Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost

[Daniel12]

Hello there I don’t usually do anything like this but I wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. I am a 25 yr old who on the surface should have everything under control as I have a good job, good family yet I increasingly feel like I don’t know what makes me who I am and often feel down and flat when trying to find answers. I know people have much more reason to be depressed than someone like myself but I just constantly felt flat and lost searching for how I am supposed to be and what makes me who I am.
I have been trying to find a partner which has been the source of countless rejection which is all part of it I know but often I’m left feeling like I’m quite a boring person with nothing really that interesting to tell anyone and I am confused as to how to act

I’m usually a quiet natured person but I feel this incredible pressure that I can’t be like that and I am confused as to where I am at with my life

it is difficult for me to put into words I guess it’s just a lost type of feeling of what my place is and who I am and I thought at 25 I might have an idea of this

I know my post hasn’t given a great deal to go off but if anyone has experienced similar at my age I’d be glad to hear what approach you took

thanks

[Daniel12]

Hi Hanna

Thanks a lot for your support that you have given me, I appreciate it.

I have changed my psychologist and booked a month's worth of appointments weekly to have a clean slate and hopefully drill down on the issues I am having and try give me the courage to change my situation

[Hanna3]

Hi Daniel,

I think that's a good move! Well done. It was the support I had from an excellent psychologist that put me on the right track when I was about your age.

That regular support each week can be a very real help. Just knowing you have that support is a relief, so if you are feeling really bad, there is someone to talk to about it soon, not in a month's time.

I hope you keep coming back here and letting us know how it all goes. I think you said you have seen this psychologist once? Did she seem like someone you felt comfortable talking with?

Psychologists can be a bit more pro-active than psychiatrists. So I think it's a really good move that you are seeing this person regularly, and hopefully you can continue after the month if you feel it is helping you.

Am I right in thinking that, whilst a bit daunting, this is also a relief for you?

I'm really pleased! Cheers.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

That's great progress, changing things up with the psychologist. Will be interesting for you to see what she's like in her approach. I think while some psychologists are 'by the book', strictly following the practices they've been taught, others bring their own style on board. They have a greater feel for people and their challenges. Such people, I believe, are destined to help others in great ways.

It's her task to get to the bottom of what's not obvious. What I mean is if you can't find any obvious reasons for why you feel and experience life the way you do, it's up to her to make those reasons much clearer. I imagine, through such a process, you may find yourself saying 'Of course, that makes complete sense' or 'No wonder I'm struggling in this area when that's the problem'. Stuff like that. The revelations will feel inspiring as you come to better know yourself over time.

You might find (over time) that while you thought you knew yourself, in some cases you were wrong. For example, I could say I always believed I was someone who shouldn't have 'tantrums', that I should always maintain self control and if I didn't there was something wrong with me. I was taught, from a young age, tantrums are wrong and they belong to unreasonable self serving irrational people. Then I discovered the truth. Tantrums are basically the expression of someone who has reached their limits of not feeling heard or respected. Sometimes we gotta raise our voice to be heard, we may have to yell and cry. If collapsing on the floor while screaming and crying is going to do the job, so be it. A little extreme perhaps but in some cases it's necessary. A perfect example may involve a person who has reached the absolute depths of depression and no one is listening to them. If collapsing while crying and crying out for attention is the only thing that will save their life, so be it. While the word 'tantrum' has been given a bad rap over the years, one of it's original meanings is 'an outcry of great passion and/or upset'. So, while we may have begun life believing we shouldn't cry out in dramatic ways, we should have perhaps been taught how to have constructive tantrums/outcries.

Will you find out you've been too tolerant of people over the years? Maybe so. Will you find out you perhaps should have had a few constructive tantrums over time? Maybe so. Will greater self esteem naturally be triggered through a lot of revelations? I have faith in that 🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi Hanna

Thanks for the support again I appreciate it a lot like I’ve said particularly given how I feel at the moment so thank you!

Yeah I felt comfortable talking with her and I didn’t feel nervous that what I was saying was silly as she reassured me that she’s going to help me find what I need to manage it all.

You’re right in saying I’m relieved a bit, maybe just to know I’ve got someone to see weekly for a bit.

I have a really long way to go I feel because I felt slightly hopeful the other day and I’ve just gone a crashed again and gone completely flat but I’m hoping she can help me like many people on here have too

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I’m hoping you are right and over time she helps me to get to the root cause of why I feel this way and what’s caused it all to go to what feels line an extreme level at the moment. Then when we can find those causes she said she will help me to realise that I am worth it because at the moment I don’t feel like I have a purpose or am worth much at all.

I think a lot of the struggle is just that, that I feel like I have no idea why I feel this way or why my self esteem is so low when it feels like I have no excuses to be this way.

One thing she mentioned when starting this process is that I don’t obviously show or come across as someone who is having these struggles and that it’s not necessarily a massive life event that you can point to that tells you “yes that’s when I started feeling this way” or “that’s the cause” she said it can be something that might seem insignificant to others or it could be an accumulation of small events over time that predispose you to feeling this way.

Like I mentioned to Hanna I feel like I have a very long way to go because just when I felt some kind of hope I just drop dramatically in mood and feeling and I don’t feel like I have the energy for everyday life at the moment, I feel like even though there’s people all around me I feel alone

[therising]

Hi Daniel

The 'A lot of little things over time' factor can be a major factor. The thing about the little things is they can be hard to recognise. They can be easy to feel though but if we've developed the habit of brushing our feelings aside or suppressing them, this can become a part of the problem.

It's interesting how we can be led to certain realisations or revelations through our feelings. For example, while someone could say to me 'Why do you not like that person?', my response may simply be 'I don't know. That's just the way I feel'. If they were to dig deeper, they'd trigger feelings and revelations. Digging might sound a little like

• How do you feel about the tone of their voice, when they speak to you?
• It's a degrading tone. I feel degraded whenever they speak to me
• How do you feel about all the eye rolls they give you when you speak about something you're passionate about?
• It brings down. I can feel them disapproving of what I love
• How do you feel when you're in the middle of a conversation with them, offering your opinion, and they simply turn and start a conversation with someone else?
• I feel dismissed. I feel angry. I feel worthless

So, there you go. Through exploring my feelings or what I'm feeling when I'm around them, it's revealed to me that they are degrading, depressing and disapproving of who I am. They are dismissive and lead me to feelings of anger and a sense of worthlessness but a bigger revelation is yet to come. It may involve there being 3 other people in my life who lead me to feel the same feelings. Even bigger could be the revelation 'Four of the most influential and impacting people in my life are degrading, depressing, disapproving, dismissive, angering and all lead me to feel worthless'. The biggest of all mind altering revelations, 'It's not me. I am not worthless, I am simply involved with people who lead me to feel this way'. And another, 'No wonder my self esteem is shot to hell. No wonder I don't feel the confidence or courage to face my fears head on. These people never led me to feel how courageous I truly am, how incredible I really am'.

This helps explain why when people come out of a depressing period in their life, they cut ties with a number of people, all at once. It's kind of like a spring clean for the soul you could say. It's a soulful act.

To experience depression, there doesn't have to always be a significant obvious trauma involved. It can sometimes be about the little things that accumulate over time.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I think I have been worn down over time and maybe haven't realised in the moment how these things have impacted me more and more until it's all sort of gone bang the last month and how I feel like my hope is decreasing by the day.

Funnily enough I think I actually extracted myself from some toxic sorts of people I grew up around, largely thanks to COVID, and there was a period just after the lockdowns where I seem to be trending slightly upwards but just all of sudden has crashed and like I have said I don't really understand what is going on and why I all of sudden feel so lost and stuck really. In a way whilst I think it is good I got rid of these people and it partly involved resisting the urge to use social media as much etc I still think sometimes I should have tried harder to become part of those groups and maybe I would of fit in better and been seen as more attractive.

I was alone again last night and obviously my head just went to overdrive again and was just thinking that I have never really been valued socially or felt like that by people and I look at my chances of meeting someone as very very slim given I really have no groups of friends that ask me out or I can do things regularly with and then even if I am out I am incapable of approaching and talking to people anymore like I have completely lost it. I never really feel completely relaxed and as stupid as it sounds it's been that way for a long time that I don't even know how to be myself.

My parents, I know they are trying to help, say things like "go out and make friends" but like I can't exactly go out on my own given I am more introverted it would make me feel worse I think and I shouldn't have to go out on my own. Like I have no one to do things with which makes it extremely hard to meet someone and I just feel like I lack the ability to make friends because of how I am. Even as an example I have wanted to go to the snow this year as I have never been but I don't want to go on my own it'll just make me feel worse that I am on my own.

I have also been thinking lately what have I even done in my life that makes me interesting or what have I even achieved feels like absolutely nothing compared to people my age.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I imagine your new psychologist holds a vision for you. While she sees it, you perhaps can't right now, not in its entirety. While she may see the 2 of you getting to the bottom things, I imagine she will also see this as taking some time. As you both manage getting to the bottom of things, as a team, perhaps she also sees you developing the natural ability to make friends more easily in the future, based partly on the work you do together. I know this may be hard for you to imagine right now.

If you can imagine her perhaps addressing the fearful part of you (making sense of how it came into being, why it exists and why it often dictates your mindset), making greater sense of it may allow the fearless part of you to come to life more, offering new perspectives you may not have considered or envisioned in the past.

If she is a bit of a visionary, it would be interesting to hear her response if you were to say to her 'What do you see for me, regarding the way ahead?'. It's always easy to pick a seer, a visionary. You can trigger them. When you've triggered them, to see into their imagination, they'll get a day dreamy look in their eye. If she's good at what she does, she'll lead you to begin seeing what she does, at some point.

If you can't see the way forward right now, trust that she can. Trust her to guide you. If you have a good feeling about her, maybe what you're feeling is her being a promising and constructive guide. Early days, on a brand new path. Will be interesting to see where it all leads 🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I hope you are right in what you say because the general feeling at the moment is a loss of hope and feeling alone even though my family are there it's just been really difficult for me to even attempt to be myself again and like I have said many times I probably don't even know who that is anymore anyway.

Thanks a lot for always reaching out to me it is certainly appreciated and is a reflection of how valuable you are as a person and may I just say you kids are very lucky to have a guide like you!

My parents are great support also and I guess it's contributing a bit to how I feel that I feel really guilty for not being able to break through this and show them properly that I do indeed listen to them and that I value you what I say it's just hard for me to snap out of it at the moment and I am trying really hard for them and I don't want them to feel like they aren't doing enough to help because they are, I am the one that is the burden

[therising]

Hi Daniel

Based on how well you speak of your parents, I'm sure they don't see you as a burden. I can imagine they're concerned about you but I can't imagine they'd see you as a burden.

While not everyone suddenly snaps out of depression, most work through it and it can take a lot of work for so many different reasons. Part of the hard work can involve us working to try and see things through someone else's eyes. While people could say to us 'You just need to be more sociable', doing so may not be so easy. Based on a number of factors, we simply may not hold the same vision as those who advise us. Such factors may involve past experience (memories) or social anxiety. They could involve a fear of rejection or a fear of an inability to integrate into a group. Could involve being an introvert or there could be issues with overall low self esteem. So, for us to be able to go out and socialise we might have to work through those memories that impact us, our anxiety and fears, better understanding our introverted nature and why our low levels of self esteem exist. If we're a feeler, we may also need to work through better understanding our feelings so as to manage them and work with them strategically or skillfully.

Sometimes, instead of people trying to lead us to see life through their eyes, they perhaps should be trying to see it more through our eyes, so that they can better understand why what they say to us is unrelatable to the degree that it is. An example of this could involve the way someone approaches the perspective of a 14 year old. While this 14yo may say 'I hate this world. I have no purpose. I have no reason to be here. I hate school, it brings me down, and my friends just don't understand me', they may be met with an adult's perspective that equates to 'Pull your socks up and stop being so sensitive. We all go through this stage'. Approaching this through the perspective of that young person, we may acknowledge they have no sense of belonging in this world. They see no reason for living. The place in which they spend a majority of their time (school) is depressing them and they feel misunderstood and alone while they're there. So 'Pull your socks up...' is a dismissive and even depressing response toward a young person who is perhaps either in a depression or on the verge of entering into one. In order to relate we may need to work through the lens they see through, one of possible depression.

Depression definitely has a lens to it.