Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost

[Daniel12]

Hello there I don’t usually do anything like this but I wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. I am a 25 yr old who on the surface should have everything under control as I have a good job, good family yet I increasingly feel like I don’t know what makes me who I am and often feel down and flat when trying to find answers. I know people have much more reason to be depressed than someone like myself but I just constantly felt flat and lost searching for how I am supposed to be and what makes me who I am.
I have been trying to find a partner which has been the source of countless rejection which is all part of it I know but often I’m left feeling like I’m quite a boring person with nothing really that interesting to tell anyone and I am confused as to how to act

I’m usually a quiet natured person but I feel this incredible pressure that I can’t be like that and I am confused as to where I am at with my life

it is difficult for me to put into words I guess it’s just a lost type of feeling of what my place is and who I am and I thought at 25 I might have an idea of this

I know my post hasn’t given a great deal to go off but if anyone has experienced similar at my age I’d be glad to hear what approach you took

thanks

[Hanna3]

Hi Daniel,

I'm just wondering if you're feeling down because it's a Saturday night and I guess you are alone?

You're at a tough time in life when your friends are getting paired off and you're naturally feeling left out of things. It isn't an easy time!

Is there anyone in your family you can talk to about the pressure you feel from your parents? Is the psychologist you're seeing someone you feel comfortable talking to about how you are feeling?

You really only need a couple of good friends to make you feel so much better. I know it's hard but keep occupied with your sports and whatever other activities you can find.

Could you try chatting with other people here on the forums, maybe try the Cafe or some of the games here? It's a way to get to know a few people who maybe can give you some "company" and support when you feel a bit down or just want to chat!

I don't know if you live at home or on your own. Have you thought of sharing a house with someone? A flatmate or two might be good company?

What are your feelings about these suggestions? What do you think you might help?

I just wonder if others here on BB might have some suggestions that might be helpful to you.

Anyway these are just some ideas. I'm sorry you're feeling down. Keep talking to people here!

🙂 👍

[Hanna3]

Please excuse typos Daniel as I am typing this on my phone and it's awkward! 🙂

[Hanna3]

Hi again Daniel,

Don't discount random meetings as a way of meeting people. Browsing in a book shop, going to a Cafe alone and getting chatting with someone there, or at the book store - going to an art exhibition, a play, these are ways you can get chatting with people. Get to be a regular so the Cafe staff, bookstore owner, know you. See a girl who looks nice browsing in the bookstore/library/art gallery too? Think of a reason to say something to her, like "I notice you're interested in *******( whatever the subject/author/artist etc) is - and say you're interested in it too, or you read this author's books too, and have they read etc etc? (name the books)

Do you drive a car? What about a day trip on the weekend to a winery or any place you may like to visit that interests you?

There was a man on the news tonight - he must have been at least 50 - who said as a young man he went on a weekend trip on a sailing ship that taught young people how to sail a boat and he met his future wife there that weekend!

Daniel do you think you could try some new things like these? And practice just starting up friendly discussions with people you don't know? Sure, some people won't be interested in talking so then try again with someone else and don't take it personally.

I know you are finding the discussions with The Rising helpful which is great, but what about setting yourself some goals to try small things like these that get you meeting new people and starting up conversations with people you don't know?

Like the man who went sailing, you might just meet the right girl!

Could you try some of these things?

What do you think?

[Hanna3]

Daniel,

Last thing and then I'll finish, but I think you think if people aren't interested it's always about you. Well I moved to this inland large town two years ago, just in time for the summer of terrible bushfires which were very bad here and then it's been covid and lockdowns ever since.

You'd think that would make people be friendlier as we're all going through it together, but not in this town!

People here have been so closed off and unfriendly I've been wondering what's wrong with me. Where I lived before people were pretty darn friendly and easy going and so I didn't know anything different.

I've lost count of the number of people I've tried to just say hi to when I'm out on a walk and they look the other way and never say anything.

I've been wondering what I'm doing wrong.

We'll yesterday it was raining and I had a seat under cover at a take away coffee place. This lovely man waiting for his coffee noticed my little dog with me and I asked if he had a dog and he said how he'd love one but he couldn't, and we started chatting.

Turns out he was a long distance distance truck driver and gosh we had an interesting talk together. He was so friendly, maybe because he was glad of someone to talk to as he spends days alone driving.

So I realised it's not me, it just took one stranger in a coffee queue to be friendly and I remembered how easy it used to be to have conversations with people I didn't know! The people here really are unfriendly a lot of the time and others new to the town have told me the same thing.

So plenty of people won't want to bother being friendly with you. You just need to keep going and find the jewels who will be friendly and one of them may turn out to be the girl of your dreams, like the man who went sailing I told you about!

So don't beat yourself up that it's you all the time like I've been thinking here. Lots of people aren't friendly. Walk away and find the great people who will appreciate you taking the time to be friendly and talk to them.

That man doesn't know it, but he made my day! You might just make someone else's day!

Give it a go! 😊👍

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I think while we can have much of what others dream of having (a roof over our head, a good job, good health etc), we can still be facing one of the toughest times of our life. We don't necessarily fully realise it as being one of the toughest times until we look back in hindsight. Looking back offers us the chance to say 'I can't believe I made it through that. I'm incredible'. One of the things that makes it so tough is not being able to make sense of things. If we had all the answers, it wouldn't be anywhere near as hard.

As I've mentioned before, I believe we have many parts or aspects to our self. Sometimes I wonder whether there's some order to them, when it comes to which ones come to life ahead of others. Does 'auto pilot' exist before the thinker, the philosopher or the questioner? Do we live a life somewhat on auto pilot, with many of the mental programs instilled by others dictating our flight plan to some degree? Does the intolerant sense of self come to life beyond the people pleaser who's been pleasing largely selfish people? Does the introvert in us come to life only after we've learned to be cautious of those who don't deserve our time, trust and attention? So, you could have dozens of aspects of self just waiting to come to life. Personally, I've found there are certain aspects of myself that don't allow other parts to come to life. I think of the fearful aspect of myself that doesn't allow room for the risk taker in me to grow. My brother recognised this some years ago, in himself. He put it down to the way we were raised, to some degree. We were raised to fear what could go wrong, so we played it safe. 'The safe player' definitely doesn't allow room for growth, for change, when that part of us is always in charge. My brother, over the years, through many challenges he's taken on has managed to balance the safe player and risk taker parts of himself.

I think we can still feel some element of fear as a risk taker. Basically, I suppose we're feeling the risk itself in ways, if that makes sense. With the more risks we take, perhaps we gradually become desensitised to the fear factor to some degree. Things become easier. Some folk even come to thrive on feeling what comes with risk; they love the challenge and/or the adrenaline.

To fear rejection can stop us from taking necessary risks throughout the lead up to finding those who are exactly the kind of people we've been looking for. It can take time and work to find such people.

[Guest_1643]

Hi Daniel

Welcome, how are u?

I think it's normal and OK at Ur age to feel a bit esitatn and alone at times....and seeing groups of ppl happy together, how do we know truly ho happy they are, they may be banded together by drugs, alcohol or maybe they all hang out excuse none have work and they pass time together.

I'm wandering if he heard of acceptance commitment therapy, it seems in line with what u write, able having anxieties and depressed thoughts but still wanted to move towards goals and see change.

In ACT they look at it as values, and it's about what person Ur want to be, living with which values etc...rather than what u want ie friends, relatio ships,

If u were living Ur best life, being who u wish, what sort of partner would u be?

For me, I have values of authenticity, and fun, and sportive.

I'd want to be a supportive person, who can enjoy and be fun in the moment.

I relate to not knowing if use made progress. Can u write down the areas where u are trying to see change?

For a while myself I was getting worse in my mh, and I wasn't even in tune with it, I just had a confused feeling.

Take care xx

[Daniel12]

Hi Hanna

Thank you for all the suggestions and kind words of support and advice I greatly appreciate your help, you are very wise and kind hearted to do that!

I think you may be right that it being a Saturday night and being alone contributes to my down period. I get really uncomfortable about it sometimes and I allow things I see on social media to fester in my mind and allow it to affect my mental state.

I have spoken with my doctor about the pressure from the family, she has helped a lot with it sometimes it's just inevitable that it weighs on me because it sort of goes deeper than my parents it's like ingrained in my culture. For example my sisters wedding is coming up in March and I don't have a partner so I already expect continues questioning all night which will just make me down on myself again.

I have blamed myself a lot for interactions I have, feels like I am missing something that attracts people. During lockdowns theres a few walking tracks around my area and I made an effort, and still am, to say hello to passers by even if it's just a quick hello. In my own way it helped me to feel a bit better during lockdown periods.

I would usually go to the gym quite late at night when there weren't people around so I could be in peace while I worked out but I realised I was probably avoiding people as well because I felt ashamed. So I decided to start going at peak times and have tried to become more regularly known to people, there are some people I speak to on my way in and out which is good.

Also, work now being predominantly from home hasn't helped me because as soon as I got comfortable we had to go from home which has it's perks but I guess I lack some of the face to face connections.

In those moments on a Saturday night for example I just feel ashamed that I'm a 25 yr old guy that has nothing to do or I tried to make plans and they fall through and it's happening with more frequency these days.

My friend has set up a dinner with his girlfriend and her friend so I can meet someone and I feel pressure already to be "liked", I hope I can get out of this down phase before I have to go to this but my fear is I will be ruled by my mind on this night and not let the real me show.

Thanks again for all your help

Daniel

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I think you are spot on that not being able to make sense of things makes it incredibly tough as this is exactly how it feels when I go on a "downer", I can't understand how I can go from being positive about my progress to not seeing it at all. I worry that there is just something wrong with me as how can someone be so widly sporadic in their thoughts.

Maybe I need to learn how to trigger the right sense of self as you put it at the appropriate times. I am not really sure how I would go about doing this as I may not have the emotional intelligence to do this but I can try. I can relate to you and your brothers sentiments about that fear factor sort of as a result of upbringing. I think my parents very much steered myself and my siblings always down the right paths and had very black and white standards for lack of a better term of right and wrong, or safe option and risky option. I think we always went down the safe route as well and part of it for me was a bit of fear or rejection and disappointing my parents if I failed.

If I think about it probably best example of this was at the end of VCE when I basically had the entire family tell me prior to VCE not to go to uni and do a trade. Its not that this was bad or ill-intentioned advice but the safe player as you put it inside me just accepted it and thats what I found myself doing after VCE even though I never felt my heart was in it. There was also fear of rejection and disappointing my parents which made me never speak up about it, what ensued was 2 years of failed job trial after failed job trial, getting screwed over by dishonest companies who promised jobs etc. Luckily I did well enough at school to get into engineering but I would say that's the biggest risk I have taken.

I seem to be able to apply this to professional life but socially I don't seem to have the courage to take a risk because I feel ashamed or pressured in myself to be liked. Like this dinner coming up with my friend I mentioned below I am incredibly anxious as to how to approach this, id like to even just make a new friend but I am so worried that I don't have an attractive personality to even do this or like I always say I am too boring. Thats the tape that is already playing in my head so by the time I go there next Saturday I bet I will be rife with anxiety and I will ruin another opportunity for myself.

Do you ever feel this way or experienced this prior to going somewhere? How have you managed it?

[Hanna3]

Hi Daniel

It sounds like you're taking some steps like changing the time you go to the gym which is great.

Covid has made things much more difficult for you but keep putting yourself out there! The more you can mix the easier it will be and you're more likely to meet someone!

I know the wedding is difficult, is there a girl who is a friend of yours or the family who would accompany you just for that occasion? I have done that sort of thing in the past for friends and colleagues who needed a woman partner for a special occasion.

Re the dinner, can you take the pressure off by telling yourself that you only expect the evening to be pleasant and don't constantly worry if this girl will be the one, or will reject you?

So often we meet the right people when we're not looking and not expecting it! Your anxiety is only going to make you shoot yourself in the foot if you overdo your expectations! Can you just think of it as a nice evening out?

Did you get any comments from the women you met and dated about why they weren't interested in pursuing a relationship? Not that you have to say anything here, just wondering if they gave you any pointers about what you could work on?

Women tend to make friendships more easily than guys, so try to be less hard on yourself. You only have to be lucky once!

Keep getting out and about!

🙂👍

[Daniel12]

Hi Hanna

Thanks again for your sound advice!

Im going to try as uncomfortable as I get sometimes in myself when I put myself out there, maybe that’s just part of it I guess.

I don’t really know anyone that I could do that with for the wedding and also knowing my family they would make a huge deal over it and for starters I wouldn’t want to make the other person awkward.

I will try to think of it that way, that’s what I keep trying to tell myself to ease pressure off myself. I even wrote it down lol. When it was first mentioned my mindset was relaxed and felt good to just go out unfortunately I have a bad habit of letting thoughts snowball. I am trying to remind myself when I start thinking too hard about it that if I’m just myself and enjoy the night it will be fine even if nothing happens.

The usual feedback I get is that I’m a really nice guy but would be better to be friends that’s the common theme. That sort of makes me feel like well yeah I’m a nice person I try to be but that’s not all I am there has to be more to me. I always try to stay that way when I go out with a new date, nice and down to earth I mean. When it gets mentioned a couple times in a row it sounds silly but it makes you think there’s something unattractive about being that would or I don’t come across in a way that sparks attraction like other guys would.

My psychologist suggested that a lot of people would find my more calm, down to earth nature where over time I come out of my shell a lot more attractive as you learn something new each time. She says she’s impressed with the way I come across to her but I guess she might just be saying that. She also suggested that it can also be timing and million other reasons that could be unrelated to you I guess I find it hard to think that way when it seems to be a repeating cycle. I guess sometimes I take being called a nice guy as an insult because it’s always followed by a “but”.

I definitely understand there are things I’ve had to improve on as well, I feel when I first starting dating I put too much pressure on it early on not so much that I did anything specific but because my mindset was line that I probably didn’t come off relaxed.

I feel I have improved a little with this but I’m trying to still be just my down time earth self. I am nice but I’m not overly nice to the point where it’s a bit much that’s the distinction I’d want to make. I don’t I’m confused about it haha

thanks again