Help with fiancé leaving as they need to work through childhood trauma

[Trying_Optimist]

Hi, after reading a lot of posts here, I thought I’d join and reach out myself.

My partner and I (39 and 34) have been together for 8 yrs, engaged for 3. We have lived together for 7.5 yrs, moved countries multiple times, supported each other through career training/exams, family deaths etc.

In the middle of May he told me that ‘things weren’t great’ which caught me out of the blue. He proceeded to tell me he felt suffocated, pressured to propose at the time and that he wasn’t attracted to me anymore. In his words however, he called this a speed bump.

We both started our own counselling (my self-esteem plummeted with weight gain and I was jealous of new friends he had made at a new job), and he said he had to work on figuring out who he was as he felt lost. We attended one couples counselling together where we said we both wanted to try.

At the end of June he requested 5 days alone to have space to think (at our parting he hugged and kissed me, said I love you and that we were going to work on this). On reuniting he told me it was over. No trying/counselling/nothing. I was distraught. I asked why, and he said that he has to deal with ‘big stuff’, didn’t want my support, and didn’t love me anymore. I asked for a trial separation to have time to process, which he agreed to, but then 3 days later said no.

We have remained living together for the past 3 months (we don’t have friends/family here). There have been some very ugly moments from both of us, but then some incredibly sad conversations where he looks shattered and talks about wanting the ground to open and swallow him up. He has continued to confide in me regarding work and worries about sickness in his family. I have reason to believe that the ‘big stuff’ is to do with his childhood and after a few comments this week, suspect there was abuse at a significant level.

I am moving out on Sunday, without anything being sorted house/possessions wise. I'm so sad. I feel so deeply for the pain he must be going through, but I'm also hurt about how quickly he threw us away, and didn't want to let me help him.

I suppose my questions are:
1) should I let him know that I didn't realise that there was something so significant in his past and that it doesn't change my love for him? That I’ll always be on his team, his support through thick and thin?
2) am I stupid to think that there is a way back for us?

[Trying_Optimist]

Studies aren't great unfortunately. It should be a distraction from everything, but unfortunately my mind is ok one minute and then BOOM something reminds me and I lose an hour or five to thinking about what happened. 

Does it ever start to feel real? I still wake up some days and think that this is just a temporary situation and it will all be normal again soon. I don't know if it would've been easier to accept if there had been counselling or time where he tried, but it sometimes feels like it snowballed out of proportion without either of us knowing. I believe he is dismissive avoidant, and imagine he isn't feeling anything but 'freedom' right now. 

I'm on the fence about getting more of my stuff this weekend coming. Part of me likes the idea of it still being in that house ('where it belongs') and if I'm being completely honest, where he's reminded of us daily. I'm also sick of losing my evenings, weekends, time in general to the pack and move situation. We still haven't divided everything so it's not like I can go and get stuff without him there. He hasn't mentioned anything about my stuff, the house, the money and I don't want to keep doing everything.  I know it will have to come up at some point though.

It doesn't help that this Friday is our anniversary. Think it will be a late day at the university to try and stop me thinking about it!

[Trying_Optimist]

So quite the evening update. I feel broken all over again.

I messaged him to say I was going to be in the area for an appointment and does he mind if I come around to the house to get a couple of things. He replies saying he’s bringing his male colleague home for tea so could I come on the weekend. That kissed me off already as all of my weekends have been ruined by this.

I asked if they were to be a while as I’m nearly there and can pop in and out before they’re back. He replies ok. 
I head into the house and get stuff. I couldn’t find a few things and go looking for where they could be last. Needless to say I find a few things like 2 towels hanging in the bathroom, the nice glasses x2 on the bench, etc etc. my mind goes straight to the female work friend I’ve always felt uneasy about. I can’t help it and call him to ask about it. He latched into an attack and explains he uses 2 towels now and various other reasons for things. I end up apologising and go to my appointment. 
after the appointment  I sit in the car and feel bad for doubting him again. I decide to go by the house and if there’s no car there I’ll go in and apologise. 
So there was a car there. Not the male friend, but the female one. I end up standing outside the house frozen and listening at the door. It sounds like he cooked dinner and they’re chatting. I recognise his flirty voice. I walk away but come back and hear she’s in the shower. Wtf?!  Then he brushes his teeth. A lot of silence ensues after she’s out of the shower and I walk away. I think I’d be stupid to think this is innocent. 

I know we are now separated but it kills me why he is still lying. Maybe this is what I needed to get my stuff, my share of everything and be done. 

But man it hurts to be right.