Help: Your thoughts and what you've done in the past

[Molly_the_fish]

I have been told I had depression before, over 5 years ago. I never felt like it really went away.

Tonight I feel like I have 'cracked'

i feel like I am on the verge of crying all the time. My arms feel heavy. Breathing hurts. I want to tear all my hair out. Am I crazy? Have I lost it? 

I feel like a failure. I will never amount to anything. Everything I try I fail at. I have no direction in my life and it's terrifying. I don't know what I want, or where I want to go, so I have no direction I feel like a failure. 

I called my mother to talk it through and everything she said is true, I am capable of success. I guess my failure is my own fault, it my doing, I am the only one to blame. 

How can I stop feeling like this, it's so heavy it's crushing me. I can't see the end. I can't see the point of going on. 

Please, I just want to hear your stories of what you have done to give me hope. 

Thanks

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[White_Rose]

Dear Molly

You sound extremely depressed and in need of immediate help. Please phone the BB help line on 1300 22 4636. Be assured the person who answers your call will be able to help tonight and tell what to do in the morning. I'm sure he/she will say make an immediate appointment with your doctor and talk about all of your concerns.

Please call the number straight away.

Mary

[Cymru]

as Mary said

[Leeza]

I know exactly how you feel.

Tonight I smsed my husband (because he can't  and shouldnt have to handle my outbursts and is sleeping in the spare room) and my sms said 'I think I am incapable of being happy.' 

I have battled depression on and off since i was about 11 and what I have finally realised tonight is that this isnt my fault. Your depression is not your fault. It is no ones fault; it is a disease. Millions and millions of people battle diseases of every kind their entire lives. It just sux that a lot of people don't understand our disease and make us feel like we have done something wrong or are crazy. The way i try to explain it to my non-suffering family and husband is that every human being feels depressed, if they fail an exam, get dumped, lose a loved one, get divorced etc ; but people who have depression feel like this for no reason at all sometimes. 

There have been so many times when i feel like you. When i feel like i will literally never ever find true happiness. My marriage will never be easy, I will never like my job, i will never be confident and feel joy or purpose. But I will. You will. We just have to have faith that things will get better. We will be happy. Then things will get crappy again once depression rears its ugly head. The trick is to always remind yourself that it will get better. Rarely on its own though. You have to try even  when life feels too painful and worthless to live. Never stop fighting. Never give up. Even if life is never easy it is still your life. There will always be bad things in your life but there will always b good things too. 

Try to focus on the people who love you and the things you like doing. Some days it will feel like nothing makes you happy (not movies or talking or exercising or sleeping or hanging out with friends or anything) my advice on these days is to try to find something new that might make you happy. I bought an inflatable kayak and tried rowing last month. It was awesome but even if it didn't  make me happy at least i had tried something new.

Keep sharing with people who get you. Never give up because you are important. You have purpose. Your post helped me on a bad night so thank you. 😊

[White_Rose]

Dear Molly

How are you going? I have been very concerned about you. Did you manage to phone BB? Please write in again.

The best thing I did was to talk to my GP who is a fabulous lady. Through an unexpected path I came into contact with a psychologist who is also pretty fantastic. I walked a huge journey, often in tears, usually feeling useless, hopeless, unlovable and stupid. It has taken a long time to get to where I am and I am still a work in progress.

I have done the proverbial kicking and screaming, given up on life, been convinced nothing would ever change, lost direction and hope.  BUT I HAVE SURVIVED.

Most of the time I have worked hard on the problem of me. Sometimes I ran away. It's hard to tell you what to do because everyone is in a different situation. I am often told that I can succeed, I am capable of managing my life etc. It's only recently that I have begun to believe it.

First I want to ask you what being successful means to you. Is it a good job, a good relationship, a feeling of internal well-being, having lots of friends? There are so many different things that seem to say we are successful. What is your definition?

When you were first diagnosed, did you receive any professional help? Have you talked to your GP lately? This is an important step for you to take. You are clearly extremely distressed and need immediate support. Do you have a partner or trusted friend? It seems to me that you need to be with family or friends for a little while and to meet regularly with a psychiatrist or psychologist until you are better able to manage.

My first comments probably sound discouraging. I cannot tell you it will be easy.  All I can say is hold on. Find a psych you are comfortable with. Tell him/her all your worries and fears. Let them help you to heal.

You both can and will succeed if you really want to. And I know just how hard it is to keep going. There are times when you are too tired to keep going and want to go to sleep. When things seem at their worst it usually means you are on the verge of going another rung up the ladder.

It seems that our brains work against us at times preferring the easy path of old habits, giving up, refusing to believe you will get better. We all struggle with this. My brain has a well-worn path to pain. I have worked hard to walk a different path and it's working.

Leeza has described how the brain tells us we will never succeed in anything we do but that's a lie. You will get well. Please write in soon.

Mary

[Molly_the_fish]

Hello all,

as an update I wanted to let you all know I am working through this one day at a time. 

I spoke to my husband, and I am completely convinced he is my guardian angel sent to earth to look after me. I felt better after I spoke with him, well at least calmed down.

I haven't really slept since Sunday and my chest still feels tight, and am not my usually 'happy self' but I do feel better then I did on Sunday and have only cried a couple of times got no reason (which is better than all day) 

Yes, White Rose your initial comment was very shocking, but only because I guess I knew it myself and you confirmed it. 

Thank you for your comment Leeza, you're right I just need to remain hopeful that things will get better. 

I haven't seen a doctor as I am yet to find one I like or can trust, I always just feel like an inconvenience to be rushed out the door. But I have got an appointment with a psychologist so hopefully she can help me through this. 

It was a huge step for me to reach out, and I really do appreciate the kind comments. 

This is something I am working through, it won't be fixed overnight. One day at a time at the moment. 

God bless. 

[JessF]

Hello Molly, that's great news that you have an appointment with a psychologist. See if she can recommend a GP that refers to her, if your GP writes you up a mental health plan then you can get ten sessions at the psychologist for cheaper rates.

It is a good thing anyway for the long term to have a GP that you can trust to talk to about any health issue, and doesn't make you feel rushed. I'm lucky to have one of those, she has a strange ability to make the fifteen minutes feel much longer.

[White_Rose]

Hello Molly

So pleased to hear from you. I am sorry that you were shocked but I was very concerned about you. Glad to hear you have found a good support in your husband. They do come in useful at times (smile).

If you look at the tabs at the top of the page under Get Support/Find a Professional you will a search process that will allow you to look for a GP by postcode. These GPs have experience in mental health issues so may suit your needs. I know, like JessF, that my GP is not only a fantastic doctor but a lovely woman who has been a tremendous help to me.

Managing each day as it comes is the best way. Looking too far ahead can be disheartening and make the journey seem unattainable. As they say, been there, done that, got the tee shirt.

It's also great that you are going to see a psychologist. Ask her if she is willing to continue as your psych under a mental health plan as Jess has suggested. It's good to stay with the same person if you are happy.

Please do not be so hard on yourself. You are worthwhile and will be better in time.

I hope you continue to write in.

Mary