Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost

[Daniel12]

Hello there I don’t usually do anything like this but I wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. I am a 25 yr old who on the surface should have everything under control as I have a good job, good family yet I increasingly feel like I don’t know what makes me who I am and often feel down and flat when trying to find answers. I know people have much more reason to be depressed than someone like myself but I just constantly felt flat and lost searching for how I am supposed to be and what makes me who I am.
I have been trying to find a partner which has been the source of countless rejection which is all part of it I know but often I’m left feeling like I’m quite a boring person with nothing really that interesting to tell anyone and I am confused as to how to act

I’m usually a quiet natured person but I feel this incredible pressure that I can’t be like that and I am confused as to where I am at with my life

it is difficult for me to put into words I guess it’s just a lost type of feeling of what my place is and who I am and I thought at 25 I might have an idea of this

I know my post hasn’t given a great deal to go off but if anyone has experienced similar at my age I’d be glad to hear what approach you took

thanks

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Fantastic that you got the book, I really hope you enjoy it and find it interesting!

I had a similar feeling when I finished my VCE, my family all stared me toward going to TAFE and doing an apprenticeship and I sort of just found myself following that narrative although it never felt right. Eventually it changed and I moved into civil engineering, thankfully I tried in year 12 despite knowing I was going to do a trade initially otherwise I would not have got into the course. I remember not really knowing what I wanted to do at the end of school and just accepting what people around told me was a good option, it wasn't until I started looking into engineering and gave up the pursuit of an apprenticeship for multiple reasons did I really know that this was the right path career wise.

I think a lot of the problem is I sort of feel like I know what I want generally in the grand scheme of things but at the same time I don't know what I want as stupid and confusing as that sounds. Like I have mentioned, I know I want a stable and successful career in engineering with the view to work for myself one day if I work hard enough but I would be happy with a stable career that add value to myself but one that does not become life-consuming like I have seen from people around me. I know I want to have someone I truly connect with and can spend my life with and build a family. These things I know I want in a broad sense.

I guess the feeling is a bit like these wants are not grand enough or too simplistic at this stage of my life and at the same time

[Daniel12]

Hi again therising

Apologies I accident hit post this reply halfway through type haha, see below for continuation of what I was saying!

What I was trying to get at is I feel pressure from society around me, social media, friends and family that I should have things figured out but also that my ambitions like I described need to be bolder or something.

It is a weird feeling at the moment. I feel I have been making progress with thinking better I don't know if it is showing to anyone but I think there is some there at least but I also feel a bit lost as I feel like uncomfortable because nothing really seems to be happening at the moment. I feel a bit like I don't know what I want at this moment apart from finding a partner but I understand now this will take time to eliminate the wrong people and find the right one.

My life just sort of seems dull at the moment, like I work, go to the gym, eat dinner, watch tv or read and go to bed day in day out. In isolation there is probably nothing wrong with this but I feel a big pressure to live a more grand lifestyle and more entertaining. I'm not sure sorry for the confusion in my post I am just not really sure how I am feeling at moment and I just type sometimes haha

I had a bit of a read into metacognition and sounds really interesting I am going to read deeper into it to see more of how it works or what it tells me!

I guess with accepting myself some moments I feel I am progressing and others I sort of think I haven't at all, just confused in general of what is that's going to just help me relax and live!

[therising]

Hi Daniel

Yesterday I was chatting with an absolutely amazing lady who I work with. She's incredibly inspirational. At 60, she has the energy and passion for life of a 20yo. She asked me whether I'd adopted anything new in life, a topic we'd touched on recently, based on the fact I'm lacking in energy and drive lately. I admitted 'No', to which her response was 'Why, what's your excuse?'. One of the reasons I gave was based on me not being able to get out of lockdown mode. I've kept a lot of the habits that served me then, which are now getting in the way of me living and energetic and fulfilling life.

I can relate to what you say about having a general idea about what I'm to be doing with my life but outside of 'general' there can be somewhat of a lost feeling. Kind of feels like standing still, wishing someone would give you solid direction. With 2020 predicted to be a year of clear vision or 20/20 vision of the future, maybe it was somewhat about the destruction of the life that wasn't working for us (these last couple of years). As things became clearer during those couple of years, the life that wasn't working involved settling for less, self-esteem issues, not being able to tolerate a lack of adventure, certain relationships that need serious reassessment and so on. Actually, I recall hearing 2022 as being predicted to be one of the toughest years as it's the year that involves reconstruction. So, the question 'How to construct without plans for reconstruction?'. How do we build without a blueprint? I imagine, a civil engineer would say 'You can't'.

What would a civil engineer insist on, when looking at design and construction? I imagine certain factors would involve taking environment into account (is it the right one for the kind of construction being considered), purpose, practicality and so on. Does some destruction have to take place before anything can be created? After all, we can't build upon what's faulty. How much time needs to be allowed, given the complexities involved in the construction? I imagine there's a lot to take into consideration. I imagine there's a specific process that needs to be followed. Actually, now that I think about it, I don't want to simply construct a new path or road in my life, to take me out of my old life. I actually want to create an entirely new town/infrastructure and this, I know, will take time.

How 'bout you? Road, bridge, town or city? Aim as big as you please, even if it takes a lifetime to create 🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising


I feel I am stuck in this lockdown mode as well. It’s been a challenge to break out of the habits, for example last night I spent the night pretty much lying on my bed just doing nothing surfing my phone and thinking and it was what I found myself doing just automatically throughout lockdown which really sparked all these challenges I’ve been having as it zapped my energy levels.
I’m wondering did your friend have any advice?


I like the analogy you’ve used and makes a lot of sense to me. I think there’s a lot of pressure I feel as a younger person to have my hat in a lot of different rings because the options available to us now through technology and stuff like that is enormous, it’s like there is too much choice that it makes it very hard to focus on one thing because you might miss out on another. Not sure if that makes sense.


Maybe you’ve had a similar experience at the end of lockdowns to me, i had this feeling where part of the depression I started to develop was out of frustration or being exhausted with certain aspects. For example like you mentioned settling for less than I deserve in certain relationships, getting tired of self doubt that plagues me and fed up with meaningless relationships and wanting to find the right person.
What I feel happened is that I have started the process to building toward solving these issues I have done so with no real direction or idea of how to do it. So for example with dating I used online apps during lockdowns and put myself out there but as this increasingly became more and more unsuccessful I got worn out.


I guess in terms of what I’d like to build for myself like you mention is just to live each day without overthinking plaguing my life like it has done for so long, sounds really simplistic. I just don’t really know what else it is and I’m not sure whether I should be concern by it or whether I just lack drive as a person and am boring.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

My friend at work discussed the importance of making a difference. She was reflecting on her life and some of what she's achieved so far, including raising her beautiful son. She'd developed the habit of making a difference with her husband before he suddenly passed away about 15 years ago. They traveled to the most amazing places and did some amazing things together. It sounds like he brought out the best in her, which is one of the reasons she still misses him. Even though he's no longer here, she knows she can't live without making a difference. She's also a super high energy person, which helps. I should say, she deserves the energy she has. She works to maintain good sleeping, eating, exercise and relaxation habits, among other good habits. She's also fueled by her imagination. She says it's been hard work. She mentioned how she lost her energy for a time when her husband passed, as she was emotionally exhausted and had become sick, with grief. I think one of the most significant skills she has is...she doesn't question natural inspiration too much. For example, if what suddenly popped into her mind was 'Go to the Zoo', while most of us would be thinking 'Why would I want to do that?' (if that came to mind for us), she'd simply find a way to get there. She'd trust it was a good idea. Then she'd tell you something along the lines of how amazing it was and how she chatted to someone there who she felt made a difference to her. I suppose you could say when she shows up to life, life shows up to her and she feels it.

Making a difference in our life can be so much easier with a partner who's on the same page but what my friend would most likely say to us is 'I had to learn how to make a difference on my own'. Whether learning such a thing is based on her situation, not having found the right partner yet (like with yourself) or not having a partner who wants to make any difference (like with myself), we have no choice but to largely make a difference on our own for the time being. Doesn't hurt to find some help.

What comes to mind is 'Ritual'. What daily rituals do I have? Besides the usual getting out of bed, showering etc, there are no new ones. It's time to create one. Doesn't have to be big. Something as simple as the 6am practice of feeling the pulse in our neck for 20 secs is a daily ritual that reminds us how we have this amazing thing in our chest which gives us life with every beat. How often do we remember, with gratitude, it's there?

[Daniel12]

Hi therising


Your work friend is such a valuable friend to have I think, must be fascinating to talk with. I admire people like that a lot and hope to someday say I am similar probably a very long way off that now though.


I try to eat healthy (ignoring my sweet tooth), exercise regularly and try to get rest where I can which has been more difficult with the habit of thinking and overthinking i have developed but I try my best. But when I think about how I feel at the moment this stuff isn’t giving me the usual energy rather my head is saying “what’s the point”.


The example you use about questioning natural inspiration I can relate to a lot. Just recently I have been thinking this year circumstance allowing I want to go to the snow as I have never been. But immediately I think well I can’t do this because I don’t have the friends to go with or the partner and I I’ll feel like a loser on my own. Similarly I signed up for a mixed sport season but I’m on my own and I’m getting incredible anxiety about it 3 weeks out. Situations like this have come up before, I think I mentioned my friends birthday where I knew no one and ultimately at the end of these events I feel depressed and defeated because I end up feeling unaccepted or too quiet or boring or like I have nothing to offer. That tape is playing in my head already before I even go to this mixed sport program. I really don’t want this to happen but I struggle to manage it.


I really want to make a difference in my life like you say I’m just not sure how to do it, like I’ve mentioned I don’t have a big circle of social connections at all and then when I’m alone I feel uncomfortable. This is like a suffocating problem just going around and around my posts probably reflect confusion and little progression.


I wrote down a list of some daily things to try and do when I get back to work on Monday in the journal I started to keep. Seems pretty mundane they just things like wake up early, avoid my phone until I’ve had breakfast and things like go to the gym, read a book at night or do something productive and not sit there like I have been. I don’t know what else to do I feel a bit pathetic about my daily life to be honest.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Daniel12,

Sorry to hear about what you are going through. We are glad you have some support from the community here. If you would like any further support please don't hesitate to reach out to Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636.

If, however, you feel unable to keep yourself safe this is an emergency and you need to call 000 (triple zero).
 

[Hanna3]

Hi Daniel,

I'm sorry you're feeling a bit blah tonight!

I think going to the snow is a fantastic idea! What about a singles snow holiday, I Googled quickly and saw there are some for 2022 (I just don't know what state you're in) or take yourself alone and do a ski course? You won't look like a loser, you'll be someone learning to ski with other people! Anyway, people who travel by themselves look confident,they don't look like losers!

I met friends I kept for years - and a great boyfriend - when I went on an under35's trip to New Zealand - we had a terrific trip and we were all single and lonely and became great mates and had a heap of fun. It was one of the best things I've ever done!

I think mixed sports sounds a brilliant idea as you can mix with the girls in a shared interest. Aim at just enjoying yourself and making friends. Take the pressure off!

Good for you for thinking about doing these things. That's a step forward!

Could you maybe start looking for a snow holiday you can book and have that to aim for?

The guy who wrote the book I mentioned to you previously has a utube video about himself at 25 - he was quite a mess and had a drinking problem but he later became famous. You don't have to have things all worked out at 25 to have a successful life.

Take the pressure off if you can, and give yourself some things like a holiday to look forward to!

Cheers! 🙂👍

[therising]

Hi Daniel

Interesting to get Hanna's perspective, especially based on her experience. I imagine she didn't realise, at the time she booked her holiday, that the people she'd meet would become such solid friends. I think that's the thing about friends, you never know exactly where you'll meet them. Personally, I have absolutely no idea where I'll meet friends in the future. Can't hurt to wonder and basically put our self out there and see where it leads.

I recall someone saying that they believe one of the best books on human relations of all time is 'How To Win Friends and Influence People', by Dale Carnegie. Carnegie produced the book in 1938 and while it's been somewhat revised it still remains a best seller because of the psychology behind it. Personally, I've never read it but the person who spoke of it mentioned how it was one of the most significant influences in their life as a social person and successful business man. Having Googled it, one tip is

• Become genuinely interested in people. 'You can make more friends in two months by being interested in them, than in two years by making them interested in you'.

Can't recall whether I ever mentioned the sage like words my son once said to me when he was little. Some years ago we were sitting in the back yard together, him sitting cross legged in some lotus position and with some amusement saying to me 'Ask me any question and I will give you the answer'. I humored him, 'Okay, tell me wise one, how do I become a better person'. He stunned me with 'You already are a better person'. I'd not considered how far I'd come in life up to that point, how my challenges had changed me for the better. Of course, I still had a long way to go, to meet with the person I always imagined I'd be one day. Here I was, having traveled so far from the deeply depressed completely lost self medicating alcohol dependent girl I once was. By this stage, I'd even achieved my #1 goal in life, to meet with a sense of inner peace and inner beauty/self love. This was my ultimate goal, hence having it tattooed in the form of a flower weaved into a peace sign, during my years in depression. I'd been gradually meeting my potential without realising.

We're always becoming a greater version of our self, which can be far from easy. It can be seriously tough mind altering work. Don't forget how far you've come, from who you used to be.

Perhaps the ultimate point behind everything we do involves finding out who we're capable of being.

[Hanna3]

Hi again Daniel and hi The Rising

Daniel it's great you're talking with The Rising but I think you have to both keep seeing the psychologist and do your best to bump yourself out of this cycle of introspection.

I was probably nervous when I took myself on that tour of NZ and I ended up having the time of my life. Sometimes you just have to force yourself to try something new and different. Lots of people won't like me recommending Jordan Peterson to you because he's controversial and I will say I don't agree with him about the type of men women are attracted to, but he has a great deal of good advice and his audience is young men in particular, which is why I recommend him to you. He has heaps of utube videos so maybe you can take a look. His book was a huge best seller and I wish I had it to read when I was younger.

You can do this Daniel. You have a good career so now you can try some new things so you'll have new experiences and new things to talk about, like "hey I've been on this great skiing holiday and met some great people and learnt a new skill and saw new places I haven't been to before" - and then you're making yourself interesting for people to talk to!

You can do this. Cheers 🙂