How do I fake being happy?

[Jaybird27]

I'm not sure if this is the right place to put this, but here goes.

 I'm not a naturally happy person, I'm not bouncy and I don't get excited about many things but a lot of people around me do. There's recently been a birth in the family and everyone is giddy and cooing and while I am happy for the parents and the new sprog, I'm not as happy as everyone else. I do love them but I don't feel the urge to be around them 24/7 and tell everyone I see about the new baby.

This makes things very difficult because while everyone is running around happy as Larry, they see me and think I'm angry or depressed because I'm not acting like them. This does make me depressed because then they start trying to suppress their own emotions for fear of offending me or they start getting angry at me because they feel like they're bothering me, so I try and reach their level of enthusiasm but its exhausting and things can quickly become a fight because I can't keep up. I try to limit how often I'm around people but that just makes me feel lonely and I miss a great deal of what goes on in my family. I hope this all makes sense.

Basically, I don't know what to do, It's a constant cycle and I need to break it somehow. SO how do I fake being bubbly and enthusiastic like everyone else around me?

[Jacko777]

Hi Jaybird27,

I find that I can't smile and be upset at the same time. Perhaps you could adopt a mild grin? I don't think you should put on an act but I hope you don't lose these precious moments. Forget about everyone else! Let them be responsible for themselves as you are for your self. 

You can break this cycle tomorrow by NOT partaking. In your mind refuse to go down the path of thinking about what anyone else is doing or thinking. Respond to events from your heart. When you see your self heading down the path of reacting to others, practice switching to a path where you respond to life with love and calmness. It takes practice but you will feel better. You can do this.

[white knight]

Hi Jaybird, welcome to Beyond Blue forum

Dont under any circumstances, sell your self out.!!!

It is their problem. You have to be yourself. It is the same situation as mainly women fond themselves when they meet middle or old age and soemone asks how many children they have. When they say nil, the questioner's jaw drops. How could you not have any children, why arent you normal? you can almost read their minds like that.

It infuriates me. My wife of 4 years hasnt had children. She married a man that had a severe illness and his medication wouldnt permit fathering a child. So after 20 years they split. She gets these questions all the time. Luckily for her my daughter 25yo is her quasi mother. Calls her mum etc. But you see my point.

My daughter has a nice partner. He is into computer games- his profession and clever enough to get a doc-trite. But he isnt the type to go with me to collect forewood or work under the bonnet of a car. Too bad for me i say. Let him be himself. Let him be who he is.

Let others dote over a baby, or talk children conversations. If it isnt you then dont do it.

[White_Rose]

Hello Jaybird

Glad you stopped by. I have to agree with the thrust of the two previous writers. You cannot be other than yourself to please other people. You have discovered how exhausting it is already so you so don't need reminding (which I just did).  As Jacko said, a smile on your face is enough when the situation warrants it. My son-in-law rarely smiles, rarely gets enthusiastic about babies, but I have seen him with his children and with my other grandchildren and I know what a good man he is.

So long as you are not being rude it's OK to be yourself.  Your family and friends need to see the real person and be happy with who you are. You need to be that person and be comfortable with it. And that's the hard part, being ourselves when we want to please others.

So what's the answer? Try for some middle ground. A smile, a compliment or kind remark is all you need. Jumping around with great abandon is not required. Also, look around these family gatherings and see if everyone else is over the moon. I suspect there are others who are more quiet in their approach to life. See how they manage. You can learn a lot by observing the behaviour of others.

Try some the ideas from here and let us know how you get on.

Mary

[Jaybird27]

Hi Jacko,

Thank You. I'll certainly try to grin at least. For many years I did try to cater to others but I always fell short, trying to do things I wasn't  actually capable of doing, It certainly had an impact on how I learned to handle things.

I have to get my head around the fact that it's okay to not match everyone else. That's going to be the hardest part of it, I think. But again, thank you. I'll try switching paths when my thinking gets to dark.

[Jaybird27]

Hi White Knight,

Thank you very much, That is one factor that plays into it. I'm not very maternal, I don't see myself having kids. Maybe later but at the moment, that's not the case.

I'm glad your daughter and your wife have a good relationship. Again, thanks, it's nice to know that you can still get along with your daughter's partner, even though you do different things.

[Jacko777]

Good on you Jaybird27, you have clarity about your self.

Baby doesn't want to meet a bunch of clones, baby wants to know the real you, not the you that is reacting to everyone else. Good luck with the grin, all the best.

[Jaybird27]

Hi Mary,

 Thank you for replying. I absolutely can not stand being rude, I try my hardest to at least be polite, unfortunately one thing that I inherited from my fathers side of the family is that we can all be quite blunt and abrupt in our speech, which does occasionally come across as rude, I try to curb it but when I do get tired it becomes more obvious. It certainly doesn't help in either case.

Sometimes, when I do get together with my family I feel like I'm worlds apart from the rest of them, but that's most likely because I'm looking at all the people who are over the moon and not looking at the others that are more like me. I'll try seeing if their are others like me next time. Thank you.