Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost

[Daniel12]

Hello there I don’t usually do anything like this but I wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. I am a 25 yr old who on the surface should have everything under control as I have a good job, good family yet I increasingly feel like I don’t know what makes me who I am and often feel down and flat when trying to find answers. I know people have much more reason to be depressed than someone like myself but I just constantly felt flat and lost searching for how I am supposed to be and what makes me who I am.
I have been trying to find a partner which has been the source of countless rejection which is all part of it I know but often I’m left feeling like I’m quite a boring person with nothing really that interesting to tell anyone and I am confused as to how to act

I’m usually a quiet natured person but I feel this incredible pressure that I can’t be like that and I am confused as to where I am at with my life

it is difficult for me to put into words I guess it’s just a lost type of feeling of what my place is and who I am and I thought at 25 I might have an idea of this

I know my post hasn’t given a great deal to go off but if anyone has experienced similar at my age I’d be glad to hear what approach you took

thanks

[Daniel12]

Hi Hanna

Thanks for the advice, encouragement and support in both your posts I am very appreciative!

I have booked in another session with my doctor for when she returns from leave, I will continue to go to talk through some different areas.

I have 2 separate programs booked for the mixed sport which I did to lock myself in, I would never have booked it in past and I thought about it for a while without booking it because of anxiety so I guess that's a step. Now it is actually going for starters and then not being overcome with nerves or anxiousness and retreat into my head when I am there. That's where going alone makes me very anxious because I tend to use other people I'm with as the icebreakers to make me settle and relax so I feel a bit of pressure to not come across a bit weird because I am coming there on my own and I imagine others would be doing it with friends.

The snow trip is definitely an aim of mine, just for a weekend as I would like to learn to snowboard. I guess it's very foreign or seems unusual for me to do things on my own and I get a bit uncomfortable about it like I will be judged. I think the groups I have grown up around throughout my teenage and young adult years have shaped this in me as I see a lot of people have big groups of friends they could do things like this with or partners and I only really have ever had a very small number of what I would call true friends and even then there are hard to organise things with.

Yes I have heard of Jordan Peterson and have watched a few of his videos, he is somewhat controversial and whilst I am the same as you in that I don't agree with everything he says, there are some good messages behind things he says. I will read the book you mentioned!

Thanks again for your help and support!

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I guess it's a positive that I am open to doing some of the things I have mentioned and put myself out there in spite of being anxious about it. With meeting new people and being anxious like I said about eventually going to this mixed sport on my own, it may not make a lot of sense but the anxiousness I am feeling is about finding myself in a position where I sort of retreat into my shell and then feel depressed afterwards for doing this. As an extension to this I feel a bit anxious as to what people would think about a guy rocking up there on his own, I know in isolation this isn't a problem but it makes me extremely nervous. I guess the best way to describe it is anxiousness/worry in anticipation that I am going to be judged or that I am going to feel self-conscious and not show who I am. Interestingly it is not necessarily worry that I don't come across as a down to earth guy, it's worry that I won't allow myself to do this because of what I mentioned. Confusing I know haha

I have this book at home! My brother has read it, I have not yet read it but I think I will this year. My psychologist mentioned this bit of advice as well also in terms of helping me stay in the moment in interactions.

I think I have mentioned but your son sounds like he has a very good head on his shoulders! That is also a testament to yourself as he would be a product of the lessons and advice you have given him!

I struggle to see progress in myself at the moment even with the things I am trying to do and I'm probably not great at giving myself a break. I feel it is part of the culture I have been brought up in, not that I would change it for anything because I wouldn't. What I mean the traditions we have are old school and there is a lot of pressure on the ones my age to fit the ideal lifestyle that our parents want for us and had. It is sort of an expectation to move through like its a ladder, for example - go to school, go to uni/get a job, get a girlfriend, get married, have kids. I struggle sometimes with the weight of the pressure as the girlfriend aspect doesn't look like it will happen anytime soon and I get constantly reminded of it therefore I struggle to find time to allow myself to realise any personal development and therefore feels like there is none. I am not sure if that makes sense at all I struggle to explain it without feeling guilt that I am ungrateful for my upbringing.

[Hanna3]

Hi Daniel

I think it's great that you're trying these new things and sure you'll be a bit nervous at first, that's completely normal,but you'll gradually relax as you get to know people.

The Rising's suggestion of the Dale Carnegie book is a good one as I remember reading it years ago and thought it was excellent. Peterson's video about dealing with social anxiety by focusing on the other person is helpful too. Yes I don't agree with him on many things but his general advice on life and relationships I think is very sound.

It sounds like you're making a great effort to engage in some new ventures so well done you! I know it's not easy but it gets easier the more you do it.

Give yourself some credit for what you are achieving so far!

🙂

[Hanna3]

Hi Daniel

I think covid has made things very difficult for you in terms of social mixing, it has for me too as I moved to a new area just before the pandemic started!

So here are some random ideas of things that you could do/join to make friends and particularly meet girls. I used to make friends through work and they've been mostly life long friendships but you're unfortunate in that you've mentioned your work colleagues are much older than you, which is a shame. So some ideas for after-work activities, and apologies if you've tried some already: (& I don't know how much covid will still affect them over the next year, let's hope things will improve) :

Rotaract clubs (these are great)

Church Fellowship Groups (also good!)

Toastmasters (also very good)

Dance school/classes (always short of guys! )

Buddhist meditation classes (good for over thinking and anxiety & you meet people)

Cooking classes (I used to meet lovely guys learning to cook)

Amateur theatre groups (you don't have to act, they need people to help with all sorts of things and I've had great times in these groups)

Art classes

Birdwatching group

Bush walking groups

Swim club

Local political group

Evening classes

Art painting groups (who often paint outdoors)

Dog walking groups

Local CES group or volunteer fire brigade

St John Ambulance classes

Language classes (I did Italian, lots of nice young people who often needed it for their work and we used to have meals together for fun and practice)

I hope these might give you some ideas.

Good luck 🙂

[therising]

Hi Daniel

You don't sound at all ungrateful for your upbringing. I think we can be very grateful yet still feel some lacking in certain areas. I can relate to this, as I was raised within a good family but there were certain things lacking that could have made life easier. One of the areas lacking involved social development in some ways, which is why social development can be a challenge for me at times. If we, as a family, were very social people I wouldn't feel an ounce of stress or elements of difficulty when it comes to interacting/conversing with new people I meet. I would be used to it. Fact is, I was raised by parents who weren't terribly confident people themselves and who never socialised to the extent some families do.

As your life begins to take off in different directions, I believe your sense of humor may serve you well on occasion. I imagine you're grateful to have your dad's sense of humor. I think one of the most challenging things to do is not take our self seriously. To develop the ability to make fun of (out) our self in an amusing beneficial way is not a bad thing. It's something that can even break the ice on occasion. By the way, when people are making fun of us and we're not laughing, it's not actually fun. Typically it's degradation we're experiencing. When I think of 'the class clown', they don't care how crazy they look to others, balancing a text book on top of their head while the teacher has their back to the class. They just love using themself to amuse people. They love giving people a laugh, as it creates joy.

Just say, for example, you take some entertaining soccer skills into the all sports arena. I'll pick volley ball. While something in you may say, before a game starts, 'Do a particular trick with the ball to make people laugh', the challenge would involve following through with that bit of inspiration. Imagine you do follow through and folk laugh. You've then established yourself as 'a fun loving guy', who loves making people laugh. The clown in you makes friends.

I think there's a part of us that says, in certain challenging social situations, 'This is serious! You can't afford to stuff this up' while there can be another part of us that says 'This is not meant to be so serious. Just relax'. Listening to that part of us that holds the best advice can take a lot of practice. Creating an arena for practice is significant.

Taking theory and putting it into practice will help determine which strategies work best 🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I can relate to this family aspect that you mention with socialising as well. Not that my parents are antisocial but I would say that by nature particularly my fathers side we are very polite people but more reserved people. I would say my parents stick to the family and probably don’t care to be overly social apart from the family events.

I think this has definitely spilled over into my adult life as I get anxious going to new events or parties where there is people I don’t know because of a fear of how I will
be perceived or that the perception of me will be that I’m a weird quiet guy and I won’t be accepted. I admire those who are able no matter whether they are extroverted or introverted to go to such events and not care how they may be perceived or whether they are liked, this has been a hard habit to break free of for me as growing up not feeling truly socially accepted I feel leaves me vulnerable to being anxious about things liked the mixed sport event I signed up for but I need to not let it stop me from going.

I think you make a great point about the humour and be able to laugh at yourself. I think it comes across endearing mostly. I feel this is probably the best way I have been able to break the ice in the past most likely as I’ve mentioned because I think if there is one thing I might be able to do naturally well I’d use my fathers wit. For myself it’s very much conditioned to the dialogue in my head I believe. What I mean is, I have found when I’m in moments where I’m not particularly thinking overly hard that side of me naturally comes out in my own way without having to be loud or larger than life. When I start having those periods when I’m out somewhere where I’m consumed by thought whilst I’m interacting I either retreat into my shell completely or I try go the other way and fight through it but I feel incredibly uncomfortable and unsatisfied with myself afterwards.

It sounds really bizarre I’m sure but I feel like I know I’m quiet natured, a little shy but not to a bad extent I think it’s a natural shyness, but often what happens is and I suspect it may happen at this mixed sport night is that in my head I’m saying “say something or you look weird because you’re just listening” or “you have to say something you’re boring”. I don’t want this to happen again that’s what makes me anxious.

[Daniel12]

Hi Hanna

Thanks for all the suggestions I really appreciate it and you did not have to provide that so you are very kind!

I had heard about toastmasters, and my sisters wedding is coming March and I was thinking of learning to dance but I have no one to dance with at the wedding. I may still try it though with cooking as well at some point.

I have been given a job as a coach at my soccer club for the reserve team as I had to stop playing due to an injury which might help me break out of my shell potentially.

Thanks again and hope you are well

Daniel

[therising]

Hi Daniel

It can be hard to channel the conversationalist in us at times, depending on a variety of circumstances such as if we're tired, disinterested, fearful, low in self-esteem, not practiced in channeling this aspect of us etc. I think the conversationalist in us tends to come to life more so when there's a 'hook', when something hooks our interest. Then that's something we can run with. An example of a hook, for you, could involve someone saying to me 'Do you like soccer?', to which my response would be 'While I admire those who play, I really don't know much about it to tell you the truth'. If you were present, the conversationalist in you may suddenly come to life with 'What would you like to know about it?', based on your experience. The challenge can sometimes involve letting the conversationalist in us come to life and not push it back down out of fear. Fear might involve 'I fear she will think I'm a know-it-all when it comes to soccer' or 'I fear she'll be bored by what I say'. For some, they fear an entire group of people looking at them, all at the same time. For someone who fears a lot of attention, this can be a major challenge.

How to keep a conversation going is a tough challenge. If someone says 'Oh, soccer doesn't really interest me', the natural conversationalist in you might then ask 'What are some of your interests?'. It's always much easier if someone picks an interest you want to know more about or have always been curious about. Getting others to talk about their passions means they'll carry most of the conversation. People typically love talking about their passion/s. For some, you just can't stop them 🙂 I smile when I think of the conversationalist in me who may say at times 'Okay, enough of the 20 questions, it looks like you're grilling that person for information' 🙂 You might have noticed elderly people have that 20 questions thing going. They may meet a complete stranger and before you know it, they've discovered what suburb that person lives in, what their passions are and how many kids they have. I think the conversationalist comes to life more over time.

Personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with being a listener in some cases. I've had people say to me before 'You don't say much', to which my response has been 'You people are thoroughly amusing/fascinating. I can't help but listen'. Adding a smile to such a response can lead us to be welcomed into a group, in the process of coming to know them better.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising


Thinking about what you said about the conversationalist within us, it’s definitely learning to ignore the fear like you mentioned that I have struggled managing. It’s more so before I even open my mouth, once I may start I usually fumble my way through it if it’s with people I’m unfamiliar with. I admire your skill to ask all different types of questions to people and trigger thought which you have been able to do with me and I know you would be thoroughly engaging to speak with just by our conversations on this forum!


I have to admit that I am more introverted by nature but I believe I am an introverted extrovert. I would say my default setting is to listen first, speak later but I always try to be polite. If I think about it further and the internal dialogue I’ve mentioned to you that plays in my head in these situations is centred around anxiousness of how I will be perceived. This comes from when I was a kid at school as well, at some point I started this pattern of worry about if I was to be myself how I would be perceived. Ive particularly struggled with this in my young adult life because I feel immense pressure to fit a certain mould of person because of the group I grew up around.


I guess I feel that the listening first type of persona just makes me fundamentally underwhelming to speak to so when I do talk people aren’t that interested. I don’t feel that I am a particularly interesting or engaging person as I can sense people divert attention when I talk. I struggle to see redeeming features in myself socially a lot of the time and what would be attractive to a potential partner.


The mixed sport is a perfect example of where I’ll feel I’ll be anxious about coming across weird as I am on my own, the tape has already started playing :I
The other situation is potentially meeting my friends girlfriends friend (mouthful haha) as he said I probably would get along. The anxiousness associated with this is the pressure to be interesting or likeable to this person and then trying to allow myself to relax but I fear I’ll just make a mess of it.


Thanks again for continuing to persist with me and reply despite the circles I go in haha I am very appreciative!

[therising]

Hi Daniel

Don't sweat the going around in circles stuff. I do it myself, quite often. You could see as a loop the loop thing until things begin to become a little more 'straight forward'. It's like revelations can be coming in here and there while you're going around in circles and gradually the revelations start to set you straight at some point. I might have mentioned it before, how it's kind of like going 'round in circle as you're graduating upward at the same time. Things become a little more clearer each time we circle around. Things have already become clearer to you. You know when the social challenges started (in school), you know how they started (the process of looking for acceptance/trying to fit in) and you know how they feel to some degree. They feel anxiety inducing/stressful. You're even more conscious of some of the triggers. You know this much so far and that's progress. You're becoming more conscious as you're going around. I know, hard to maintain faith in the process of becoming more conscious when it feels like you're not really getting anywhere.

Easier said than done but try not to predict or plan how things are going to go with this girl. She could end up being someone who vibes on exactly the same level as you. She might be someone who relates to similar challenges and perspectives in life. It will be interesting to see.

I've found, sometimes being honest with people can be a bit of an ice breaker. We could find our self in a room full of strangers, honestly admitting to the person beside us 'To tell you the truth, this feels a little stressful. I'm not used to coming to these kinds of events on my own'. Sometimes that person beside you may admit the same thing or perhaps say 'I used to feel that way myself until I looked at it this way...'. So, we can pick up a new tip on how to manage such an occasion. Strange when you think about it but we're not really encouraged to be so honest. More than anything we're told to keep our thoughts to our self and 'act tough' or confident. It can be a real challenge to be openly honest about how we're feeling.

Keep your mind open to revelations. They come in for good reason. Inspiring revelations take you in a particular direction. An open mind is key.

🙂