how to move forward?

[Pelayn]

Hi

Over the last three months i have been doing therapy for the first time for depression. Its been a roller coaster of emotions. My husband has been a great support.

I hit bottom, couldn't go to work and thought id lost my best friend cos of the way I treated her. After her yelling at me down the phone we reconciled.

I've been doing much better the past few days but i still feel like I'm relying on others too much. I get disappointed when friends don't return messages or doesn't initiate contact with me. I am lonely when I'm by myself. I also get jealous when my best friend does things with her other friends. I really really can't go through a repeat of last month.

I want to be happy with my own company and not feel like I'm waiting for people to make contact all the time.

Can anyone share and experiences? ?

[White_Rose]

Dear Pelayn

One of the problems with depression is that roller coaster ride you speak about. And it's frustrating that you believe you are doing well, something hits you from left field and it feels as you have gone back to the start. In reality I suspect you have not gone back to the start. Once you have started to make progress, especially when you can see the progress, a step backwards is just that, ONE step backwards.

The worst part about all this is the way the Black Dog attacks our self confidence, tells us the therapy isn't working, our friends and family are fed up with us. This is your brain trying to stop you changing. It doesn't matter if the change is good for you because the brain is lazy in this respect. It wants to maintain the status quo and if it means you are depressed, well too bad.

We make new pathways in our brains all the time but it does take effort and practice. So if you have a bad day for some reason or get tired your brain will skip to the default path. Once you know this and realise you are in default mode it is easier to change to another pathway. It sounds as easy as changing lanes when you are driving, and essentially that's what you are doing, but it's not easy to do. It requires practice so the new pathway becomes the default path and the old path becomes a grass covered footpath.

Feeling needy is an old path but needs to be kept open and in fact I don't suppose that one will grow over because as humans we do need each other. So that's the first thing to recognise. We need others in our lives but we can also make parallel paths or slightly divergent paths with substitutes for friends, such as activities we enjoy. I don't mean you should get rid of your friends.

Being ashamed of our needs is another old path we need to change. You are unwell and need help, just as in other illnesses. Again the Black Dog is barking its head off to distract us from getting well. It's OK to want to feel connected, we all want that regardless of the state of our mental health. Accept you are like the rest of the human race with the same needs and wants. You may need some things more when you are unwell but again that's no different to needing more rest if you have the 'flu.

My GP and me worked on different strategies for what you are experiencing now. You must work them out in advance so you go straight to them. I sit outside with a cuppa and let the peace of my garden sink in. Need to start another post.

Mary

[White_Rose]

My strategies.

1. Sit outside and watch/admire my garden. Not a spectacular garden but I made it and I like to remind myself that I do have some skills.
2. Meditate. I can also do this outside once general peace of the garden has settled me.
3. Phone a friend. No guarantee someone will be available so I tell myself I can talk later.
4. I like craft work, especially it needs a lot of attention. This stops me focusing on my misery. So I work on my scrapbooking which requires concentration. I embroider but this allows me to think too much so I either put on a music CD and sing along with it, or listen to a talking book. These are available at your local library.
5. One of the things I found I could not do was to read. Two pages and I was exhausted. Listening is a different experience. Try it some time. TV was also something I found difficult. Too many triggers. Now I do watch some TV. I knit at the same time and it's a good combination. I knit beanies which I can just about do in my sleep.
6. My GP is always urging me to go for a walk, but to me this is a four letter word. I do attend an exercise class. For those who like walking it's a good distraction and especially good for people with depression as your brain releases endorphins and help you feel better.
7. Projects are good. I don't mean completely redecorating your home, just something small. Planning for this not only distracts you but gives something to look forward to and jogs you into a new path.
8. Make sure you have some regular activities to look forward to. I belong to a book club although there was a time I could not read the chosen book. I went for the company and my friends accepted this and cared for me in this way. Other good activities such as joining an exercise class of some sort such as Pilates.
9. I made dresses for my grandchildren. This was at the suggestion of my psychologist and it seemed important to be able to say I had at least started work.

OK, that's all for now. I hope it helps. Please write in again.

Mary​

[Pelayn]

Hi Mary. Thank you so much. I love the way you explained everything and it all makes sense to me.

I have an emotional depravation schema from when i was little so I react in certain ways regarding attention or lack of it. I'm working through this with my therapist but still early days.

I love being able to share my feelings here knowing i won't hurt or upset anyone.

I Can relate to your strategies and will definitely try them. I too love my garden because i have put so much into it and sitting in it gives me joy. More so in spring/summer ☺. My therapist has recommended doing something i enjoy every day to help with the depression. I love music so i sing or play guitar or piano to feel happy. Some days it doesn't work but someone said it can take time to find the joy in things again.

I Will revisit your post when i am feeling lonely next time so thank you.

I feel like i don't know any more how to find the balance between being independent and wanting attention, even from my husband. I feel like i need to put the walls up when i know he working late or going to the Footy so i don't get disappointed and hurt.

I Just keep telling myself It's not forever and I'm doing everything i can.

Thanks

Julie

[White_Rose]

Hello Julie

I feel like i don't know any more how to find the balance between being independent and wanting attention. Stop talking about me. (Smile) I have struggled with this for years and I am only now finding out what is and is not reasonable. If you need a hug from your husband when he comes home from the footy, ask for one. If you want to talk, tell him and if he is not up to it for some reason he can tell you, nicely. You do need to discuss this option first. It's good to set boundaries between the two of you and settle how you can tell each other when you want 'attention' and how the other can give only a little, without great distress for you.

This may help you decide what you can ask for from others. We are not thought readers so making a decision about whether or not your husband will feel like helping you will be based partly on your need and partly on the shame you feel at 'badgering' him. I gather he is a good husband so working this out together will help you and also bring you closer.

I did some schema therapy with a psychologist for a few weeks under a mental health plan. At the time I was in a dreadful place so I didn't get as much benefit as I could. No matter, it helped. I found there were several schemas which applied to me. Emotional inhibition which I understand to mean I held on to my emotions too much, and the other was abandonment, although this was only just over the norm. I have to say when I first saw the results of the test I was shocked. I thought everything applied to me until the psych explained it. Phew!

Please keep in touch.

Mary

[Pelayn]

Hi.

Yes i too was shocked when i saw the results of my schema test. My secondary schema is setting the bar very high for myself. Can't remember the name.

My husband is great and very patient but unfortunately very busy with work and i don't like to ask for any help. bad combo. We have started to do as you suggest but still its hard.

My best friend and i had a very honest conversation (after she yelled at me) and set some boundaries for our friendship. I will stop telling her when she has triggered my schema as i now have more support avenues to choose from rather than talking to her about it. Not many know about my depression. She will tell me if im relying on her too much. We will no longer express our feelings via message instead we will call each other. I don't know if it's the solution but its something.

I Have a therapy session this week so will have a lot to discuss. I'm on monthly sessions now as its all i can afford. My mental health plan has almost run out.

PS. I also have a 5 and 6 year old to keep up with. My husband and i had a talk with them recently about why mummy is sad sometimes and can't play.

Thanks for your support.

Julie

[OhmeOhmy]

Hi Julie,

Thanks for posting, I can relate to your post. I ready through White Rose's replies and I too got a lot out of it. Mary you have such a wonderful way with words, you explain things in a way that really helps. Thank you I too will try some of your suggestions.

I wish you both a lovely Sunday xo

[Doolhof]

Hi Ladies,

I have been reading this post with much interest. Instead of me looking up on Google, can you explain to me what "Schemas" are? I have not heard of this concept before.

Julie, there are lots of wonderful "happy and very friendly" threads here on this forum. Look up "Community Board" and see what comes up. There are games to play with others, a virtual BB Café where people "chat" about all kinds of things.

Some days when I am not feeling too cheerful, I go to this section of the forum and have a go at some of the games and light hearted threads. It helps me to feel better about myself and the world.

Suffering from Depression and Borderline Personality Disorder , I quite often misinterpret what people mean when they are communicating with me, worry about why they have not called back and why do some people receive more response from others than I do.

I need to keep reminding myself that it is okay if people do not behave or act as I wish they would.

Communication is very important in any relationship.

Mary has certainly provided lots of wonderful ideas and thoughts here. I have taken quite a few of them onboard myself.

Regarding your children and not always being able to play with them, when you are having a few good moments, could you organise some craft or games the children can play where ever you are on a not so good day.

You and the children could create boxes of stuff to do in certain rooms of the house. If you are in bed for example, the children could have puzzles, colouring in, toys or what ever would be suitable in for that occasion.

If you are lying on the couch, they could play shops with different stuff, make a cubby house out of a sheet and two chairs, they could use you as a counter for their shop.

When in the kitchen, they could have their own bits and pieces and pretend they are cooking. Strong cardboard boxes would make great stoves and fridges.

The children would still feel a part of your life, their imaginations are amazing, they will soon occupy themselves.

Enough rambling. All the best top you,

From Mrs. Dools

[Pelayn]

Hi Mrs Dool.

Thanks for your great advice. I want to try everything i can to get through this. My kids love drawing and making books so are very good at keeping occupied and are good company for each other.

As for schemas I'll try my best. Schemas are your 'core beliefs' that are developed in the very early stages of your life, even before you can speak. They exist in the emotional part of your brain so aren't as easy to modify or change as thoughts. Schema therapy i think delves into experiences from your past and helps you to reprogram emotional reactions.

I Have emotional depravation schema as i didn't get the nurturing and emotional support a child should get. My therapist said i react to things in my adult life as though im a child. So my schema makes me think people don't actually care about me. Its triggered when friends spend time with other people which makes me really upset and leads to bouts of depression.

I'm still in the early stages of my therapy so still learning. I have read a lot about schemas to understand more about them. There are about 18 different schemas. i hope this makes sense.

Thank you also for the tips on using BB forums.

Have a great week.

Julie​

[White_Rose]

Hello Julie

Great explanation of schemas. I was going to answer Mrs Dools but my mind went blank. Most disconcerting.

I always wanted to play the piano so when I left my husband I bought a piano and started lessons. Unfortunately I became severely depressed and couldn't concentrate on learning. I think if I could play I would have found it a tremendous relief. My sons learned to play guitar and they are both quite good. My eldest son played with a group in pubs at one time, in between lectures.

Great ideas from Mrs Dools for children's activities. It was a constant joke in my family that the children got more enjoyment from the box the gift arrived in than the gift itself.

I see you have a visit to your psych shortly. I do hope you get lots of refreshment and help at this meeting. I expect you want to stay with this psych, but have you considered going to another organisation that provides free or cheap consultations? Relationships Australia are very good and Anglicare. If you have time perhaps you can raise this with your psych. Still see your usual psych but have the other one as a backup to see once or twice in the month when you cannot see the usual psych. Just a thought.

Can you let us know how the session went? Not anything personal but we are interested to know how much help you receive.

Mary