How do I deal with guilt?

[codycolvin1725]

I wasn't sure how to title this but it's not wrong, hopefully this is the right place for this. For a few months now (roughly like 3-4 months, maybe longer) I have been dealing with a lot of guilt, self hatred and anxiety/depression. A couple months back my girlfriend and I broke up, and I feel terribly guilty about everything. Our relationship was very rocky, and while I loved her a lot, there were a lot of times where I wasn't a very good boyfriend, and often made her feel terrible. She had asked me to get help earlier, and I wish I had listened earlier, but I was too stubborn and I wanted to fix my problems myself. Eventually, she decided to leave after a lot of thinking, and she told me that she couldn't move past the things that had happened in our relationship, and while I respect that decision and I wish her all the best, I can't help but miss her dearly, and wish that things turned out differently. I know this was my doing, and now I just feel so awful about everything. Ever since having more free-time and doing not much, I've had a lot of time to think and reflect and I feel that no matter how much I change, I'll never be forgiven for the things I have done and I'm afraid of that. I loved her a lot, and now that she's gone I just can't help but reflect on everything I put her through, and what I wasn't capable of providing to her. It's been eating away at me for the past while, and It's been getting me down a lot, no matter how much I distract myself. So my question is; How do I deal with this guilt? How can I move past my mistakes and become a better person? I plan to see someone in the coming months so I can improve myself mentally, but I just want some advice on how I can deal with this feeling better.

[white knight]

Hi,welcome 

Guilt is a serious problem as yhere is few things you can do to eliminate it. It also has a purpose of correcting us, in your case for example, not repeating past errors.

Unfortunately the "horse has bolted" and the damage is done, little point in worrying over spilt milk, it's spilt, it's done.

Time is your friend, also dating will help jump the guilt hurdle. Some meditation can help. Apologies even if rejected can sooth.

You're already using distraction,  here is more on that-

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/depression-distraction-and-variety/td-p/275790

Others might have more ideas.

TonyWK 

[therising]

Hi codycolvin1725

Guilt can definitely feel so incredibly brutal at times. I think what led me to redefine it stemmed from me feeling it as such a destructive and depressing emotion. I felt pushed to reform it into being a constructive emotion. Not sure if the following will help but I'll throw it out there in the hope that it does.

With the idea that all emotions are telling, what does guilt tell me?

• It tells me I've been asleep in some way and now I'm fully conscious of the hurtful nature of my past behaviour/s. Greater consciousness is not always a painless joyful experience, that's for sure
• It tells me I'm developing the ability to feel more deeply for others. I'm evolving into becoming a greater feeler
• It tells me to choose consciously. I like to see guilt as a signpost at a fork in the road. The choice is between 'The path of continued behaviour' or 'The path of a change in behaviour'. A sudden pang of guilt (that feeling) is like an alarm going off. The alarm is announcing 'It's time to choose who you're going to be'
• It tells me who I am not. In other words, if I cause deep upset to others, guilt tells me 'You are not someone who enjoys causing pain'

Memories of wrongdoing can be massive trigger and challenge. If you can't delete the memories, how do you manage the guilt? I reformed how I see myself. If you imagine the current you as your real self and all past versions of yourself as being like a vapor trail of past selves (at different stages of life), It becomes about better understanding those ghosts of the past. I carried a lot of guilt from wrongdoings during my years of alcohol dependency. I was a gal who drank my way through long term depression and caused pain to others in the process. I came to understand that self serving ghost better, why she did the things she did and I even developed compassion for her. I never excused the things I'd done, I just gained a greater understanding of what led me to do such things. It was guilt that also asked me 'Do you want to take responsibility for the pain you've caused or not?'. I chose the path that led me to express my heartfelt remorse to those who'd I'd led to feel such pain.

I've found guilt to be a part of my compass in life. I rely on it to direct me. I could not have come this far without it.

[yggdrasil]

Hi codycolvin1725,

Thanks for posting on here! I'm sorry that you're suffering from guilt. Guilt can be helpful in the short term to draw your attention to things you might do better, but when it's constantly resurfacing over the same issue for a long period of time, it can be destructive and unhelpful, both to you and to others.

It's well established that human beings have a "negativity" bias. Our brains often drift toward and exaggerate the negatives disproportionately to the positives. This was likely useful for our early survival when facing frequent life or death situations, but can be excessive when dealing with the more persistant, lower stakes day to day stressors of modern life. I think our tendency to get obsessed with things we've done wrong, disproportionately to the things we've done right, is a manifestation of this negativity bias. 

There are lots of strategies for addressing persistant negative thoughts and feelings. There are many phychological theories and associated therapies, like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Shema Therapy, and Acceptance and Committment Therapy (ACT). All of these aim to deal with excessively painful negative throughts and feelings. Schema Therapy was the one that worked best for me. Do you ever speak to a psychologist? If you talk to your GP you'll likely be able to access free sessions with a psychologist who can introduce you to the above therapy ideas.

I think guilt is such a powerful emotion it appears in many religious traditions, where "repentance" and "redemption" can be core ideas. I found exploring these traditions helpful in processing persistant negative feelings. Lots of these traditions are about instilling regular habits of mindfulness, awe, gratitude, love, seeking forgiveness for any mistakes, and receiving a sense of deep forgiveness and love.

Finding ways to switch off the ruminating part of your brain can also be a good strategy. For me I got back into skateboarding - this is like meditation but the slight risk factor forces your brain to focus even more. There are lots of other similar sports that can really help switch off the rumination, e.g. martial arts and that acrobatic stuff people do in the park.

I hope these suggestions are helpful, and best of luck for the coming week!

[codycolvin1725]

So I should find the things that drove me to hurting her, and work on those so that they don't become a problem again? I think a lot of the time it was my anger issues that hurt the most for both of us, it was a long distance relationship but at times I would let my anger get to me and I would harm myself, and it scared her and myself. Pride sometimes got in the way, when I was asked to get help, I didn't thinking I could fix this myself. There's a lot of other problems I had, and I want to be able to grow upon those problems, learn how to properly handle them because I don't want to be that version of myself. Thank you very much for replying, I was worried about what responses I would get but this puts me at ease. I will talk to my parents about seeing a therapist and working on myself, and I will try to learn how to take more responsibility over my life, and how I treat people around me. Thank you once again, same to everyone else who replied, I was feeling awful at the time and while I still don't feel too great, I at least have some kind of idea on how to handle my guilt more.

[therising]

Hi codycolvin1725

So glad to hear you're seeing the road ahead as one that involves change and possibility. I found the thing about emotions is you gotta practice seeing them from a different perspective. It's not enough just to work with the theory, it's the practice that makes the difference. For example, you can work with the theory of guilt being a sign of greater consciousness but until you begin to say to yourself (every time you feel guilt) 'This is a sign I'm becoming more conscious' you won't believe in it as a sign. Practicing feeling guilt in a different way is what leads to guilt eventually feeling different.

In managing mental health, I think it pays to redefine words and, in turn, the emotion that comes with them. 'Disappointment', for example can carry a lot of pain. I came to see disappointment as more of a process than a thing. If I appoint someone to a role I deeply wish they'd fill and they keep dis-appointing themself from that role, I have to ask myself whether they were ever going to fill that role in the first place. If someone appoints me to a certain role, I have a responsibility to tell them in the first place I won't accept that role, if that's the case. This way, there's only one case of dis-appointment and they're not repeatedly feeling let down. We're not always conscious of the appointments or roles we give each other or are expected to fill.

Should add, there are some words I have completely scrapped from my vocab. I won't use them because they're just plain toxic and can lead to depression. 'Shame' is one of those words. While I've found guilt can be a constructive emotion, shame is just designed to grade and degrade us. Shame is just a downright horrible emotion to be led to feel.

I wish you only the best on your journey of greater self understanding and transformation. I imagine, in time, you will come to hear yourself say 'I can't believe I've come this far'.

[Anzacspirit]

I am a fellow struggler of guilt now for 3 and a half years. Over time it will get better but I have found not much else other than time that has helped. I was told that I need to forgive myself for the things I feel guilty about, unfortunately I can’t. Maybe that’s why I still struggle. You need to take ownership of the things  that you are guilty of, make change and improve. I’m definitely in a much better place than I was a few years ago. Unfortunately there are many triggers that can send your mind back to dark places. Try and keep busy so your mind isn’t constantly focused on the guilt. It’s not going to be easy but you will get through it. We all make mistakes some just pay for them a lot longer than others. All the best