how to move forward?

[Pelayn]

Hi

Over the last three months i have been doing therapy for the first time for depression. Its been a roller coaster of emotions. My husband has been a great support.

I hit bottom, couldn't go to work and thought id lost my best friend cos of the way I treated her. After her yelling at me down the phone we reconciled.

I've been doing much better the past few days but i still feel like I'm relying on others too much. I get disappointed when friends don't return messages or doesn't initiate contact with me. I am lonely when I'm by myself. I also get jealous when my best friend does things with her other friends. I really really can't go through a repeat of last month.

I want to be happy with my own company and not feel like I'm waiting for people to make contact all the time.

Can anyone share and experiences? ?

[White_Rose]

Hello Julie

How lovely to hear from you again. Thanks for posting. I would like to hope you do not start to pretend you are well. It is a slippery slope. It's alright to say you are OK and to talk about topics other than those you mentioned.

Opening up to your psych is a dicey business. It can bring up all the old hurts that we thought were well and truly buried. It's funny you mentioning the lack of emotional connection with your mom and its effect on your life. I have been discussing this very subject with my psych recently. I found it quite difficult to start with and indulged in a bit of crying. However it is all making sense. It's not that my mom was a horrible person, merely the events happening her life and everyone else for that matter made it difficult for her. Now I understand better I am feeling more at peace with her although this is only in my mind as she died 17 years ago. Still, I am easier with her memory these days.

I have decided to re-landscape my garden. It all sounds very grand and at first I was going to do small changes. However I have been inspired by watching TV to think more broadly and consider adding height to my garden, which is quite small. I need to sit outside and draw sketches of my thoughts. No today though. It's getting chilly, time to shut the curtains and keep warm.

I hope you continue to write in here.

Mary

[Pelayn]

Hi Mary

Good to hear from you. It sounds like we have had similar experiences with our mums. I'm not angry at my mum but i did go through a grieving process last year for the relationship we will never have. I don't know how to relate to her and always feel very uncomfortable.

To recap, the friend that was supporting me through my first therapy experience and the issues with my mum and by extension my other feelings/behaviors walked away last year. She was a mothers group friend so i had to step out of the group as it was too painful knowing they were all still friends and i felt i was being judged. They really didn't understand about mental illness. They were my main friendship group so it was a significant loss. It still makes me upset. I have since made even better friends through school.

My psychologist is expensive so im going to find another. My psychiatrist wasn't helping either.

I've been sick with pneumonia and off work for 3 weeks which hasn't helped. Off to my GP tomorrow so will hopefully get a new psychologist to try.

I'm struggling with the self care but i did have a shower today and ate well. Picking up the kids from school was the first time I'd been out of the house since Friday.

There isn't any one thing bringing me down at the moment. I just feel sad, heavy, un-motivated and questioning what's the point of it all. I need something to keep me going.

Julie

[White_Rose]

Dear Julie

This is a quick post to say thanks. That heavy feeling and lack of motivation is hard to fight.

I have to go out, after being out this morning and having a Nana nap in between. I will write more when I get back.

Mary

[White_Rose]

Hello Julie

Returned home and had a coffee. Now ready to face the world again. Had an appointment this morning as part of the five-year follow up from breast cancer. Two years down, only three to go. Got the all clear again so feeling good.

I am no longer angry with my mom, though it has taken a while to understand. It really is good to have these things settled. Grieving over this is natural though I expect you were sad and unhappy about it. The good part is that it shows you have accepted the situation and it is less likely to hurt you in the future. When you find a psychiatrist or psychologist that you feel comfortable with perhaps it would be helpful to talk about this.

My mom lived in the UK so it did not pose many problems. She visited Oz and stayed with me and I tried to nurture her as much as I could. My dad had died and she was very lonely. My children related to her quite well and were pleased to see her as she was the only grandparent they knew. My husband's parents died before I met him. I think she felt good staying with me but there was never the closeness I would have liked.

I hope your visit to your GP went well. In an earlier post I talked about the relative costs of psychologists and psychiatrists and suggested you talk about this to your GP. Medicare safety net provisions mean the psychiatrist fee gap can be mostly paid by Medicare when you reach the out of pocket amount. Worthwhile discussing. Do you need both types of psychs?

I hope you are getting over your pneumonia. According to family legend I had pneumonia every winter for the first five years of my life. Of course this was in the UK. Apparently the doctor arrived several times expecting to find I had died, but no I was still there. Maybe that determination has helped me all my life. Who knows?

Self care can seem such a chore. It seems to take forever to shower, get dry and dressed. Perhaps focussing on how fresh you feel after a shower may help. Or shower and get dressed later. Just taking small steps. Would it be easier to shower at night when all you need to do afterwards is put you nightclothes on and go to bed. You could make going to bed your reward for showering.

When I first became depressed I simply stopped eating. Lost 22 kg very quickly. I made a cheese sandwich every morning and took it to work. Forced myself to eat it in case I fainted or something. If only I could do this now.😊

Look forward to continuing the conversation.

Mary

[Doolhof]

Hi Mary and Julie,

Motivation can sometimes be difficult to find. I make a list of things I would like to achieve for the day. Sometimes I manage to do a few things, other days I don't.

For me it is beneficial to not become too despondent and to at least tryt o one thing then at the end of the day to find things I am thankful for.

Mental health issues and friends don't always go well together. There are times when you think people will be there for you but they just don't get it. I try to help myself when I can. That can become very tiring though at times.

Julie I hope you manage to find a psychologist you connect with who can help you.

Regarding Mums, that can certainly be a tough one too. For me I try to let go of the frustrations I have with our relationship and try to accept things are not as I desire them to be.

When I start thing about regrets, what ifs and if only, then I just become sad and despondent.

Wishing you both all the best. Cheers from Mrs. Dools.

[Pelayn]

Argh. Think I just lost my whole post 😕 Will try again tomorrow.

[Doolhof]

Hi Pelayn,

I have managed to do that a few times myself. I do hope you have another try later on. Sometimes a little frustration can start to grow into huge frustrations, so hope you are able to succeed next time.

It is a very cold morning here. I am going to venture out in to the garden a bit later on when it is at least 10 degrees out there. Right now it is zero.

I'm going to roast some vegetables and make them into soup, light the fire and work on some self help books and information a girlfriend sent me on dealing with loss and grief.

Writing out how I am feeling and what I am thinking has been helping.

I'm working more on how I can help myself, where I can find my motivation and build on my enthusiasm for life.

Cheers for now from Dools

[Quercus]

Hi Julie,

I hope you don't mind me butting in to your thread... I read your thread and your issues with your friend struck a chord with me...

I've learnt over the years the hard way that sometimes we do need to give a friendship space. It doesn't mean they don't care about you anymore though.

I had a very close friend through uni who was the only person who fought through my abusive ex to befriend me. She was my only friend. The only person who bothered to be patient enough to get close to me. I owe her my life. I love her to bits always will.

When I escaped and started fresh I realised our relationship wasn't healthy. She is a high maintenance friend. And it's not that she isn't worth the effort. And it's not that I don't care or love her. But I just am not able to give her the amount of time she needs from me and keep myself together. I cannot balance my husband, kids, depression, work, other friends as well as the guilt at not being able to meet her needs. It was driving me mad. I had to back off and accept that the relationship was hurting me.

It is devestating. There isn't a day I don't think of her. There isn't a day I don't regret hurting her. Making her feel rejected. Like your friend I spoke to her about feeling overwhelmed. I have a great need for space. I can go through phases of isolating myself until I can cope with interacting. She couldn't understand. I was able to cope with her needs in the abusive relationship because I had absolutely nothing else in my life. When my life changed she couldn't understand why I was changing too.

I kept hurting her by being distant. She kept hurting me by being too close. There came a point where I had to choose to put myself first.

I tell you this because your situation seems similar. You are a good person. You need affection and attention and there isn't anything wrong with that. Your friend has had a different life experience to you. And her needs are equally as important. She genuinely might feel unable to meet your needs without compromising her own needs. It's just a thought to consider.

I think it's a good thing for you to focus on yourself and your health for now. Focus on your therapy and feeling better within yourself. Your friend will find a way to reconnect with you when she is able and probably ask for your forgiveness. If not then she is not worth your time.

Thinking of you.

[Pelayn]

Hi Quercus

I'm sorry but your posts has upset me, to the point of tears.

I like writing here because i don't have people supporting the friend that walked away. I get enough of that in real life. What about the way I'm feeling? This is where i can express that without having people tell me i need to consider her situation.

I don't consider myself high maintenance and we had a great friendship for years prior. We didn't live close to each other nor called each other, ever. We just met for coffee from time to time. She is a social worker and when she offered me a supportive ear i took it. I guess I'm just saying you don't know the circumstances of our friendship. I was always ever so concious not to burden her too much.

In hindsight it wasn't a good friendship. It was superficial. I now have friends that are so much more genuine and down to earth which is wonderful.

Julie

[Quercus]

Hi Julie,

I am sorry that I upset you and that you feel like I've intruded on a space that you wanted to be safe for you.

Funnily enough I was also in tears when I wrote to you. The title of your thread spoke volumes... How to move forward... You've made new friends, accepted the friendship wasn't good for you and yet you have returned with the same pain.

It wasn't my intention to upset or criticise you. Just to say maybe you need to change your mindset or it will keep causing you pain. You can't make everyone agree with you so you need some way of accepting that this friend exists in your local area. That people like her. And thats ok. They're allowed to.

It causes you pain to wonder what you did that made her push you away. I'm just trying to say whether right or wrong she must have had a reason and you might not ever know why. I thought it might be more helpful for you to focus on the idea that maybe ending the friendship wasn't something she did to hurt you. That you honestly cannot know what was happening in her mind.

Maybe you did nothing at all? Maybe her partner is controlling? Who knows. The point is it's not your fault. And moving forward means accepting that her ending the friendship doesn't make you a bad person. Or her. You're just people trying to survive in your own circumstances.

I'll stop there. Please know I'm not trying to hurt you. From my point of view you holding onto the hurt and anger is stopping you from moving forward. Just my two cents worth. You deserve better than that.

Take care of yourself Julie.