ruminations

[1one]

i have been struggling on & off for 15 years with melancholia, having 3 severe clinical depression episodes, one lasting a couple of years...lately i feel that i generally function at 80%, which i suppose is better than not functioning at all, yet i can't seem to get past that point. the main reason is i still cannot accept the past & choices i made long ago. in my mind i can accept where i'm at but i just have been not able to quit the 'what if' thoughts, & i really need to be able to do this to overcome my emotional paralysis. help!?

[Doolhof]

Hi 1one,

AH! Past choices and "what if" thoughts! Unless you have a Time Machine and can transport your self back in time, worrying about past choices and what ifs is only going to make you totally miserable, maybe even bitter and twisted! Been there! Done that!

There is no way we can change what has happened in the past, what we can do is to change our reflection and understanding of those past events. For myself, I have tried to accept that I made plenty of mistakes, and I have feelings that if I did things differently I would be in a different place than I am right now.

Just consider for a moment though, I for example might think I would have been better off if I had married J instead G, but how am I to know if J might have changed into some horrible monster after we married? I could be a lot better off being married to G after all.

When we make choices and decisions, or they are made for us, we don't always have the resources or the value of hindsight to know those choices might not be the best ones we could have made. At the time, that particular course of action was taken, and that was that.

Somehow you need to find a way to accept what has happened in the past, to forgive yourself for the mistakes you think you have made and maybe even to forgive others. You can do this in your mind, write it down, or do it in any other fashion that will work for you.

Maybe you could Google Forgiveness Acceptance and see what advice you find there. Look up how to control/change emotions and you might find help there as well.

Another idea, is go back to those times when you feel you made not so good choices, look at that time in your life and try to find something good about it, and focus on the good points instead of the negative.

I hope some of this makes sense to you! You could also try phoning one of the support phone numbers like the one here for Beyond Blue and the people there may be able to direct you where you can find more information, or look at the fact sheets on this site as well.

Wishing you well on your journey to recovery and better understanding your emotions. Keep me posted as to how you get on. I can always benefit from learning new techniques to aid my recovery as can other readers of your post I am sure, so please share what you discover.

Cheerio for now, From Mrs. Dools

[NicoleP]

Hi 1one

Welcome to the forums. I have found Russ Harris' book The Happiness Trap a really good read. He talks about accepting our past not fighting it. He provides a number of good strategies. Might be a good read if you are interested. There are also plenty of YouTube clips and he has a web page.

hope this helps

Kezza

[geoff]

dear 1one, welcome to the site.

I think that we all tend to think about the 'what if' situations, there's nothing wrong about this but only if it doesn't upset us, which is what it's doing to you, but we can't change it, wish we could but it's impossible.

It's going to a restaurant and having X but wished that you had N, sure we can go back and have it if we had the money, but by then the chef might have changed and it might be something has changed for the worse.

My question to myself could be what if I didn't have depression and wasn't drinking alcohol, then I would still be married, now it's too late, and I can't change that now. Geoff.

[1one]

thanx KezzaA for the recommendation...i'll read it

[1one]

thanx for the advice

[Mares73]

Dear 1one I just wanted to backup Kezzas recommendation of "The Happiness Trap" by Russian Harris. It's an incredible book, the most helpful one I've ever read. The past can definitely affect our present & it can affect us in painful & traumatic ways through our memories of certain experiences. Where many books & therapists focus on CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) & work on the belief we can change our thoughts & feelings, Russia Harris's book is based on ACT (acceptance & commitment theory). He suggests we don't change our thoughts & feelings as that's a near impossible struggle, but rather welcome to accept our experiences & find ways to live with them. He has a great website where you can read the first chapter. He also provides many free resources which are so helpful such as workbook exercises, articles & simple information. His worksheets are great. He also explains ACT, links to other sites & a list of psychologists who use this method. It is also based around mindfulness & I can sense some similarities to the principles around Buddhist theory. I can't recommend it highly enough. I have had a very traumatic past & diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder. I felt like I could never learn to live with the pain & effects it's had on my life. And counselors would always say you have to change your feelings (CBT approach). However since discovering Russian Harris & his books I finally have found something more helpful than any therapy I've had or book I've read. I hope you will find it helpful-i really think you will-particularly with what you are going through. I hope you can let us know how you get on-even start with his website-thats plenty to give you the basics. Wishing you all the best & hope you let us know how you are. We are always here for you. Take care, Lve Mares x

[NicoleP]

I feel very fortunate to be attending a two day Russ Harris conference in Melbourne later this month. Am really looking forward to it.

Kezza