Help me fix my sadness/depression!!

[jonny09]

I have this weird urge to impress people. I seek people's validation to make myself feel better.

I sometimes lie to show a better image of myself, in order to impress people.

I am financially successful in life but i never got the recognition or respect that i wanted.

I am very sensitive to criticism. If someone criticizes me, I think about it for 7-8 days and consume my mind with thoughts of getting back at him(person who criticized me).

I feel sad most of the time. I don't feel like making new friends or talking to strangers. I live alone most of the time.

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Can someone tell me what exact problem am i going thru? Is there a name to it? And what's the solution to all this? Is there a mechanism or way to fix this?

[geoff]

Hello Jonny, and welcome to the site.

I think we all want to try and impress those around us with our achievements and there's nothing wrong in doing this, it's something you should be proud of, and what you are able to do in life, might be kept a secret from those people you are friends with.

We have to be careful when we tend to lie, only because when other people find out the truth then our self esteem greatly reduces, plus the admiration they had for us then doubts whatever else we have to say, so it's quite an effort to rebuild this trust up again and won't happen immediately.

Well done for being financially successful, sometimes 'the proof is in the pudding' in that they will know this by the way you live or have items showing that you have done well but if you are sad most of the time then you need to see your doctor for a diagnosis, as it could be a sign of some type of depression developing, although I'm not a doctor to say, but not wanting to talk with strangers or make new friends is a symptom of having this.

I can only suggest but this fear could be that you are frightened these people might also criticise you for something they believe in themselves, which may be the complete opposite of how you feel.

If someone is feeling confident and believes they are successful, then this will naturally show, so they don't need to do anything, but lying is when you start to lose those around you.

Do you have a good relationship with your doctor and are able to talk openly with them, because this would be a good starting point?

Please get back to us when you are available.

Geoff.

[therising]

Hi jonny09

I believe we're conditioned from a pretty early age to be people pleasers, so getting out of people pleasing mode can be seriously challenging.

Utter your 1st word and it's like 'Oh, you're so clever, you're so wonderful', so you do it again. From crawling to walking, 'You're just so amazing. Good boy/girl!' You're parents, teachers and so on will openly tell you if they're pleased or not pleased with you. Key people in our life may tell us how we're 'failing' and how bad we should feel about it. Before you know it, you're trying to please everyone and then be left wondering 'How the heck did I get here to this point?' People pleasing can get pretty intense at times. You can find yourself lying just to please people.

As a 51yo gal, it actually took me more than 4 decades to get out of constant people pleasing mode. It was far from easy. In my younger years, I may have allowed someone to degrade me rather than upset them by speaking up. That's pretty messed up, hey. Allowing people to degrade us can get pretty depressing. Over time, I began to gain a natural sense of wonder, 'I wonder why that person has no filter. Why are they so degrading?' My basic sense of wonder progressed to, at times, wondering out loud at such a person, 'I can't help but wonder why you have no filter. Why are you so degrading?' I simply had to know why that person was so messed up 🙂 Now, I warn you, it does tend to trigger a seriously arrogant person when you challenge them to wonder why they're so messed up 🙂 The more arrogant, self righteous and closed minded they are, the more they're triggered. If you know anyone like this, you'll know what I'm talking about.

I must admit there are times where I'll wonder at a person just for personal amusement (only the nasty people). It's kinda like 'Let me trigger a feeling in you that you don't like'. Such people will have happily triggered feelings of worthlessness or depression in others. I know it all sounds a little arrogant but I get really fed up with horrible people, especially given what they do to sensitive people. I just love sensitive people, they're so beautiful.

I imagine you're sensitive enough to be able to sense how certain arrogant people will react to you questioning them. If this is a huge challenge, start with someone a little more low key to practice on (practice not being a people pleaser). See if you've predicted their reaction accurately.

Wonder is a great natural self esteem booster.

[jonny09]

Is there an exercise or something that i can do...to make myself immune to criticism?

And will i have to subconsciously practise it?

Sometimes, i feel i shud go out and seek criticism(from people), so, that after n number of criticisms, there will come a time, when i'll get "immune" to it.

As a kid i was always pampered by my parents, so, i am not used to it. So, i don't know how to train myself to deal with it?

[jonny09]

Hello Geoff,

I have never been to a doctor before(for my mental health issues). Can you suggest which type of doctor shud i meet? I don't know where to start?

And will talking to a doctor make it better? Or shud i deal with it myself? It feels awkward to share my weakness with a doctor(a real person).

I can do it easily sitting behind a computer - being anonymous.

[therising]

Hi jonny09

I can't help but wonder whether your parents were somewhat masterful in the way they delivered constructive advice or guidance, in a way where it didn't feel like they were critiquing. Were they reasonable people, often giving you good reason as to why they wanted or needed you to put more effort into things?

I've actually come to scrap certain words from my vocab, as they don't really serve me. I suppose 'criticism' is one of them when I think about it. I prefer to use words that better define exactly what I'm hearing or expressing. I don't even like the phrase 'constructive criticism' because, basically, what one person may define as constructive can actually prove to be destructive in some cases.

Some substitutes...

• 'Positive guidance/advice' which leads to constructive personal reflection
• 'Personal opinion' which may be right or completely wrong. It's simply opinion, based on individual beliefs (some which can be highly questionable)
• 'Constructive guidance' yet delivered brutally and thoughtlessly. Sometimes you gotta question these people, 'Dude, you've got a good point but, seriously, where's your filter? Tone it down'
• 'Depressing advice'. You can have someone say to you 'It's just constructive criticism, no need to be so sensitive' but when their criticism is constant stuff like 'You're absolutely hopeless, you need to get your s*it together' or 'You gotta stop being such a loser and toughen up', let's call it for what it is...degrading and depressing
• 'Nitpicking'. This can be a little like 'Why are you wearing that? Your socks are old, your hair's a mess, your jeans are faded and your shirt's missing a button'. Now, if you're just going down the shop, what's the big deal but if you're dressing for a job interview, such nitpicking is important as it may lead you to get the job or not
• 'Careless advice' where the person speaking to you doesn't care one way or another how it impacts you. This can also come under the heading of 'Depressing advice'
• 'Belittling advice', where someone's leading you to feel small so as to boost their own ego

The list goes on.

Basically, I've found thoughtful advice/guidance will get me thinking, depressing advice will trigger me to either feel down or angry, careless advice will lead me to question that person's careless delivery and so on. If I put it all under the heading of 'criticism' it can prove harder to make sense of what I'm feeling or reacting to.

Personal opinion is definitely a challenging one.

[Petal22]

Hi jonny09,

Wellcome to our forums!

Im sorry you are feeling this way I understand it can be difficult to be in this cycle and feeling sad isn’t a very nice feeling…..

You don’t need to people please the most important person in the world is to please yourself! Make yourself feel content within you this comes from being positive and building yourself up within yourself……..

When you have the urge to impress people just try to refrain from doing it……. Instead try to achieve a goal for you to make you feel good…

When people criticise you just try to let it go……. that’s that person s perception every one is different……

Try not to lie……. just accept we’re you are in life and if you want to build on it more just work on yourself….

I understand you don’t like making new friends but as you build confidence in yourself you will feel more confident in making new friends……. I understand living alone can get lonely at times…….. maybe try to arrange some outings with family and friends to feel connected……

You can always talk to your gp about the way you are feeling you could do a mental health plan together this will enable you to see a psychologist who could help you further 😊

Im here to chat