Help. I don’t know who I am supposed to be and feel lost

[Daniel12]

Hello there I don’t usually do anything like this but I wanted to see if anyone has any advice for me. I am a 25 yr old who on the surface should have everything under control as I have a good job, good family yet I increasingly feel like I don’t know what makes me who I am and often feel down and flat when trying to find answers. I know people have much more reason to be depressed than someone like myself but I just constantly felt flat and lost searching for how I am supposed to be and what makes me who I am.
I have been trying to find a partner which has been the source of countless rejection which is all part of it I know but often I’m left feeling like I’m quite a boring person with nothing really that interesting to tell anyone and I am confused as to how to act

I’m usually a quiet natured person but I feel this incredible pressure that I can’t be like that and I am confused as to where I am at with my life

it is difficult for me to put into words I guess it’s just a lost type of feeling of what my place is and who I am and I thought at 25 I might have an idea of this

I know my post hasn’t given a great deal to go off but if anyone has experienced similar at my age I’d be glad to hear what approach you took

thanks

[therising]

Hi Daniel

It's amazing how many people I've met in recent years who all tend to express similar things -

• I've always been the black sheep of my family
• I've always felt like the odd one out
• I never felt like I really fitted in anywhere

and the list goes on.

I imagine, if all these hundreds or thousands or more like natured or like minded people were put into one place it would be absolutely amazing, like one huge get together of people who really got each other on a deeper level. I imagine some of the conversations

• Do you ever feel this way?/Oh, my gosh, YES! I thought it was just me
• Do you ever find you can imagine so easily to the point where you can see what you imagine so clearly, so vividly and a lot of other people just can't see as clearly?/YES! My imagination really triggers me at times
• Do you ever wonder so much, to the point where you just feel like you're stuck in wonder or a state of questioning?/Absolutely, it does my head in sometimes!
• Can you feel when people are really bringing you down?/Absolutely! It can be so depressing

etc.

It's interesting how you could place all the 'black sheep', all 'the odd ones out' and so on in one place and suddenly they could all relate to each other as being perfectly 'normal'. it leads one to wonder what the deal is with everyone else, the odd ones out who don't fit into such an amazing group of people.

Perspective is a quirky thing. It's a reality changer 🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

I fully agree with you on this! I think that is part of my journey as well as a lot of others with similar feelings to me that we need to try and find like minded people who understand what the other is going through.

I genuinely would love to speak with such people as think their could be a great deal to learn from them and for me to take on board from how different people handle the same sets of feelings as to what you have described.

[Daniel12]

Hi all

I am sorry to post back in here again but I am struggling to find where to turn

My feelings and mental state has plummeted the last few weeks and I lack any sort of energy to even get out of bed or carry on with the day as I know it will be a repeated cycle of questioning who I am and what is the point of all this

i feel like I have no one in a social sense to really just spend some time with to take my mind away from things and I have lost all hope in the dating realm

i am constantly agitated at myself for thinking the things I do as I know they are trivial and I should not worry but I don’t know why I can’t relax and even just had one day where my mind isn’t plagued by questions like “how am I perceived”, “what do people think of me in a social media sense”, “what is the point of trying to meet new people”, “why am I like this”

I hate myself because I can’t find peace of mind

[Sophie_M]

Hi Daniel12,

We are so sorry to hear you are feeling this way.Thank you for being part of our forums, it takes a lot of courage and strength to reach out for support and we are so glad that you have done so. We hope that you can get some support here, the community will be here to listen and chat with you. You can also reach out to Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636 or Lifeline 13 11 14. 

[therising]

Hi Daniel

My heart goes out to you as you face the mind altering and exhausting nature of self questioning and that sense of feeling lost which can be such a torturous experience at times. On mental, physical and soulful levels, it can really put you through the wringer and can become so depressing. I've come to find there's no point in comparing my problems to another person's, as sufferance is sufferance no matter how it comes about. It's the level of sufferance we experience which is the greatest issue. It points to how deeply we're feeling our challenges.

I may sound like a crazy woman when I say I have many personas. The reason I mention this is based on you saying 'I hate myself because I can't find peace of mind'. I agree, at times I hate my sense of self known as 'The Analyst'. It's kinda like you just want to scream at that sense of self 'Shut the hell up, you're doing my head in!!!' 'Shut the hell up' is significant, as it does feel like hell at times. I've found lockdowns in Melbourne have brought to life or amplified many aspects of myself. Now in our 6th lockdown, 'The Bi*ch' in me has really come to life 🙂 With my husband taking pleasure in announcing how the lockdowns aren't really all that bad (he likes to drink and watch tv), bamm, out she comes 'Well, that's just great, good for you. Glad you're having such a great time!'. 'The Analyst' and 'The Philosopher' in me share centre stage at times while at other times 'The Critic' in me has what feels like a loud speaker/megaphone, 'YOU'RE BLOODY HOPELESS, GET OFF THE COUCH YOU LAZY COW!' Then there's 'The Sage', 'Stop being so hard on yourself, this is an overwhelming mind altering challenge, this lockdown business'. While we all possess many aspects of self, it's the core sense of self who has to remain in charge. The core sense of self is that which employs the various aspects at different times when need be. It's the sense of self that reigns in the analyst or the critic when they're getting out of control.

A serious lack of energy can be seriously depressing. We're designed to be energetic beings, so it can get depressing when we're not connected to life through our energy. Whether it's mental exhaustion, an imbalance in our chemistry or the fact that our energy input is so low we're feeling like a flat battery never put on recharge, it becomes a question of why our energy feels virtually non existent.

Btw, I find it's more so the sage who holds the answers, not the analyst 🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Thanks again for getting in touch.

I think the lockdowns here in Melbourne have just amplified feelings which I already had to an degree but chose to ignore and the last month it has taken a particular turn for the worst.

I find myself looking through things like social media and comparing myself to others and thinking things like because I don't have a big presence on their I am seen as inferior to others. I am not sure if this makes sense what I am about to describe but part of my make up due to the work I do is to critically think so I am aware that these thoughts are irrational but this almost exacerbates the problems because I can't understand why I continue to have these thoughts and so ensues the head tennis I am going through.

The lockdowns have also seemed to amplify my feeling of loneliness as I look at my life in a social sense and I do not have a large group of friends and again given the age of social media it feels as though this is not normal for someone my age and makes me feel uninteresting and undesirable. This contributes to the issue of dating as this is another area where I feel alone, I seem to go out with someone and it just evaporates into thin air after a second date maximum with no real word of warning or why and I am often left pondering what I did or what I am doing to cause this.

I hate that I can't just relax and let things go like people around me and feels like there is no escape from this feeling

[therising]

Hi Daniel

My daughter mentioned just yesterday how if we counted this as still being in our 5th lockdown, with a week of freedom thrown in, we've been doing this one since around mid July. I think coming out of this is going to present some serious challenges for some. While they say it takes around 60-70 days to form a new habit, we will have formed some new habits which we may not be entirely aware of. While forming the habit of being on our own to some degree, social anxiety may be an issue for some. While a greater social media presence becomes the new norm, an intensified social habit, it makes sense that we might come to judge our self for not becoming more of a part of it. Personally, I believe social media comes with some sort of pay off. If you want to stay connected with certain people or expand a network (business included), it pays off. If you want to make people more aware of some injustice or make a positive social difference, it pays off. If there's no payoff, there's no need. I imagine you don't feel much of a need for it. Perhaps in the future you might use it as a type of resource or maybe not. My 16yo son has no need for it. He sees it as an unnecessary distraction. It's in his nature to happily live without it at this point.

I've found, while questioning and wondering can fast track our evolution in different ways, questioning and wondering without answers can feel like torture. I know people who don't question and wonder as much as they should. Lockdown has definitely amplified that sense of questioning and wondering. It feels like we're being forced to evolve faster, to understand our self better. With lockdowns feeling like time wasters in life in a way, I can feel the challenge of 'How am I no longer going to waste my time or my life when I come out of this one?'. Of course, what comes with this is stuff like 'Who am I, really, and what do I really want to achieve? What direction do I want to head in? Who do I want to connect with?'etc.

Wondering if you've given any thought to what kind of group/club you might like to join. Btw, I can recall when last meeting with a new group (in a weekend workshop) how high my levels of anxiety were. I'm a bit of a shy gal. While stressful, I meditated on sage-like advice. What came to mind was 'You are simply not used to the feeling of a rise to courage. You're being courageous'. Doing what's new can take a lot of courage. Often it's our rise to courage which leads us to meet new people.

🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

i feel like I should be happy we are coming out of lockdown but I feel terrified and I feel like I don’t know what to do. My friends all sort of have partners and things like that and it leaves me thinking well what is going to change I will barely see people anyway and when I do anxiety takes over and I get lost in my head thinking of whether I am being judged. This is the same case with social media, I know deep down I have no real need for it other than to stay in touch with friends but I have this problem of thinking I am being judged on all facets of myself.

In terms of groups, I do play soccer but unfortunately due to a head injury sustained during a game last season I have been told to stop playing and I think this has caused a lot of distress because it was my release from all these feelings and a place I felt I belong but now has been taken away. I am not sure what type of new group to join as I feel embarrassed in myself and would be heightened when meeting new people.

[therising]

Hi Daniel

The head injury from soccer must have been stressful, not just for yourself but also the people who care about you. Hope you've managed to fully recover. It must be tough to no longer be playing, especially given that it was such an outlet and a resource. I think a lot of people can underestimate the impact of us losing a resource that serves us mentally, physically and even on a some soulful level. Such a resource can definitely have a chemical impact. While I'm a soulful gal, a far less romantic version of who we are is - a big bag of complex chemistry. A lack of the chemistry we experience from no longer having one of our 'go to' resources can be impacting. Figuring out where to get natural highs from next becomes a challenge. As I say to my 19yo daughter and 16yo son 'If you can generate natural highs in life, without looking to drugs or alcohol, you're doing something right'. Myself, I was more of a drinker when I was younger, gaining a false sense of confidence and happiness through alcohol. It takes skill, to do life naturally.

Changing how we're experiencing judgement can be so incredibly hard. I'm still trying to master this myself. I've found a lot of it comes down to measurement, comparison and feeling. Whether we're measuring and comparing our self to who we want to be or other people are doing the measuring and comparing for us, I think it becomes a matter of 'How does such measurement and comparison feel and serve me?' While it serves me to compare my current self to my slimmer healthier self from some years ago (as this positively motivates me to lose weight in order to be a healthiest version of myself), it doesn't serve me to compare the amount of lines on my face now to how I appeared years ago. You can feel a destructive sense of judgement just as you can feel a constructive sense of judgement. So, you could say while you may judge yourself on not yet managing to find the woman of your dreams, it would be more constructive to judge, measure and feel the progress you've made in eliminating the women of your nightmares or at least the ones you don't vibe with. While we may judge our self for being shy, it's more constructive to measure the lack of egotistical or narcissistic traits we possess.

While you might be tempted to judge your progress in coming out of lockdown as being 'slow', it's more constructive to judge it as being 'careful' or full of care. Constructive judgement should hold no degradation of any kind 🙂

[Daniel12]

Hi therising

Hopefully you have been enjoying some easing of restrictions in Melbourne over the weekend with your family and friends!

I think whilst it is not the worst thing to happen to someone being told I can no longer play soccer because of the head injury it has definitely been a struggle to come to terms with and has contributed to this sort of identity crisis I am having because as I mentioned it was one area I really thrived and was quite successful thanks to a lot of training and hard work and it just brought a sense of fulfilment and belong, it almost feels like now what do I actually have going for me without this now.

Thank you for your advice about constructive judgement as you put it as the way you explain it makes it very easy for me to understand although I feel quite irrational in my thinking at the moment.

I find myself not being able to accept that I am a quieter, laidback individual that probably feels a sense of anxiousness upon first meeting people and takes a bit to "warm up" before I can really show who I am. I think overtime and probably throughout my young life I have struggled to accept that this is OK as it feels that there is pressure on me to be out there and in your face and loud and charismatic from the first moment because of people I see around me and I get into thought loops of "what is wrong with me, I have a lot going for me so why am I not more like xyz".

I carry this burden around that is it not ok or not normal to be quieter than those that are more extroverted around me and that I don't get the same respect because of this and I think I have tried to force it out of myself and it does not feel right and then I just fall into a rut where I feel very confused on what I am actually doing and how I am acting

Thank you again for all your responses it is very much appreciated, you are very sound of mind and your words of advice have been helpful

Daniel