having (and hiding) depression and anxiety in the military

[theinbetweener]

To start, I havent been professionally diagnosed with anything, but I strongly suspect that I have major depression + anxiety disorder. The main problem I have is that I feel unable to seek help for these problems, and I feel like I have to explain what it is like experiencing mental illness in the military.

Mental illness is incredibly stigmatised in the military. I’ve been in the navy for about 4 years, and while we are given briefs from senior officers about mental health services that are available and what to do if your experience a mental health crisis, in my experience the military “talk the talk” but don’t “walk the walk”. The majority of psychologists they hire are organisational psychs, not clinical psychs, which is something they don’t advertise. I have been to military psychologists, sometimes by my own volition, and other times I’ve been ordered to by superiors. Both experiences resulted in me feeling incredibly judged and paranoid and like I’d been tricked. The worst part is that I every time I have sought help I have felt like my job was at stake. And so now I don’t see how I can seek help without sacrificing my income and the way I live. if you do nominate yourself in the military as someone with mental health issues, you also automatically get posted to a unit with literally zero job satisfaction. You are “non deployable”, even if you experience something as simple as just having to take a pill once per day, which is what I suspect I have, a hereditary illness.

I have wanted to join the navy since I was 14. I have served overseas, I have spent 2 years posted to a warship, I have sacrificed months of my life away from home, sacrificed familial and friend relationships, sacrificed a romantic life, in order to serve and protect. And yet I am utterly alone. I have no one. no one who understands or cares, that I find it hard enough to function each day without wanting to die. I want help, but it’s so stigmatised, particularly in the junior sailor community, that I feel utterly stuck, lost and helpless.

[PamelaR]

Hi Theinbetweener and warm welcome

Having reached out here to our community is a great step that indicates to me you aren't really stuck, lost and helpless.

I see that you have sacrificed a lot to serve and protect us and others. It is a privilege to talk with you and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. It saddens me that the defence forces are still not 'walking the walk' when it comes to mental health.

Your frustration with the service is evident when it comes to seeking help. And I just wonder what it is about not being available for deployment that concerns you the most?

You've indicated 'you haven't been professionally diagnosed with anything', though what you suspect you have a hereditary illness. I am surprised defence force organisational psychologists didn't give you a diagnosis. Did they give you any indication of what you were experiencing? I understand that these were awful experiences for you. Have you thought about seeing anyone outside the defence forces?

Have you any ideas about would the defence services look like if there wasn't such a stigma?

Not sure if I've helped you TheInBetweener as I've not been in the services myself, though I did serve the public in many ways for many years.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

As Pamela said, it is great you've chosen a anonymous site here, no one can track you.

I too have served. Three years back in 1973-1976, a growing up period for me in the RAAF I went off the rails with cars, alcohol and behavior. So they sent me to one of their approved psychs and yes, he judged me harshly.

The good news is that once discharged you can apply for a "white card", in fact anyone that has served in the Defence services can, that entitles you to free mental health costs, psych/counselor costs, medication and travel. In my case 40 years after I left it was good to receive a bonus like that. When the time comes just apply to Veterans Affairs.

You said "I have wanted to join the navy since I was 14."- I was the same with the RAAF. There are many issues with joining such an organization to do with commitment, disruption etc but for those that secretly hold an illness it isn't compatible. Depression will rare its ugly head one day when you need to get away and you cannot. This will especially affect you on a ship and therefore, if severe, can alter the dynamics of the crew and so forth.

This will grate you but I'd reconsider your career. It isn't the end of the world when discharged, sure it is different but you are not as restricted. After discharge I joined the prison service, then dog ranger, Telstra, security and finally ran my own PI company so life was still exciting but not locked in.

The only thing I can think of is that you pursue your mental health care away from the Navy privately. Or, you seek a medical discharge and the benefits that it will give you. I don't think your current situation will be sustainable as it restricts you in such a way that you have to maintain the "game" of the defense force lifestyle.

Re: "I have spent 2 years posted to a warship, I have sacrificed months of my life away from home, sacrificed familial and friend relationships, sacrificed a romantic life, in order to serve and protect. And yet I am utterly alone." - after reading this comment don't you think it is time you cared for yourself and began to build a life of less obligation and more comfort and care?

We are here to support and guide. I hope you are ok

TonyWK

[Spindle37]

Hey mate,

I spent 8 years in the puss, and it sounds like you've had some pretty ordinary div staff. I 100% get what your talking about. I've only been out for a couple of years but the one piece of advice I would pass on to you that I learnt from an angry old PO my first year at sea, "don't look after the navy because they wont look after you, look after yourself first and foremost" I know it goes against all the talk that they give you about looking after each other etc but the decisions that get made about your career, what you get to do and where you go aren't made by shipmates, they will be made by someone you'll probably never meet in an office you'll never go in.

So first things first, start looking out for yourself. Decide what you want from your future, if thats in the navy then choose either to seek help within the navy or get yourself a medicare card and get help outside where the navy doesn't know. Not sure if they've told you or not but you can have a medicare card while your serving. All you need to do is see a Dr, explain how you feel/what you've been going through mentally, fill in a short piece of paper and get a referral to a psych outside. If its not in the navy then make the best of the services they do offer, go see the psychs there and on top of that talk to your div staff about getting time/$$$ for courses/training.

But the absolute number 1 thing you can do while your still in that will probably help you the most is exercise. I spent time in 3 different ships, and 4 or 5 bases and all of them had great PTs and or gyms, make the best of that, before work, during lunch, after work. Nearly all the latest literature shows that continued exercise achieves the same results as medication or better. So figure out if there is a sport you can join in if your alongside, hell some ships even had sports team, or decide if your going to lift weights or hit the treadmill, but do something. Sometimes you might not feel immediately better but you can make yourself tired enough that you don't have energy to spend thinking about depressive stuff and you will wake up feeling better.