How do I connect with my boys when depressed?

[Joey218]

Hi, I’m a 44 year old single Mum of 4 amazing sons, 19,17,15 and 12.

To most people I look like I’m an organised loving mum and nurse but I know that isn’t really the case.

i have struggled with depression for years and can hide it well. When I work, I am this amazing person who runs a unit effortlessly and is well respected and loved by her colleagues. Then I go home .... and all I want to do is go to bed and sleep or watch Netflix.

The boys spend far too much time on the Xbox or watching tv as I just don’t have the energy to do anything. I look after their needs..... feed them, wash for them, keep up a happy appearance most of the time, but I never do anything with them. Just do what I have to then retreat back to bed.

I hate being like this but I don’t know how to claw my way out of it.

Can anyone help?

[Croix]

Dear Joey218~

Welcome to the Forum. While I can understand you feel disappointed in yourself and wish you could do more I have to wonder why. Being a single mother of 4 boys plus running a unit plus a home is realy right at the limits of what any one person can do. It is no wonder you want to collapse at the end of the day.

Feeding, washing and presenting a cheerful face is more than doing the essentials. I would think as a sole parent there would be a strong temptation to make your children's lives as good as possible as a result. Doing this long term at your own expense is simply not practical. You have limits.

May I ask what your sons are doing to contribute to the household and also to looking after each other? They all, at their present ages, are capable of doing an awful lot, from cooking to seeing to each others needs. If they do so already then perhaps they need to be encouraged to do more - and to look after you.

While I'm not unrealistic enough to expect all kids to fully cooperate I'd imagine at least one could be persuaded to take an active role, after which the others may well follow.

What do you think?

Croix

[geoff]

Hello Joey218, can I also welcome you.

Joey you are amazing with all the work you do, and even though you are struggling with depression, you still need to be congratulated, however there is a limit in what you are able to do, because to hide your illness isn't that easy, it becomes exhausting to pretend to everybody that you're well, especially when you are faced with problems at work and at home.

I think first of all that your kids should be helping you, this will provide them with experience once they leave home, otherwise they won't know what to do when they are faced in all sorts of different situations when by themselves.

We decide to have children and part of us knows that we have to educate them to be able to make a decision by themselves when they leave home and once they have a partner.

Being a nurse requires many different jobs you have to do, different patients to attend to and coping with their needs, it's not an easy job, but you need to look after yourself.

Delegate your sons to have chores, ease your burden but please can you go and see your doctor and let them help you instead.

My best wishes.

Geoff.

[Dalla]

Hi Joey 2018, I've only just joined today for nearly exactly same circumstances tho my lads are younger. I'm so dam tired when I'm not pretending to be bright & happy. Keep it together! You sound like you try so hard & are looking for the energy switch I'm sure is on the off position in me too... Good luck. glad to hear it's not just me. Helps..