Here We Go Again!

[Bobbi]

It's been a while since I wrote a post on here (hear the guilt?). Depression has set in so far for over 2 weeks. Today is one of the worse days. I have housework to do, I need to order medication, I need sleep, I need to have a shower and so on and so on. The guilt and lethargy seems to be ruling my day today.

I know lack of sleep (caused by fibromyalgia) is playing an integral part in the depression hanging around and yet I don't like feeling like I sleep all the time. I feel more guilty when I do sleep during the day even though I know its imperative for my health.

I am struggling to do anything much at all. Even eating...again, imperative for my health.

I have these tools I usually use when I am depressed and I don't even feel like using those. My brain is saying, put off the washing up until later, its not going anywhere. No one is coming over today, you don't need to shower right now. Take the rubbish out tonight when no one is around. Order the medication tomorrow, you have enough to last you 3 more days.

Wow, just typing this down makes me feel even more guilty and more self critical. It makes me feel like I'm drowning and there's no steps on the side of the deep, dark pool. There's nothing under my feet to stand on. It's just dark and cold and dark and lonely and did I mention dark?

Now for the tools.....

Sitting at my desk is not going to help me to achieve what I need to do to help myself and no one else can do the things I need to. So first things first, set 1 or 2 goals for the day. My goals today are to do the washing up and to have a shower. Will I feel less depressed after doing these things? Probably not but at least there will be 2 things I've done that need doing.

I also need to eat lunch and get something out for dinner. These are necessities to live and so do not go on my goal list.

After doing the dishes, I'm going to reward myself by watching a movie.

So on that note, I'm going to go make lunch. It's 1.10 pm here and the longer I sit and do nothing, the less likely it is that I will eat and/or achieve my goals.

I hope you all have as best day as you can.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hope today has been a better day for you, Bobbi. I'd just like to say I'm another one who goes through exactly what you've described. It's a struggle to get out of bed, to eat properly, to shower, and so on. I've been in a slump for a couple of weeks, and now my mood is slowly evening out I can see what a damn mess my place is. Managed to get some sleep and cook something today at least, so it's not all bad news.

I'll second Kaz's recommendation for a "done" list. Like some of you here I'm a bugger for writing oversized "to do" lists, and not achieving everything on them, and that can be pretty disheartening. Then one day when I finally got around to cleaning up my desk, I found some old ones. I realised that most of what was on them I had done at some stage, and it felt pretty damn good. So I got a diary and started writing up what I've achieved each day. Even if it's just getting caught up on sleep, because sleep has been a huge struggle for me around insomnia and shift work, and a ****head neighbour making it impossible when I do have a chance to sleep. Admittedly I had a couple of days recently when I didn't write anything and was doing so poorly I couldn't remember having done anything useful in them. I just skipped those dates and resumed on the day I remembered I had my "done" list. As you say, accepting that depression is a thing is good. I can thus shrug off that empty spot in the diary and acknowledge that I wasn't doing so good for a bit, but hey, I'm doing stuff again.

That said, I take the opportunity to give myself the okay for a doing nothing day now and then, too. Sometimes that's reward in itself, especially when you've done a lot of achieving lately. My "done" list includes things I've done for my own enjoyment and well-being, like watching a show or playing a game or learning something. Maybe instead of a shower you could have a bath. Light candles, have a nice beverage or an ice-cream or something while you're in there and make an experience of it. I do that sometimes, and it feels pretty good. Just a thought.

Cheers all, for the solidarity. It's nice to see I'm by no means alone with this sort of thing.

[Bobbi]

Hi Kaz, today was not so much of a good day. I only slept 3 hours last night so I was behind the 8 ball even when I woke up. Trying to motivate myself to even pick 1 or 2 goals was too much. I ended up sleeping this afternoon for another 3 hrs. I feel like I've been sleeping all day and I feel so guilty and useless, like I'll never achieve anything. I know that's not true but that's what it feels like when there's very little of the nice chemicals going around in my brain.

I'm just starting to yawn again at 4 am. I'm hoping that will mean I can sleep again. I'm so tired.

Maybe tomorrow will be better and I'll motivate myself to make 2 goals and achieve them tomorrow.....or should I say later today.

I think I've slipped another foot down the deep, dark well. I'm not at the bottom so there's still time to put some of the tools into action. Sleep first, then action....ugh!

[Bobbi]

Hi Blues Clues. I read your reply with interest as there are some very good ideas in there. Tho, I feel overloaded at the moment and it's all too difficult, I'm going to start rewarding myself again. I haven't done that in quite some time.

Is it something to do with depression that we try to start a good routine like rewarding ourselves and then at some stage and for some reason we forget and stop doing it? I find it very difficult to continue to do something that works every day or every week. I feel a bit better when I do reward myself. Its nearly like self sabotaging. Does anyone else have this problem?

So my reward is making myself a nice cuppa decaf tea with soy milk, sitting in my comfortable chair and looking outside as the world goes by. I'm going to attempt to remember to do that in the morning when I wake up.

My goals tomorrow are clean the bathroom sink and toilet (they so need doing!) and to have a shower. That's a big goal so we shall see how I go. I look forward to putting those jobs in my done calendar tomorrow night.

I hope everyone is sleeping well.

[Kazzl]

Hiya Bobbi - don't forget to put 'posted on BB' on your achievement list for today. That's an important one because it means you're hanging in there and not giving up! Good job Bobbi.

I know that deep dark well, been in it often - don't look down hun, just keep looking up.

Kaz

[Clues_Of_Blue]

For me I'd have to say it's not that I forget to reward myself, it's more that when I'm really down I struggle to enjoy anything, and don't have a great deal of energy to get started on it anyway, to find out if I'll enjoy it. It's not a good cycle. That said, when I push myself, one of the best things I can do to perk up is sit outside in the sun (if it's sunny, of course). I've found direct sunlight to play a huge part in mood, and often by the time I've had my coffee and maybe a bite to eat, I'm starting to feel a bit motivated. It's been a bit harder with the cooler months rolling in and less sunlight. Have been contemplating a SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) Therapy Light to get me through winter. If you don't know, it's a really bright light to emulate sunlight for those with depression caused or exacerbated by lack of sun. Half an hour or so a day with it is recommended for therapy, though talk to your GP or therapist about the risks. I've read that at the wrong time of day it can in some cases trigger mania in those with bipolar.

Something else I've found to help me sleep or alternatively to kick me out of feeling too rubbish to enjoy things is a little free app for my phone, called Nature Sounds. Especially if I'm stuck indoors it's good to hear birdsong, or a waterfall or waves lapping the shore to calm my mind and make me feel like I'm not completely disconnected from the natural world. I've been a bit remiss with this lately as I sometimes forget I have it and the silence is so oppressive I feel worse. Maybe the pair of us should set reminders to do these sorts of things for ourselves, while we're in the right headspace to think of it?

Completely agree about adding a reference to posting on here to your "done" list. Was gonna say that, but Kaz beat me to it. Nice to see you're on the ball there, Kaz. 🙂

Hope you got some joy out of your cuppa and your comfy chair, Bobbi.