Lost

[hey001]

Hi,

So this is my first post, im 23 and lost in life. I feel like i'm caught in a whirlpool of my own thoughts, sometimes i think bad stuff, but most of the time its me trying to think of what i need to do in life. At the moment i'm trying to find my passion ( im aware its not an easy thing), but all my dreams are so farfetched, like i want to make a big discovery or something i don't know what! after getting excited about the thought of making such a big achievement i fall into a hole in my mind, and its almost like if i can't have or start working towards this goal, life isn't worth living, it's not good enough, i know i sound like a spoilt brat but that's how i feel. I procrastinate alot... and when ever i do start working towards something, it's only a matter of time before i get sick of it (usually a couple of days).

My expectations of life are huge, like i must do something great or i am worthless and shouldnt continue living.

I tried doing simple things like art/sewing/calligraphy, it relaxed me, but the interest lasted only a couple of days, and its like i have a number of hobbys that i circulate over an over. Doesn't sound like such a bad thing but it is for me, because im looking for something i can put my full energy into, not just temporary. I'm sure most 23 year olds reach this point in life. The other thing i'll mention is my fear of time wasting... yet i get nothing done. My biggest regret is laying on my deathbed and thinking "I wish i got there".

I have a girlfriend of 5 years, though i can't commit to a relationship because im so far deep in my own head, but i can't abandon my relationship because it supports me. Its sad but true.

My biggest fear is getting to a certain age maybe 30 or 40 i dont know, and if i haven't made some progress towards my passion i feel it's necessary to no longer live beyond that point.

To make things clearer my big farfetched dream is travelling space or something along those lines.

Thankyou for taking the time to read.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi hey001,

You sound like you’re feeling very lost, overwhelmed, confused and nervous for the future. Sorry it has taken a while for you to receive a response. Sometimes it happens accidentally but please know that it’s definitely not a reflection on you in any way.

I think it’s a completely understandable way of looking at things and that there isn’t necessarily anything wrong with wanting to achieve something remarkably different and great. It can be a good thing to have such wonderful goals 🙂 I think it only becomes an issue if our identity and self worth becomes so wrapped up in the pursuit of “greatness” that it starts affecting our mental or physical health, which seems to be what is happening to you.

In your case, and you obviously recognise this as you’re clearly very self aware, your self worth and identity seems to largely depend on you achieving really outstanding “greatness” (so to speak). I don’t think it’s being a “spoilt brat” as you phrased it but perhaps it’s more about being scared of being (so-called) “average” or “like everyone else.”

I know concentration and focus is also something you’re struggling with. I don’t know for sure as I don’t really know you but I’m wondering if it’s partly because you have such high expectations of yourself e.g. expecting the one “big thing” to so completely capture your attention that if something doesn’t quite do that, you lose interest or feel disappointed.

I’m not sure if my comments are relevant but I thought that I would share my thoughts and have hopefully given you something to think about. I would love if you had some more support so I was wondering if you’ve spoken to anyone else about how you’re feeling e.g. family, friends, GP, counsellor, etc?

Please know you’re always welcome to write as often as you like here. Just as long as you feel comfortable sharing...

Caring thoughts,

Pepper

[hey001]

Hey pepper!

Firstly, thank you for commenting, I thought my thread would sweep under the rugs.

Yes I have spoken to family members an I’m currently seeing a counseller once a fortnight. I feel like I can’t relate to anyone in the family an my counseller is lovely, she’s great to talk to, but she wants me to figure me out myself if you get me, she doesn’t have any magic words to fix my life which is good but I still can’t work things out if you get me.

I don’t have many friends anymore and that’s my own fault due to not making an effort an staying home when ever I’m not at work (full time night shift). Doesn’t help that my childhood consisted of living in 3 different states, an not being able to have a real sense of “home”.

i often ask myself who would turn up to my funeral.

I often sit down with a big drawing book, an just write how I feel an scribble. Getting back on point, when I talk to my family about my dreams, they often tell me that only the greatest or most intelligent people achieve those things for instance becoming an astronaut.

My family are generally worried about me though if that answers your question

thanks again for taking the time.

[quirkywords]

Hey,

Welcome to the forum. This is a caring , supportive and understanding place.

Peeper has given you some thoughtful comments.

I think there are many people who are your age who would think like you do. It is a confusing time for some one thinks deeply and has a plan for their future.

It is admirable to have expectations but sometimes you need to be flexible and not see yourself as worthless because your expectations may change or they may take longer than you envisaged.

Kind thoughts

Quirky

[Peppermintbach]

Hi hey001,

It’s fantastic to hear from you again. Thank you so much for writing back and for being so patient with responses. Sorry about that again. I’m glad Quirky has also visited with her wisdom and kindness 🙂

Good on you for reaching out even if you’re still feeling lost. You seem really disconnected from your family. They don’t seem to “get you” even if they presumably care about you. That must make things difficult.

I noticed your comment:

...when I talk to my family about my dreams, they often tell me that only the greatest or most intelligent people achieve those things for instance becoming an astronaut.

Their thoughts must be very discouraging and perhaps even hurtful. I get that we all have our different strengths and weaknesses, personality traits and life experience, which all affect how our lives evolve.

Sometimes, I feel people have to pursue their own paths despite skepticism or discouragement from loved ones. So if you’re really set on becoming an astronaut, for example, then I would suggest you pursue it.

Perhaps if you’re worried then maybe think of some fall-back options as well. It could be related to astronomy, for example, as your “fall-backs.” It doesn’t have to be astronomy of course; that was just an example.

Yes, I hear what you’re saying about your counsellor. She sounds lovely but, as is often the case, we have to find our own answers. Counsellors can probe, empathise, teach coping strategies and facilitate but sadly they can’t answer big life questions for us.

You seem like an intelligent and introspective person. There must be a lot that you reflect on. Your drawing book sounds like a wonderful emotional outlet for you to get all your feelings “out there.”

Also, you’re always most welcome to come back here and write some more. We love hearing from you.

Caring thoughts,

Pepper

[hey001]

Hey pepper,

Your words have a healing nature thankyou.

I'm not sure about being an astronaut, or whether its just the feeling of being inside a suit that is futuristic and evolutionary i'm not sure.

I've always been the guy to take challenges, with petty things, i am drawn to being the underdog.

I've also been told "i think too much about things" over a million times, from a young child to now, though i've always seen that as a strength rather than a weakness. I have so much good to give to the world, I JUST DONT KNOW WHERE OR WHAT TO START!

I google constantly "how to find you're passion" etc, though nothing seems to help other than the advice, " it may take years to find out".

I found out today my friend is struggling with things too, i gave him a hug in front other work collegues.

Every paragraph starts with "I" lol.

Me is connected alot to music, when ever things build up inside i used to hurt myself but now i just listen to 80s rock or draw to release any "pressure".

I do apologise, i have had a glass of cab sav an my thoughts are honest :P.

I'm constantly looking at the stars at night, it's almost like i've convinced myself that i'm something special, an i hate it and love it.

I have rambled on alot- its hard to understand a person through a few HTML lines, though i have a question... what would you do if you were me? with the understanding you have of me.

Thanks again, i got very excited when i seen "5 posts" 😛

[Peppermintbach]

Hi hey001,

As always, I’m happy to hear from you and that my words seemed to have resonated with you 🙂

Please don’t apologise; I feel there’s no need for the apology. Hearing your honest thoughts is a privilege plus in all fairness, I must admit that I’m no stranger to a drink (or two).

You do sound like you’re searching for something although exactly what is probably the question; the ever elusive “something”. I don’t think “thinking too much” is necessarily a bad thing either. Sometimes, I feel people can forget that personality plays a huge role and that some people have a natural tendency to think more deeply while others don’t have that need (or less of one anyway). I’m probably a little biased though as I’ve been told that I “think too much” too. Lol.

It’s good that you discovered 80s music and drawing as outlets and coping mechanisms. It sounds like you can channel some of your pain into both, and having an outlet is so important.

You asked:

i have a question... what would you do if you were me? with the understanding you have of me.

Thanks for asking, it’s an interesting and challenging question 🙂 Given the very little that I know about you, I’ll try answering...

As not knowing what makes you “tick” is clearly something that really gets to you; as in, you don’t know what “drives you”/what your passion might be. I would suggest experimenting and researching different potential passions/interests. I get that the more slow paced activities (like sewing and calligraphy) doesn’t really quite do it for you so maybe look for something more fast paced?

If your interests have a futuristic and evolutionary slant, maybe you could also look into the area of human biology or other science fields to find your passion. Perhaps you could consider visiting science museums to see if anything piques your interest (or alternatively learn it isn’t for you), read science books and articles, etc. The idea is to immerse yourself in it so you get a genuine “feel for it.”

Sometimes I think it also helps to think about the people you look up to. See if there is a pattern in terms of do they all have a similar interest, similar goals, similar achievements, etc? The idea isn’t so much to mimic them but to get an idea of what really moves you. E.g. if the people you look up to were all considered “rebels” (of their time) then perhaps that says something about what you deem important e.g. you value change & being forward thinking.

Hope to hear from you again 🙂

Pepper