Help – depression, anxiety, ahnedonia and about to break up

[NeedHopeNeedLove]

Im 35, F.
3 months ago I had an argument with my partner(of over 2 years) something inside me changed. After the argument something shifted inside& I started to get very bad anxiety telling me that I no longer love him &need to break up. The thoughts wont stop & I cant shake it off. Everything around me has sunk. I have no interest in my hobbies,business or any interests in friends or family. Prior to this event I was a very strong, happy, resilient person & I felt I could take the whole world on. I was fit doing exercise& healthy. Now im a wreck & cant stop smoking. I feel like something horrible has got me
This has been my life pattern. I have had 4-5 very good relationships & 1day something happens inside me & I no longer feel anything for these people & I spiral into a very bad depressive emotionless place. One in particular when I was 20, like a switch went off & all feelings gone & I cant be with this person. what followed was even worse, years of grief for this person, drugs & alcohol & 15 years later I still think about him. At 25 & a drug OD drug overdose I decided I couldn’t live like this any longer & got help. I started to see a naturopath & within months I was like a new person, the best version of myself I ever knew. I had 10 years of feeling fantastic like I could do anyting,i had the sharpest clarity of mind. I have always told myself that if I was in the good space I could’ve made these relationships work. Yet here I am again faced with this demon about to ruin my life because these crazy thoughts wont stop.. All I ever wanted was to be loved & have my own family.I have the best partner in the world right now & I cant even give myself that because im about to destroy it & I don’t know why?! I get down when I see people around me that are pregnant & happy in their relationships, or when I look at FB & I see my friends getting married, engaged or having babies. When things were great with my current partner I could not be without him. I looked in his eyes and I saw the rest of our lives together,I saw our own family. Now I cant see anything & im sinking deeply in my life & everything is falling apart. i am praying that this is just depression & I will get out of it soon& life will go back to perfect, but this is taking its toll on both my partner & I & we’re both in no man’s land with my condition. Am I out of love because I’m depressed, or depressed because fallen out of love?Yes I’m seeing a psychologist but its every 3 weeks

[SubduedBlues]

Hi there NHNL

I'm sorry that you're left to feel this way just before the holiday period, a time where most people expect us all to feel good... unfortunately, for many of us that is just not the case. Anyhow, I have sent out a call to some of the other community champions to lend a hand and offer some advice (I don't have experience in what you are going through, I'm sure it's tough).

However, I just wanted to let you know that we haven't forgotten you and you're still important. Also, welcome to beyondblue and finding the courage to post.

Best wishes

SB

[Croix]

Dear NeedHopeNeedLove~

I'd like to join SB in welcoming you. You have had to wait a while to talk with people which is a right pain - unfortunately it happens here sometimes, no reflection on you or the things you are posting about.

You have described a heart-breaking repeating pattern of building a happy relationship and then the wheels fall of, you go numb and it ends. This is followed by a period of deep regret and harmful behavior.

I am no doctor but strongly suspect you may not have been correctly diagnosed, or if you have then the current treatment is totally ineffective.

My problems have been centered around other matters including depression and anxiety. When very depressed I've been in the unhappy situation of being divorced from my feelings, unable to know if I loved anyone, or even if I was capable of love. Everything seemed pointless. To that extent I an understand what you are going though, however the rest is unlike my experiences.

You simply cannot go on like this, it is ruining your life, and will do much the same for your partner, so may I suggest you go back to your GP and set everything out in detail and ask to be reassessed, preferably by a psychiatrist. I do not know all the ins and outs of mental illness, and I would think a psychiatrist, as opposed to a psychologist, would be the most appropriate person with the proper diagnostic skills.

Please feel you can talk here as much as you like, For what it is worth I suspect you are not falling out of love, it is something else such as depression removing you from your feelings.

Croix

[NeedHopeNeedLove]

Thankyou for responding.

Ive revisited the GP and they have started me on some meds. Today is day 2. As for seeing a psychiatrist it’s over a 3 week wait and this is an issue. In the beginning it was 3 weeks for the psychologist and each appointment there after the same and now the same deal with the psychiatrist. It seems like getting any sort of assistance is on a month to month basis and this doesn’t help at all.

Since I last wrote things have been a nightmare. I managed to ruin Xmas eve, Xmas, nye, ny and my partners bday on the 3rd. This anxiety is so crippling. I’m now starting to get scared about going back to work because these attacks are so unpredictable and I don’t want to see people in the office or let them see me it’s been over 4 months since I done my hair and I look like a wreck

Im at a complete loss. Maybe some people are not meant to be in relationships and I’m one of those. I don’t know.

[Croix]

Dear NeedHopeNeedLove~

By now it is day 4 or thereabouts for your new meds. That is actually a very short time and I'd be surprised if they had reached full effectiveness. By the time you see the psychiatrist the chances are they will be working and you can then get therapy that takes them correctly into account. A long wait - or so it seems now, but it will pass ( I really hate waiting too).

I don't know what makes you say you ruined the Xmas break. I suspect that a combination of anxiety and depression will make any events seem worse and bleaker.

Now you did say a few days ago "I have the best partner in the world right now". I would think someone that good is capable of understanding you are nothing like 100% at the moment and have deep difficulties to try to overcome.

Have you talked to your partner in detail about this? If he has trouble grasping how it affects you get him to talk to your doctor, or read The Facts menu above - or even browse here with you. Someone that loves will try to support even if feeling a bit at sea.

My wife could not see exactly what I was going though, but by trial and error found what helped, and what did not. Her presence and love made a world of difference, even if I could not appreciate that a lot of the time. I had the opportunity in turn to be there for her later on when she became ill..

Sometimes we have to simply trust others.

With that 3 week wait, the first time it is a right pain, but a gap between treatments from then on is not so bad, for a start from a practical point of view is spreads out the cost (or the sessions in a MH plan) and allows time to practice the therapies set down in the sessions.

If you say nothing to people in the office they will probably not ask about your hair, if they do ask I'd suggest just say you do not want to talk about it. They will probably think you are on chemo or something like that.

It does get better. I was a complete mess and am now pretty good, if it can be true for me I would expect it can for you too.

Croix

[NeedHopeNeedLove]

Thankyou kindly for writing back.

Sadly I had terrible side effects from the AD that we’re perscribed and i had to stop taking them as it was unbearable. I have had to take days off work to recover. On another note I must say there was small moments where I felt things go ok for a short moment but they left me in a bad way for the bulk of the day and very restless with shakes and unable to sleep at all.

Regarding tubing the holidays was becoming a complete emotional mess on all of the special days.

Yes my partner knows all about it and he is being very supportive about the whole thing and has faith that I will get out of this and we will pull though together. He’s always doing research and trying to find solutions etc for me. I feel bad when I see a person that was once bubbly and smiley himself be down. What is happening to us?

I do have some moments where I think I feel ok and why would I want to lose all this? So I’d imagine that maybe because I’m terribly depressed and feel nothing towards anyone that perhaps that is the reason why I want to leave? Possibly out of respect for him ? Like I really have no interest in anything. Not my business or designing or my friends or anything. I’d imagine if it was just him that I stopped feeling for I would be up to date with the rest of my life. Right?

what is an MH plan?

Im really happy to hear that you got through to the other side of your dark time. Can I ask how long it took? Dr. Google suggests the average span of depression is 6 months. I know everyone is different but based on that I’m half way through.

[Croix]

Dear NeedHopeNeedLove~

Please don't be discouraged by the failure of that particular medication. Over the years I've had to try many different types and dosages. While I personally have never had a really bad reaction I've heard of several that have.

The fact that your have glimpses of normal feelings is a most hopeful sight. They are buried there inside you and need to be brought to the surface - a target for your medical team to aim for.

A Mental Health plan is one where I believe some people can get up to 10 partially subsidized visits to a psychologist in one year. I do not know the full details. I do not think it applies to psychiatrists. I doubt 10 visits p.a. is anything like enough for some people.

Now as to why you would want your relationship to end, or feel you are not in love. I am no doctor but can firstly see some sort of pattern in what you've said -you build up an excellent relationship, then you stop, destructive behavior starts. The reason for this I would imagine is something a professional might be able to help you find - and remedy.

I do know from my own experience when depressed I've wanted my family and I to part company, partly because I felt I was bad for them, partly because I genuinely believed they could move on and were better off without me.

My family of course never believed this and would have been hear-broken if I was no longer there. As I improved I was very glad we were still together. You have stopped feeling for everything, not just him - it does come back, I know. I even eventually stopped smoking (something I'm rather proud of)

As for time to get better, I'm not going to go into that. My illnesses are PTSD, anxiety and bouts of depression. I'm someone who has had to adjust to a long term set of problems, that is not true for many.

You may well be more than half way though already.

Croix

[NeedHopeNeedLove]

After 4 months of fighting the anxiety monster telling me to end the relationship today I sadly ended the relationship. It was so unbearable and crippling that I had no choice but to do it because I couldn’t function any longer.

How do I feel? Like 50 tonnes have been lifted from my body and I don’t feel the anxiety. I still feel very empty inside. He has not taken this very well and is a complete wreck. This is a horrible outcome. I feel as tho my mind is playing tricks on me I question if I’m depressed? I have to be, I feel no joy or anything so I’m clearly not happy. After he left I went for a walk with my friend and things kind of started to feel normal again. We’ve decided to give this a few weeks hopefully not too many months for me to improve and get myself back to health. Discussing this with my friend it felt optimistic and like it wasn’t over . Then there are the odd moments of gloom that it won’t work. So confusing. I’m fed up with this happening to me. I’m guessing something is messing with my mood balance as one moment it’s A then the next momen is B there is no clarity.

does depression have a trigger point? Does it happen after prolonged exposure to stress? 2017 was a horrible year for me where about 9 months were high stress. Have I burned the candle at both ends trying to survive 2017 that I’ve got depression? Maybe I fell out of love again? I’m at a loss

i have my first psychiatric assessment tomorrow I don’t know what I will get out of there as I don’t find many things all that helpful. My psychologist also said to me that I suffer from some post traumatic event from the past. I don’t know what to think or believe anymore. I’m so frustrated and annoyed at my situation and life. Maybe families and husbands and children are not meant for some people.

Sorry im just a little bit annoyed at myself and the world that this has happened to me again. I am at a loss on how I can feel so hollow for the nicest person I’ve ever met who once I was so in love with and I couldn’t live without.

[NeedHopeNeedLove]

Ok so to add an update to my post from last night.

I woke up this morning with crippling anxiety. My partner that I broke up with was not there so there were no thoughts to break up with him but there was anxiety but there was no where to direct the anxiety. It was just there crippling me as per usual.

i went to my my first psychiatrist appointment today and was asked to do blood test which I will do in the morning and have been perscribed meds. I really hope this works. I am not someone who has had to take medication in my life (apart from migraine when it happens) so I find myself very sensitive to them. I honestly think this is my last chance at what I’m going through. The next step is to sell my house, quit my job and leave everything behind me. Just unbearable

[quirkywords]

DEar Needhopeneedlove,

I have been reading your thread

Thanks for the update and I am sorry you are not in a good place.

I am glad you have seen the psychiatrist. Will you see a counsellor as well?

I hope you find that writing posts here may help in some way.

Why do you see it as your last chance?

I can see it is a very difficult time for you coping with crippling anxiety.

Quirky