Help with fiancé leaving as they need to work through childhood trauma

[Trying_Optimist]

Hi, after reading a lot of posts here, I thought I’d join and reach out myself.

My partner and I (39 and 34) have been together for 8 yrs, engaged for 3. We have lived together for 7.5 yrs, moved countries multiple times, supported each other through career training/exams, family deaths etc.

In the middle of May he told me that ‘things weren’t great’ which caught me out of the blue. He proceeded to tell me he felt suffocated, pressured to propose at the time and that he wasn’t attracted to me anymore. In his words however, he called this a speed bump.

We both started our own counselling (my self-esteem plummeted with weight gain and I was jealous of new friends he had made at a new job), and he said he had to work on figuring out who he was as he felt lost. We attended one couples counselling together where we said we both wanted to try.

At the end of June he requested 5 days alone to have space to think (at our parting he hugged and kissed me, said I love you and that we were going to work on this). On reuniting he told me it was over. No trying/counselling/nothing. I was distraught. I asked why, and he said that he has to deal with ‘big stuff’, didn’t want my support, and didn’t love me anymore. I asked for a trial separation to have time to process, which he agreed to, but then 3 days later said no.

We have remained living together for the past 3 months (we don’t have friends/family here). There have been some very ugly moments from both of us, but then some incredibly sad conversations where he looks shattered and talks about wanting the ground to open and swallow him up. He has continued to confide in me regarding work and worries about sickness in his family. I have reason to believe that the ‘big stuff’ is to do with his childhood and after a few comments this week, suspect there was abuse at a significant level.

I am moving out on Sunday, without anything being sorted house/possessions wise. I'm so sad. I feel so deeply for the pain he must be going through, but I'm also hurt about how quickly he threw us away, and didn't want to let me help him.

I suppose my questions are:
1) should I let him know that I didn't realise that there was something so significant in his past and that it doesn't change my love for him? That I’ll always be on his team, his support through thick and thin?
2) am I stupid to think that there is a way back for us?

[ecomama]

Oh gosh Trying_Optimist, what a sad story. How confusing! How frustrating. How every rotten thing. 

Welcome to the forums. I'm so glad you joined. This is a safe space to share anything and everything you want or need to. Please know we care. 

Firstly no you're not stupid any time. You are a caring, loving soul who's had her heart broken by the man she loved in a foreign country and after everything you've both gone through TOGETHER for almost a decade.

Hugs. 

You know you can do whatever you want to right? 
By asking a bunch of (very awesome lol) strangers online and getting their feedback, you STILL can do what you want to do, right? 

So even if you don't follow any of our advice, we're still here for you okay? 

OK down to business lol. I have a few spidey senses going off but we can wait for later to see.... 
My responses to question
1) mmm we don't know for sure if this is all about "something so significant" any time... 
What it COULD be could very easily change your love for him. 
You may not always be on his team etc... 
If you wanted to leave a kind note stating you're available to talk if he chooses, then that's enough for now IMHO. 
2) no one knows if there's a way back to each other.... no one except HIM and he's keeping schtum which spikes my spidey senses. 

I wouldn't promise my undying love since he said he doesn't love you any more. 
IDK this complete change is weird, don't you think? 

Have a peek at the 180 strategy online and the self-care thread here. Talk to your friends and family ALL the time and keep low to no contact with ex for now. 
Let him FEEL what it's like to not have you at his beck and call. 

Talk soon
EM

[geoff]

Hello Trying_Optimist, problems that he may have had years ago may have resurfaced with the thoughts of both of you having your own children, but the two of you are different and would treat your kids another way and this could be his concern.

When a person suffers from any type of MI, they can't say to their partner that they love them, as they have before, this doesn't mean that deep down they don't and perhaps a separation may help him because this will enable him to contact you, then he hopefully will get counselling by himself.

Don't dismiss the chance of getting back together, but when you do, your position together may change all for the better.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Trying_Optimist]

Thanks for your kind post EM,

A few weeks before the 'big reveal' of things aren't great back in May, he had COVID and spent a week in isolation. During that time he read a (great) book by a palliative care nurse who talks about what people discuss/regret etc. in their final time. I think that sparked something in him or at least emphasised what he must have had brewing. I also noticed a change when he started hanging out with his new friends at work. 

During one of my 'why?' conversations, when he said he didn't love me, I asked him what love meant to him. He shrugged and said 'it's a feeling'. I felt like I was talking to a teenage boy. I shared that to me, love was about a lot of things but founded in respect, trust, shared values and visions for the future, and understanding that life isn't always going to be rosy, but you have each other's back. I pointed out that about 4 years ago when he had a year from hell, there were many times that I didn't 'like' him as such, but I knew that we were strong enough to weather that storm. And things improved. He then added that now he 'didn't want to be responsible to anyone'. 

We have so much to sort out that I wish we could just pause and deal with when I've had my own headspace. I'm in a much worse financial and career position because of the choices I/we made for our future, and I need to know I'm not giving in just because I still love him. 

I will check out those suggestions, thanks.

[Trying_Optimist]

Thanks Geoff, I hope you're right. 

I have been reading about various responses to trauma and have to try and hope he gets the help he needs to live a life not shackled by his past. I still want that future to include me.

I'm hoping that by learning more about not just his attachment type and possible trauma coping strategies, but also my own attachment styles and what I need from a relationship, that if we got a second shot it would be a much stronger relationship than before - as we'd know the importance of considering how we both deal with certain situations. 

It sounds pathetic on my part, but I hope that when he is ready for a relationship again, that he remembers me and what we had/have.

[ecomama]

You're very welcome T_O, always. 

IME, I've always lost a lot career wise, financially, emotionally, psychologically and on and on by being in a useless relationship. I use the term useless just because I felt the time was wasted at the time. Now I don't care as much because I know that "time is the precious unrenewable", so that's that! 

So you're moving out on Sunday? 
Are you moving in with friends, a shared house or on your own? 

I really want to talk about YOU. How you're moving forward. 

Not sure if you've had a look at the 180? It has excellent guidelines for this time in anyone's life. 
Please make plans with friends, then GO TO THEM. 
Do MOUNTAINS of self-care. 
Journal here and or in a journal if you're so inclined. It's amazing to read over my journals (which I do rarely lol) and see the anguish I felt.... and how free of that I am now. 

You brought up what love meant to each of you.... a FANTASTIC read is "The Road Less Traveled" by M.Scott Peck. You could borrow this from a local library or ask them to get it in. I have my own copy now after many years of borrowing copies lol. This classic text discusses ALL SORTS of relationships and how different people SEE them. So freaking interesting! 

Another awesome one is "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People" by Stephen Covey. This can help you get your career back on track and prosper big time. I'm about to dive back in to that one again myself :-))

Love EM

[Trying_Optimist]

Thanks EM.

I have read a bit about the 180 stuff - where you do the opposite of what you usually would? Much easier said than done, but I have been trying. 

So I moved on Sunday. It was a horrible. My ex had said he'd help and needless to say he didn't really.

On the Saturday night when he came home after a birthday and I was still packing, he came in, said hello and that he'd help me tomorrow. When he went out earlier, we had been good (friendly, not fighting/picking at each other), so I asked if he had a good night. I swear I asked it in a normal tone and I honestly meant it. He replied 'no, because I had to come home to you'. It was punch in the guts but I just stayed quiet and kept packing, then after he went to bed had a cry to myself. It was totally unnecessary and in contrast to how he had been when going out. 

The next morning he came and said sorry first thing, and said he had received a family message on the way home that he was worried about. I told him that he knows I care for his family, but it wasn't a reason to say such a hurtful thing, and kept packing. He started helping and when movers arrived, I couldn't find him. Eventually I found him sobbing in the pantry. 

At the end when I was leaving - he just kept repeating, 'I'm so sorry' and 'I'm so confused'.

I said that I was too, as all he had to do was ask for a break, rather than make it so definite. He replied 'I'm so confused'.

I still have a lot of important stuff at the house and we still haven't decided on the division of the house, joint money etc. I figured if we have distance for a couple of weeks it might help diffuse the situation slightly. 

I would love to think he could see what he's missing, but I imagine he is loving the 'freedom' right now.

I will look into that Peck book. Career wise I'm ok, it's just that I stopped my full time work to study (for him - he wanted to move overseas next year and this was what I needed to do in order to get work there. He agreed it was a good idea and that we support each other through things like this). I can't stop my study until the end of next year so it will just be a case of using savings until then. 

Day 3 and I hate not having anyone to talk to at the end of the day or hear their stories. Urgh. 

[ecomama]

Welcome back after your move T_O. I'm sorry you're going through all this. It's a horrible time ANY TIME but when you've been left high and dry deep in the middle of study, away from home etc.... I don't understand some people. 

Yes the 180 is all about turning our attention 180 degrees away from the partner and completely on to our own selves. It's one of those strategies in life that can help us in either eventuality, being whether you break up completely OR whether you get back together. 
Many things are either one or the other. This one's a dual path strategy. 

Self-care is at the roots. 

Will you need to sell property eg a house? 
I intuit that any split of things will be up to you to get happening. 
Getting a bank account in your Sole name would be one good next step. 

I'd never intend for my words to come across as "toxic", so keeping this in mind, his words repeating his own confusion lead me to think he's got GIGS > Grass Is Greener Syndrome. No explanation necessary I'd say. 

I've known 6 people whose partner did this to them whilst living in another country or being in a faraway state and all because of the other partner's wants to live there. 2 ended up back together. 

This time is hard. Do you have friends and family to reach out to? 
You always have the forums here, 
Love EM

[Trying_Optimist]

We both got our own bank accounts a month or so ago, so that part is sorted.

We do have a property - another sore point. We got it in 2020 and then underwent a major renovation last year. Needless to say, I was the one who took the brunt of the load as my work/study was more flexible to answer builder questions, keep on top of the errors etc. I put my heart and soul into every decision which made it so hard to leave. 

Because of the current market, if we sell, we will both lose a significant amount of money. Because of study, I am not in a position to pay the mortgage myself, but he is. That's why I moved out rather than him.

We are basically choosing between him buying me out vs. us holding on to it for a while until the market settles (he would pay the full mortgage in this time and we would sort that out at point of sale down the track). 

I agree with your GIGS comment completely. I have read a lot about a this aspect, especially when someone is potentially avoiding dealing with something big and so projects that on to the partner and emphasises their flaws. That, and then the 90/10 theory, where someone leaves a partner who has 90% of the attributes they want, but most likely the 'boring' ones (supportive, consistent with praise, loyalty etc) but are missing/have lost the 10% of 'exciting' values (attractiveness, spontaneity etc.). When they meet someone who has that 10% they leave for them but then realise that they didn't have most of the other 90% things once the honeymoon period wears off. 

I have a few friends here, but they have young families and I don't want to burden them. My closest friends are overseas, as is my family. I try and have a chat on the phone to a few people, but just miss the everyday chatter that happens in a home. 

I'm joining a gym on Monday - hopefully something to make me feel better about myself that is independent of him/anyone else. Fingers crossed next week is better than this one. 

He messaged to say there is a parcel at home for me and would I like him to drop it off? I just said that I'd pick it up when I come to get the rest of my stuff sometime. For now I think the distance is necessary. 

Thanks again for your support. 

[ecomama]

Hey T_O, you're so grown up, hugs. 

Glad you have your own Sole Account. Check. 

I haven't seen anyone's Property Settlement go "swimmingly", it's a yuck thing to deal with. 
You appear to have a very level head, so just keep it and things will be okay there (I hope). 

Well yes, buying in 2020 was probably JUST before the market booms or at the beginning of it here being late 2018... but it was still climbing rapidly until this year. Of course putting a ton of money into it, thinking of LONG TERM habitation was a good thing to do I guess. You didn't see this coming, so you did the best you knew at the time. 

I've not heard of the 90/10 theory. Although it sounds about right to me! Quite ridiculous really. Just like GIGS. 

The 90/10 also sounds very similar to the attraction of affair partners. All alluring until reality sets in with the same ole bills and the same ole everything as it is for everyone. It's only THEN that they often realise just how compatible their previous relationship was compared to the current one. 

I'm of the "too bad too sad" POV. I'm very cut and dry about ending things once bs like that occurs. 
Butt to the curb and all that. BUT I'm not everybody, just me. 

Happy you've joined a Gym, GO YOU! 
Nothing like pumping the iron to get all those feels out. Will help you sleep better I hope too! 

Are you able to concentrate on your studies okay? 
EMxxxx