Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost

[Daniel12]

Hello there I don’t usually do anything like this but I wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. I am a 25 yr old who on the surface should have everything under control as I have a good job, good family yet I increasingly feel like I don’t know what makes me who I am and often feel down and flat when trying to find answers. I know people have much more reason to be depressed than someone like myself but I just constantly felt flat and lost searching for how I am supposed to be and what makes me who I am.
I have been trying to find a partner which has been the source of countless rejection which is all part of it I know but often I’m left feeling like I’m quite a boring person with nothing really that interesting to tell anyone and I am confused as to how to act

I’m usually a quiet natured person but I feel this incredible pressure that I can’t be like that and I am confused as to where I am at with my life

it is difficult for me to put into words I guess it’s just a lost type of feeling of what my place is and who I am and I thought at 25 I might have an idea of this

I know my post hasn’t given a great deal to go off but if anyone has experienced similar at my age I’d be glad to hear what approach you took

thanks

[Daniel12]

Hi Hanna

I would not say I am angry at women at all to help honest. More so angry at myself for not being able to find answers to why I feel uncomfortable in my own skin and can’t workout who I am and what makes me desirable to anyone.

You definitely make valid points, I think the example of this alpha male conundrum is that in my confusion and uncertainty in my own identity there are times where I think I need to be more like this even if it feels unnatural.

Deep down I am not envious of those people, the struggle is being uncertain of myself and my identity and why that would be appealing to anyone.

I guess I have grown up around this environment so in a way to be like them is to be “fun” - that is the thought that goes through my head. Do I necessarily want to be like them, no, but I don’t even know what makes me who I am.

It doesn’t even make sense what I am saying but there in lies a lot of the issue. But in no way do I hold ill feelings toward women, the ill feelings are toward myself.

Thanks

Daniel

[therising]

Hi Daniel

In a very different way, I can understand certain aspects of loneliness. This has helped me work out why I feel down at times even though I'm in a relationship. I think it's natural for some of us to deeply long for better knowing who we are. Sometimes we get to find, express and share who we are with a significant other. You can be in a relationship where your partner is so different from you to the point where they're not all that interested in a nature that's not similar to theirs (your own nature) or you may not be in a relationship at all and feel this longing to discover, express and share more of yourself. Either way you can't satisfy that longing. While we can develop our self and feel a connection to life and even love our self without a relationship, there are certain aspects of who we are that can only be brought out by a significant other (a certain knowledge, chemistry and energy). To feel the longing, this deep longing and not have anyone to ease this can be so challenging and even depressing at times.

Yesterday, what came to mind was 'Every single person Daniel has tried to date has something in common, every single one of them'. I thought about it further and realised that it's what they have in common which stops the meetings or potential relationships from progressing further. This is like a flip in perspective; as opposed to what's 'wrong' with me, you're asking 'What do they all have in common?'. I wish I'd actually realised this perspective when I was younger and on the dating scene. Throughout these years I felt completely worthless, like a piece of garbage. I spent so much time wondering about what was wrong with me, why I was so weak, so stupid, so worthless. Hindsight's a wonderful thing when it comes to revelation but, of course, it doesn't help at the time. I know now, I wasn't weak, stupid or worthless. What the guys I dated all had in common was they were all narcissistic self serving a-holes. It's true. I had a type and that, unfortunately, was the type I dated. Yes, that begs the question 'What is wrong with women; why are they attracted to this type of guy?' I won't go into the psychology of why this was my type but I did manage to work it out. I recall my brother once asking me, based on his experience, 'Do all females have 'daddy issues'?' Another way of phrasing this is 'Are all fathers a-holes who shape their daughter's mind in some way?' Of course, not all fathers are a-holes, some are truly beautiful men 🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising


I definitely feel you’re on the money about this longing for a deeper connection with someone and the lack of it causing me to feel depressed. I would say I used to be relatively content doing things on my own or with not as many friends. I have definitely felt this increased longing for a connection I have never really felt with anyone or had anyone reciprocate.


It is always at the forefront of my mind at the moment, part of my issue is whilst I want to let go and try let things come to me I actually struggle to see how this would happen “when I least expect it” as I feel pressured that I need to control it and “find” it. Don’t know if that makes sense.


You make a very interesting point about people I have dated all having something in common. Forgive me if I misunderstand but from what can gather the flip in perspective you are talking about is looking at why they weren’t exactly right for me rather than blaming myself ?


When I meditate on this further and think back to everyone I have dated recently, the types of people vary if I’m honest. I think lockdowns have caused this loneliness to worsen and coming out of lockdowns my mindset is I want to fine someone to share my life with but maybe I am coming across people whose desires are not aligned at this stage. I also would give anything to just be comfortable in my own skin as well.


I don’t know if this has any significance and sorry if this example/anecdote is a bit much but I found myself last night in a situation where the opportunity arose to meet someone for basically something casual. In my confusion and loneliness I left to meet this person but upon driving I sort of had a moment where I thought back to everything I’ve been going through and self questioning and times I think “I’m not enough of an alpha”, “I’m boring” etc etc and I thought to myself I actually feel more unnatural and uncomfortable and just thought this is not who I believe I am and I basically turned the car around and went home. This sounds like a stupid event/example with not much significance and I am unsure what it means and whether it is somewhat progress.


My father one day mentioned to me, this period is like I am driving through a fog, eventually the fog clears you just need to keep driving, maybe last night is a indicator it is starting to clear in my mind. Sorry for sharing a weird example/story but I just felt the need to get it off my chest.


Thanks


Daniel

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I think it's the nature of a longing for it to grow. A good example of this would be perhaps a guy going through a 'mid life crisis'. The longing might begin in very small ways, barely noticeable. He might look out of the office window on the odd occasion, day dreaming about some place he'd like to go, overseas. Then he might find himself wondering what it would be like not to be stuck driving the family car he's sick of, while passing by car dealerships on the way to and from work each day. He might see a lot of people laughing, having a great time as he goes to get his coffee every day. He begins to wish he was one of those people, who could laugh more. The longing for adventure, for excitement and for joy begins to grow and grow until everyday life becomes almost intolerable. In fact, he may not know he's natural adventurer who's not adventuring, leaving him to wonder why he feels so down. Could it be this longing that grows in you is based on you beginning to discover you are naturally a great lover (who loves to love) who's not involved in loving anyone right now. When that fog clears, which your dad mentioned, maybe there will be no stopping you in regard to just how much you can love. Perhaps you are on the verge, surveying the land, getting your bearings.

The event you mention is definitely not stupid at all. If anything, I think it's significant. You mention at one point you thought 'This is not who I believe I am'. On one hand you're right, from all that you've conveyed, you're not an alpha male. On the other hand, what kind of casual connections do you believe a sensitive male can make? There can be a lot of different types of intimate connections a sensitive guy can make that an alpha can't. While some alphas can be 'Wham bamm, thank you ma'am' types (self serving), a sensitive guy can be more sensational (able to sense better, where things are at and where they're going in a shared experience). He can have a real feel for the energy that's happening, what kind of energy it is, for example. So, while you may believe 'I'm not the sort of guy who can do this casual thing', you may just develop a different belief in the future that could dictate 'I'm a sensitive guy who loves to wonder about and share energetic sensations'. Not saying this is the way to go, just suggesting how beliefs/perspective can change. The facet of you which led you to consider meeting, to the point where you got in the car, is perhaps worth wondering about.

🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising


I think part of this feeling is definitely what you mentioned, I feel I am someone who is ready to connection with someone but I also have issues with regards to myself. Like I have this idea of who I am which I think is a more laidback, quieter individual at the start who grows more comfortable with each interaction or as the minutes pass. The struggle with what I would say is this identity crisis at the moment is because I continue to falter with regard to social events or dating I have led myself to think about it so much in a certain mindset that I thoroughly question myself to a point where I’ve become confused that I need to change this or I will not be accepted. Then my head becomes overrun with thought and it wears me down.


I certainly understand where you are coming from about different perspectives can change things. I think the other night the feelings of loneliness I experience is what put me into the car and I was probably searching for some form of connection I feel I am missing through that type of interaction. Whilst I think had I have gone through with it I wouldn’t of had a major problem but I think the resulting feeling from it wouldn’t help my current state if that makes sense. I think what happened which is different to how I have felt recently is I had the thought “I am uncomfortable this isn’t me” and I stopped it whereas in the past I have tried to act different to what I would say is myself and I’ve had the same thought but it is followed by “you have to do this otherwise you won’t be accepted”. Not sure if that makes sense at all.


Part of me wants to experience casual connections in some form like you mentioned it’s probably just finding out what type would suit me personally. I lack a large network of friends which gets me down as well. I looked at some mixed sport stuff recently and expressed interest to join but I am incredibly anxious about this and don’t believe I have it in me to not come across as weird.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I can relate to the thought 'I need to change this or I won't be accepted'. Eventually, it became 'Do I need to change this trait/behaviour or not, so as to accept myself?' Expanding upon that even further, 'Is there a new sense of self or an already existing sense of self I need to welcome or expand on in my life, while remaining true to myself?'

You could look at joining the mixed sport as an opportunity to expand on who you naturally are. For example, if you can say 'It's in my nature to be adaptable, as I have evidence of this based on how I interact with my family and close friends', you could then ask 'Does this nature dictate that I develop my adaptability even further through certain challenges?' When it comes to social challenges, maybe the idea of 'fitting in' just doesn't float your boat because that's simply not you, someone who acts in an artificial sense. Maybe you could adapt to become someone who develops skills in putting others at ease. So the question then becomes 'How do I learn to put others at ease, so they don't feel uncomfortable around me?'

I imagine there's a heck of a lot on the internet when it comes to developing skills in putting others at ease. You could wonder about how others manage to do this (what abilities they recommend working on), wonder about the psychology/thoughts and biology/chemistry behind social development, wonder about the natural aspects behind why it's so challenging and wonder about so much more and then research it all. May sound a bit weird to some but once I decide who I want to develop into or what aspect of myself I want to bring to life, I'll do my research. Nothing quite like research to open the mind. Throughout a research period a lot of stuff may naturally come into an open mind, from out of the blue.

You could even research 'How to have a more open mind', one that's not closed around crippling beliefs. A word of caution with developing an open mind - be careful what others put into it while it's open. Choose what you welcome in. I try to practice opening my mind as much as possible. The challenge is to stop thinking and see what naturally comes in. Can be tough at times. My son, who experiences some social challenges asked me not long ago 'How do I look people in the eye when they're speaking to me?' What suddenly popped in was the strangest thing, 'When people are speaking, listen to them while looking at the 2 vertical lines above the bridge of their nose'. It works for him 🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising


I think what you mention about stopping the thinking and see what naturally comes into my mind is probably one of the hardest challenges for me. I’m not really sure of how to combat it particularly when the thought pattern goes down a depressive route.


I actually feel cognisant of the fact that a certain thought pattern can be destructive but what I have been finding difficult and I think it started during lockdowns is that I feel powerless in stopping it. It happens when I am in social situations and I lose focus and don’t feel present. It’s thought as I’ve mentioned like “this person thinks I’m weird”, it sounds stupid but it starts like that and then I feel trapped inside myself.


Another thing that’s been really hard to manage and I’m not sure if you know any ways to combat it and forgive me if I’ve mentioned it but my thought pattern is like wildly sporadic. I feel all over the place and it’s exhausting me to the point where now I actually feel nothing throughout the day and am constantly fatigued.


Perfect example is this girl I mentioned I dated, one moment I think she’s just not right it wasn’t anything about you personally or anything you did and then the very next moment I think it was 100% me, I stuffed up an opportunity and this then spirals out of control and leaves me with absolutely no hope of meeting someone.


Im at a point now where I feel that devoid of feeling I actually genuinely believe that I have no redeeming features, like who would ever be interested in someone who has a mind like mine honestly, it’s just screwed I can’t even explain it

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I find letting things naturally come to mind to be incredibly challenging, for sure. It can feel impossible to do at times. It takes a heck of a lot of practice. I've been practicing this for some years, relaxing my mind enough to not think up/force a solution, and I still have a lot of trouble on occasion. Up until yesterday, I was trying to mentally process my way through to a solution regarding an issue with my dad in trying to manage the way forward for him, with him being 86 and developing dementia. Current circumstances were causing me incredible stress and I just couldn't find my way out of the stress. The solution that eventually naturally came to mind was not the solution I wanted but, still, it's a solution. It's a constructive way forward that requires me to let go of stuff. From my own experience, I've found that what naturally comes to mind will often involve me having to let go of something. As long as I'm holding on, I can't move forward. How I wish I was like the character Tarzan, grabbing onto the next vine, letting go of the last while moving forward effortlessly and instinctively with great precision. But no, there I am at times stuck in a psychological mid swing, unable to let go. It's inevitable, eventually I have to let go of being suspended in a state of going nowhere. I can't tolerate going nowhere. It feels depressing and hopeless and I hate those feelings. I just can't stay there in them without them evolving into something worse.

One of the toughest things about the lockdowns involved the amount of time we had to think and think and think. So much thinking to the point where it became mind altering. We had so much time to think about so much. We had so much time to think our way into certain belief patterns and so much time to think about 'What's wrong with me?'. Add to this the fact that social skills are practiced, we may have lost certain social skills while out of practice for so long, taking us back to square one. It's not our fault we're out of practice when we'd been prohibited from socialising, from practicing.

The impact of our thoughts can lead to such physical experiences, including exhaustion. We can physically feel our thoughts. Strange when you think about it - you can feel your thoughts. Then you start to mentally process what you're feeling (your feelings), which can lead to more feeling and more thinking. It's like being stuck in a loop you can't get out of. Can send me a little 'loopy' at times 🙂

[therising]

Hey there Daniel

Something just came to mind which I feel the need to ask. Do you find social situations rather boring at times? Could part of the issue you face involve how to manage developing or maintaining interest in boring/uninteresting conversations? Give you a few examples of where I'm coming from

• People who don't know each other that well may typically engage in politics based conversations. For me, a lot of the time, it's like a yawn fest. It's like here we go again, talking about people who are running the country being frustrating, out of touch, blah, blah, blah. I'll typically go into my own head, in favor of imagining something more interesting. I typically don't speak because I've got nothing to add to the same old boring frustrating topics. Others may see me as having a problem with being 'out of touch' with politics but I'm happy to be out of touch with most of it. It brings me joy, to be so out of touch 🙂
• 'So, what have you been up to?' typically triggers me to reflect on how uneventful my life can be at times. Nothing quite like the response 'Not much' to leave you feeling like you've just shut the conversation down and you're being judged for your uneventful life. Give me an opening conversation that goes a little like 'If you could wish for any super power, what would it be?' and bamm, I'm off an running with a selection, while being fascinated by other people's choices, within that conversation
• People discussing what they have in common is another one which is hard to engage in. 'So, what did you think of Paris and Spain? Aren't they amazing places'. Then everyone around you begins to discuss their take on Paris and Spain. Before I went to Paris some years ago, there was no reference to what Paris meant to me. Just couldn't relate. It was like being left on the sidelines while others discussed their adventures. They were unintentionally side lining me. This one's a major challenge

Wondering how you'd go with non typical social conversations such as 'What would be you're plan of action in the case of a zombie apocalypse?' or 'What do you think would happen if everyone lost their ability to speak for a day? How do imagine they'd communicate?'. Just a couple of outside the square topics of conversation. It's amazing how easily you can find those with a brilliant imagination when topics are far from boring or typical.

Do you find yourself surrounded by uninteresting conversations which don't trigger you to come to life?

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I can relate to those type of scenarios and probably found myself in those exact situations before.

I wouldn’t say I get bored, I’m not sure if what I’m about to say makes sense but I feel or sense people “switch off” when I’m talking and I get discouraged.


If I respond to each example you have raised it would be like this


- I would agree with you that I also sort of tune out of these conversations like politics. I have opinions which but it’s probably not a topic of conversation I enjoy and I’d rather take a backseat

- The feelings you described about the “what have you been up to” I can relate to but this feeds into what I said above about feeling people tune out while I talk. For example, when I was at that birthday a couple weeks ago I was speaking to one of my friends sisters friends and had asked the usual “what do you do” and I followed up with things like “how long have you been doing this” and “what made you choose that”, then I was asked the same question and probably after 5 seconds of me answering I could see her just completely tune out and start focusing elsewhere, I wasn’t sure whether to keep speaking or not and I felt extremely anxious. This has happened an extraordinary amount of times and therefore I conclude I am not engaging as a person, I’m boring and not an attractive person to talk to and why would anyone want to

-The last example I experience as well and I usually sit back and listen and if I can interject I will try. I do feel uncomfortable just listening as I think people are judging me as “quiet” and it just makes me anxious. Then if I have a genuine question to ask about the certain topic the same thing as above happens, it’s either ignored or the other person seems like they are thinking “why are you talking”


In addition to this, I’ve been called “quiet” by my friends cousins but it’s almost said as an insult. To give some context, I only partially know these people so when I have been out with them naturally I am more in the mindset of listen first and where I can speak I will. Not sure what your take is on something like that I know it is stupid.


I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with being more laidback and not as extroverted and that it is fundamentally an unattractive quality. I have a birthday this Saturday again where I will be around people I don’t know and I just feel I really have nothing to offer as a person Because to be like my natural self is obviously a turn off.