Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost

[Daniel12]

Hello there I don’t usually do anything like this but I wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. I am a 25 yr old who on the surface should have everything under control as I have a good job, good family yet I increasingly feel like I don’t know what makes me who I am and often feel down and flat when trying to find answers. I know people have much more reason to be depressed than someone like myself but I just constantly felt flat and lost searching for how I am supposed to be and what makes me who I am.
I have been trying to find a partner which has been the source of countless rejection which is all part of it I know but often I’m left feeling like I’m quite a boring person with nothing really that interesting to tell anyone and I am confused as to how to act

I’m usually a quiet natured person but I feel this incredible pressure that I can’t be like that and I am confused as to where I am at with my life

it is difficult for me to put into words I guess it’s just a lost type of feeling of what my place is and who I am and I thought at 25 I might have an idea of this

I know my post hasn’t given a great deal to go off but if anyone has experienced similar at my age I’d be glad to hear what approach you took

thanks

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I think where you say if your thinking is distracting you then you’re overthinking this is very relatable. It’s exactly what I feel is happening to me and stopping me from fully enjoying myself or letting things naturally come to me.

Sorry to mention it again but I feel like the key cause of this is feeling lonely all the time, I don’t really have many friends to talk to and the ones I do have don’t reach out or take ages to get back to me when I do. Therefore what happens is I spend so much time on my own thinking and overthinking that I’ve developed this habit and it happens now when I’m even with family. For example, at Christmas dinner I am there contributing and then all of a sudden it’s like a switch goes off in my brain and I’m present without being fully present because my minds elsewhere. Just makes me feel horrible about myself.

I feel, and it sounds silly to say given the stuff I’ve said, that I am making progress on being comfortable in my personality type…that more quiet, soft natured type of person. I’m starting to see it is likeable overall.

The issue is just this focusing a lot on feeling loneliness and this constant overthinking. Also lately I just feel flat like I’m not looking forward to the New Year because I see it as a another year of fighting against myself in my head. People say to be get out and find new friends etc but I don’t think they realise even after I tell them how much I’ve tried to do this and I am exhausted.
Just feel an incredible pressure to be 100% all the time because of the things I have going for me and because people tell me to be and then add pressures to find friends and a partner it’s suffocating.

Interestingly I think from the outside looking in I manage it all pretty well, I’ve had people I have told of my struggle with this be very surprised because they believe I don’t give this off at all. But I think many people would be like that.

Basically feels a bit like I’m going round and round in circles and you probably can tell this from my posts to you and my intention isn’t to be frustrating or anything because your words of advice have been really great and I often re-read them. I get angry at myself for being like this.

This time of year doesn’t help as I see a lot of people around me doing things and I really don’t have anything planned at all. My family is my family and will always be there so it’s not about that more so socially.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

It's tough when the pressure's on to establish a friendship group. Can recall a few people giving me grief over this for some years until they finally gave up. 'You have to get out and meet new people' was the typical line. The thing is, for me, I didn't want to establish new friendship groups until I really felt the need within myself. My life was busy enough and I regarded family members as friends. My reply to those who couldn't help but push was 'There is a season'. It's in reference to there being a time for everything. There will be times where I put myself out there and times where I won't. I'm not someone who makes friends for the sake of making friends. For me, there has to be more to it than this. I used to think 'What's wrong with me? Why don't I want to establish a new circle of friends? What is my problem?' I eventually realised it wasn't a problem, it was a preference. Others were turning it into a problem, based on their perspective.

Wondering a little more about your sister's circle of friends. If you get along well with them, I'm wondering why they're not also your circle of friends. Perhaps they're not entirely your type of people. As I may have mentioned, my sister's circle of friends eventually became my circle. While my sister's ex husband has well and truly moved out of this circle, I'm still married to he who was his best mate at the time and I still see people from this group. My sister's been one of my closest friends for years by the way. I think some may have judged this as me initially being a 'hanger on' to her circle but I'm glad I hung on, as my current life stemmed from this group of people. I have my amazing kids because of someone I met in that group.

Without being able to entirely see how things pan out, I can't assume that a group I meet in the future won't hold one key person within it. For example, I can be destined to meet a group who I don't entirely vibe well with but within it holds a person who has another circle outside that group. Perhaps the key person is key to me meeting that other circle, full of people I vibe best with. This may be the case with your sister's friendship group. I suppose this is the way I've almost always met new people, through links.

Is there a group of people right under your nose who you really vibe well with? Doesn't necessarily matter about their age, for perhaps they're simply a link to those who you're on the verge of meeting.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I have been going through very similar to what you described where people say I have to go out with new people and it’s almost like they think I can just pluck it out of thin air. It’s very suffocating because I feel pressure to do this in order for me to meet a partner like you were able to through the group of friends you found. It leads to getting disheartened because it’s not that I am not likeable but I feel I am not memorable to new groups so I find it hard to assimilate in wider groups as I’ve often been forgotten after first meetings and I don’t like to impose myself. Probably partially my fault when I think about it due to anxiousness.

I did sort of make a step forward or it might not be but in the regard of making new connections, I fought off a bit of apprehension and anxiety to ask my friend and his girlfriend if they know of anyone I might be able to connect with or someone I might be suited to as a partner and if so I’d be happy to meet these people. I’m saying this although they’ve said there’s someone and we’ll do like a games night to all meet, I don’t hold out hope for this because knowing my friends it probably won’t be organised and I don’t want yo impose further to push it.

In terms of my sisters friends, I have been on some golf days with her fiancés friends who I all get along with ok but the group is sort of set in stone and I am not really that well known around them as I tend to keep to myself in daily life and don’t do things like post on social media etc so it may be awkward for me to all of sudden join in.

I feel very confused as to how I should be feeling going into the new year. On the one hand, I graduated my engineering degree and got promoted in my student role at the company I work for to become full time and I have got myself in shape and things like that so I feel I should be happy with myself but the one area I’m lacking is a partner and I go down because of it. I look into the new year after all the false starts and false hopes I’ve been sold and I feel like not much is going to change. At a time where I should be high on confidence I am not and I feel disappointed in myself.

There’s events like a friends wedding and my sisters wedding coming up that I should be looking forward to but I’m incredibly anxious about them because I’m alone at these events and have nothing to offer.

It’s like I’m riding waves, one wave that’s rational thoughts followed by one that’s the complete opposite.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I wonder whether you feel like you're being tested in some way, with you mentioning the waves of rational and opposing thoughts.

• A rational thought may test you to see if you can lead yourself to push your friends to organise that games night
• A rational thought may test you to see if you can lead yourself to practice golfing
• A rational thought may test you to see if you can lead yourself to become more memorable to certain people

Of course, these are just examples, yet the question remains 'Where are the rational thoughts coming from?'. Personally, I found it incredibly helpful to identify certain parts of myself, something I've touched on before. I've found if I can consciously label these different aspects of myself then I can consciously call upon one when needed. Each aspect of self is a leader of sorts, leading me to a desired result. If I was to find myself in a situation which was intolerable, such as being shut down repetitively in a conversation with a degrading narcissist, I could not tolerate this conversation if I was my gentle self. As my gentle self, I might clam up, become anxious or maybe even cry. In this situation, if I was to channel my intolerant self it would be very different. My intolerant sense of self would lead me to tell them their attitude is intolerable. It would lead me to understand it's perfectly rational to be shutting this down. In this case, I'm being tested to channel a sense of self that serves me best, one that also leads me to greater self esteem.

The thing about channeling or calling upon a different aspect of yourself, there's no acting involved. A particular sense of self just naturally comes up to serve us in some way. It's not easy by the way. Sometimes this can shake you up. Eg: There might be a moment where someone calls upon an aspect of themself that will no longer tolerate terrible long term abuse. Suddenly they may find themself having a massive vent at someone because they just can't take the abuse anymore. They can be left quite shaken after their intolerant or courageous self has come to life. Or you can have the 'Go get 'em' part of yourself saying 'You got this. Go for it'. You go for it, while perhaps shaking a little through your rise to courage. With every test you master, you get closer to being a full master, less shaken up over time.

Perhaps this coming year will be a year that tests you to graduate to becoming more masterful. Perhaps it will be your year of conscious evolution 🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I think you raise another good point. It sort of feels like I’m challenging myself to start rationalising certain thoughts I have been having for a long period of time.

What I would like in the new year is not to go through what seems to be a repeating cycle in my head each day.
What I feel I go through each day is from moment I wake up to the moment I sleep at night I’m continually working through these up and down thoughts. I’ll have an hour or so of “irrationality” and then it’s almost like a light bulb moment where for a couple hours I’m rational. Then what confuses me is with no real trigger I go back to the other mode of thinking. This by the end of the night is exhausting.
It’s a very internal thing and I feel I can operate despite this ok.

The weekends is where its more severe because I am on my own and I feel pressure that at my age I need to be out and doing things all the time if I want to meet people etc. I used to really enjoy my own company and would do things like spend a few hours training or going for a longer walk and I wouldn’t feel uncomfortable.
It’s not that I hate my own company now it’s just become a bit uncomfortable and sad in a way but I’m trying to work out whether that’s just coming from pressure i put on myself to have massive groups of friends or find a partner.

I hope in the new year I can start to listen to the rational thoughts I know I have in me and relax my mind from worrying about things that don’t align with who I believe I am and discovering myself to be.

I think I am a very deep thinker and it can go to an extent where it is detrimental to my enjoyment of life because I get drained and I start to believe the negative thought loops and I find it hard to pull myself out of the black hole of continuous thinking and thinking and thinking.

I don’t think overall it’s a bad thing that I’m a deep thinker but I think all the alone time throughout lockdowns created a pattern where I’d get lost down a rabbit hole of thoughts and I felt too weak in the mind to pull myself out of it and it therefore effects my mood and enjoyment of daily life. I really admire people with the ability to almost stop trains of thought and allow themselves to relax and enjoy moments.

When you were around my age did you feel like you were going through this at all? If so, how were you able to sort of manage continuous thinking to the point where it makes you anxious and effects moods like I have mentioned?

[james1]

Merry Christmas Daniel12 and Therising,

Sorry I've been a bit absent. I was away over CHristmas so never really go tmuch of a chance to reply.

Congrats on the promotion and graduation Daniel12! That's exciting.

I know you were asking therising, about their experiences with all these thoughts at your age - I hope you do not mind if I pipe in here. I think it's something that can affect people of all different ages, because it's just a very human thing to have doubts and it can be really debilitating if you don't have the support you need to help you through it.

I was speaking to someone else on these forums who I think was 25ish and had similar challenges with having looping negative thoughts that they just couldn't get rid of, and it was really affecting their life. In my own experience with those kinds of thoughts, it is really hard to get rid of them and sometimes you just end up having a really bad day. My approach was really focussed around making sure I would be okay if I was having a bad day, rather than avoiding the bad day. It might just be specific to me, but I found it easier and less anxiety-causing to just accept that some days were going to be bad, but if I could have a system of taking care of myself, I could get by and work on other things to improve my life overall.

What are your thoughts on that? I don't know if it's necessarily a great strategy, but I just found it put a lot less pressure on myself to feel good and to not be as affected by bad days and set-backs like you mentioned before.

James

[therising]

Hi Daniel

James offers some brilliant advice, preparing for the tougher days. I'd never really considered this before. My basic plan was always to 'just get through the tough days', which is not really much of a plan at all. Personally, I got through the whole of my 20s by drinking/self medicating. It was so incredibly self destructive but, over all, it was based on me trying to cope with depression. Of course, alcohol is a depressant, so you can imagine how that went.

I definitely find analysing/thinking to be a bit of a trap at times. While it makes perfect sense to analyse a situation, mentally process its challenges toward solutions, you can get trapped in it until the solution/s come to mind. While one challenge may take a day of thinking before a solution comes to mind, another may take a month or a year. So, you're trapped in thinking about it/analysing it for a month or a year. I found one of things that makes some difference at times comes down to wondering whether particular opportunities hold a solution or part solution to a problem...

Just say the problem or challenge comes down to someone finding a job, while they may not have the confidence required to pull off a successful job interview. They can think 'I can't sit for job interviews because I'm terrible at them'. One person comes along and shows them the basics of a successful job interview yet they think 'I can't do that'. Five job opportunities come up yet they think 'I can't take them because those jobs are 'Just not me''. So, they remain without a job. The 1st was an opportunity to develop a skill set and the remaining 5 opportunities were about practicing that skill set. They had the chance to practice an interview 5 times before going for the job they actually want. You could even say by the 5th interview they may have become more thoughtless to a degree (generating less thought) because they may have developed some natural abilities that don't require much thought in an interview, like thoughtlessly identifying where the interviewee chair will be positioned in the room or thoughtlessly getting a feel for the difference between a relaxed interviewer and one who's highly strung.

We can think our way out of opportunities which lead to natural development. It can be a real challenge to develop the attitude 'I'll take this opportunity and see what comes from it'. Channeling the curious part of our self could be the way to go, while that fearful part of us is forced to take a back seat.

[Daniel12]

Hi James

Thanks for the advice I really appreciate it and I always find if a certain strategy works for you then that’s great!

I think what you said about pressure to feel good I can relate to because I do feel pressure to feel 100% all of the time so that other family members don’t worry about me because they tend to do this and I don’t want that.

I think what happens on the bad days is I go down a rabbit hole and I focus too much on the fact it’s a “bad day”. I should probably accept that it’s one of those days and focus on an hour at a time to help get me through. Not really sure how I’d manage it but I’ll try it.

Thanks again for your advice

Daniel

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

What you said about thinking before a solution for a month or a year is exactly how I feel with find a long term partner. I don’t think I will be able to stop until I manage to find someone. The challenge is being able to think more clearly and logically about it so that it doesn’t affect my moods the way it has been and consume my life.

Maybe the opportunity is this games night my friend mentioned where there may be someone who is compatible with me as has been mentioned to me. This is relatively out of my control because they said they will organise it as they know the people. I have said I’m open to the opportunity of meeting this person so I guess that’s some sort of step in the right direction. I don’t actually think this will go ahead but maybe it’s these type of things I need to try and pursue however limited these opportunities are.

I think a lot of it as well is I’m worrying in anticipation that we’ll spend another 3/4 months in lockdown and then my chances of finding someone again drop dramatically and I don’t have the energy to go through what I did this year with trying online again and again. As mentioned my social circle is not huge so it will definitely be very hard if this situation arises again.

I think part of the problem with the thinking I do on repeat is I can create scenarios in my head which are irrational and not likely at all to happen and it either works me up with anxiety or brings me down to a depression where I end up just doing nothing with myself and beat myself up over it. I’m working hard to try and manage this type of thing and not let it spiral. I use the advice that I’ve been given on here to help me.

I’ve just been looking toward the new year with not much hope of things changing but I think I need to change the narrative in my head a bit to the opposite line of thinking. I guess I just feel uncomfortable with how things are and how it feels like it’s just making it up as I go with no real idea of what to do.

I hope you have a good New Year’s Eve and the new year is filled with joy for you!

[therising]

Hi Daniel

Hoping your crossover into the new year went well. As my son said to me around 5 past 12 this morning 'Gee, I'm glad that year's over'. He really put things into perspective for me. Another way of putting it, I suppose, is 'The worst is now behind me. I'm glad I got that out of the way'. I wanted to share his perspective with you, in the hope that it helps make some difference 🙂

You mention, 'The challenge is being able to think more clearly and logically about it so that it doesn’t affect my moods the way it has been and consume my life.'. I've found this is one of the toughest things in life to master, especially when you're sensitive enough to feel your thoughts and experiences. Pure 100% logic over feeling really is tough. I'm still trying to figure out how to do this. You know what it's like, you can be thinking 'Okay, I've got this, I'm not feeling effected by this thought. All's good'. Then the next thought comes in and it's like 'Damn, I can feel this one. I thought I had it mastered, this 'not feeling my thoughts' business'. I once heard someone speak of how to manage this to some degree. What they advised was 'There's nothing wrong with feeling a thought. The problem comes with being stuck in that feeling'. Their advice was to observe the feeling, acknowledge it with gratitude (based on it telling you something important) and then let the feeling in your body go, once you've given the respect to it that it deserves. Easier said than done at times, that's for sure. So, the idea is not to remain triggered by that feeling. Never thought about this before but I suppose you could define a mood as 'the state of remaining with a feeling'. Let go of the feeling in your body and your over all mood can change. Finding ways to vent that feeling is so important, when it just wants to hang around. Working it out (a workout) at the gym might be one way. Some will cry it out, scream it out or run it out on a treadmill. Others may talk it out or vent it out through mindful breath work. Some may stretch it out, if that feeling comes with physical tension. The list goes on. Whatever works. Perhaps it's a matter of 'Now that I've worked that feeling out of my body, I can get on with thinking logically'. While feelings are incredibly handy at times (helping us get a natural feel for things, people or situations), they can definitely get in the way of pure logic.

Perhaps the all sports idea for this year may prove to be a very constructive work out.