When I was younger, i was happy. I know being nostalgic always makes people imagine they were happier than they were, but i remember how the voice inside my head used to be. She was optimistic, supportive, forgiving, and had this underlying sparkle of hope. My inner voice now is always berating me, telling me to give up, telling me to eat more to feel a momentary bit of happiness, telling me I am a failure. I have been through a lot in the interim - worked a job for 4 years i used to love, then grew to hate, met my partner (a supportive yet anxious introvert), adopted my dream dog, started my own business, and had a back injury 6 months ago which stopped my part time job as a yoga teacher (I spent thousands of dollars to become certified as a yoga teacher, and 6 months after starting i had a disc prolapse which rendered me unable to walk for a while. Being on painkillers was great, but coming off them, i think they made my antidepressants stop working.
I feel tremendously weaker, older, sadder, fatter and uglier than i did. I just feel like i don't fit into this space i carved out for myself anymore. I don't feel smart. I don't feel inspired. I feel isolated, lonely and sad all the time.
Every day is a struggle to get out of bed, i feel redundant in this world, I feel like i have to work extra hard as an expat. I have medicare, but i am finding it really hard to get the help i know i need. I don't have a lot of money, as my business is only a year old - but when i asked my GP to recommend a psychologist, he gave me a referral to see one that costed $200 a session. He knows I don't have a lot of money, he knows i am on medicare, idk if he was testing me? So now I have to ask again - arent you supposed to get 10 sessions free with a psych? I desperately need to talk to someone to make sense of all this. I feel lost, hopeless and like nothing will ever help me to be happy again. I know i am reinforcing these negative thoughts by writing them down, but expressing how i feel (though its making me cry more) feels cathartic.
