Help – depression, anxiety, ahnedonia and about to break up

[NeedHopeNeedLove]

Im 35, F.
3 months ago I had an argument with my partner(of over 2 years) something inside me changed. After the argument something shifted inside& I started to get very bad anxiety telling me that I no longer love him &need to break up. The thoughts wont stop & I cant shake it off. Everything around me has sunk. I have no interest in my hobbies,business or any interests in friends or family. Prior to this event I was a very strong, happy, resilient person & I felt I could take the whole world on. I was fit doing exercise& healthy. Now im a wreck & cant stop smoking. I feel like something horrible has got me
This has been my life pattern. I have had 4-5 very good relationships & 1day something happens inside me & I no longer feel anything for these people & I spiral into a very bad depressive emotionless place. One in particular when I was 20, like a switch went off & all feelings gone & I cant be with this person. what followed was even worse, years of grief for this person, drugs & alcohol & 15 years later I still think about him. At 25 & a drug OD drug overdose I decided I couldn’t live like this any longer & got help. I started to see a naturopath & within months I was like a new person, the best version of myself I ever knew. I had 10 years of feeling fantastic like I could do anyting,i had the sharpest clarity of mind. I have always told myself that if I was in the good space I could’ve made these relationships work. Yet here I am again faced with this demon about to ruin my life because these crazy thoughts wont stop.. All I ever wanted was to be loved & have my own family.I have the best partner in the world right now & I cant even give myself that because im about to destroy it & I don’t know why?! I get down when I see people around me that are pregnant & happy in their relationships, or when I look at FB & I see my friends getting married, engaged or having babies. When things were great with my current partner I could not be without him. I looked in his eyes and I saw the rest of our lives together,I saw our own family. Now I cant see anything & im sinking deeply in my life & everything is falling apart. i am praying that this is just depression & I will get out of it soon& life will go back to perfect, but this is taking its toll on both my partner & I & we’re both in no man’s land with my condition. Am I out of love because I’m depressed, or depressed because fallen out of love?Yes I’m seeing a psychologist but its every 3 weeks

[NeedHopeNeedLove]

Thanks for writing QW

i don’t take well to medication as I’ve never taken meds before in my life -apart from migraine meds and a head ache tablet.

im having a hard time dealing with the condition and ever since I told work about what I’m going through they too have made life difficult for me with wanting regular meetings and discussions with HR and threatened me with performance management and getting me out. To me all I can think about is escaping all this pressure. If I sell my place I can quit my job and get something smaller, cover the small debt on my house and have all the alone me time I need until I get out of this mud that I’m sinking in. I feel like I’m eyeballs deep. I want to escape everything around me.

[nickypee]

I know how you feel. I was drowning under stress and a job I hated at the end of last year. I thought the time off would help my depression. It did for about 2 weeks but then I fell into a bigger hole not having that routine in my life and a reason to get out of bed in the morning. Maybe look for another job and be willing to take a pay cut for less stress. That sounds like a really good idea selling your place to get something smaller. Definitely reducing the stress in your life will help and regular exercise also really helps me.

Good luck

[NeedHopeNeedLove]

ThAnks for writing nicky

tricky thing here is making these big decisions while not in the best mind space. I’m afraid if I do something big like this that I will regret it on the other side. Sometimes I wonder if this is some sort of a universal energy making me uncomfortably to push me into my next chapter in life for bigger and better things which is great but then on the other hand I have this crazy pattern that follows me and makes me destroy relationships. What happens then I ask myself? Do I move into another place? Am I running away from something? Am I not supposed to have my own family and husband? I’m so petrified of this happening to me again. In all honesty I havnt found the psychiatrist or psychologist that helpful. My psych is telling me to stay in the relationship yet it’s making me so sick that I need to take meds. My body and mind is rejecting this person. I’m taking meds to make something very broken work and it’s not working and I’m getting worse.