Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost

[Daniel12]

Hello there I don’t usually do anything like this but I wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. I am a 25 yr old who on the surface should have everything under control as I have a good job, good family yet I increasingly feel like I don’t know what makes me who I am and often feel down and flat when trying to find answers. I know people have much more reason to be depressed than someone like myself but I just constantly felt flat and lost searching for how I am supposed to be and what makes me who I am.
I have been trying to find a partner which has been the source of countless rejection which is all part of it I know but often I’m left feeling like I’m quite a boring person with nothing really that interesting to tell anyone and I am confused as to how to act

I’m usually a quiet natured person but I feel this incredible pressure that I can’t be like that and I am confused as to where I am at with my life

it is difficult for me to put into words I guess it’s just a lost type of feeling of what my place is and who I am and I thought at 25 I might have an idea of this

I know my post hasn’t given a great deal to go off but if anyone has experienced similar at my age I’d be glad to hear what approach you took

thanks

[therising]

Hi Daniel

Your friends' behaviour is definitely questionable, not showing up for your birthday dinner. It's one thing to not show us for good reason, it's another to not show up because it doesn't suit them. I think it's a sign of a lack of maturity to a degree. Just my opinion. While 'Fair weather friends' tend to show up for the sunny times, true friends show up during our darker periods as well. This is what I've come to learn over time.

As mentioned, I think we can generally get a feel for whether someone's right for us or not. If we're not entirely sure of our feelings, it's natural to take some time to suss things out better, give things a chance to evolve. Could take a month or 2 in some cases. In other cases, there are those speed dating gatherings, where a stack of people show up for an event. The timer is set as people work their way through a room to get a sense of who they vibe with and who they don't. You could say it's a matter of not wasting time. Either you feel a click or connection within 5 minutes (before the timer goes off) or you don't. If you don't, you move onto the next person, to see if you sense a connection with them. It's a pretty extreme form of dating but it works for some people. To the other extreme, you can have 2 people who've been together for years and it's only after years that they discover they've never really been suited to each other.

One way of looking at things when it comes to the challenges you face in dating, where you're just not feeling the vibe with a girl after some time of sussing the connection out. It's not your fault you remain attractive to them. You obviously have some natural charisma that makes you attractive. I think of my nephew who's 34. He and his wife just had a baby. Up until his early 30s he dated a number of girls and felt incredible guilt over letting some key ones down, ending the relationships. The amount of times he proclaimed 'I'm going to marry this one' we lost count of. While he remains a sensitive charismatic guy who often longed to feel love more than anything else, it took some time before he married the girl he best clicked with. He's a beautiful husband and father.

Looking back at my years in depression, I can relate to the mindset of 'No one cares about me'. Now, with a clearer mind, I ask 'What the hell was wrong with the people around me?' It triggers me at times when I consider how they didn't care enough or in the right ways. That wasn't my fault 🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Let's just say the whole birthday thing doesn't boost my already bottom of the barrel self esteem. I am not wanted by my own friends how can I be wanted by someone of the opposite gender for a relationship.

Now they are all seeing people and I feel more isolated than I was before and I felt that badly already. I have tried to use the friends route as a way of meeting someone and it hasn't worked, I am exhausted, confidence is shot to pieces and I have no energy anymore. I can't be bothered with day to day life I am destined to be on my own and be screwed up in the head.

I actually cannot even see a slight glimmer of hope or any shed of light at the end of the tunnel and I feel more depressed by the minute about the state of my life

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I really feel so very very much for you as you face some of the darkest of thoughts and perception. It's a horrible place to be in. While I left chronic ongoing depression behind me some years ago, I still have the occasional periods that remind me of how deep depression can go. They're the moments I fear so much because they're so dark and I fear I'll stay in them if I'm not careful.

There are moments where I wish someone would show up and say 'This is how it all works out, for the better. You just need to follow this particular process...' and then they show it to me and I feel relieved that there's a plan where I can clearly see the path ahead. It doesn't matter whether it's a tough path or not, the fact that I can see the outcome reassures me that the challenges along the way are worth facing. Sometimes I wish I knew the path ahead because it's tough, not being able to see it all the time.

When I look at my kids, I wish I'd had it together as much as they do when I was their age. While I'd spent years trying to work out where I fitted in, they've found the kinds of tribes they vibe with. It's been a hard journey for them to find such good friends. In past society, such groups would have been labelled as a collection of 'misfits', 'social rejects', 'black sheep of their family' etc. Such groups are comprised of those who'd be labelled as being members of the 'Alphabet Mafia' (aka LGBT+ community) as well as people on the autism spectrum as well as those who are so sensitive, they've sensed their depressing challenges through having faced bullies from the past. They're comprised of people who, together, have managed to stop giving a damn about what others think of them. They've raised each other's self esteem. What many of them have in common is - they all felt alone in some way and full of self doubt at some point or points in their life. I wish I'd known such people when I was younger for I feel they would have brought the best out in me, much earlier in life. They lead each other to wonder about the possibilities in life instead of telling each other what they should be doing at this stage of life. They open their minds and see the best in each other and for each other. They raise each other in incredible ways.

I think I would have done much better earlier in life with quirky, unique outside the square friends. 'Normal' never really led me anywhere constructive, which is why I love being a little on the 'weird' or non conventional side.

[DaisyDills202]

Hi guys…I’m feeling like shit again…-.-

I feel there are places where I try to express myself I will either they don’t understand me

feel neglected…or people are full of violence…

i wanna be in a safe place where my voice can be heard and can express without being judged too much…:( which upsets me..

i feel loneliness and don’t wanna be without my parents

i love them very muchly and don’t wanna lose them..-.-

I’m not sure if there’s an abusive person around me and parent

and cannot tell if their safe or not??

is this a safe place to be or express self without being judged too much??

can anyone please help??

thanks

Daisy

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I guess I just feel ashamed of myself that at 26 I really have no idea what I am doing or where I am at when I think I should.

I am also ashamed of myself that I am a burden to other because I am so uncertain of myself and I feel like talking about about it annoys people and I'm misunderstood, to be honest I don't know what my problem is anymore I just feel hopeless

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I'm wondering if your auntie is someone you can sit down and have a deep and meaningful conversation with, in confidence. You've mentioned before how she's managed to help in the past. Maybe she can help you brainstorm in a way that can make the challenges appear clearer.

I think there's a sense of urgency we can really feel when we start edging our way towards our late 20s. A lot of factors around us can amplify that sense of urgency even more: With people our own age appearing to have it all together, such as with having seemingly stable relationships or being on the cusp of investing in their first property or having moved out of home to explore the world, we can be left to wonder why things aren't working out the same way for us.

Sometimes I think some of it can come down to our parents not leading us to be skillful strategists and seers. Not blaming our parents, just pointing pointing out a factor that can lead us to feel like we're kind of twisting in the wind without seeing a solid sense of direction. If you think of parents as guides in life, at some point they stop significantly guiding us like they used to. They step back and let us begin to make choices for our self. It's then that we begin guiding our self more than ever before. It's only at a time that we completely lose a solid sense of direction (based on a variety of factors) that we really feel the lack of guidance. We can feel so lost.

Through a lack of guidance there's no choice but to begin seeking the best guides under the circumstances, who can offer us a much clearer vision. They're specialists. A handful of specialists out there

• Someone who can guide us in the way of understanding our psychological self better - psychologist
• A guide for financial management - financial consultant
• A guide for buying a house - real estate agent
• A guide for navigating the serious challenges of a relationship - relationship counselor

and the list goes on. For me, the guide who's made the most outstanding difference in my life is a spiritual counselor of the non religious variety. Without a single doubt in my mind, without him I would have entered back into depression again, perhaps never coming out. He made a significant difference to my self esteem, leading me to love and trust myself more than ever before.

Parents are a bit like GPs in a way. They can be general practitioners of life. Sometimes we need a specialist in the area where we're experiencing the greatest level of dis-ease.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

She does help a lot but I feel guilty if I don’t use my parents as they get upset. I’m very grateful to my parents but I think they can, at times, miss the point of what I am trying to say and they don’t really understand what I am tying to say. Probably my fault too because I don’t fully understand it myself so my explanation may be blurred but it turns into the same thing everytime where they end up doing all the talking.

I just think to myself that I’m standing still at the moment and I don’t know what steps I have to take to move forward. For example do I need a timeout/break from dating to find myself or is that me giving up. Do I need to change my job or role at work somehow. Can I find myself and look for a relationship at the same time im not sure.

Im really unsure of how to come out of this and what I can practically do to work on it. My psychologist is always booked out which doesn’t help either.

Energy is just zapped from my life and I feel like I’m letting every person I know now because of how pathetic I feel

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I can understand how you could feel a sense of guilt in regard to accessing your auntie's wisdom over your parents'. I may have mentioned before how it helps to redefine guilt in some way, so that it becomes a constructive feeling. For me, 'guilt' is nothing more than an indicator for me to be more conscious of my behaviour. It leads me to ask the question 'Who do I want to be from this moment onward?'. If I've hurt someone's feelings or I've let someone down in some way, guilt will lead me to ask 'Do I want to be someone who repeats that exact same behaviour?'. If the answer is 'No', I'll thank that sense of guilt for leading me to live a more conscious life.

If you believe guilt is leading you to feel like you're betraying your parents, perhaps you could see it instead as pushing you to ask who the best guide is, under the circumstances. If it's your auntie, it's your auntie - as simple as that. Next question could be 'Do I need to speak with the most open minded constructive guide or not?'. If the answer is 'Yes' then your parents should be supportive of that, you moving forward in a way that works well for you. If they can accept that she simply has a different way of thinking or seeing life, a way you can better relate to, then they'll need to face the emotional challenges that come with that (their child not relying on them for specific insight). As I've said to my kids before 'I won't always be your best guide, based on different circumstances in your life, but I will always try to lead you to find the best guide for those circumstances'. Btw, I've told them that I'll also work on steering them away from the most destructive guides, such as people who'll lead them to doubt their feelings as being valid.

Choosing our mentor in life, when it comes to greater self understanding, may mean us having to choose someone other than our parents. if your auntie has all the traits of a good mentor, including leading you to open your mind, then perhaps she is one of your key mentors in life. With the circle we are a part of, which may include family, friends, work colleagues etc, each person in the circle plays a specific role. What do you think your auntie's role is in your life? Could her role involve opening your mind, listening carefully to what you have to say, validating your feelings and much more? If she was to say to you 'I want to take you overseas for a trip, to show you there is more to this world than what you currently see', would you go?

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I think my parents get frustrated that I am unable to see what they say they and others see in me and in there care for me they are quite passionate and can take over the conversations. It is not done with bad intention but sometimes I don't feel really heard because of it.

I saw one of those photos with a quote on Facebook on my lunch break today, usually I am not one to pay attention to those type of things but it sort of summed it up. It was something along the lines of asking someone "do you want to vent or do you want advice" and that that question is key whenever a loved one is upset. I think it sums up sort of how I feel sometimes in a sense that I think largely I just need to get certain things, however stupid and irrational they are, out of my head and at least feel like someone tries to understand or has felt similar to how I am feeling in the sense that I am unsure of exactly it is I am doing and wanting with myself at the moment and I feel like I should be clear or at least a lot more clearer than I am.

My aunty is in her 70s due to my father being born later but I she is basically the more calm/placid version of my father and there's a feeling I get where most of the time it isn't so much what she says but it's that calmness that seems to help and sort of makes me feel like things will be ok when I feel like they won't. That, by the way, is not a criticism of my father because my father would do anything in his power to help me I think it is communication styles that differ.

I do feel going through this down period and period of intense uncertainty of what I actually want to do even just in the short term in terms of relationships and things like that which is leading to me feeling depressed is letting my father down and that probably contributes to my hesitation to open up.

I think this affects me with dating too as I do want a partner but I feel I STILL might not be fully ready, so I am trying in spite of that and I feel like I am letting people that I date down and I am a bad person for doing that.

I guess I am unsure exactly what I can do to sort of make my mind up of what to do with myself at least in the short term.

[Sophie_M]

Dear DaisyDills202

Thank you so much for reaching out on our forum - we are so glad you are in our community, and seeking support!

We want to reachout becasue we feel from your post that there might be violence or threats happening in your world? We are also concerned that there has been some trauma, and that your parents might be at risk or unwell. 

We genuinely want to make sure you have somewhere to go and people to reach out to! Please know that you can reach out to us here at anytime - we are here for you 24/7. Call us on 1300 22 4636, or please start a chat with us here: Chat Now

Also consider talking to the team at 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) just in case you are at any risk of harm at all. We also recommend talking to your GP for any possible referrals to more ongoing care!

Of course, if you feel you are at any risk at all, then this is an emergency - please do not hesitate to call 000.

We do hope we will get to speak to you soon, DaisyDills202! Please stay safe and in touch.

Regards,

Sophie M.