable with mental illness or have been told untrue information. But how they respond is all down to them.

Here's hoping I've made some progress 😊

I have a very caring group of friends around me now and we are all there for each other.

Julie