Having difficulty coping with my Mind

[Detsaw]

Hello everyone, I can not seem to escape my own negative view of myself, everything I do and what I think others think of me I tend to see the negative. I am doing my PhD, its taking a long time to get here (I am 10 years older than the average Phd Student). I have been having problems of confidence and I feel bad all the time. I have tried working through it but I am not succeeding at it. I seem to be constantly worrying/ruminating with my negative thoughts.I don't feel like I was good enough, I had to give a seminar for my work, I feel it did not go well. I am struggling to find anything enjoyable again.I want to please my supervisor/friend. I highly respect them, a lot of my self worth is tied up in their approval. What the hell do I do? How do I stop my brain from trying to sabotage me? Why does it feel like some part of mine is trying to ruin me??

[CrashCoyote]

Hi Detsaw,

Welcome to Beyondblue. Kudos for doing a PhD. It is demanding at any age.

If I read your post correctly, I noticed that you mentioned that your supervisor is also your friend (lucky for you). Why don't you speak with your supervisor off campus and confide in him/her? First of all, you may actually be doing well and the positive reinforcement could only be a good thing. Secondly, if you need to pick up your performance you can (hopefully) get a fair dinkum assessment of where you can improve.

There is nothing wrong with seeking approval of others, it is the human condition. Often we are our own worst critics though, many time undeservedly.

If you run with my suggestion, I'd be keen to hear how it goes. Keep posting.

Kind regards, John.

[white knight]

Hi Detsaw, welcome to beyond Blue froums

Sometimes positivity and motivations comes in a flash at a certain moment in your life. For me it was a lecture I attended at 25yo, I'm 58 now. Briefly this guy told his story that at 42yo and an insurance salesman, he didnt sell one policy in his 6 months in the job. But he never gave up but suffered a heart attack from the stress.His wife visited him in hospital and she asked him what he'll do upon his discharge. He told her "I'll be a millionaire selling insurance" to which she laughed and laughed. It was that laugh that sealed his ambition. In fact he didnt care if he died trying to sell insurance as long as he made his wife realise her laugh sent him there.

After 12 more months he secured a deal with a large mining company after selling a huge superannuation policy. He'd made over one million dollars commission. He went home that night and told his wife. She was stunned. He then told her "so, never ever laugh at me like that again".

From that day in 1981 I had changed and never looked back in terms of motivation. Sure I faced my mental issues in 1987 then later in 2003 and 2009 with stages of discovery with various diagnosis, but in terms of positivity, once positive you rarely return to how you were.

However, mind control can be an issue no matter how motivated you be. "Mindfulness" is often discussed here so give it a search. I'm less knowledgeable about that.

Public speaking is a real challenge for many. I think you are expecting too much of yourself here. Comfort in front of many others watching you is an art form polished by experience and great knowledge. It doesnt come naturally.

The only other pieces of advice from me is to consider cheap forms of entertainment/relaxation.

Seek search on topics like-

Being positive - what's the secret?        in recovery section

Inexpensive recovery idea - camping     in recovery section

Take care      Tony WK

[Cestro]

Hey Detsaw.
It sounds like your having a hard time right now. I've felt like this in my past, not seeing the bright side of anything, finding it hard to do so in any way.
I find the thing about negative thoughts is that they will always pull you further down if you allow them to, that applies to everyone. It is so easy for someone to be brought down in life, and yet it's so hard for them to stand back up.
You just have to try and ignore these negative feelings and thoughts or they will gradually gain control of everything you do.

Try to start thinking more about all the things that make you great. Getting a PhD alone is a huge achievement and requires someone with amazing characteristics, such as determination, discipline, smarts and a strong driving force.
You realise that running a seminar alone takes allot of courage, and not everyone could do it.

Also, why try to please others when you can please yourself? Other people aren't any more important than you are, so instead of pleasing them, please yourself. Make yourself happy, invest time and love in yourself. You're self-esteem will grow and you will begin to appreciate yourself more. You'll find that the more you appreciate yourself, the less you will have to rely on other's approval to grant you any kind of self appreciation.
Keep being strong. We all have our battles, and we all need to keep driving ourselves forward so that eventually, we come out the other side in one piece.

[Detsaw]

I am sorry for the lateness of my reply. My work isnt go well, no matter how hard I try. My supervisor seems to be separating me from the social side interactions of my Lab.I do not know why and I know I can not ask her, she will certainly either be not aware of it (either she does not think of me when organizing these things) or insist there is no problem.

Yet I have no idea what to do about work I have nothing else in my life. I am close to total despair.

[JessF]

Hello Detsaw, you know one of the things about anxiety and depression is that it runs a tape in our head constantly telling us that things are bad, and all the things that we can't do rather than the things that we can.

It sounds like you want to be involved in social interactions more. Can you name one specific event that your supervisor has not asked you to? The next step is to politely and casually say to your supervisor, hey you know x event that was on last week? I didn't know about it and would really like to have been involved. Can you make sure I'm on the invite list next time?

Rather than ruminating about feeling left out or abandoned, you are asking about a very specific event and there is a very specific answer to it. How does that sound?

[Detsaw]

Hello JessF, I spoke to my supervisor about this. A specific event where a work colleague of mine who used to work in the lab came up for her graduation, there was a morning tea and I mentioned that I did not know it was happening and no one told me. I asked could you please let me know when these events happen next time.

My concerns were dismissed. My supervisor wont engage with me about any of the issues that are now floating around us. She invited me to the lab xmass party and then spent the evening avoiding me I actually asked one of the other people and he was not going to mention it to me but yes from his pov it looked like my supervisor was been evasive (which is wierd). I am unclear what is going on.

She has now told me that she wont be able to directly talk to me until late Feb 2015 due to her work load, however right now she is in the Tea room with 2 other PhD students and a Honors student having the type of meeting that I have been trying to have (for the last 2 hours-my office shares a thin wall with the Tea Room).

Please help me. I can see how this is going to play out and it ends badly for me. I know none of you know me, but I just wanted to do the work and help make a difference in the lives of people suffering from auto-immunity and cancer. Its all I wanted to do. Now I am sitting on a knife edge of despair, lonelyness and pain. I don't have anything else, this situation is killing me. I just want the relationship with my supervisor back and my work, its all I have. I have no idea what to do next.

[Detsaw]

I simply cannot understand anymore. The mind games, with deliberate intention or cavalier disregard. I know not. She tells me she cannot talk for the next 2 months due to her work load. This also includes things that were what friends would do. This is what people say when they want to avoid you. But she has time for other students and so on. In-fact can hear them talking from my office, laughing, having that easy relationship that has since left me. I am disconnected from everyone. I can’t live like this. I’m sorry. I just can't.

[CrashCoyote]

Hi Detsaw,

I have been bullied in the workplace and it is very isolating and distressing. Are you able to fight back? Can you request a meeting in writing (email) and formally get her refusal? Can you complain to someone over her head and site the examples you mention here? Are you capable of objectively assessing how much of the behaviour is theirs and how much is from your own negative feelings? Can you get workplace support? The law cannot force your colleagues to be your friend, but it compels them to be professional in their dealings with you.

Kind regards, John.