Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost

[Daniel12]

Hello there I don’t usually do anything like this but I wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. I am a 25 yr old who on the surface should have everything under control as I have a good job, good family yet I increasingly feel like I don’t know what makes me who I am and often feel down and flat when trying to find answers. I know people have much more reason to be depressed than someone like myself but I just constantly felt flat and lost searching for how I am supposed to be and what makes me who I am.
I have been trying to find a partner which has been the source of countless rejection which is all part of it I know but often I’m left feeling like I’m quite a boring person with nothing really that interesting to tell anyone and I am confused as to how to act

I’m usually a quiet natured person but I feel this incredible pressure that I can’t be like that and I am confused as to where I am at with my life

it is difficult for me to put into words I guess it’s just a lost type of feeling of what my place is and who I am and I thought at 25 I might have an idea of this

I know my post hasn’t given a great deal to go off but if anyone has experienced similar at my age I’d be glad to hear what approach you took

thanks

[Daniel12]

Hi therising


Firstly, happy new year and I wish you nothing but good fortune in 2022.
Also wanted to thank you for all your kind words of support and great advice in 2021. I’m sorry if it may feel like it falls on deaf ears sometimes but I can assure you it certainly hasn’t. Your advice and the way you articulate it has relaxed me and I often revisit your advice and remind myself of things you have said so it’s been a massive help! You are a wonderful and wise person!


Funnily enough, what your son said was my thought to my mum at midnight (maybe with a bit more colourful language haha). I’m hoping that despite all the challenges last year that it was the year I needed to set me on my way use all I’ve learnt to help me.


I think you articulate very well the challenge of being able to recognise a thought/feeling and let it go. I’m not sure whether you ever practiced meditation but I remember from when I briefly tried it, it practiced the idea you mentioned to recognise the feeling and accept it and let it pass through your body so you can move on.
I definitely need to do as you say and develop some ways to vent out these feelings rather then letting them get stuck in my head. A good thing is that I exercise often like going to the gym, I think I got a bit stuck when I was told I was not able to play soccer anymore because I stopped exercising because I used to go to the gym for the purpose of gaining strength/conditioning for sport and I let it disappoint me to a point where I stopped. I have started going again and I will continue to go because it now should be medicine for my mind!


I was also thinking over the last couple days to keep a journal throughout this year, maybe not everyday but particularly on the bad days when my thought patterns are a bit haywire.


I need to work on letting things that have plague my mind like having no partner and not knowing where I’ll find one or feeling alone and not having a large amount of friends define my general happiness in daily life because it’s an exhausting process.


I hope I have the strength inside me to persist with working on this and turn the corner this year

[therising]

Hi Daniel

Hoping your new year transition went off without a hitch. It's funny how you can sometimes feel that crossover point, that countdown to zero with all the fireworks in the first seconds of the new year. It's like 'Okay, I feel hopeful' and then you wake up on the 2nd of January and can be left thinking 'I really don't feel all that different. Damn!' Maybe it's natural inspiration we're feeling during the crossover and then inspiration loses momentum, which means the ultimate challenge is to keep it going. It can't be maintained without work and progress. So much easier if inspiration was a constant 🙂

You have also woken me up to a lot throughout the time we've been chatting. If not for you, I wouldn't have had some of the revelations I've had, which have changed the way I think and feel about certain things and people. I've made progress in life because of you. The people you mention in your life who insist you have a great impact on people are absolutely spot on.

I'm glad you've returned to the gym, that you see it as something separate from soccer. It's interesting how people use the gym in different ways. Those who go in the morning might be going to work out that relaxed feeling in their body that comes from being asleep for hours. They go to vibe up. Some who go in the evening go to work out the stress of the day. Others go to work out other things, such as with working out 'I don't want to be someone who doesn't have muscle tone' or 'I don't want to be someone who has too much unhealthy fat in my body' or 'I don't want to be someone who doesn't have a lack of routine'. At the gym, everyone's working out something, in one way or another.

The journal sounds like a brilliant idea. Journaling the good days too might come in handy. You could look back reflecting on both the good and bad days so as to wonder what facets of yourself are doing the journaling on certain occasions. When I think about the depressing lockdowns in Melbourne over the past couple of years, I figured out what aspects of myself were somewhat depressed. The adventurer in me was depressed, some days crying like a small child. On other days, where I felt inspired, the eternal optimist was in play, channeling ideas when it came to looking for the best in a bad situation. Perhaps a journal may make it more obvious as to who is in play or at the forefront during certain times. We're definitely multi faceted.

If parts of you are now beginning to come to life, hold onto your hat 🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Thanks for your kinds words, if some of my inconsistent ramblings have help you in some way I’m glad haha!
I recently read a book I was given as a gift “The Happiest Man on Earth” by Eddie Jaku that I recommend, sends very simplistic message but one I will try to live by throughout the year. Basically that your happiness is in your hands. Thought I’d mention it if you hadn’t heard of it as I remember you mentioned you had self help books.

I think what you suggest about journaling good days as well is a good idea, I didn’t really think of it earlier because my thought was to try something to help “vent” the bad days. But I suppose I can compare the two which might help me to better understand myself and what I’m thinking and feeling and which thoughts/feelings deserve attention and which don’t.

I had/have very similar experiences in lockdowns and looking back at it all. Days where I’d feel motivated and days where I’d just feel really flat and defeated.

An that still plagues me to this day I’d like your advice on how you would see it. I mentioned I think previously this girl I hit it off with and dated and how the situation just abruptly ended where I got “friend-zoned”. It felt like a gut punch because I didn’t see it coming as the time it happened things seemed to be going well, I wasn’t getting ahead of myself but I just didn’t understand it I guess.
It’s plagued my mind since then because we were very similar, got along really well and I know I didn’t come across as a “friend”. I often think back to it like what could I have done different or what did I do as I haven’t connected with anyone like that before.

The whole situation left me baffled and it doesn’t help that she basically lives next door so we run into each other quite a bit which is a reminder and when we have it’s never been awkward if anything it leaves me more confused as to what happened because the interactions are quite good and even when she seems to be dating others she has reached out but I’m aware I can’t do anything.

I guess what I was seeking advice on, sorry for the rambling on, is that I’ve struggled to let the situation go in my head. I have periods where I’m fine and it is what it is but then other times where I sort of hope one day things might turn my way but I feel this is destructive as well. I guess it must be the loneliness factor causing it a bit.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

With you having mentioned 'The happiest man on earth', I read a snippet on line and have decided to purchase it. I cannot help but wonder about Eddie Jaku's philosophies on life, given how traumatic and grief riddled his life must have been at some point, given how angry and resentful he must have been before his mind altering revelations came to him, regarding happiness. I have faith this book will change my life. Thank you for the recommendation.

I may have mentioned before how disappointed I am with the Australian government and how they mismanaged the overall health of their people during lockdowns. My resentment toward the media grew during that time also. The government and the media had the chance to co-operate, to explain to us the mental, physical and even spiritual consequences of so many lockdowns. We could have received an education on how to manage but we didn't get it. It was disappointing not to have guidance regarding the consequences of such a change to our life, impacting our thinking, leading to us to overthinking. The consequences of overthinking were never addressed. The consequences of losing the usual energy based resources (social interaction, vacations and recreation) were not discussed. With few opportunities with which to vacate stress and/or recreate our self in constructive energetic ways, we were left to wonder what was wrong with us, why we were feeling so stressed or so lacking in energy. We were never warned how it could impact us on a soulful level. For some, lockdowns were definitely soul destroying.

Lockdowns were a time of personal reflection, a time of trying to work our self out, a time of wondering 'What's wrong with me? How can I make things right?', an opportunity to come to know our human nature and our soulful nature through such challenges. The government did little more than throw money at mental health bodies that were already under enormous pressure. The approach was reactive, not proactive.

I've come to realise there are days where it's hard to stop overthinking, a habit developed during lockdowns. Reminds me of a quote from Eckhart Tolle

“Not to be able to stop thinking is a dreadful affliction, but we don’t realize this because almost everybody is suffering from it, so it is considered normal. This incessant mental noise prevents you from finding that realm of inner stillness that is inseparable from Being. It also creates a false mind-made self that casts a shadow of fear and suffering.”

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I’m glad you purchased the book! It’s a great read and it has definitely had an impact on me. Also he has a TedTalk on YouTube from when he spoke in Sydney that’s worth a listen as well! His message is simple but given his experiences it is profound!

I have had the exact same thinking through this pandemic. I can completely relate to that pattern of overthinking as this is what developed throughout my time in lockdown and it has exacerbated to a point where it’s really hard to stop it.

Looking back in hindsight I think that unfortunately my want to find a partner coincided with the start of the pandemic so I tried to use the resources available to me to do this such as online dating etc and the process has been really hard on me I think. Exhausting mentally and my hope just got beaten down after false start after false start. The example that I mentioned before that still bothers I think I placed a lot of emphasis on it because it felt different and this ended up contributing to a beaten down mindset as I have carried regret for not making it happen ever since.

I’d like to think with experience I have got better at handling the disappoint of each of these false starts as they continue to come up but it seems now I am entering these situations with very little hope that anything will happen. For example my friend wants me to meet a friend of his girlfriend I may get along with but my immediate mindset is by the time this happens she may be taken or she won’t even like me. I attribute this mindset a lot to the constant narrative that replayed in my head throughout lockdowns.

I am trying to navigate a way to get through this and break this habit with some of the things I’ve mentioned I guess it’s just an issue that continues to get the better of me. Also part of me is scared to show my full self to a potential partner because that would it would involve showing this more vulnerable side and some of the things I struggle with and I fear that may turn someone off as it may look weak.

[Hanna3]

Hi Daniel (and hi The Rising!)

I hesitate to come by again and I haven't read through everything, & I think it's great you have a good rapport with The Rising but I have a few thoughts.

If you will excuse me, you still seem to be stuck in the same loop of chronic overthinking. I bet it's mostly negative, right? I truly think you might benefit from talking face to face with a counsellor -, it's great BB is helping you, but nothing beats chatting with someone in real life. I know The Rising is doing a great job of being a real support as well.

I understand how tough it is when everyone around you seems to be pairing off and you're feeling out of it and lonely, but desperation comes across and it can also lead to poor decisions on your part.

Dating apps are lousy for your self esteem as people make snap decisions often based on superficial things.

Daniel have you thought of travelling either overseas (I know covid has made this difficult) or even around Australia? What about becoming more comfortable with yourself before focusing on finding a partner?

Daniel what are your aims for life? You're obviously intelligent and have a good career. If you want a family, what attributes are you looking for in a partner? A relationship will bring its own challenges and stresses.

Do you want a good sense of humour, kindness, intelligence, is it important she be a practising Christian? Maybe you could think about what attributes you would consider essential or very important in a future relationship. What things are essential and what would you be prepared to compromise on?

Can you meet this girl you mention without thinking of her as a possible potential partner and someone who may reject you but instead just aim to meet up pleasantly and take the pressure off both her and you?

How can you find ways to be more comfortable with your own company, given that meeting the "right" person is almost always difficult and may take some time yet?

What about some books on overthinking? I'd also suggest 12 Rules for Life and you can Google its main ideas.

I truly hope that you can become less absorbed by your own perceived problems as I think you're incredibly self critical. I'd truly like to see you become more content with yourself before you focus on a life partner.

Anyway this is my two cents worth! Cheers.

[Daniel12]

Hi Hanna

Firstly, do not hesitate to add in your two cents whenever you feel I greatly appreciate it! Therising and many others including yourself who have contributed to this thread have been a great help to me.

You are correct that the thought loops are predominantly negative and I would agree with your assessment that I am self critical. I sincerely hope this does not make me seem self absorbed in any way as that is not who I am, that is one thing I know for certain. A lot of the issue which I may have explained previously is that I am somewhat aware that certain thoughts are irrational and too harsh on myself but I get extremely frustrated at myself that I can't seem to stop them or I can but only for short periods.

I have seen 2 psychologists, the first wasn't that great to be honest. The second I am still seeing now and have been for 6 months or so, she has been a great help to me and I will continue to see her when she is available. This thread has been great help to me also but I also wary of being a burden by continuing to post on here so I hope that is not the case. I don't know I have just found some solace in speaking with people, particularly therising, on here as I am learning a great deal.

Dating apps have been soul-destroying and I have made an effort to back off them since lockdowns ended as was recommended by my doctor.

My aims in life is probably a good question, they are quite simple to be honest. I'd just like a stable career, build myself a family and enjoy my life with someone I have a true connection with. Maybe it's too simplistic? I guess part of me doesn't know much more beyond that and that's sort of what I've been brought up to want through my culture etc, may be part of the problem I am not sure. Generally in a partner I guess you could say I just want someone honest, loyal, has a sense of humour, and ultimately someone who makes me the best version of myself and vice versa.

The potential meeting with this girl I mentioned is a situation where it's been put to me as a case of meet her and see what I think. I naturally put pressure on myself about it already which I need to relax I think and give myself a chance to just meet the person with no expectations on myself or them.

I agree with you that I probably need to find ways to be comfortable in my own company again as I believe I've just completely lost this over the last two years.

Thanks again for your help and advice and the book recommendation I will add this to my list.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

Something pops into my head that I'll share: 'How do I practice not thinking?'. To tell you the truth, I don't regularly practice not thinking. In fact, I think way too much at times. It's become a terrible habit in some cases. I used to practice it a little more. For example, I would be sitting on the couch and what would occasionally naturally pop into my head from out of the blue, 'Get up and get a glass of water'. Normally, if I was to think, I would begin thinking 'No, I can't be bothered. I'll do it later'. Of course, I wouldn't do it later. I'd continue to think my way out of getting that glass of water. So, I began to not think. When 'Get up and get a glass of water' came to mind, I would get up without thinking and get that water. I'd achieve drinking it, without a single thought in my mind. It was a simple exercise but surprising at the same time, how easily I could do something without thinking. I hope all that makes sense.

For me to get out of the habit of thinking, I have to practice and practice and practice not thinking, not mentally process absolutely everything. I believe balance, in this case, is important otherwise we become a completely thoughtless person, which doesn't really serve anyone.

When I meet people, what naturally comes to mind is something along the lines is 'Gradually introduce yourself to them'. So, on initial introduction I'll reveal a certain level of who I am. On the next occasion I might start to get more of a feel for what else I can reveal to them, possibly taking it up a level. There are some parts of who I am that I'll never reveal to certain people. As mentioned, I'm somewhat of a woo woo gal, so I'm not going to introduce that part of myself to people who are going to slam it to the degree of complete degradation. There's no point, unless I'm up for some depressing or angering confrontation from them. To others, who can relate to some degree, I'll introduce them to that part of myself. I think it's something we naturally get a feel for, what others can handle about us and what they can't and the rate at which they're able to manage getting to know us. I think we have to be able to say to our self 'There's no rush', when it comes to revealing who we naturally are. Sometimes it's even worth saying to our self 'If that person can't manage coming to know me that's not necessarily my fault, based on what they bring to the party'. Some will bring their own preconceived ideas, which may be wrong.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

That definitely makes sense and as you say it would take practice but I feel I am quite similar to you in the sense that where you described thinking yourself out of doing something, this is what I do a lot. I can't even begin to count the number of times I have been in a situation where for example a bar I think "I should approach this persona and say hello" and I have thought myself out of doing it and become overcome with anxiousness.

I agree with you that a balance is necessary, as I would say for example from what you have mentioned about yourself that you are a tremendously thoughtful person and I believe this to be a massive strength and good quality as from talking with you I can tell you have a better grip on deciphering your thoughts. I think it is natural to let thoughts spill over I think it is unavoidable at times but the challenge is not letting the negative ones compound on top of each other which is what I feel I do quite a bit.

I often approach meeting new people the same way as you have described, generally I would be polite and for tof feel my way into the interaction. I have tried lately to tell myself if someone that I meet was to have issue with me this is not necessarily on me as I would like to think I am fairly easy going, quiet natured and polite therefore I should at least sustain a rapport with most people but I realise I will not be liked by all which has been an issue also as growing up lacking that sense of belonging at school made me want to just be friends with people as that is what I felt I lacked.

I feel there is a lot of pressure also today for people around my age to have it figured out because of the resources at our disposal, over the new year/festive period I had a think about what exactly it is that I want at the moment. Whilst my core "wants" won't change like wanting a true connection with a partner and a happy family life. Work I would like to establish my own business and work for myself in my field one day and to be honest whilst I very much enjoy what I do and have a passion and interest in it, I have never been overly career oriented. My mantra in this aspect of life is "work to live" not "live to work" so I see it as a means of helping me enjoy my life with those around me I have a connection with. I have sort of thought about this a bit and maybe it's too simple, should I have bigger and bolder ambitions with life and should I have these down pat by now at 25?

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I don't think we necessarily have to have everything worked out by a certain age. I believe you can gradually get a feel for what you want or need at any given stage/age of your life. For example, while I had people saying to me after I left school 'You should go onto study something', my idea more so involved not finding a career but working to simply 'fund my life' through jobs I enjoyed. It wasn't until my late 20s that I applied to TAFE to study a course in disability services. So, I did return to education when I felt the need. While most around me were starting a family, I waited 'til I was 31 to have my 1st child because I never felt the need before this. So, you never know, you might end up starting your own business down the track. Perhaps you just don't feel the need intensely right now, it's not that strong in the present moment. Some folk are fully driven by feeling a deep need. If the need's not there, the drive's not there. When you hear about someone who goes skydiving for the 1st time at 90, this might be based on the fact that their need for adventure hasn't kicked in 'til now. Their mantra is 'Better late than never', rather than 'I'm too old to do that'. Such a person will ignore all those around them that say 'You're too old for that', then they'll go up in a plane and land safely back on earth. Their proclamation, 'That was one of the greatest things I've ever done/felt in my life'. Imagine missing out on one of the greatest things in your life because people talked you out of it.

I thought of you yesterday morning when I heard someone touch on the topic of 'Metacognition'. It sounds like an absolutely fascinating topic. While it's simply defined as 'The understanding of one's own thought processes', it's more complex when you consider thoughts can be made up of words and images, what we hear and see in our mind. Even more complex - How does what we hear and see in our mind lead us to feel and how does this lead us to navigate life. I've never heard of metacognition before. It's seriously triggered my sense of wonder.

I believe feeling a sense of acceptance is something that's built into us, a part of our nature. Whether it's a part of our animal nature or it dates back to our tribal nature, we're often looking to find the tribe we vibe with. There are some truly shi**y tribes out there, especially within schools.

Btw, I bought the book, 'The happiest man on earth'. I look forward to reading it on my next day off.