Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost

[Daniel12]

Hello there I don’t usually do anything like this but I wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. I am a 25 yr old who on the surface should have everything under control as I have a good job, good family yet I increasingly feel like I don’t know what makes me who I am and often feel down and flat when trying to find answers. I know people have much more reason to be depressed than someone like myself but I just constantly felt flat and lost searching for how I am supposed to be and what makes me who I am.
I have been trying to find a partner which has been the source of countless rejection which is all part of it I know but often I’m left feeling like I’m quite a boring person with nothing really that interesting to tell anyone and I am confused as to how to act

I’m usually a quiet natured person but I feel this incredible pressure that I can’t be like that and I am confused as to where I am at with my life

it is difficult for me to put into words I guess it’s just a lost type of feeling of what my place is and who I am and I thought at 25 I might have an idea of this

I know my post hasn’t given a great deal to go off but if anyone has experienced similar at my age I’d be glad to hear what approach you took

thanks

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I guess it is some sort of progress recognising some of the thoughts/causes/feelings you mentioned instead of suppressing it and trying to carry on due to outside pressures to be a certain way or to be at a certain stage of my life. May be strange but I think one thing that is helping me at the moment is I have taken a step back from things like social media and dating apps. I still have them but I do not feel like I am getting stuck in a rabbit hole, for example scrolling through social media only to feel bad about myself because I see others with what looks like masses of friends or a partner and then that starts the spiral of my thoughts.

I agree with your advice in regards to this girl and that is exactly my fear that I will put too much pressure on myself in my head to come across likeable and allow nerves/anxiety to get the better of me and not shown my relaxed self. Part of it comes from the fact I mentioned to my friend of my struggles to find someone and then the idea of meeting this person was brought up. It has just been spoken about between me and my friend as he wants to give me a chance to meet her without any label on it like "blind date" or something like that so I think it'll be in a group which I guess is good but I also fade into the background a lot in groups. Whilst I am definitely open minded to meeting someone new and if my friend thinks we may get along then why not but with that I feel pressure as if I can't make something happen I will have wasted another opportunity. I know this is a bad way to think I just don't have a great strategy in place at the moment to combat it. The current COVID spread has delayed this meeting which in a way is good as it buys me time sort myself out before it might happen but also leaves me pondering too much over it as well. Does it make sense what I am describing?

I like your advice about being honest and I honestly thought the same thing when I pondered over the mixed sports classes in a few weeks time. Maybe an ice breaker can be to tell people I have never done this before (mixed sport I mean) or ask whether they have played at this event before? I fighting the urges I usually get to cancel it as I want to force myself to do it as I'm hoping the benefits I can gain from might outweigh the anxiety I will go through in the lead up, so I am trying to practice being open minded as you say probably in my own confused way though haha:)

[therising]

Hi Daniel

That's definitely progress, recognising social media and online dating as triggers. I have a poop load of triggers in life and I always feel a sense of progress each time I identify a new one. I know this makes me sound a bit neurotic but it's not all that intense. From knowing exactly how many coffees it takes to upset my nervous system through to the mere mention of a particular person's name (someone who leads me to feel a lot of stress) through to key phrases that trigger me, such as 'You're too sensitive, you need to toughen up', I have a variety of triggers. That last one's a big trigger for me but one I've gradually come to manage well. It's a phrase that used to trigger me to feeling really down and beating myself up. Nowadays, it triggers me to respond with something along the lines of 'I think your insensitivity is the real problem here'. I've come to realise each trigger tells me a little more about who I naturally am and what I can and can't tolerate.

Sounds like your friend has thought of the best way to manage you meeting this girl. No pressure, just a laid back get together of friends. Can understand the frustration, with the time to think between now and when you meet. While the extra time to think can be a good thing, it can also be a not so good thing. I suppose it all depends on how you think. Not sure if the combo of thinking/feeling might be of some help. It's kind of like 'I'm going to feel my thoughts, to see which are the right ones'. This is one of the benefits to being sensitive to your own thoughts, you can feel them. Might pay to take notes as you practice this exercise. A handful of thoughts, for example

• 'She's going to think I'm boring'. If this one leads you to feel what 'down' feels like, it's the wrong thought
• 'I'll throw an occasional smile her way throughout conversation, so she knows I'm a generally happy person'. If this thought leads you to feel what 'lightheartedness' feels like, then it's the right thought
• 'I'll go out to buy a new shirt for the occasion'. If this one leads you to feel 'optimism', it's a good thought
• How does the thought 'I'm going to predict the outcome based on past experience' feel?

You might have a hundred thoughts. See which ones feel 'high' or 'light' and which ones feel 'low' or 'dark'. I know it may sound a bit strange but you might find that when you eventually meet her, you meet her on a high with a kind of lightheartedness about you, based on you gathering specific thoughts.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

You don't sound neurotic at all, that phrase "you're too sensitive, you need to toughen up" is a big trigger for me too. Change the word sensitive to nice and there's my biggest trigger. I've always been conditioned to thinking the word "nice" is bad because it's often followed by a "but" in a dating sense in particular. Makes you feel that to be a nice guy is the wrong way to be or that it lacks character. I personally think being sensitive is as asset, there is such thing as being "too sensitive" but I think people who use these phrase to someone often lack compassion and emotional intelligence. Being sensitive is a bonus in my opinion as you can be sensitive to your own needs/wants/challenges etc but also to other people's needs and the way they act. I think it is a skill to be sensitive and in today's world the phrase "toughen up" is out dated. I think there's more strength and character to being sensitive. Probably does not make much sense I guess I just wanted to explain how I try to think of it when someone says a phrase like that, that sometimes helps.

I think that's good advice, I have been trying tell myself not to preempt the situation or how I may come across like you mentioned previously. I guess I am anxious to actually meet them because it's a different scenario to what I am used to, a lot of search for a partner if you can call it that has happened through online dating and the like which I feel immediately pressures the situation whereas this situation is something different which may be beneficial. I am just trying not to let my hope for something to happen over pressure me if that makes sense, I find it hard to manage.

Also I wanted to ask, and feel free if you are not comfortable answering as that is not my intention, but when you say you got out of your depression was it a certain moment/event that sort of flipped it for you or was it a slow process. When did you feel you were "out" of it or coming out the other side? Whilst I feel there is some progress I still feel like I'm stuck a bit in like a state of confusion as to where I am at with my life and I feel pressure not to feel this way. I don't know what I should do about this just feel a bit confused about this feeling and I guess lacking in fait that I'll get out of this rollercoaster.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I agree with you, there is so much to being sensitive, so many incredible skills and abilities to be developed through sensitivity. That phrase 'toughen up' is outdated, you're right. Given the amount of sensitive people in this world, I think the insensitive are finally outnumbered. We can see such sensitivity in the number of people in this world who are able to easily sense what's depressing and what's stress or anxiety inducing. The amount of people who rally against some injustice these days is impressive. They easily sense injustice and outdated systems and mindsets that don't support those who need and deserve support. The amount of people who are sensitive to the direction the earth is heading in is beginning to change things on a global scale. So many examples of sensitivity. This is one of the up sides of social media and other forums constructed for the sake of progress. Places for sensitive people to come together is something valuable.

My journey out of depression was triggered very suddenly. It was like a switch suddenly flicked. The trigger happened in post natal depression group therapy, not long after having my 2nd child. This was at the end of 15 or so years of being in a depression. By that stage, I'd given up all hope of ever coming out of it, so you can imagine my surprise and elation. I recall everyone in the group being asked for words that they felt best described them. The facilitator of the group wrote the words on a whiteboard. Words such as angry, sad, frustrated, lazy, control freak, resentful, pathetic, hopeless and so on began to accumulate on the board. I recall thinking 'All these words describe me perfectly'. How could that be, that we all had the same traits? And then it hit. These are not my traits, these are the traits of depression, the traits of the monkey on your back you could say. If these are the traits of depression itself, who am I without depression? The switch flicked with the revelation 'I have absolutely no idea who I am'. I always thought I knew who I was, based on a lot of accumulated beliefs. Who was I without all those beliefs? You could say it was a moment that suddenly wiped the slate clean.

Based on my experience, I'd recommend anyone who comes out of depression so suddenly seek guidance. Many who've been through such a sudden shift describe it as 'the moment the mind fully opens' and there are some serious challenges that come with this. Opening the mind gradually is far less intense 🙂

[Flower Earth angel]

can i pray for you

?

In Christian love

Christine

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

That would of been a very powerful moment I feel even if not immediately recognisable and I am really glad you had this moment and got through what would of been a hugely challenging time, you should be proud of yourself and who you are!

I have never really considered it that way until you mentioned it now. Thinking of it now I have definitely defined myself with these "depression traits" particularly throughout my adult life so far and along the way I have just accepted that is who I am and that I am ruled by these emotions as I have really struggled to manage them. The other element to that for me is pressure I feel to shake myself out of it and just do as people say and enjoy and relax but for whatever reason I have struggled to do this for a long time that I am almost conditioned to the opposite. I do struggle with this quite internally, I have always had the ability to "function" in spite of feeling this way which sort of gives people the impression I have no reason to feel a certain way if I ever try to bring it up. I do realise I have at least a couple things going for me but it seems a bit futile when I just feel fundamentally down and lonely.

One thing I do know for certain is speaking with you on here has woken me up and made me better understand the question of who exactly I am as a person and what makes me who I am in spite of feeling how I have described. Each bit of the advice you have given and different posts you have written has gradually set in on me and I thank you for so much for it because even if I feel at times in that hopeless position I have often gone back and read some of your posts and words of advice and it has allowed me to better understand what I am going through and how I can reframe and tackle the issue.

I know I may be stubborn to talk with as I feel things take a while to sink into me, I have even mentioned it to my doctor, but I try my best. I guess I go into these down periods because I struggle to find an answer for it much of the time its like I just fall off a cliff for a week right when I was feeling like progress was being made. It just tires me mentally and I feel it doesn't allow me to actually enjoy the good periods because I'm on edge about going down. My father said once sometimes I look too much for a reason why instead of moving forward.

I'm just anxious at the moment that these ups and then huge downs are going to plague my life when I don't want to go through this anymore its exhuasting

[Daniel12]

Hi Christine

Thanks a lot for your kind words

Daniel

[therising]

You're such a genuinely beautiful thoughtful person, which is one of the reasons it's such a pleasure to chat with you Daniel.

It was interesting in a lot of different ways, the months that followed coming out of my depression. As mentioned, at first it was like my mind just suddenly opened and the world was so incredibly different. Like a little kid, even the simplest things amazed me, including the realisation of how my name wasn't really me, in a way. I'd been answering to it for decades by that stage and in fact it was simply a word my parents picked for me, this little baby who came into the world. Then that's what everyone started calling me. I could go off tomorrow and legally change it and that wouldn't change who I am, as far as I'm concerned. People can identify me any way they choose, based on a name, the way I look, speak, think etc. How others identify me doesn't change who I truly am, deep down. Sure, I can be influenced by what some people say on occasion and that's okay, as long as I return/turn again to the me I best relate to, the me I've gradually come to love. The down moments can be the moments where I kind of forget myself. The up moments are the ones where I remember the me I love and accept.

The months that followed coming out of depression kind of showed me how life changed when I was little. While people around me were somewhat uncomfortable with fact I'd changed so much beyond depression, they never fully realised that what they'd begun to do was change me back. Gradually, bit by bit, I gave in to what made others happy and I forgot myself again, like when we're little and people convince us of the 'best' way to be in this world. I was blessed to have met an amazing guide in my life. He stopped me from returning to depression.

Just about all of us start off sensitive and open minded. A child's mind is incredibly fertile ground. You can lead a child to believe in just about anything. They're amazing little people. You could convince a 3yo you're a unicorn in disguise; the second you take your horn off you change into human form. If you tell them you keep your horn in the wardrobe, you can be guaranteed they'll go looking for this imaginary horn at some point 🙂

In my opinion, 2 of the most depressing things in life are - to lose an open mind and forget who you really are. Re-membering yourself is putting yourself back together. Go back far enough and you remember this amazing person who is you, before you became someone else.

[james1]

That's a really fantastic story and journey of coming out of depression therising. It sounds like you got a lot out of just thinking about who you really were, and started to look at the world and yourself quite differently. Thanks for sharing 🙂 And i totally agree that a child's mind is fantastic. I really love it when adults also have that imagination, like authors of children's books. I think it's really healthy for our minds to be able to see wonder in the world.

Daniel12, you really described well a feeling I've felt previously, and heard many others here describe as well, when you mentioned the anxiety and exhaustion from the ups and downs. You're absolutely spot on - it's really tough to enjoy the good periods when you're just waiting for the next bad thing to happen. I don't know if the frequency of bad things ever reduces - in some part, I guess we do roll the dice a bit in life - but one of the fantastic things I've seen in this chat you're having with therising is a desire to connect with other people, and to connect with ourselves. I really think that this connection with others and ourselves is what makes it easier to enjoy the good periods and learn to trust that things will be okay even if bad things happen.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Thanks for your kind words, do not underestimate the profound impact you have on me with your advice!

I think you made a great point about how when we are kids we can be convinced of things quite easily. I think I am conditioned or have been conditioned to sort of expect my life to run a linear path. Now, this is not to say my parents did not guide me down the correct paths because they have. It's a bit hard to explain but my Italian culture is one that theres a lot of pressure particularly on young males to get the right job not necessarily follow a dream and then to find a partner so we can have a family. The sentiment from my parents has always been the right one but its a sort of unspoken pressure that even when people say "it will happen when it happens no pressure from us" there's still this huge pressure to build this life.

At the moment I feel like I can't even tell if I have improved even 1% with trying work myself out, instead I feel there has been none because I always crash land into periods like this when I'm just lost. I feel overwhelming pressure to be "ok" because I have a good job, no real ailments that restrict my life significantly but yet I don't feel ok. I feel like my relationships or lack there of define who I am and I have worked hard to try and figure myself out but I'm just looking at it at the moment and I feel a bit all over the place. I'll have moments where I am seem to be fine and then I suddenly turn as I have mentioned.

The pressures which I mentioned above weigh heavily on me and I feel I'm fighting this internal/deeper battle on my own whilst trying to manage/satisfy these pressures. I have moments of deep aloneness where I really believe it defines who I am, someone who wants to genuinely connect with people but will never find their place.

I feel like I am ruled by societal pressures as well for a guy my age and the group I have grown up around I feel I'm lacking in any sort of attraction as a person and I fall short of what I should be doing. Like I see a lot of people my age around the summer going out with groups of friends and enjoying themselves and I spend most of my time doing my own stuff and I have never had a group where I belong. Probably seems a bit all over the place again I just feel like I'm lost again and I'll never find my way fully out of this.