Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost

[Daniel12]

Hello there I don’t usually do anything like this but I wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. I am a 25 yr old who on the surface should have everything under control as I have a good job, good family yet I increasingly feel like I don’t know what makes me who I am and often feel down and flat when trying to find answers. I know people have much more reason to be depressed than someone like myself but I just constantly felt flat and lost searching for how I am supposed to be and what makes me who I am.
I have been trying to find a partner which has been the source of countless rejection which is all part of it I know but often I’m left feeling like I’m quite a boring person with nothing really that interesting to tell anyone and I am confused as to how to act

I’m usually a quiet natured person but I feel this incredible pressure that I can’t be like that and I am confused as to where I am at with my life

it is difficult for me to put into words I guess it’s just a lost type of feeling of what my place is and who I am and I thought at 25 I might have an idea of this

I know my post hasn’t given a great deal to go off but if anyone has experienced similar at my age I’d be glad to hear what approach you took

thanks

[therising]

Hi Daniel

One of the things I've found handy about looking at life from a mind/body/soul perspective is it allows you to become 'the observer'. When I speak of a soulful sense of self, it's not intended to sound all that woo woo. It's more so about offering a unique perspective that can be helpful with both mental health challenges and everyday ones.

I've found to have a 3rd aspect of self is to have not just an observer but also a constructive dictator and your own personal guide and mentor you take with you wherever you go. For example, someone could trigger a thought in you which leads you to a degree of anxiety. With a snowball effect in the making, you can observe your mind and body getting each other worked up as they play off each other. Things can be getting completely out of control as you mentally start to calculate how intensely you're feeling your own nervous system. Suddenly you might hear within yourself 'Calm down, BREATHE! Everything will be okay. Just stop thinking and focus on your breathing'.

Whether you choose to see this sense of self as 'soulful' or you choose to see it as 'the higher consciousness aspect of the human brain', the choice is yours. It doesn't matter what you choose, as long as you practice listening to it. The reason I like the romantic version of 'soulful' is because while the other 2 aspects are truly amazing, they aren't all that romantic in my opinion. Our body is muscle, fat, organs etc, contained within a big bag of chemical reactions, with all things working together energetically. Our mind is an energetic processor/calculator, referencing existing programs and assessing fight and flight situations, amongst other things. Whether all that energy or activity is not active enough, basically active or even hyperactive, you could say this 3rd aspect of self helps manage the activity. It may dictate/manage with 'Stop thinking so much and focus more on what you're doing', 'Get off the couch. You need to be more active than this' or 'You need to really push yourself to develop, through experience', it's definitely a challenging aspect of self at times.

There are times where I think 'Gee, I'm boring to a degree, in my opinion'. Actually, what suddenly comes to mind right now is 'Become more interesting, to yourself'. The amount of times I say 'Not much' to people who ask 'So, what have you been up to?' I've lost count of. Can we be bored with our self and not recognise it? Apparently 🙂

It's time to get up to stuff!

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Thanks again for your advice, it doesn’t sound woo woo to me at all. I think I get into the problem where I start feeling certain things and I focus too much on it and it exacerbates the actual feeling to over blow it out of proportion then I struggle to manage it so what you say I think I need to practice.

I found myself really focusing on these loneliness feeling a lot. It started halfway through last year and over time it’s just gotten worse and worse, I sort of struggle to manage it. Each day for example, I will work but in the back of my head I’m questioning why I feel this way and how I can’t find a way out.

It goes through stages where it’s frustration and anxiety followed by feelings of depression and then just nothingness and lack of hope for myself.

On the outside looking in it looks like I have it all worked out with my career and stuff like this but this one area of my life I feel completely lacking in, the search for a proper connection.

I don’t want to focus so intensely on it like has been mentioned to me on here but I’m struggling how like let it go to an extent as I feel uncomfortable when I try to “let it come to me”. I’ve been conditioned to think I have to go out and get it.

I try to pick up my guitar for example and play to focus energy elsewhere but it pops back into my head. Now it just feels like a permanent fixture in my mind I can’t escape from.

I will definitely work hard on what you said in terms of trying to manage this stuff, I hope there is a way out of this

Thanks again I appreciate it all

Daniel

[therising]

Hi Daniel

Would you say you have multiple challenges that feel like they're all rolled into one? Maybe it all comes back to 'Who am I?'. What do you think?

I can relate to times where everything feels like it's rolled into one. I can have dozens of thoughts and opinions about what's 'wrong' with me, while trying to work out what's not right or clicking into place. The problem with that question 'What's wrong with me?' is it can trigger me to compile a list. It can become a depressing list, swinging me into a terrible mindset at times. Being sensitive to what's depressing, I have to manage working on coming out of such a state, otherwise I could easily stay in it long term. I've vowed never to return to long term depression if I can help it. Serious hard work at times, managing to not go back there. When you're sensitive to what's depressing, while this degree of sensitivity can help reveal a lot, it can also be deeply deeply challenging.

The thing about a depressing list is while each challenge may actually be an individual or separate one, looking at how they all interact with each other or play off each other is also significant. For example, I could say 'I'm boring at times, I lack a healthy level of self-esteem under certain circumstances and I'm lonely and sometimes depressed'. With this list, I could instantly sum myself up, reaching the wrong conclusion. 1+1 has to=4, right? Gradually working myself out...

• Am I bored with myself at times? Where is my interesting sense of self? Why does she feel non existent or virtually deceased at times? How can I resurrect her? What do I need to do? Do I need to become more fascinated with myself, becoming more invested in finding fascinating stuff? Will this lead me to have more fascinating conversations with others? Is this an opportunity for self development?
• Why do I have low self-esteem under certain circumstances? What is 'self-esteem' anyway? What does it mean? Where do I get it from? Was I never actually given skills in developing greater self-esteem? 'The Six Pillars of Self-esteem', by Nathaniel Branden is real eye opener, a brilliant book
• What is loneliness? How is being alone constructive? What am I meant to be doing while I'm in my own time? Am I meant to be developing on my own before sharing myself with another?
• Am I naturally depressed because I have the ability to feel the depressing nature of my challenges or am I clinically/chemically depressed?

Each is a puzzle piece of an overall picture.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising


I think you have probably hit the nail on the head that it feels like there all rolled into one and comes back to being unsure of myself and who I am and how to act.


I think I’m not great at articulating it properly so forgive the confusion but I think if I had to try break it down it would be like this


-Feeling an intense loneliness and lack of hope in regards to finding a partner as I seem to be faltering continuously

-As a result of the above I feel worthless and pathetic in who I am

-Confused as to why I can’t seem to relax socially and be comfortable with not be an out and out extrovert to the point where I feel incredible pressure from things around me to try and force it

-An intense sense of self consciousness socially and fear of judgement from which I believe to be more quiet, unassuming and more of a slow burn is fundamentally unattractive

-Frustration and anger at myself for continuos self questioning because of things like social media, amount of friends I have or not have, relationship status etc


All of the above leads me to feel deeply depressed and I have moved into a stage of feeling complete hopelessness and nothingness almost to a point where I can’t even figure it out and it just suffocated me.


Overall I feel like I am a weak person because I can’t seem to get a grip of this and I don’t even know where to start because every move I make I question myself so practically I’m struggling.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

Do you feel a need to look for guidance, from someone who you can see face to face who has the ability to support you and guide you through how you're feeling and thinking? Do you think that might make some difference in the way of making significant progress?

It took me a good few decades or so to realise unless you're on the right path throughout the whole of life, through either sheer fluke/good fortune or a solid sense of direction, not a lot of people really show you how to navigate your way through the detours, the rough terrain and all that stuff. A lot of the time you have to look for these type of people, guides. They're people who can often relate through experience or people who are educated in understanding how we tick on a number of levels.

If I was to show you my home library and ask you which shelf (or should that be shelves) you think reflects my years in depression, it wouldn't be hard to pick. The second you spot all the 'self help' books, you'd know 🙂 I was always looking for some form of guidance. I was so lost. If I could rephrase 'self help' books to 'Can you relate to what I'm saying' books, from the author's perspective, there weren't a lot of books I could relate to on a seriously mind altering level. They may have altered my mind/perception a little but not enough to make a real difference. It was after having come out of depression that I discovered really mind altering stuff, offering an outside the square perspective. One of my all time favourites is 'Becoming Supernatural' by Joe Dispenza. He takes mind/body/spirit and approaches it from the angle of neuroplasticity/epigenetics/quantum physics. Sounds like a mouthful but it's a fairly easy read, written by a brilliant man. I have all his books. He's an incredibly insightful author.

Every significant form of guidance becomes a stepping stone. When the question in life is 'What is my next step and how do I take it?', unless we suddenly come to know, guidance outside of our self becomes key. Guidance within our self, based on a lot of destructive or negative mental programs (belief systems) can simply get in the way of taking the next best step. Deleting such programs is also key. I believe we carry a set of keys/tools through life.

One mental program I managed to delete, 'I am weak'. Installed in its place, 'I am lost'. The truth is we can be strong people with perceived weaknesses while we are lost. In finding direction, we can be reminded of our strengths 🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I think you bring up a another good point and I have got a psychologist I see but it is quite space out because of booking availability which helps clear the fog in my mind a bit but maybe not guide me.

I was extremely anxious posting on this forum for example but I don’t regret it at all because it’s definitely had a positive impact and it’s comforting to talk to others who have their own experiences that I can gain advice from.

I am lucky to have had parents who have guided me on a good path in terms of career, morals and how I should conduct myself and basically having the basics in order.

Where I find I’m struggling is with the areas I’m having a battle with (social acceptance, finding a partner, finding who I am and being comfortable) I try to reach out to friends or something and it’s almost I’m a victim of looking like I have my stuff together and I’m sort of met with advice like “you’ve got everything you need, just be yourself”.

I know I most things in order and I’m grateful for all that, but it’s a deep sense of self as you’ve described that I’ve always struggled with.

I even feel bad or ashamed talking about it with people or on a forum like this where there are people who have endured far worse than myself in life and I have a big guilt for the way I feel. If you could peak inside my head and thoughts the common feeling is “what’s wrong with you, you have xyz but you feel like this and its pathetic”.

I have often re-read your posts and am trying hard to take a lot of the advice you’ve provided in particular and I apologise if I have been an annoyance over the period we have chatted on here, I do greatly appreciate your patience and time.

It’s really not understanding why I am like this that is one of the big struggles and I know deep down there’s something there in me that I can unlock but I feel like I lack courage and strength to bring it out, particularly socially.

Was wondering also, you have mentioned you are more a shy type, in situations where you might have been social anxious in the past or afraid to bring yourself out how did you start to action this better?

I almost do it in a way where I go to these birthdays or something to throw myself out there but I end up feeling depressed after because I feel like a failure for not engaging people or if I’m more quiet at these things, just feels like I’m failing at it.

sorry again for the all over the place post

Daniel

[therising]

Hi Daniel

I believe we should never have to apologise for a significant challenge we struggle with just because it appears to be less important than someone else's challenge. To grade the pain or struggle of another as being 'less than', in our opinion, is technically degrading. Sufferance is sufferance no matter how you look at it. Sufferance is felt under a variety of circumstances.

Daniel, in no way do I find your posts annoying, if anything I feel so frustrated for you that you can't quite put your finger on what that key is that will make the difference to you. I wish I could offer you that moment where you can say with absolute astonishment 'Oh my god, that's it! That's the reason for exactly why I think and feel the way I do'. Often, they're my favourite moments in life, where I'm left shocked by some sudden revelation which explains a certain mindset I've carried for years. I like to see my age as my stage in a way. It's like with yourself, you'd be at stage 25 to 26. 'What lessons are to be learned at this stage?' becomes the question. There's always something to be learned in life, at every stage. While life would be easier without challenges and lessons, it would soon become boring if there was nothing left to learn, no growth to feel.

'You've got everything you need, just be yourself' may appear as common sense. I like to look at common sense from a different perspective. In my opinion, common sense is not so much about what seems logical, it's more about our common senses. The question could be 'How do I trigger a common natural sense, that others have switched on in themselves? It's there in me but it's not currently active'. Hope that makes sense. Most of us had a social common sense naturally switched on when we were little. We were naturally social little creatures who didn't put much thought into caring about how we looked, spoke or behaved. So, you know you have this in you. could be a matter of 'What switched it off?' There can be thousands of 'switch off' moments in life without us realising. Some can be subtle. You can mention something that naturally means the world to you and be met with an eye roll of judgement. When you feel the impact of that eye roll, it can switch you off. Over time, you can be conditioned out of being yourself, in favour of becoming careful. 'Be careful' becomes the internal dialogue. 'Don't say too much. Don't put yourself out there. Be careful'. Eventually, you become expert at being careful, guarded.

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

If I really think about it what causes my moments of deep depression and the loss of enjoyment of life I am experiencing and this feeling of being lost in myself I think it all ends up coming back to this loneliness I feel, then I feel like all this work I'm trying to put in doesn't matter because I fundamentally feel alone.

For example, I like going for walks but this feels like it has become a chore because I spend the whole time thinking things like "I'm a loner because I do everything on my own, no one wants to see me". I will see couples walking together or even just friends and it makes it worse. I lack the motivation to do these things now because I feel ashamed being seen on my own, it reinforces that I am a loner.

I believe I have had this since I was a kid/teenager as I never felt I fit in whilst from the outside it looks like I have a lot of friends, it's an internal feeling that I am not actually valued in friends circles. I have been trying to go out and expose myself to these situations as much as I can but I do not really get invited anywhere organise and I am not strong enough to go places on my own.

I know it's a silly thing to be depressed about, the lack of finding a partner, but there's a huge pressure I feel to find someone because of family events (sisters wedding) coming up and having to field questions and because all my closest friends have partners and I have just been left in the lurch a bit.

Another factor to it is that I have never in my life had any female express that they like me or are interested beyond a friend or have reciprocated when I have shown an interest. it is a demoralising feeling particularly when you see everyone around finding people, I'm left thinking gee I must be bad. I find myself now actually failing to connect with people in general because I get stuck in my head.

I struggle to block the loneliness out of my mind and try re-phrase it or even just relax and let things run their course. Practically I am unsure how to navigate new environments or release myself from holding myself back and let who I think I know I am come out and just be comfortable for once in my own skin. With he dating thing I have exhausted so many options I am just beaten down.

Everyday is like a tennis match in my head, one side saying just let things come to you and the other constantly reminding me of how lonely I feel and often by the end of the day the lonely side wins out I am devoid of any peace of mind.

[Hanna3]

Hi Daniel

I'm wondering do you feel angry at the women who aren't attracted to you and pay attention to you? Deep down are you annoyed that they pay attention to these other men?

I think you are envious of the alpha men who attract women more easily? You want to be more like them?

If you have these feelings I think you would be very wise to see a counsellor/psychologist and talk through these feelings.

My worry is that if these feelings aren't attended to, they may worsen. Feelings of rejection can morph into anger. This is worrying.

Please do get some support from a qualified person. OK?

[Hanna3]

Sorry, I meant who DON'T pay attention to you.