Here We Go Again

Cucuboth · ‎02-01-2017

So, here we go again. In to yet another year. Another year that starts like the last one ended. And the one before that. And before that. And continue that another 25+ times. Had another Christmas alone. And another New Year's Eve. My therapist said to try and get my family involved in some form of physical contact ... a hug for instance. But no. They don't want to. So that's that door shut. Again. And they are the only people in my life. I've been writing to another online forum as well as this one, but, it's not doing much good. A lot of same old cliched 'advice' that I have tried to death already. A few that say "message me if you want to talk", so I do, and never hear from them again. Not that any are in Australia anyway. The feeling of isolation is just .... it's like I am being choked. Slowly. I called Lifeline yet again, and yet again got the same disinterest. Yay Lifeline ... way to make someone feel even more worthless. It's going to be another year of the same thing. There's no more hope to hold on to. Just like there's nobody who will hold me. Maybe there is some kind of symmetry in that, I don't know. I can't do this on my own, and yet there is nobody who wants to help. There's only so many times you can 'put yourself out there' again. And again. And again. Only so many hobbies you can have. Only so many times you can ignore it, focus on something else and hope that it will happen 'someday when you least expect it'. Because it never does. I'm just expected to shut up and be happy alone. To be happy, lonely. And I just can't do that.

Doolhof · ‎05-01-2017

Hi Cucuboth,

The way you reacted to seeing the couple is how I used to react when I saw women with babies. In a different way I understand the pain and the longing for something you can't have.

Over the years I have been blessed though by being able to cuddle and hold other people's babies.

A friend of mine attends a GROW Group. I tried a couple and they weren't for me. One thing they do is to offer each other a hug if you want one. I'm not sure if you have heard of this group or considered attending a meeting to see what they are about. It is alike a support/counselling group.

Sorry to read about the bullying you received in Aged Care. That is quite tough when yo are there to volunteer your time to others! Bullying is not acceptable at any time.

Regarding the massage, don't think of it as having to pay someone to touch you, think of it as a gift to yourself. I occasionally buy myself flowers. I think of a massage as a bit of pleasure and a gift to myself as well. It does my body and my soul some good.

Wish I had some more ideas for you!

Cheers for now from Dools

White_Rose · ‎05-01-2017

Hello Cucuboth

It's good you are continuing to talk here and I hope even the limited contact is helping you. You wrote All people who, at the end of it, are being paid to talk with me. I suppose I just want the chance to experience it with someone who has chosen to, maybe because they actually care. I remember when I first had counselling that I felt the same way. I liked the counsellor and the counselling, but I could not rid myself of the feeling of shame both that I had to pay someone to talk to me and that I needed that help. The second point is something that many people with a mental health problem grapple with.

I volunteer in an organisation that exists to support people with mental health difficulties, specifically those who have difficulty integrating into their communities. As far as I know this is a unique program and was recognised recently for the great work they do. I actually volunteer in their reading and writing program, helping adults with limited or no reading skills integrate into the community through various forms of communication.

This is an Anglicare initiative in Brisbane. I have no idea where you live, so this may not be helpful. The workers are paid but their role is help find networks and establish the person into those networks, not to be the person's friend. It is difficult to point you in any direction because you have been so proactive in looking for yourself, and our options are running out. If you are not in Brisbane then have a chat to your local Anglicare people. I am not suggesting counselling as you already have a therapist, but there may be something similar to Brisbane's program. Just a thought.

Dools has suggested GROW. I know little about this organisation so cannot comment, but there are other mutual help organisations. Some exist only in one place while others are part of a network. I put self help groups into my search engine and found lots of groups. Not all will be relevant of course. The Black Dog Institute have some good stuff. The nature of these groups means you will not be excluded and instead will be welcomed. Give it a try. Let us know how it goes.

Mary

Ellu · ‎05-01-2017

Dear Cucuboth,

My heart aches for your sadness and desperation. I wish there were something I could do to help, some suggestion I could make to help. Cucuboth, let go of that vise which is tightening around your heart for a minute.Remember that whatever you feel at the moment you are a valuable, worthwhile human being with unique skills. You are who you are, and you are the only you there is which makes you special. Maybe you could access just a little bit of the positive feelings about yourself and affirm your self worth.

This is going to sound corny, but try to focus for a while on one thing which gives you pleasure - it might be a flower, it might be a cup of tea. I know you probably couldn't be bothered, but do it for yourself and see if it makes you feel less alone for a minute. It is a hard fight you are going through at the moment -but don't forget you have all of us on the forum to support you.

Ellu

Starwolf · ‎05-01-2017

There are different ways of looking at the same thing. Many professionals choose a particular line of work because it means something more to them than just money. Many who are into social or therapy work are there because making a difference is important to them. It is true some specialists are well paid but many in care work would earn more in a different job (cleaners in hospitals earn more than nurses for example).

I agree with Mrs Dools, indulging gifts to yourself is a good idea. As you well know, other sources can prove unreliable ! But it doesn't mean you are undeserving.

But I understand that a 1 on 1 connection would be more satisfying to you.

Being half-pint size, I get that it can be an open invitation to bullies. I certainly experienced a lot of that before I gained enough self-respect and confidence to stand up for myself. It hasn't been an easy road, particularly coming from a childhood of abuse and being naturally hyper-sensitive on top of it. Past experiences of being constantly belittled and considered the fly in someone's ointment lead us to believe we are to blame for everything, worthless. Poor self-image later had me gravitate towards the wrong partners because they seemed to offer what I craved...the feeling of being special to someone, cared for and appreciated. They were of course narcissistic types, more bullies. Until I realized I was repeating the only pattern I knew and that neediness aggravated the problem.

A painful past makes us fearful of an emotionally distressful future. This fear can be sensed by potential predators and bullies from miles away !

The sum of your past experiences and responses is something only you can express. You are unique, irreplaceable and have a particular contribution to offer in a way no one else could. From this participation, self-regard and self-awareness can grow. And if you encounter misbehaviour or abuse along the way, reporting/denouncing it will go a long way towards earning respect, particularly if done with the calm assurance that being treated with respect is your birthright. Small steps acquire a momentum that grows on you.

Have you thought of contacting a local Neighbourhood or Community Center to find out what is available in your area ? These places are usually a mine of info re local groups, meetings, outings etc...

I can't give you a real hug but my thoughts are with you.

Guest_1055 · ‎06-01-2017

Hi again,

I totally understand the" fed" up feeling. My circumstances are different to yours, but I still know that feeling just the same. Anyway I just wanted to say hello to you. And to see how you are getting along. Also you mentioned you have plenty of hobbies. What sort do you have? I am just interested to know is all.

Shelley

Cucuboth · ‎07-01-2017

Hi Shelley,

Well, I read a lot. Sci-Fi/Fantasy in fiction, and history in non-fiction. I would almost say that going to book stores is also a hobby. I also like comics, mostly DC. I do art, painting mostly with acrylics or watercolours, although I have used oils. Also like using pastels. Had one pastel picture in an exhibition last year, and it sold. Also like just drawing in general. Like with book stores, going to art supply shops could also almost be called a hobby too. I also like doing photography. Mostly landscapes and wildlife. Also like doing genealogy, tracing my family history. Video games and board/card games, although the latter obviously requires someone to play with. I like astronomy and space stuff, and really want a good telescope one day.

Cucuboth · ‎07-01-2017

Hi Dools and Mary,

I'll reply to both your posts in one, if that's OK.

I have tried a couple of local GROW groups, but found both to be very religious. Not being religious myself, they just weren't places for me. The two I've been to, I was definitely never even offered a hug though.

Although not religious, the first serious counselling I was sent to (in 1999) after my breakdown was with Anglicare (they never once mentioned religion while I was there, unlike GROW). I found though that, like most forms of therapy, they didn't seem to really understand loneliness, seeming to assume that I had friends that I just didn't spend any time with. Apart from that, they probably started with what is now the same old 'advice', like to just put myself 'out there', and do volunteering, and study, ect ect ect. Stuff I have now done repeatedly, with no success.

I've also attended various groups over the years through the local Neighbourhood Center. But yeah, same results as always.

One of the reasons I feel so frustrated is that it seems like I have pretty much tried any (or all) advice anyone comes up with. Often tried multiple times. And it doesn't work for me. And I guess sometimes I can see why people get frustrated, annoyed, even angry at me. Which is why sometimes it becomes difficult to ask for help. So, I hope nobody thinks I am shooting down their ideas or suggestions just for the same of shooting them down or to be difficult. It's just that I have already tried them.

White_Rose · ‎07-01-2017

Hello Cucuboth

No one is upset by you telling us you have already tried the suggestions that have been offered. Simply sad it appears we have nothing to offer except friendship and caring, which is unfortunately limited by the nature of this site.

You said And I guess sometimes I can see why people get frustrated, annoyed, even angry at me. Which is why sometimes it becomes difficult to ask for help. We are definitely not frustrated or angry at you, just feel helpless. I am wondering if this insight is worth exploring with your therapist. Have you been with him/her for long? You have very open with us here and I presume you are equally as open with your therapist. I think the question to ask is why you behave in the manner you do, not what activities or groups you can be part of to feel wanted.

You have identified you can see why others become frustrated, so rather than carry on with the search to find acceptance, perhaps you need to identify what it is about you that you feel makes others ignore you. It is my turn to ask you not to take this comment amiss. If, as you say, there is widespread dislike or indifference to you, why not explore this with the view of firstly understanding yourself and where these feelings come from, and secondly to address these issues.

I know people can be uncaring at times, but you appear to found this a very common outcome. For example, when you start to talk with someone what makes that person turn away. I was impressed by the list of hobbies you described to Shelley. If you were talking about one of these to someone how does this scenario play out. I have lived alone for the past 16 years after separating from my husband. It has taken me many years to understand the whole process behind the marriage in the first place and my eventual choice to leave. Starwolf has also made a similar comment.

Instead of looking to others for companionship and an answer to your loneliness, would it be more successful to work out what happens and why it happens in these less than successful interactions? Please don't construe this as a criticism. I am finding in my own experience, and this is still a work in progress, that the only control I have over my own destiny is in what I do, say and think. I cannot change anyone else.

Let me know how you feel about these comments.

Mary

Cucuboth · ‎09-01-2017

Hi Mary,

Sorry. I just get the feeling that often, people get annoying with me very quickly. A lot of the therapists I have been to end up going like that. They end up getting annoyed at me, even angry, because I have tried all the 'advice' that they give. My family get annoyed and angry at me because I won't just accept the way things are and because I want more than what life has given me. And a lot of people who give advice seem to get angry because I have already tried what they suggest, often to the point of accusing me of not wanting to try, or not trying hard enough, simply because what worked for them doesn't seem to work out for me.

I have done role playing with therapists before, about how to approach someone and start a conversation. Huh, all I can say is that what works in a therapist's office doesn't seem to work out here in the 'real world'. In the therapists office, I'm OK once I get started, but away from there, I just never seem to find anyone to get started with. I don't know why people react to me the way they do. It's just always happened. I know you can't change the way people think, or the way they react, but sometimes I think that all it would take would be someone to just try. I guess that's what really hurts, is that nobody has ever even tried to really talk with me, know me, let alone touch me. Why people won't, I don't know. I think you would have to ask them that. All I ever get told is that I am ugly, or at the very least, unusual looking. I still find, at 40, that when I am in a line or a queue, sometimes people will dare their friends to stand next to me, or behind me, or who will be game enough to stand close to me, and make a joke out of it. It's humiliating. And I don't just mean teenagers doing this.

To find out what happens, and why, I guess you would have to have the co-operation of the other person involved, to ask them how they feel, and why. And that isn't going to happen.

I can't change anyone. I know that. I guess, I thought that by this age, I would have found at least one person who liked me. At least one person who was willing to meet me half way and try ....

Guest_1055 · ‎09-01-2017

Hey again and I greet you with a friendly hug!

You sound just so sad still, I long to cheer you up in some way.

I read all about your hobbies that you have, you sure do have a few good ones there. I don't know much about astronomy, but I love just lifting my head up and staring into the night sky. The greatness of it is mind blowing, like one cannot get ones head around the size of it. It is incredible. Love looking at the stars too. I think staring up at the stars, moon and looking for the planet's through a telescope would be fascinating. I hope you get one soon. One of my relatives has something on his smart phone that lets you know what satellites are passing over head in space. Maybe you have heard of such an app?? Don't know what it is called though.

I too like books, not the kind you like reading though. Except for few a historical types. I have been know to even smell books in second hand shops,because I don't like buying any that seem musty. I feel a bit embarrassed saying that...Oh well. Anyway I certainly understand you visiting bookshops and it is like a hobby for you. And good on you for selling some artwork, you must be pretty good then?

Now I am wondering about your need for hugs, and this thought popped into my mind. You may have already tried this or been advised before. So I hope my suggestion doesn't frustrate you? Have you ever tried just greeting your family with a hello and a simple hug? Like don't ask them whether they are willing to give you one. But rather have a thought that you will simply give them one instead. Just give and not expect anything in return from them. They may physically feel stiff like, or may not even put there arms around you. But not to worry.. If you haven't tried it already...Just go for it!

Hey I am sorry that you have felt that "humiliating" feeling. Other people can act like real jerks sometimes. And the way they treat you is really telling you what there character is like. I am only just learning about that myself. It is what is inside a person that really counts, so much more important and precious then the outside of someone. Hope you don't mind me saying that??

And thanks for sharing your hobbies and if you do just end up "biting the bullet" and giving your relatives a hug, will you let us know how it goes ?( I am just nosey is all)

Shelley