Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost

[Daniel12]

Hello there I don’t usually do anything like this but I wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. I am a 25 yr old who on the surface should have everything under control as I have a good job, good family yet I increasingly feel like I don’t know what makes me who I am and often feel down and flat when trying to find answers. I know people have much more reason to be depressed than someone like myself but I just constantly felt flat and lost searching for how I am supposed to be and what makes me who I am.
I have been trying to find a partner which has been the source of countless rejection which is all part of it I know but often I’m left feeling like I’m quite a boring person with nothing really that interesting to tell anyone and I am confused as to how to act

I’m usually a quiet natured person but I feel this incredible pressure that I can’t be like that and I am confused as to where I am at with my life

it is difficult for me to put into words I guess it’s just a lost type of feeling of what my place is and who I am and I thought at 25 I might have an idea of this

I know my post hasn’t given a great deal to go off but if anyone has experienced similar at my age I’d be glad to hear what approach you took

thanks

[therising]

Hi Daniel

Might sound a bit strange but I've found, when it comes to progress, I can experience a depressing kind of progress at times. I know that sounds contradictory in a way, for how can you have a depressing form of progress. What comes to mind is 'The more awake you are, the more you begin to see what the problem is or what the issues are. The more awake you are, the more these things become magnified'. So, it's like you can be half asleep to the need to experience a deeper kind of love and then suddenly you fully wake up to it, this need, only to find it's not there in the form you'd like most. All the ways it's not there become magnified. It's all studied carefully under a microscope. I suppose you could say you're 100% fully conscious of the need to experience love but not 100% fully conscious of all the ways in which you could go about finding it. Life can feel kind of cruel in a way, how this happens. It would be so much kinder if life handed us all the knowledge we needed in relation to what we've just woken up to.

I recall, a couple of years back, where I'd woken up to certain aspects of myself and of life. While I was excited, I also felt so incredibly lost. Whenever I feel this way I have a trusted guide who I go to. When I met up with him and described to him the ways in which I'd woken up at this point in my life, he smiled. He was happy for me. He gave me some brilliant advice which, looking back over the past couple of years, was spot on. He said something along the lines of 'I want you to imagine you've come to the edge of where you've been and here you are on the top of a cliff, surveying this incredible land before you, one you never fully realised existed until now. It is so incredibly expansive to the point where there appears to be no end to it. While you cannot wait to get started, I want you to stand there for a while and just take it all in. Don't be in such a hurry to get to anywhere in particular, as things will naturally unfold as you go along'. This can be incredibly hard to do, simply survey, when instant satisfaction can feel so fulfilling.

What put me on that verge, surveying everything I was about to explore in life, was profound. I'd woken up to who I am and I truly fully loved and accepted myself for the first time ever. That's what put me on the verge of change, self love and self acceptance.

Are you beginning to wake up to/feel the stirrings of self love and self acceptance? If so, you are on the verge of change 🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

It doesn’t sound strange to be honest it makes perfect sense to me and I can relate to that, you have described it far better than I have been able to explain. It has been feeling like two steps forward and one step back for me and I think as you say I’m at a point where I’m potentially more aware of what I am and what makes me valuable the way I am without fully realising it. The inability to fully believe is the “step back” I think I’m experiencing and probably a fault of mine is I get angry at myself for doing this and then ensues the depressed like feelings.

What your friend told you is very powerful I think, particularly where you say “don't be in such a hurry to get to anywhere in particular, as things will naturally unfold as you go along”. I think the loneliness I feel magnifies intensely that I want a partner and it probably makes me feel pressure to find this right away to help quell those feelings. Not sure if that makes sense to you at all.

Maybe I need to somehow find ways to relax and allow for things to naturally unfold as your friend mentions. I probably struggle with practical ways to do this as when I’m on my own my mind starts racing again, I think this is the part of the loneliness I hate the most is what it does to my mind because I can’t seem to switch off. I guess the fact that I have been committed to working through all this is somewhat of a positive.

I think I am learning to accept myself I think maybe I get down on myself when I have one of those “step back” moments because it feels like I’ll never truly get rid of self doubt and loneliness. Maybe another detrimental aspect of me is I feel uncomfortable in releasing control to let things naturally occur because I feel pressure that if I am not spending my spare time seeking out and working on things like finding a partner I’ll never find it and this actually exhausts me as well. I’m probably not very good at managing loneliness to be honest.

Someone mentioned to me the other day, have I maybe started the process of “realising my confidence” and only just scratched the surface of it. They mentioned some people develop it when they are 16/17 others at my age and others when they are older. Maybe I have started this process but there’s still opposing feelings (ie lonely, self questioning) that need to ironed out and worked on further.

I have lost my way at times this year which has disappointed me also but maybe I needed to a bit

[Daniel12]

Hi again therising

Just wanted to add something further on a side note.

Just wanted to wish you a very happy festive season and a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! I hope you get to enjoy it with family and friends and hopefully have a good relaxing break! One thing I am very grateful for this Christmas was being able to converse on a forum like this and you have been an extraordinary help and I find myself using some of the wise words of advice you’ve imparted on me on others and I hope one day to be a help to others as you are doing!

Just wanted to add that to the below quickly!

Daniel

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I find there are times where I have to practice being my natural self. Kind of strange when I think about it really, practicing being me. I suppose what I'm saying is there are the occasional times where I may let my natural self down by reverting back to acting how others would like me to act. For example, someone may say something a little insulting to me and something in me says 'Don't rock the boat. Shrug it off and pretend you didn't hear it or just smile politely'. Later, the natural bi*ch in me may come to life and say 'What the hell was that about? You should have said something, not enable that toxic behaviour'. Maybe I have to practice wondering out loud more often - 'I wonder why you feel the need to be so toxic at times' 🙂 I'm determined to kick the habit of being anyone other than myself. It can be a hard habit to break under certain circumstances. I think as long as we're trying, we can't afford to be too hard on our self. Self mastery is a process, it doesn't happen suddenly. We'll be tested more often than not, to see if we are actually mastering putting our revelations into practice. It's like I can suddenly proclaim through some revelation 'I'm fearless' but there's only one way to find out whether this is the truth - by putting my fearlessness to the test. Beware, this is where that angering and depressing internal dialogue can come into play...

Just say you face a situation where you get to practice your fearlessness and you find you fall seriously short. Courage goes out the door and what begins to come to mind is 'You'll never be fearless. This is a perfect example' blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Let's follow this up with 'You're so stupid, hopeless'. It's bloody horrible stuff, that internal dialogue. Cue some inspiration: 'This wasn't the right test for you. Why don't you start with something simple, something a little low key to practice on' or 'Why don't you do something absolutely shocking so you'll be shocked by how fearless you are'. Much prefer inspiration. It sounds so much more encouraging 🙂

Channeling the right internal dialogue is something else that takes a lot of practice. I suppose you could say hitting on the right internal dialogue is a little like 'channel surfing'.

Shall sign off with a Buddhist quote which is rather profound as I wish you and yours the absolute best during this season of celebration and reflection.

'What you are is what you have been. What you will be is what you do now'

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I think I understand what you’re saying and I think I beat myself up a lot over moments where I might revert back to bad habits or internal dialogue. To switch this off is quite hard but like you say it’s a process. I think I can get impatient with myself a lot and want to get to a certain destination quicker than what would be suited for me if that makes sense. I basically struggle to allow myself room to breath because of pressures around me for example find a partner when everyone else has one or thinking I need 100s of friends to be considered favourably by people etc. It’s this weight of pressure that’s hard to manage.

Also, was wondering if you had ever felt this way but I sort of feel like progress is being made with my own self worth and realisation if that makes sense but I have this sadness deep inside me about being alone which makes any progress seem futile.

I don’t know if you’ve ever felt this way but it’s a deep loneliness that I’ve mentioned before and I am struggling to find ways in which I can manage this feeling. For example I might be good for a few hours and the minute I’m on my own for a moment of reflection I get really down and sad about the fact I don’t have anyone that I connect with or have many people socially outside of family that seem to like me. Then I think how can I be showing progress if I still have these moments.

I realise 90% of my issues always come back to feeling alone, I really don’t know how to manage this feeling without putting a lot of pressure on myself to find a partner and I don’t won’t to find someone under pressure because it won’t be natural but I also don’t want to experience these lows of sadness I get because of it. That probably makes no sense at all it’s just really scrambling my brain, particularly this time of year.

I thought things may have been turning for me with that girl I dated but didn’t work and I often beat myself up over it and it’s not really that specific situation it’s more what it stands for and that’s that I feel alone even though I have family around me etc. It’s the root cause of all these spirals I have and I see it now because it always starts with lonely feelings and then I allow it to spiral into other areas like that I’m weird because I’m quiet and other things I have mentioned.

I am really struggling to help myself just relax and calm these loneliness feelings down, I find it to be a massive challenge. Was wondering if you ever felt similar ?

[therising]

Hi Daniel

Merry Christmas 🙂

I can relate to what you're saying regarding some of the elements involved in becoming your natural self. There can be so much challenge in such a process. It can be such a depressing process at times, one that has led me on occasion to wonder whether I'm returning to depression. You wouldn't think discovering your self would be depressing but I think it can be. I've found it's not all inspiring revelations and pure joy 100% of the time.

I'd have to say that the most rejection I've ever felt and still feel on occasion involved/involves discovering my natural self. As I've mentioned, I'm one of those 'woo woo' gals, who favours certain elements of spirituality. These elements have gotten me through the toughest of times so, personally, I've found they work well for me. Of course, not everyone's cup of tea and that's not a problem. The problem comes with people rejecting you when you find what works for you. Let's say you reject social media. Suddenly, everyone may say 'There's seriously something wrong with you'. Truth is, there's not. This may simply work well. My 16yo son's like this, has zero interest in social media. He figures he's got better things to do with his time.

I imagine Christmas lunch today (with 16 of my family members) will be triggering if I was to choose to be my natural self. If I'm to let my natural self wonder out loud, it's definitely going to involve me being seriously rejected. If I wonder at my father as to why he's so self centred at times or I wonder at my sister in law as to why she feels there's no problem flopping her breast out in front of everyone to feed her son or if I'm to wonder at my auntie as to why she feels the compulsion to openly brutally criticise people, you can imagine how that's going to go. Will I do it or won't I? Will I be my natural self or not? I'll let you know how it goes 🙂 I could actually see it as a test. Perhaps I'll accept the test for my mum's sake. She's a beautiful woman who people feel they can do and say whatever they want around. She's stressed about this gathering of insane people today. Btw, I've only mentioned a few of the triggering people coming. There's more. Maybe I'll simply act as a form of amusement for my mum 🙂

It can feel lonely at times, discovering your natural self. There can be a bit of rejection from those who can't relate to who you naturally are. It can be tough work, entering into the process of no longer rejecting your self.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising


Merry Christmas to you also, I hope you have enjoyed your day 🙂


How did your Christmas lunch go? How did you manage the different people there?


I feel despite age difference we may be quite similar in this situation. I have often been one to sit back and let things happen around me more so at social events in particular often grappling whether I am coming across weird for being my more quiet natured self or whether I need to force a more extroverted version of myself out. Often it’s in fear of how I will be judged by others.


I think it’s very positive you have something, like the spiritual elements you mentioned, that you use to help get you through. I think I probably haven’t got something like this at the moment and it’s part of the problem. I saw a good quote in a biography I have been reading lately that sort of hit home as to what it feels like, “young people don’t take time to stop and seem to be always running but don’t know where they are running to”.


I think this is how I feel as well, I struggle to just stop sometimes and enjoy. Particularly since lockdowns I haven’t been able to relax and just enjoy things in my life. It feels like I’m always scrambling when trying to find a deeper connection with someone but I actually don’t know what the right path is to find this or where I’ll end up and I feel all over the place as it’s sort of like I’m making it all up as I go and it’s exhausting. This then leads to lonely and depressed feelings that affect my everyday life.


I seem to worry about things and question myself at every turn and I am tired of this, I struggle to let things take their natural course and I am disappointed in myself that I do this.


I have struggled more than before lockdowns as I see everyone around me like at a Christmas lunch have a partner to share it with and it makes me feel alone. I think I have made the mistake that I let it define me a bit but I really don’t know the best way to manage the loneliness or the feelings it sparks. My fear is that I can’t manage it, the loneliness and it’ll slowly eat away at me as it has been doing.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

Christmas day went pretty well. Everyone was on their best behaviour, myself included 🙂 Hoping the day went well for you also.

Fearing being judged can be a hard habit to break. This is one of the reasons I drank throughout the whole of my 20s. Alcohol brings about a kind of fearlessness but, as I've mentioned before, it can interfere with us naturally progressing to discover a genuine fearlessness. Relying heavily on a mind altering substance isn't the way to go, in my opinion. It took me a long time to love the introvert in me and not see something wrong with it. How does a natural introvert develop extrovert type abilities? I'm still working that out. Knowing, for a start, that I can't do small talk is helpful. Apparently this is a perfectly natural trait of an introvert. I'll look for any lead in to a conversation that doesn't involve small talk. Creating segues out of small talk is another ability. Easier said than done.

I've heard it said that the brain doesn't finish fully developing until around 25. Experts say the last part to fully develop is that which is responsible for long term vision/planning. It's kind of cruel in a way. It's like having 25 years of not having to plan and then the brain wakes up to the need to plan and we can have no solid plans. 'How do I make plans while stopping to smell the roses?' can become the question. The brain can suddenly be saying 'Okay, where's my future wife/husband? Where's my future home? Where's my future self?', all while another part of us is saying 'Just chill and learn to live in the moment'. It's like you've entered a whole new chapter of life yet you don't have the instruction manual, to be able to reference that chapter.

Making it all up as you go along is definitely exhausting. Life can feel like some seriously long winded Goldilocks type experiment. In reference to so much in life you can be left asking yourself 'Is this one (thought, action, path etc) too hot (too intense), too cold (not intense enough) or just right?' Why does it take so long to find what's 'just right'? Took me years to reach the conclusion - No one ever showed me how to find what's just right easily. This is why it's so hard. There's little training. One of the most important things we can learn in life is how to gradually and constructively raise our own consciousness. How can we do, easily, what we've never been trained in? Research is key. Occasionally I might ask Google 'How do I raise my own consciousness' 🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising


I’m glad to hear your Christmas went pretty well! 🙂 Mine went well also.

It’s not that I can’t do small talk but I think similar to yourself I will wait for my “cue” so to speak to contribute to a conversation but I am never the focal point. I think I do have the ability to make people laugh and engage then when I do contribute. My disappointment in myself comes because I don’t show it more often because I feel fear of rejection or I feel what I have to say is not valued or taken notice of. Then it turns into pressure to show myself in ways that would be unnatural or try to force contributions out when I’m not really sure how to. If that make sense.
Then as a off-shoot of this I feel pressure to be fully enjoying myself every moment because I should have the world at my feet at this age and it’ll also make me seem more attractive to potential partners if I am like this.

I completely get what you’re saying about not really knowing the future plan or having the sort of end goal in mind and no idea how to find it and making it up as you go. In terms of career and things like that I feel settled, it’s more matters concerning emotions and connections I want to form etc.

For example, I seem to be fixated on how I am going yo meet the right person to share life with. As mentioned before it stems from loneliness, whilst I’m not alone in a family sense I am at a point where I feel lonely regardless of this because I am missing this one thing. People say be yourself because I have a lot going for me and the right one will come but my brain doesn’t allow me yo relax I’m constantly questioning “where will it come from?”, “how will it come?”, “what do I need to do?”. This creates mounting pressure on me and changes my moods significantly.Even Christmas dinner, it was enjoyable but I felt myself pensive thinking about feeling alone.

To me, I can tell you have a great ability to work through a thought/feeling and rationalise it in a productive and hopeful way. I feel like I’m completely irrational when I think and I get annoyed at myself and lack hope/faith that I am good enough as a person to overcome my sporadic mind and enjoy my life more than I am currently. Why would anyone want someone as sporadic and up and down as myself.

Do you happen to have any advice on how I can step back and sort of enjoy moments and let go of the pressure I feel to find someone and let it happen naturally? I feel if I’m not actively seeking it then I can’t relax

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I understand how one can love being engaging. You can love making people laugh, love having them in a state of fascination, love bringing out the wonderer in them and more. When I'm loving bringing people to life, I love myself. I think we all love genuinely loving our self. It's not in an arrogant way but in a really genuine way.

You could even take it up a notch and have someone say 'I love the way you make me laugh' or 'I love the way you amaze me'. In the case, it's almost like you've created this 2 way channel with which to experience a genuine sense of love or joy, to be had by all.

Shifting focus away from thinking can be a tough challenge. Maybe what makes it tough is perhaps based on the question 'What are we meant to analyse and what are we not meant to analyse (not think so much about)? Kind of like 'Do I analyse this feeling or just feel it and let it go?' or 'Am I thinking too much about what I'm not meant to be putting too much thought into?'. One conclusion I did reach was if my thinking is distracting me from living, then I'm overthinking. With overthinking, it can lead me to miss significant moments in life. I suppose an example could involve us noticing we're surrounded by happy couples. For you, you may be thinking 'Why am I not a part of a couple? Why am I alone?'. I may be thinking 'I wonder what makes them all so happy? Are they really happy or are some going through challenges behind closed doors, like myself?'. Either way, throughout all this thinking or analysis someone could be talking about the most amazing bar (for example) they went to which is so incredible it can change your life. We don't hear about the bar, we just hear our thoughts. So, we miss hearing about that bar and therefor we don't go. We miss our chance to experience a potentially life changing adventure because we're distracted by our thoughts which have gotten in the way of living. 'Are my thoughts distracting me or stopping me from living?' can become a key question.

Btw, I've found up and down (sporadic thoughts) can be a natural part of the process of 'leveling out'. When one minute we can feel totally grounded and the next we can be off with the fairies/daydreaming/wondering/imagining/stressing, leveling out is somewhere in between. We can't live life while 100% in our imagination/our thoughts and we can't live it 100% grounded without risk taking or vision.