health prof finding that no one understands

jn54 · ‎15-09-2014

Hi I'm new here. I'm a twenty something health professional with a pretty 'normal' life but am finding it harder to deal with how I am feeling. Since I was a teenager I have always felt unhappy inside (suicidal thoughts were prevalent during teenage years but I know it would never eventuate) however I lead a pretty 'happy' life. Did ok in school, got into a profession my Asian parents are proud of (and I am of too I guess ), recently engaged with the perfect partner of 12 years... but I'm finding it hard to confide in anyone. I have mentioned to a couple of close friends and my partner whether they think I might be depressed but they don't think so and seem to just dismiss it. I am fully functioning, just am never happy inside, but have days where I feel like there is no purpose and feelings of low self worth etc. I have also found that although extroverted, im gradually disliking social outings, particularly those with my fiances huge group of friends. Im not very good at articulating myself but just wanted to let it out to someone. I am afraid to seek help and for now am just seeking some self help first. Sorry its all muddled but I Guess its a Start.

laura86 · ‎15-09-2014

Hi there jn54,

Welcome to the BB forums. Firstly well done for seeking help here and posting your story. It's a huge step for anyone to say they might need help and to trust us with your feelings. The people on here are fantastic and are always willing to help. It's certainly helping me through my own tough times.

I think one of the hardest things with depression etc is that there may be no exact reason for why we feel the way we do. You said you had a happy life, work is good, you have a great partner. Yet you feel like there is a sadness that you can't shake. Most people who have never gone through mental illness and depression just assume these are feelings you can get over and shake off. However that's rarely the case. So it's really great that you've come to these forums to start your self help process. See how you go and if you need extra assistance you can firstly give Beyond Blue (or similar) a call, see your doctor or even see a counsellor who can work through some feelings with you.

I understand that seeking help is daunting and thank you for letting us be your first step. Feel free to talk to us about anything and I hope we can help you on your journey.

Laura

xx

white knight · ‎18-09-2014

Hi Jn54, welcome here also

Laura described depression well. It can hit those that yes, have a normal life.

There are also other forms of depression like dysthymia. I have both and bipolar and anxiety.

Dysthymia had cognitive issues and can go on for many years but is less acute than major depression. Google it is you are interested.

I'm only mentioning this because I think you should get yourself checked out in the normal way to head off any condition. You never know if you are saving youself serious issues down the track.

Take care

AGrace · ‎18-09-2014

Hi jn54,

Welcome, and Congratulations on your recent Engagement.

As with Laura and White Knight I'm pleased that you've taken the first step, by coming here. For me the 1st step to managing emotional wellbeing / mental health is awareness. Being able to recognise how you feel, noticing changes in your feelings/mood, and getting some facts on depression / anxiety. There are a lot of resources on BB's website that you can view online or order to browse through at your leisure and see whether you can identify with any of the tell tale signs.

Often people are unsure as to whether they are depressed or if they just feel a little off, and it can be even harder for loved ones to recognise, because despite how we feel we tend to continue functioning at a reasonably normal level. I like to think that the easiest way to work out if it's really depression is to look at the duration, intensity, and frequency of your feelings or thoughts as well as how much they are impacting on your day to day living.

As you've indicated, you have previously had suicidal thoughts, you are now noticing that you're avoiding or at least reducing exposure to social engagements, you feel a sense of unhappiness which seems to have endured for some time, and how you feel is impacting on your level of self worth. I think this combined is a pretty good indication that it would be worthwhile seeking some professional support. As the others have mentioned starting with a GP appointment would be a good next step.

There is also a thread under Depression called SELF HELP TIPS FOR MANAGING DEPRESSION, you may wish to take a look at some of the self help suggestions there. Some of these can be researched online in more detail (ie Mindfulness).

I hope you will keep us posted, and thanks once again for sharing your concerns with us.

AGrace

jn54 · ‎18-09-2014

Thank you all for your replies. I really appreciate it and almost feel guilty wasting other peoples time with something I may not have. Its really nice to just be able to vent out without feeling judged. Im actually very well informed about depression and etc as I work in the health field and support others with mental illnesses. Though like always it is hard to be objective... a major barrier in me seeking help is im scared the diagnosis will have negative effect rather than a freeing effect. Although I know if I approached myself with the exact same issues I know id be referring myself to a gp or etc.

Once I went to my partner's friend's engagement which were mostly of his friends. I am familiar with his friends and quite acquainted with them. But for some reason or another (few s Tu pid minor factors involved I guess) I fely extremely uncomfortable. I felt so aware of my surroundings and started to feel very nauseous (though I normally have tummy issues this was very severe like I wanted to throw up but wont) so after trying hard to get used to the situation I rushed out to sit in my car for a break. I felt so terribly nauseous and upset I ended up leaving. Is this normal feeling of discomfort or do u think It mah have been a panic attack? I feel so silly even just trying to put a name to my petty feelings. Sigh! Hah..

AGrace · ‎19-09-2014

Hi jn54,

I have met a number of people that work in a health profession, and it's a typical story that receiving help for one's self is always the most difficult advice to take.

I think you already have a fair idea on your diagnosis, so I'm not sure how much more of an impact actually hearing it will have. A diagnosis is after all just a label, the key thing is getting the right treatment for your symptoms. I guess if your leg hurt really badly you wouldn't ignore getting an x-ray and some pain relief just in case you found out it was broken.

Venting is a good thing, I think it's why so many people write diaries, journals, or blogs. No post is a waste of time, and comments and questions like yours are really valuable additions to the forums.

It does sound like you had a bit of a panic attack. They actually affect me in a similar manner. General anxiety can cause a similar reaction.

Take Care.

AGrace

jn54 · ‎24-09-2014

Thank you AGrace

Your words have been very supportive.

geoff · ‎25-09-2014

dear JN, thanks for joining us and I am pleased that the support for you has been great.

I agree with Amber when she says 'I think that you have a fair idea on your diagnosis', but then the flip side to this is that if they say it maybe something else ( which I don't think they will ) is to take on board, and ask them questions. Geoff.

Dennis38 · ‎26-09-2014

Howdy JN,

First off welcome to the board, its a good place to ask questions and to vent, now one thing I honestly suggest to people that are suffering from depression is not to go to family and friends and ask them what they think. The reason is that A: they can easily blow it off B: you see them all the time and it might make you and them a bit uncomfortable and you will always be wondering if they are going to judge your not. What I suggest is to find a counciler, someone to use as a sounding board that you noramally do not see around your general circle. Some times its easier to unload to a stranger then it is to friends and family because you do not have to worry about this stranger judging you as you will only see that person once and a while. Once you have a better understanding of what is going on in your own head, then you can talk to family and friends and go from there.

Best of luck

Dennis

jn54 · ‎26-09-2014

Thanks Geoff and Dennis. I will keep it in mind.

I tried again speaking to my partner about it and it felt awkward and strange... I feel like as I have been for my other health complaints, forever seeking an answer for the feelings and symptoms I have but I don't feel deserving to waste resources for something that may just be in my head. There goes the guilt again.

Im very scared to open up to anyone face to face. Today I do not feel like I want life to be over and life is okay but some days I feel I cannot deal with any of my relationships other than my family's. Where I just feel like moving back home to family (I feel like I have left them, when they really need me), breaking off the engagement (I feel like I am holding him back), and distancing myself from my friends (the few that I feel I have left). Those days I barely can find motivation to do anything other than sitting or lying down.