Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost

[Daniel12]

Hello there I don’t usually do anything like this but I wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. I am a 25 yr old who on the surface should have everything under control as I have a good job, good family yet I increasingly feel like I don’t know what makes me who I am and often feel down and flat when trying to find answers. I know people have much more reason to be depressed than someone like myself but I just constantly felt flat and lost searching for how I am supposed to be and what makes me who I am.
I have been trying to find a partner which has been the source of countless rejection which is all part of it I know but often I’m left feeling like I’m quite a boring person with nothing really that interesting to tell anyone and I am confused as to how to act

I’m usually a quiet natured person but I feel this incredible pressure that I can’t be like that and I am confused as to where I am at with my life

it is difficult for me to put into words I guess it’s just a lost type of feeling of what my place is and who I am and I thought at 25 I might have an idea of this

I know my post hasn’t given a great deal to go off but if anyone has experienced similar at my age I’d be glad to hear what approach you took

thanks

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Not sure if what I am about to say will resonate with you or not but given you mentioned the freedom of choice I thought I'd mention an analogy of sorts that I was told once that I think can make us extremely anxious & depressed.

Basically, imagine there are two doors that lead to two different rooms. The first room is filled with colour & decorated nicely & filled with all sorts of technology, books, sporting equipment and the list goes on giving you an endless choice of what you have do in this room at any given moment. The second room is much more stripped back, basic colour/decoration & plain, has a couple of books on the coffee table and a tv that just has standard channels. I believe if you are to go into the room of "endless choice" your anxiety will heighten as there is so much freedom of choice as to what to do that you are never satisfied with the one thing and have to move on, this I believe can lead into a depression as hoping from one thing to the next to the next without taking a breath can be seriously mentally taxing and you never really move forward with any of those things.

If you were to enter into the room of "little choice" I believe you are automatically less anxious as you really have "no choice" other than to do the simple things.

Therefore, I believe with the year you are taking off you may feel at times that there is so much choice or option as to what you can do or want to do but it sounds like you have dialled into one focus at a time which I think will serve you greatly! As you move through the year I have no doubt you will find strengths that you may have either felt you lost or hadn't fully discovered!

I hope my example makes sense as I am basically saying strip it back and go one step at a time regardless of the endless choices we have in todays world, which although is a good thing can also be depression/anxiety inducing.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

Again, I am deeply grateful. Again, you've opened my mind further, allowing me to see what I couldn't see before. I relate to the rooms and how overwhelming the one with so much in it is. I definitely need to simplify. For me, the busy room is full of people more than anything else. There are so many people in it expecting things of me. While expressing their appreciation (which they don't need to, as I know they appreciate what I do for them), they also feel the need to express their disappointment when I'm not serving them in ways they might need. Whether I hear about the disappointment straight from them or I hear it second hand, so often I witness disappointment of some type. This pushes me to work harder, spread myself thinner. You mention the busy room being anxiety inducing and depressing and this is the way it's beginning to feel. I've been trying to discipline myself amidst some form of 'all over the place' kind of chaos.

I realise, no one other than myself is going to set me up in a simple room. I'm going to have to discipline myself in keeping it simple. This is a challenge I'm up for 😊. Thanks to you, I realise I'm in the wrong room to begin with. I now step back and choose the door that will serve me best in so many different ways.

Thanks Daniel. I feel a great sense of relief all of a sudden, while also feeling thoroughly inspired as I begin this new much simpler stage of my life. You're an inspiration.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I am glad you can relate to what I was saying as I probably didn't do the best job of articulating it so I am happy you could draw something from it, which I think you were on the path to working through yourself anyway! I probably am not the greatest example of practicing what I preach I just remember that example as something my father has mentioned in the past and I find it explains a lot of stresses we can have as when there is "less on our plates" we seem to be naturally less anxious/stressed/depressed. 

It is something I am trying to practice doing more now, after my most recent disappointment in terms of finding a life partner I figure I might need to change something not necessarily about my actions but more so about trying to strip back my life & reduce pressure. I deleted my dating apps for example as something I figured I can eliminate from my life for the time being and just go to work, soccer, the gym, read books, go out to dinner with my few close friends if they are free and not really over exert my efforts to find someone.

I feel like it's a good change but also might be shutting myself off to the dating world I guess given the disappointment and confusion of the last experience where I think deep down there was a genuine connection/compatibility. I'd like to hope maybe one day it could re-spark but I am realistic about the chances of that, I do believe that there is a higher power at work in our lives so if it's meant to be it will happen but I guess I am struggling with feeling like I can't talk to this person and it's something I've never felt before to be honest.

Then I feel stupid in myself for sort of having a blind hope about it I guess, I am working to move forward each day in spite of this

[therising]

Hi Daniel

With the practicing what we preach aspect, I'm a shocker at times. While certain good practices may come to mind, I won't necessarily practice what works until...you guessed it...I've got no choice. There's that 'no choice' factor, as a motivator.

I also think we can eventually reach some goal or point we're heading for when someone comes along and fast tracks us. The feeling of being fast tracked is a great feeling. It holds within it joy, excitement, great relief and so much more. Acknowledge your fast tracking ability in the lives of others. Sometimes it's so much easier to have a vision for others while seemingly impossible to conjure up a vision for our self. I put it down to...an objective view is like a birds eye view. So, while I'm stuck not seeing the forest for the trees, you (from your viewpoint) can see where I'm at, the trees, the forest, the paths within it, what I need that's within close proximity and all the possible pitfalls I face if I keep heading along the same path I'm on. A fast tracker is someone who can call out to you 'Turn left' or 'turn right' or 'I can see where you're heading. Don't go that way' etc.

I'm a great believer in the powers that be, whatever they are. I love how certain moments in life hold some kind of magic. Synchronicity is a favourite. How things come together perfectly in a moment to give you exactly what you need or have been longing for is amazing when you notice it. While some would say 'That's just coincidence', my response is 'Why would you choose to not see the magic in that?'. Life starts off as kind of magical for most of us. The sky is awesome, the flowers are awesome, the way someone makes our wish can come true after we've blown out the candles on our birthday cake is awesome etc etc. Life appears to us as amazing and incredible. Then things begin to change to some degree and we can spend years searching for our lost ability to be easily amazed. While one person writes synchronicity off as 'sheer coincidence' and another is in awe of it, one misses the magic they may be longing to return to while the other has returned to being able to see it.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I’d like to think there is some plan for me and if I stay patient it will unfold, potentially in ways I can’t even imagine but my hope/faith wavers quite a bit day to day.

That leads me to ask for a bit of advice I suppose, it completely fine if what I am about to say makes no sense as well I guess I’m just struggling a bit at the moment to come to grips with certain thoughts and emotions and I am struggling to find an outlet to talk about it with.

Basically, I may have briefly mentioned I met someone and that ended it in a way that caught me off guard given the compatibility seemed to be at its highest when she decided to cut ties. 
I have never really had the feeling of something just feeling “right” when I’ve met someone in the past and it’s be a couple months since we last spoke (where I tried to genuinely just put to her that I’d be open to continue getting to know her given my positive opinion etc) and I can’t seem to get her out of my head.

This feels very different to past failures with dating where I think I was more grieving the loss of an “idea” of being with xyz person but this time I genuinely miss or feel like the feelings I am experiencing is about her as a person not the idea of her. 
I know I can’t really reach out and part of the reason I deleted my dating apps was to just give myself some space from it all and try to see if I can just naturally meet someone. 

I have been trying to just focus on upskilling at work, going to the gym, my coaching at soccer and just trying to work on my anxieties and insecurities.

I guess what I’m struggling with is there’s a battle everyday in the back of my head where I have an urge to act and try pursue this girl but then I think if it’s meant to be she’ll find her way back. 
I feel utterly ridiculous going through this and I’ve never experienced this sort of strongly about a person and it’s making anxious to even attempt to put myself out there. I sort of just want to talk to her but I feel like I’d already look stupid to her so

would only make it worse.

Am I stupid or ridiculous for feeling this way? Makes me feel like all this work I’ve tried to put in hasn’t done anything or I haven’t improved. 
is there ways I can move forward or am I doing things already? Sorry if it makes no sense I’m just confused

[therising]

Hi Daniel

None of what you say sounds ridiculous, it's perfectly understandable and relatable. With that old saying 'Find the tribe you vibe with', sometimes we can meet individual members who lead us to feel great about who we are. Whether we stay connected to them or not, they've managed to show us the kind of person or people we need to look for in the future, as opposed to the kind of people we choose to settle for instead. 

Simply sending her a text, 'Feel like catching up over coffee' or something like that could be one way to go. If she feels the text as a pull at her heartstrings or not, at least you've put it out there. If you look at it as 1) simply a text message and 2) simply as an invitation for coffee, might be a tiny bit less stressful. Her response or lack of it will give you an answer as to whether reconnecting is a possibility. If part of your goal is to put your mind at ease, one way or another, this could be one way to go.

I think we're always changing in some way, evolving beyond who we once believed our self to be. Sometimes it's just not all that obvious. Some of the things you may have learned over time

• I am someone who has the ability to feel deeply, who's in the process of mastering my ability to feel. Not everyone has the ability to feel so deeply and so easily. Some folk are just plain insensitive and proud of it
• I am someone who is a fast tracker and a visionary for another/others
• I am someone who's knows the type of partner I'm looking for
• I am someone who holds leadership abilities. Soccer coaching is proof of that
• I am a seeker of guidance. I am a philosopher of sorts. I am an occasional risk taker

etc etc

I bet, at the age of 20, you would never have believed this is who you truly are but here you are having found the truth. Sometimes the truth reveals itself over time. Have faith, more truths are yet to come.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Thanks for your advice, I have thought about what you mentioned about reaching out and I figure that’s how I would try if I was to. 
I guess I just feel a bit ashamed of myself given like what I’ve had previously to her. Unsure if I should feel that way though.

Basically after she unexpectedly pulled the pin I just respected her honesty etc and gave her space for a few weeks and had a think about it and given the randomness of it and given how well it was going I thought it was worth the effort to jsut send her a message saying genuinely that given things were going well I think it’s worth the effort to just see if she’d be open to reopening things in future etc and if I had place pressure on situation I’m not sure. 
I didn’t really expect that to do anything I just felt I’d regret it if I didn’t try. I just feel ashamed for doing it because maybe I’m desperate for doing that even though that’s not what I intended?

So basically that makes me sort of just “wait” to see if she ever comes to me rather than taking a step to reach out in time.

Its hard I’ve never felt like someone could actually be “my person” and I feel silly about it given the context and just struggling to talk about it.

I guess I have become more self aware but maybe I have made any real progress

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I think it's interesting when we find our person or type of people. It becomes a real wake up call in a lot of different ways. Can wake us up to our own nature, 'I had no idea I liked those things until I met that person/those people'. Can wake us up to the fact we have a type of person or a particular type of tribe we vibe with, which can help explain why we don't necessarily click with others. Can wake us up to how we may have outgrown our old tribe in some ways, for a variety of reasons. We can even be woken up to experience feelings we may never have imagined existing. Once you've felt them, the longing to feel them again can become intense. Wake up calls can be seriously tough at times, especially when it's only in hindsight that we understand what those calls were telling us. Whether it be in the moment or through hindsight, either way we're waking up and that indicates growth.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I think you're right and maybe something I am only just learning now in my life.

Thanks again for the words of wisdom, advice and support, you are a gem! Sorry for the lack of clarify/coherence in my posts sometimes I get scrambled and probably seem a bit weird sometimes but I am learning to live with it I guess haha

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Bit of a random message but I just wanted to properly say thank you for your ongoing support, checking in and advice over a long period of time.

Have been having a think lately and I know my issues are not really that big compared to what many others struggle through I guess I have troubles with self doubt & questioning and really being scared to act because fear of people perceiving me the wrong way or doing the wrong thing so I end up getting stuck in a holding pattern.

For example, whether to reach out to this girl again in my brain seems illogical given she's probably not given me a second thought but then my heart tells me to try but I have before. 

This is commonly the struggle I have, if only I had a set rule to live by I guess on what side to follow as it mentally exhausts me and I am conscious of taking up peoples time with my so called problems.

So basically wanted to say your advice and support has really been a beacon of hope for me and your words always have a way of calming me down which I am grateful for.

Should you ever need my support I am here!