Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost

[Daniel12]

Hello there I don’t usually do anything like this but I wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. I am a 25 yr old who on the surface should have everything under control as I have a good job, good family yet I increasingly feel like I don’t know what makes me who I am and often feel down and flat when trying to find answers. I know people have much more reason to be depressed than someone like myself but I just constantly felt flat and lost searching for how I am supposed to be and what makes me who I am.
I have been trying to find a partner which has been the source of countless rejection which is all part of it I know but often I’m left feeling like I’m quite a boring person with nothing really that interesting to tell anyone and I am confused as to how to act

I’m usually a quiet natured person but I feel this incredible pressure that I can’t be like that and I am confused as to where I am at with my life

it is difficult for me to put into words I guess it’s just a lost type of feeling of what my place is and who I am and I thought at 25 I might have an idea of this

I know my post hasn’t given a great deal to go off but if anyone has experienced similar at my age I’d be glad to hear what approach you took

thanks

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I have never really thought of it the way you described in terms of impressing ourselves with the answer to a question like "what do you do outside of work?". I can relate because I thought about what you said and the feeling I have around it is, an this is where I sort of beat myself up, I think "gee that's really boring" when I try to think of an answer, so I guess what I am saying is the inevitable internal dialogue I have is, "well if I can't think of something interesting on my own then who on earth would find me interesting". Sorry if that makes no sense again, part of my many problems at the moment is my rationale and thought process seems to change halfway through the thought itself.

I am glad that you had a good time with your daughter's boyfriends and it pleases me that you seem to have dealt with your fears/anxiousness well with them.

I was explaining to my psychologist today I just feel stuck, not even entirely sure why I feel stuck and if I am being completely honest I am scared/fearful of judgement from people and I can physically feel myself holding back from even attempting to be natural. I told her I feel ashamed of myself because I feel like I am operating at like 15% of what I COULD be capable of. I have got marginally better around family in that I can function normally I suppose but it's not normal for me, internally I feel sick to my stomach about myself. I struggle to sleep because I can't turn off for example or I am just restless.

I don't know if you have experienced this also but I could be sitting with a couple friends and be relatively ok and then all of sudden I have a negative thought or even just a thought in general and I can physically feel a wave of like depression or whatever it is overcome me and then I am lost to the rest of the discussion with my friends. Part of the shame as well is I feel I am intelligent enough to know what I am thinking is generally irrational and the things people say I have going for is there but there is a big disconnect between knowing this and believing it if that makes sense.

Despite some of the feelings I describe I feel like just maybe I am scratching the surface of dealing with some long term issues I have always had, I do really wish I could be comfortable in the moments, I don't think or expect I'll ever be completely 100% comfortable at all times or ever but I really want to get to some sort of manageable level otherwise it will kill me to continue how I am.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I sometimes wonder whether the 'self interest' factor comes down to the fact I don't channel those parts of myself that thrive on what could be deemed as interesting. What I mean is if I channeled the part of myself that would thrive on adventure, that part of me would lead me through my experiences to report in conversation about the things I've explored. If I channeled the part of me that would lead me to explore more social opportunities, I imagine I would participate in a variety of social opportunities while strengthening my social skills. Given the parts of me that I do tend to channel quite a bit (the mother in me, the part time worker, the home body/recluse and so on), I find there's not all that much to talk about. Nothing wrong with these facets of myself, as they can serve me well at times, they're simply not compelling conversation starters.

I think sometimes it can come down to exploring why we can't channel the more interesting parts of our self, what stops us from making that connection with them. Is it a money factor (not being able to fund exploration), is it a fear or self esteem factor, is it a lack of vision (not being able to clearly see the way forward), a lack of inspiration based on us not being able to tap into inspiration for some reason, a lack of experience/exercise? Can involve a long list of possible reasons worth exploring. Figuring out the reasons can mark the beginning of great progress. Can take a lot of time and work when it comes to better understanding and developing who we naturally are. Remove the blocks or what stops us, one by one, and we grow closer.

Can relate to a single sentence of internal dialogue flicking a kind of switch from one mood to another. The thing is my mood will only change if I begin to believe the sentence that comes to mind. If I'm in a solidly good place mentally and emotionally and what suddenly comes to mind is 'This is another person you've let down', I won't believe it, especially when the next thought is 'I simply don't have the free time to offer that person and that's not my fault'. But in a basically good frame of mind (not solid or unshakable), it's much easier for that switch to be flicked. 'This is another person you've let down' could be followed with 'I'm hopeless. Why can't I help that person? What's wrong with me?'. The more destructive sentences that follow, the more believable the dialogue can become. The volume of dialogue can go on to shift the mood even further.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I guess I don't have the skills to channel the right part of myself at the moment as you mention, this is something I need help with and to learn I feel. It probably starts with even working out whether I have different parts of myself to channel which at the moment I don't feel I do at all. So most likely for me it is a beat down sense of self esteem and lack of hope that I pick myself up again during this latest period of depression if thats what I can call it.

I have been able to find a bit of courage/strength to pick myself up and go again in the past but this latest period seems like all the lights in the tunnel are off if that makes sense and I cannot see any end of sight. The waves of changing moods like I mentioned is exactly how you describe and it has extended to my sleep, I cannot sleep any significant period of time at night and I just seem to be lying there thinking. Sometimes it's not even thinking it's turned into sitting there in just sort of feeling nothing at all.

Feelings have turned to a shame if I am honest, I feel like a failure. I have no excuse to be this way, I am privileged compared to others, my parents have supported me and set me up in my life and I am ashamed I can't fulfil any sort of potential.

I also feel sorry to everyone I speak to to, even on this thread, for continuing to take up people's times while I am like this and frustrating everyone around me because I can't seem to pick myself up. I am sorry for long winded posts on here but I appreciate greatly your patience

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I imagine there have been times in your life where you may have thought 'I had no idea I had that in me'. Could have seen you acting out of character at certain times. Even if a part of you came to life or light for a matter of minutes, in order to get you through something challenging, there's no denying it was there. There can be so many aspects of our self waiting for the right moment. Until then, we may face the parts of us that are fully alive, in everyday life. There may be the worrier, the stresser, the pessimist etc.

I imagine there will come a time where you'll look back and say 'I completely understand how I came to face depression. It makes perfect sense'. Until then, there's the temptation to say 'There's no real reason why I should be depressed'. As we run through a list of all we're grateful for, such as a good family, a good upbringing, a good education etc, the list of depressing things that can outweigh that list can be more impacting at certain times in our life.

What fuels depression is...all things depressing. May sound logical but the list can be a massive one with certain factors perhaps not considered. While trauma and it's complexities can obviously fuel depression, some factors that are not so obvious may be depressing inherited traits or social conditioning, a depressing level of sleep deprivation, a depressing form of iron or b12 deficiency, a seriously depressing diet, a depressing lack of energy and so on. A biggy is definitely a depressing level of low self esteem. We won't necessarily feel low self esteem until it gets to depressing levels. While all of these things can impact how our chemistry behaves, the depressing internal dialogue can also become a major factor. While these offer a mental and physical take on depression, there's also the natural side of things. Naturally, we're not designed to function well with what's depressing us.

While I tried to manage the guilt that can come with being depressed, what I eventually came to realise was all those things I was grateful for (in my upbringing) didn't stop me from experiencing depression. It was beyond these things that my depression was experienced, based on a number of factors. Easier said than done but don't beat yourself up for being able to feel what is depressing. If anything, give yourself credit for trying to get to the bottom of it all while you're trying hard to manage it.

Things will gradually come to light.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Thanks for all your wise advice and sorry I am frustrating to talk with, I can understand how my parents must feel I’m like a brick wall it seems.

The concerning thing for me is I feel like I don’t have anything left in me where I can surprise myself.

I feel like my life is like going through emotional torture from the moment I get up to the moment I fall asleep but even then I can’t sleep anymore.

People I date for 6/7months move on after a week like I was nothing to them and I’m not surprised anymore.

Ive never amounted to anything for anyone in that way, sure I have my family and I don’t want to sound ungrateful because that fuels my depression and guilt as well but I know they’ll never desert me.

It’s the fact that I’ve never positively impacted someone outside of that whether it’s dating or in general. I feel I always come across as weird in the end.

If I wasn’t who I was I could have made things work in the past but because I am the way I am I doubt everything and I am scared to let go and it cripples my life and then I have to go through the emotional anguish for months on end after it all.

I have no one to blame but myself, it’s all me I’m not strong enough or have enough courage to change, I can never relax and I’ve let this black hole of emotion take over me and I can’t get any sense that anything I do is worth the effort anymore. I hate myself for 99% of the days. I try my best to fake it around my family but internally I hate myself

[therising]

Daniel

Despite what you think and how depression and your perspective lead you to feel, you are lovable and you are impacting in such thoughtful ways. I know this because I find you easily lovable and impacting.

I see the overwhelming struggle you face, in my younger self. I see some of the challenges you face in a way that reminds me of my son's struggles in the past (esp regarding self image and self esteem). I see how he and I are very different from who we used to be. The people we used to be were people who didn't believe we could change or life could change. We didn't believe we were 'normal' enough to be 'acceptable'. We went through the process that included all those horrible questions, 'What's wrong with me? Why am I so hopeless? Why am I not good enough?' etc. They can be such depressing questions Daniel and they can start to mess with your head. Be incredibly careful when it comes to how dark the questioning can become. It can become seriously dark. If it gets so dark you just can't manage on your own, you need to speak to someone, perhaps your aunt. Don't trust yourself to cope with the questioning alone. This is something I learned over time. Finding someone who can shine a light on the way forward and/or on why such questioning has come to be is an absolute must.

I found, what's unrelatable will not work, in changing my perspective. Can take time to find what we can best relate to. You will find it. Myself, I finally related to my sensitivity and quirkiness through aspects of spirituality (non religious). My son felt liberated through being able to relate to being on the autism spectrum (at the high functioning end). It was such a relief for him, as it explained so much. He's also quite proud of the fact he's more neurodivegent, as opposed to being neurotypical. He doesn't like being 'typical'. He's actually come to see being labeled as 'typical' to be a bit of an insult. Some people finally relate to their struggles through the realisation they've been surrounded by depressing and/or degrading people the whole of their life. Their self esteem has been shot to hell through the manipulation of narcissists, for years. Some people relate to how depressing not being able to let go of certain things can become, the things that keep them down. Finding relatable ways of letting go is what leads them to rise to their potential, toward who they truly are.

You're not frustrating, at all. I just haven't given you anything you can fully relate to yet.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Firstly, you have shown and given me plenty of relatable experiences and advice. It is more so that I am the problem, I can relate to the majority of what you have told me and the support yourself and many others have given me on this thread and that is why I keep coming back to annoy everyone I guess but I feel like there is a chemical imbalance in my mind that doesn't allow me to act on all the advice and I ultimately lack courage as a person.

I am genuinely happy for your son always, it speaks to his character that he can rationalise and see his self-worth the way you describe and I genuinely admire him for that as I did not have those skills at his age and it will only hold him in good stead for the future.

I had a complete meltdown after my soccer game Saturday night and since then the thinking and questioning has been as dark as I can remember and was all triggered by a small moment. I realised that I have never truly felt like I belong apart from within the 4 four walls of my family. I realise this is a lot more than what others have as there are many others who aren't as privileged to have the family environment that I have had in my life but this is not the belonging I am speaking of.

I realised how stupid I was to think that this girl I was seeing for 6/7 months that eventually had to move away for work spelling the end of the relationship ever truly liked me when she can move on in about 2 weeks. I realised just how weak of an individual I am that I am crippled with regret and disappointment over the situation and others can just move on (mind you this has happened a few times not just on this occasion). It is me and my anxiety, fear and self esteem that causes this and it's why it never works, the people they move on with seem so much more relaxed and in the end I don't blame people anymore. I am not going to find that missing connection I have been looking for, I feel myself retreating further and further away from people.

Thinking about what you say about about some people experiencing their self esteem being shot to hell, this is where I am at and I think I have been there without realising it for a very long time. I feel like I am disconnecting from living, not only do I feel like this socially it's now manifesting at home around my family. I feel I have nothing left to say, nothing left to contribute to anything or anyone in a meaningful way so I just stay quiet and try my best to look "ok".

[therising]

Hi Daniel

While it was an overwhelming and shocking thought, which I imagined shocked you in many ways, the sudden realisation that came after the soccer match is a massive breakthrough. I've found not all revelations are unicorn and rainbow kind of things, that's for sure. Some are brutal and in the moment can feel so incredibly soul destroying yet they remain significant revelations nonetheless. They are telling revelations that can tell us a lot. They're 'Now I know what and the intensity of what I'm working with' kind of revelations. Wake up calls are often alarming, which is why/how they wake us up. Before they sound, we may only be semi conscious, not fully awake.

A couple of mine came only within the last year

1. I suddenly woke up to realise that when I was young I was never really loved by my family in a lot of ways. In fact, my mum, sister and my brother all resented me to some degree. You see, my dad spoiled me rotten when I was a kid. I started off fine and then he spoiled that be giving me just about anything I wanted so he'd feel good about himself and how much I cared about him. My mum wasn't allowed to discipline me, otherwise she'd be left feeling his wrath (verbally), while fearing he'd eventually hit her. My brother and sister never received the same care I did from our dad. To him, they weren't worth the effort and they resented me for it. My dad spoiled the relationship I had with others. Then when I hit 15 and became rebellious, he dropped me like a hot potato. Too much work. So, no one really liked me then, although my mum did love me deep down. Daniel, after working with this revelation I came to realise a lot more - why I never liked/loved myself, why I was always looking for someone to love me (in the self serving guys I dated who only liked me if I served them), what led me to become a people pleaser and the list goes on. I don't blame my mum and siblings for not liking me, as it was hard for them. The 3 of us have a strong and brilliant relationship these days. We're all close friends
2. Long story short, I woke up to the shocking fact I married someone similar to my dad. While both my husband and dad are basically good men, they're both self serving in a lot of depressing ways. This is why I recently asked my husband for a separation - my revelation dictated 'No more conditional acceptance. That time in life is over'

While my revealations were 'Oh my god' level of shocking, leading me to sobbing tears at the time, they helped me.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I genuinely hope after you had those experiences/revelations that things have improved for you and I am glad your relationship with your family is strong nowadays and I hope it continues to grow stronger!

I hope what you say can be true for me because to be completely honest I feel like I have been in free fall since Saturday night and I think I am fast approaching a new rock bottom I have never reached before.

I find it incredibly hard to even talk to my family properly about what I am going through as I know to them it doesn't make sense and I understand they are trying to make sense of it for me but struggle themselves because I can't talk about it.

The loneliness I feel inside myself is like a heart wrenching pain that is inescapable at the moment, it doesn't matter how many times I hear advice like "you will be fine, you will find the right person" or "you need to be happy on your own, don't put pressure on yourself". I have reached the sort of end of the line in my life where all I can think about is never having companionship with someone where they are number 1 for me and I am number 1 for them.

I am logical enough (when I use that part of my brain) to know it won't just happen and I know I need to look after myself to help it happen but my hope not just in finding that but in myself and my life has eroded so far away over the last 2 years it has finally caught up with me to a point where I don't want to even try anymore to live properly. My body feels like it's shutting down and just accepting the way I feel, I feel disconnected to life and disconnected to everyone around me even if I am present in front of people. I have nothing left to give or contribute

[Hanna3]

Hi Daniel

I tend to give practical advice... Is the psychologist you're seeing helping you with all this? Have you seen a doctor about being put on some antidepressant medication for a while perhaps?

Believing that you're never going to meet a partner when you are only 26 is pre-empting things a bit, but at the moment you are really not in the right place to go about that anyway.

Can you just maybe concentrate on getting assistance for your depression and anxiety for the time being? Things like dating can come later.

If the psychologist isn't helping perhaps seek the advice of a doctor or another counsellor?

Depression and self-hate go hand in hand. Feeling like this is a miserable state to be in.

I really would encourage you to seek some professional help and advice.

What does your family think? Do you have a good GP you can talk to?

I really hope you can get professional help with all this. Support and even medication might be real supports for you for a while until you are able to feel better about yourself.

What do you think?