how to move forward?

[Pelayn]

Hi

Over the last three months i have been doing therapy for the first time for depression. Its been a roller coaster of emotions. My husband has been a great support.

I hit bottom, couldn't go to work and thought id lost my best friend cos of the way I treated her. After her yelling at me down the phone we reconciled.

I've been doing much better the past few days but i still feel like I'm relying on others too much. I get disappointed when friends don't return messages or doesn't initiate contact with me. I am lonely when I'm by myself. I also get jealous when my best friend does things with her other friends. I really really can't go through a repeat of last month.

I want to be happy with my own company and not feel like I'm waiting for people to make contact all the time.

Can anyone share and experiences? ?

[White_Rose]

Hello Julie

Singing and playing the piano sound fantastic. I can sing, well in the shower at any rate. I have always wanted to play the piano and started to learn a while ago. Perhaps I should go back to it. Music is a wonderful way to distract yourself from unpleasant thoughts, but more than that it soothes and feeds the soul.

It makes sense to leave the heavy stuff until the meds kick in. I started taking a completely different AD earlier in the year. I started on a small dose but am now on a level that is keeping me stable and far more resilient. I think it has been more effective in stopping me running over the old stuff than anything I have tried before. And I am so much happier.

Well I suppose you may meet up with your ex-friend. Perhaps you can think of what you would want to say in that circumstance. Do you just want to acknowledge her, ignore her, stop and chat etc. It's good to have a plan in advance so you don't get flustered should you two meet up. If she wants to chat and you don't simply say you are busy and walk away. Easier said than done I know, but easier if you have a plan in your mind so that you don't need to think about the action you want to take.

It is good to have the same person prescribe meds as well as work with you. As you feel better you can take on more in-depth work. As your mind clears more and more, so you will be able to examine situations from a more realistic perspective instead of relying on your emotions to dictate your actions.

I was reading the list of things you have learned which I wrote a while ago and I was thinking how much they apply to me. So many times I have found when I am posting on BB that I am speaking to myself as well as the person I am answering. How lovely to be able to move intrusive and unwanted thoughts out of your mind. Such a joy to master that most difficult of actions. And much lighter we feel with no regrets. I can almost feel your happiness fly off the page and I am so pleased.

My situation is different to yours although it also entails the loss of a significant person in my life. I have almost reached the goodbye stage, just waiting until the panic dies down and does not rear its ugly head when I take the last step.

Mary

[Pelayn]

Hi Mary

Isn't it wonderful in that helping others we can also remind ourselves how to keep going. I feel like i have gained a lot of knowledge this year that i can now use to help others.

In other news i forgot how quickly things can change!! I was completely medication free on Saturday and wow, i became someone else, in a bad way. My husband couldn't say anything without me getting defensive. I felt my temper coming back with a vengeance which was a throw back to about 4 years ago.

I Cried and cried about what my mum didn't do with me ie. Nurture my singing, which was all i ever wanted to do. She didn't even know how much it meant to me. So i wallowed. I was angry at my ex-friend all over again for bringing all of this to the surface. I think i finally worked out how to comfort myself. i took a shower and lit a candle and i did feel better. I didn't once want for wine to feel better. I was proud of that.

On sunday after an argument i took off in the car in my pyjamas without my phone. I felt dizzy and had no where to go. Not my finest hour. My poor husband didn't know what to do! I calmed down and returned home cos i was worried about the kids.

My husband had called my psych to see if i could start on my new medication yet. The answer was yes. by the end of sunday things had calmed down.

Im home from work today just to make sure things are settling. I really don't know if medication can work that quickly?? But i feel better today. I remember the antidepressants gave be a real sense of calm when i had it 4 years ago so hopefully it will do the same again.

So after all that i feel like i can get back to life again. it's so surreal the extreme ups and downs the can happen in just one day! One minute you're on the run the next you're playing board games with the family. Not many people would understand that.

Did you have trouble changing medication? I'm glad you found one that is working. I hope you can take that final step without too much pain.

Take care

Julie

[White_Rose]

Hello Julie

It's fantastic to read you are feeling better. Yes, helping others does help us. I have often remarked that my posts are as much for me as the person I am writing to.

Ah, the medication debate. I imagine you were thrilled not to be taking meds but then to fall over so quickly is demoralising. When I stopped taking my AD towards the end of last year I had horrible withdrawal problems. Hindsight, as we know, is 20/20 vision and in hindsight I should have taken longer to get off the AD. But once off there was no way I was going back. So I toughed it out and it was a long and rocky journey.

I remember walking into my doctor's surgery and demanding to see her. Not my usual style and several months later I was shaking my head over it. At the time all I knew was I needed help. She started me on a completely different AD and at an extremely low dose. I had to see a pain specialist about a different matter and I remember him being most scathing at the low dose and ordered me to double it. Needless to say I did not take his advice. He had not bothered to ask why I was taking such a low dose, which was because my GP knew my meds history and was taking no chance that I would not be able to tolerate it.

I had five different, higher amounts before I reached my current level and it suits me very well. I remember taking the same AD that you mention but could not tolerate it. In fact the psych I was seeing was never able to give me what he called a therapeutic dose of any meds because of my reactions. Had he tried the group of ADs I now take I would have have become well more quickly. Newest isn't always best.

I enjoy singing and find it lifts me as little else does. So sad you were not able to follow your dream. I always wanted to dance but ran away from the class because I got laughed at. Now of course I wish I had gone back. Candles and showers are great soothers. Listening to music is a favourite of mine.

I'm not convinced that wallowing is always bad. If you are having a pity party it will not help, but going back to work out where and why you hurt can be constructive. My GP once told me I could do this for half an hour per day, no longer. I was to allow all the hurtful things to surface and look at them but after half an hour I had to get up and do something active and switch off the thoughts. And I could switch off if I moved and did something completely different. It took a bit of effort to do this but I found it beneficial.

Out of words.

Mary

[Pelayn]

Hi Mary

Wow we are similar! This past week i have been revisiting memories (not by choice) of the past few months but as soon as i feel them causing distress i shut them out and distract myself and move onto something else.

The new medication is working a little better each day. I am now in good humor most of the time and feel strong again.

My new psych apologised for not having a clearer plan for starting on the new medication. I did check in and say i was fine but things changed sooo quickly. Ideally i would have had a few days medication free but it was not to be.

Opposite to you, i have been lucky with very little side effects to any meds.

My return to work has gone well! Turns out the old manager i was struggling with is causing issues with others as well, which has made me feel a lot better, that it wasn't anything i was doing. My new manager is lovely and we get along very well. She will bring out the best in me.

So I'm really looking forward to a bit more normality in life now. The problematic friend is out of my life, my meds seem to be working, i have a great new manager, motivation levels are better, i feel stronger and hopefully sad days will be fewer and far between.

I sure hope I'm right as its really taking its toll on my husband, not that he would admit it. His work life is also incredibly difficult at the moment and i fear he will fall in a heap soon. I feel like I can support him much better now.

Have a lovely weekend

Julie

[White_Rose]

Julie, such wonderful news. I am thrilled to know you are feeling so well. It is such a good feeling to have on record that your manager was causing the issues and others have experienced this. So not your fault. What a relief.

So, friend gone, new manager, more motivation, meds working as they should, and best of all you are feeling so much better. Now you can return the favour to your husband and help him get through his difficulties. He can stop worrying about you which will be a big relief.

How easy was it to dismiss the old memories? It seems amazing to me that I struggle to do this, but when my physical health is improved my memories become easier to handle. I guess mom was right when she said eat up all your vegetables.

My life seems full of things I must do. I volunteer in a couple of places which takes three mornings a week and I need to fit in other appointments around these. Just had to change one appointment as the hospital breast care people want to see me for my six month check up and it was only a month or so ago I have to see the oncologist. Because of some stuff happening I have been seeing my GP fairly frequently and psych fortnightly. So hair cuts and exercise class are hard to find a spot for. But lo and behold, apart from church on Sunday morning my weekend is free. I think I will plant the new seedlings I bought yesterday and put the lavender plant in a big pot.

Apart from that, I can sit and read my next book club book. Sounds good to me.

Enjoy your weekend.

Mary

[Pelayn]

Hi Mary

I hope you enjoyed your weekend and got some things done. I repotted some plans and tied up my grapevine ready for it to grow again.

I'm happy to report I'm still feeling well and managing to get along fine at work. My only complaint is im still coughing after 3 weeks and I've had enough.

I Am still having not so nice memories poping into my head from time to time but i just try to remember what my psych said - label/ acknowledge them and move them on. This is much easier now I'm feeling better. If I let them linger too long i start to feel physically uneasy.

I can't escape everything completely, and maybe never will, which makes me feel a bit restricted. Hopefully with more time this will change.

I Still haven't had any therapy sessions for over a month which I'm happy with. Just living life at the moment.

Stay well.

Julie

[White_Rose]

Hello Julie

I must have known you were going to write in. I have just logged in and found your post of 25 minutes ago. How's that for ESP?

Yes I had a pleasant weekend, thank you. After I had finished planting I dutifully watered everything in, and the next we had rain, and the next day, and the next day. I'm surprised the poor plants weren't washed away. I checked them this morning and apart from being a little bedraggled they were OK. I must have greener fingers than I thought.

It's so lovely when we are feeling well. These are the times I cherish and look back on to give me hope when I fall down a little. Struggling a little at the moment but I have great support from my wonderful GP. Unfortunately the psych has had the temerity to have time off on the grounds that it is the school holidays and she has children. 😊

Coughs that linger are the pits. Everything is going well and then a coughing fit and and I get exhausted. I do hope it will go away soon. Remember to eat your vegetables.

Memories are so difficult to contain. It sounds as though you getting the hang of sending them away. I think I will have to try your approach. Trouble is my memories are of things that were nice and now have gone.

Will we ever get rid of our particular demons? I suspect not, but that's OK. I expect everyone lives with memories that are painful, and not just because they have any form of mental illness. Unfortunately it's just life. So we can comfort ourselves that we are just like the rest of humanity, we just need a bit of help now and then.

Just living life at the moment is fine. May it last long.

Mary

[Pelayn]

Hello. Its been a while!!

I hope you are well Mary.

I've hit a little rough patch that im not quite sure how to deal with. Thus this post. I'd moved my friendships with my mothers group friends to the side these past few months. I touched base with them yesterday to say i hoped they were well and i was feeling better.

Not sure if it was the right move but nonetheless i did it. I needed to do something for closure i think. I'm struggling with what they might be saying about me when they have no idea what i have been going through.

I think i might finally be grieving the loss of that group of friends.

I'm also at a cross road with my therapy. My new psych is very unreliable and my old one is very expensive. They both have very different approaches and im not sure which is right for me.

The new medication hasn't had the impact i was hoping for. Im getting sucked back into the trap of curling up in a ball and not doing anything.

Julie

[White_Rose]

Hello Julie

Good to hear from you. Not so good to know you are struggling. We all know about the roller coaster of depression but I believe life is a roller coaster ride which we ride constantly. I think in many ways it is more productive to accept that life has it's ups and down and this does make us sad/happy/frustrated/angry/peaceful and any other state we find ourselves in. Depression is part of this up and down, not the sole cause. If we think of it like this I believe we will get less distressed when life sweeps us off our feet, or pulls rug out from under.

Ah the philosophical thoughts are working well this morning. Must be because I got up early.

Have you mentioned your mother's friends before? I'm just wondering if I am losing the plot or if this is a new event. In any case, what do you think was the reason for breaking away from these folk? And what event(s) do you need closure for?

Bit of bad news about the psych. I really cannot remember if this is a psychologist or psychiatrist. If it is the latter you would be eligible for the Medicare safety net which would significantly reduce your out of pocket costs. My psychiatrist has just put up her fees to $245 from $220. Gap amount at the beginning of next year will be $88 per visit which is huge. However I will reach the safety net amount after about seven visits, probably earlier if I see my GP during that time.

If you are seeing a psychologist, will he/she see you via a mental health plan? This would significantly reduce the cost. You can have only one per year for up to ten visits, but in exceptional circumstances I believe you can have more. If you haven't used one this year ask your GP to implement one. Then start again next year. Might not be the whole answer, but will help.

Have you discussed both psychs' approach with your GP? My GP is very much on the ball with this sort of thing and you could bounce your ideas about this with the GP. Plus a discussion about cost. And also factor in the unreliability of the new psych. We do rely on these folk a huge amount and they need to clearly state when they will be available and keep to appointment times. It's part of their professional ethics (or not).

Sad about the AD. Yes I tried some that started off with a bang and then faded away. Can you make a to do list of small tasks and choose one every day? Small things like having a shower, dusting one room, walking round the garden once, making a special cup of tea or coffee or other drink.

Mary

[Pelayn]

Hi.

I used this forum about 12 months ago when my depression was at its worst.

I had started therapy for the first time which effectively opened Pandoras box. I learnt about the lack of emotional connection with my mum growing up and how that affected me into my adult life. I lost my closest friend and by extension a group of friends due to lack of understanding. I took time off work.

I Have a loving husband and 2 kids but i struggle to want to participate in life.I go days without leaving the house and have no desire to.

I have become closer with some of my other friends because i finally opened up to them about my depression and what i had learnt through therapy.

So why am i still in this place? I recently had a hospital stay due to chest infection and didn't want to come home. It was like having a break from life and i didn't want to return.

Even though I don't have much family support i have my husband and friends but that doesn't seem to help.

I'm ready to start pretending im ok with my friends again cos im sick of having to say im not feeling great or talking about the latest encounter with my mum or the latest reminder of the friend who gave up on me.

I Feel like this is my life now. Very little motivation for anything including my kids. Perhaps another increase in ADs?

Can anyone relate??? Love to hear about it.