How do I start liking myself and stop driving my wonderful partner away?

Mel71 · ‎05-02-2015

I am a 43 year old mum of two great teenage boys. I have been in a relationship for a year with a wonderful man who has been so patient with me, yet I have been a mess most of our time together. I am usually depressed, accusing him of things that are unwarranted, no fun to be with, and find it very hard (almost impossible) to accept he loves me and for me to love him without putting up barriers and walls. I know my issues aren't unique, but I have loathed myself pretty much my entire life. I am deaf. I have never felt worthy. My mother has never once in my life told me she loves me. She treats me badly and as a girl, she never bought me nice clothes so I was always the poorest dressed of my friends. I never felt I belonged anywhere, always feeling like a square peg in a round hole. I need to get better, like myself so I can stop sabotaging my relationship, and accept that he does love me.

Doolhof · ‎06-02-2015

Hi Mel71

You have taken the first step into becoming a different person! You have shared your story here, you have acknowledged that you need to change and want to change. So just in those actions alone you have proved that you want to make a difference!

Well done to you! Just acknowledging an issue is enough to be bale to start to act on it!

I too doubt myself a great deal of the time and realise I need to boost my own self confidence. Sometimes I write out all the good things I like about myself and the world around me, that helps me.

Each day try to say something nice about yourself, how nice your hair looks, that you have a wonderful smile, or maybe put on a new dress and see how good you look in it. Talk to your guy and tell him how much you love and appreciate him.

Maybe you could look up "Self-confidence" on the computer and read of ways that you can boost yours.

Sometimes I buy myself flowers and display them on the kitchen table. They look lovely and makes me feel good about myself, like I deserve to have them and I appreciate them and myself.

When you think a negative thought about yourself, try to change it into something positive. Next time you are with your guy, dress up in something you feel comfortable in, tell yourself you look great and enjoy the moment.

I hope some of this helps! Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

Neil_1 · ‎06-02-2015

Dear Mel

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you so much for coming here and providing your post.

I am going to come out ‘batting’ for you from the outset here and to tell you that you’re awesome – and you know why? Because subconsciously, you did that about yourself in your post without realising it. Saying that you’re the mum of two great teenage boys. Ok, stop right there. First up, I’ve got two children as well; a 16yo son and a 14yo daughter, and I love them to bits and they mean the world to me.

Your teenage boys are great. You know why? Because you, Mel, their mum, raised them, cared for them, loved them, taught them, nurtured them and obviously still do and will continue as well (boy I take a long time to get to a point, sorry about that) BECAUSE you ARE an awesome Mum; an awesome person. You’ve provided for them, taught them right from wrong and still will – it takes a hell of a lot to be a mum and even more to be a successful mum, so please Mel – take a breath and think of all this and KNOW that you are special and that you are awesome.

You’ve also said that you are deaf and that you’ve never felt worthy. Mel, again, take a look back at your raising of your children and that you had to do that under difficult circumstances. I mean, I don’t know you, but my thoughts on this are that you are VERY worthy.

I hope I don’t run out of characters here, cause I have a few other things to say as well.

Just touching on the feeling of not being worthy. And your mother, never telling you she loved you, treated you badly as a girl and had the feeling that you never belonged. I can now understand this feeling of not being worthy – because it’s kind of a human instinct; if we’re told something and made to feel something (mostly bad) over and over again, it eventually does seep in. So I believe that all through your childhood you’ve had these negatives given out to you and it’s a bit like brain-washing, so that it got so deep inside you, that you now feel and believe it too. But Mel, it’s not right and it’s not the way it is. You’ve proven that.

I haven’t even touched into your relationship yet but there is a flame burning there AND strongly.

I’ll send this now, and really hope to hear back from you.

Neil

zailleh · ‎06-02-2015

Hi Mel,

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Not liking yourself is definitely one of the hardest parts of depression when it comes to relationships because it's impact is so widespread. I experience this myself and I've personally felt the impact it has on my relationship with my partner. I'm going to put some of my thoughts on the subject below in the hope that maybe you can take something from it.

Some things that I know I do that stem from this feeling:

- shy away from physical attention
- recoil from unexpected sexual advances
- dismiss compliments and praise as luck or fluke or as a misunderstanding
- overreact to critism, real or percieved
- perceive failure as a confirmation of my self-hate
- retreat from social contact
- have a genuine confusion as to why my partner would love me
- i don't understand how anyone would want to be friends with me
- mistreat myself in terms of health; eat poorly, skip exercise etc because I don't care about myself

I've listed these things in the hope that you can relate to it. Now I want to tell you that there is no reason for any of the above; it all stems from the self loathing that comes with depression. Unfortunately, I have no magical answers for you, except that you try to reject those thoughts about yourself.

Start small, maybe just by accepting any compliments you get instead of rejecting them, for example. Maybe write them down in a diary; write down when you got the complement and what prompted it. Rebuff any negative thoughts about the compliment.

Gradually challenge those false perceptions of yourself.
You are worthy.
People do love you.
You do belong.

If you can gradually start to change these things, things should start to get better.

Looking forward to hearing back from you. Let me know if you find anything useful and if you feel like it, what you don't find useful.

~Zailleh